Is It BPD or Just Silly Pride

[Wood stock]

Okay--I need some help sorting this out here... .any response would be helpful.

Long story short: My ex UBPD fiance and I were together 18 months... .knew each other in high school; had mutual friends; our families were already friends; our children meshed well together.  He brought a lot of what was needed in my and my kids' lives; I gave his little girl a mother figure as her own mother wasn't involved in her life. Poor thing.  The only problems we had were the ones he created with rage, blow ups, and closet drinking... .he would turn our home upside down with these made-up stories in his mind... .and he always denied having a drinking problem.  Then he got a DUI in another state while traveling for his job... .come to find out it was his THIRD (so much for not having a drinking problem, right?)... .he spent 120 days in jail in another state over the holidays and all while I took care of his daughter here at home. A few weeks before he was to be released, he ended our relationship on the telephone over absolutely nothing but one of his temper tantrums... .about nothing, really. He ORDERED me to take his daughter and his belongings to his Mommy's (and of course she was THRILLED about this. So I did.

When he got out, I tried reaching out via text.  He was horribly mean and told me take a hike.  Then came the weeks of emails and text exchanges that we had... .he went from telling me how much he loved me and this family to the next day saying everything was my fault and what a piece of garbage I was.  He wanted me to meet him to talk and he wanted to promise all of these promises of how he was a changed man since getting out (FALSE: He was seen in the liquor store just TWO days after his release)... .I gave him this ultimatum: Get in counseling. Face me, the kids, my family and GET HONEST. Commit yourself to beating the alcohol.  PROVE to me that you're seeing a counselor, etc. And of course--he did none of this.

So... .I held my ground. Now he has apparently started a new relationship with someone else... .I called him out on this. His mental process goes like this: "I tried to get your to meet with me and you wouldn't. You only want to live in the past, and I'm moving forward. I'm not discussing the past. I've paid for my mistakes and I'm done. I owe you nothing."

REALLY? Was my bottom line really too much? Is it really easier to move on to someone new (that poor little girl) than to face me and face his demons? I don't wanna live in the past--I just want to move forward in a healthy way... .he REFUSES to get that concept.  He still has baggage from his upbringing (he is TEXTBOOK BPD childhood)... .doesn't he SEE that this pattern isn't WORKING for him? Is the denial of the cold hard facts, the inability to accept blame, the unwillingness to try a different philosophical approach because of BPD traits or just plain STUPIDITY and PRIDE?  

And yes, I'm struggling with the fact that he is moving on... .for many reasons--especially I am worried about the little girl whom he took along on their second date!  Help me wrap my brain around this... .we could've had the world by the behind... .but he would seriously rather give that all up just to avoid the healing process? He's 42 years old for crying out loud... .what gives here? I need help putting this into perspective... .

[sbr1050]

doesn't he SEE that this pattern isn't WORKING for him? Is the denial of the cold hard facts, the inability to accept blame, the unwillingness to try a different philosophical approach because of BPD traits or just plain STUPIDITY and PRIDE?  

And yes, I'm struggling with the fact that he is moving on... .for many reasons--especially I am worried about the little girl whom he took along on their second date!  Help me wrap my brain around this... .we could've had the world by the behind... .but he would seriously rather give that all up just to avoid the healing process? He's 42 years old for crying out loud... .what gives here? I need help putting this into perspective... .

My ex is 62 and found it easier to just replace me with a 23 year old after 18 years together. It was NEVER his fault and I don't think he will ever even CONSIDER that he has a problem.  And his kids?  26, 29, and 38.  And I still worry about the two younger ones.  The older one? Well, he is like his father.  In fact, the  son dates the 20 year old sister of daddy's 23 year old GF. Makes Jerry Springer show look pretty tame... .

[StarOfTheSea]

Hi Wood Stock,

It is so very maddening to watch them make the same mistakes when we know that if they'd do the work on themselves, the r/s could be really good. It's also disturbing to watch them suck their kids into their BPD black hole. I'm really sorry for that little girl. My exBPDbf had a new fiancee six weeks after I left, and I can't imagine what his little girl is  thinking. There's no way these kids will grow up and have healthy r/S's, the cycle will go on.

I think what it comes down to is your ex wanting to change. In his mind, he doesn't have a problem with BPD or alcohol, it's everyone else that has the problem. It's classic alcoholic behavior. Then layer BPD on top of it, which makes him emotionally cut off so he won't face the reasons that make him drink.

[fromheeltoheal]

I'm sorry you're going through that Woodstock; it sounds very painful and you sound very upset.  It's hard to say from your description what's really going on, but doing jail time for alcohol and multiple DUI's is pretty glaring.  One of the criteria for diagnosis for a mental illness is that it isn't a temporary condition caused by substance abuse, so again, hard to say, but the diagnosis doesn't really matter, it's the behaviors and how they affect you, and obviously his daughter, who you clearly care about a great deal.  It's said that alcoholics need to hit bottom, been there, done that myself, and it really boils down to the pain of drinking outweighs the pain of not drinking, and that takes what it takes, and reasoning, pleading, insisting, none of it will have any impact until the lights come on for him, a moment of clarity it's called.  :)runks can get very mean too, as you've experienced, especially at that age.  Bottom line is he would have to quit drinking for an extended period of time to see what's really going on mentally with him, and there's definitely something going on for anyone who uses substances to the extreme, the substances are not the problem they're the solution, until they're not.  In any case the only thing you can control is how well you take care of yourself, what kind of help you get, what you focus on, and what you make things mean.  Again, I'm sorry you're going through all that and keep posting and talking.  Take care of you!

[Copperfox]

There are many people in this world, BPD or not, who never take a good hard look at themselves.  Who never really focus on self-improvement. They just float through life, with no real direction or ambition. Their only aim is comfort.

One thing relationships like BPD do is really force us to take that introspective look at ourselves. Really question who we are, and how we ended up here. We are fortunate in that sense, in a weird way. A BPD relationship is a lesson, a valuable if painful gift.

[Turkish]

I remember you posting about taking care of his daughter, Wood Stock. I'm sorry he is causing you pain and choosing to run rather than facing himself.

It sounds like his core shame is being triggered, and he's abandoning the trigger (his past). Sadly, without fixing it, things will likely only be better temporarily until the trigger happens again.

[apollotech]

"REALLY? Was my bottom line really too much? Is it really easier to move on to someone new (that poor little girl) than to face me and face his demons? I don't wanna live in the past--I just want to move forward in a healthy way... .he REFUSES to get that concept.  He still has baggage from his upbringing (he is TEXTBOOK BPD childhood)... .doesn't he SEE that this pattern isn't WORKING for him? Is the denial of the cold hard facts, the inability to accept blame, the unwillingness to try a different philosophical approach because of BPD traits or just plain STUPIDITY and PRIDE? "

Hi Wood stock,

I am sorry to hear that you're caught up in this drama. It is very disheartening to think that we can be discarded so easily by another when the correct answer (as we, the Non's, see it) is so blatantly clear---deal with the demons of the past and move into a healthy future. That being said, keep in mind that he doesn't think like you do nor does he experience life as you do. You are not living in the past, he is.

As fromheeltoheal has mentioned, in order to diagnose a mental disorder, behaviors/actions due to substance abuse must be ruled out. If your exSO is afflicted with BPD, then the answer is yes, you and the relationship are disposable if it allows him to avoid facing a deep seated shame that he has avoided all of his life.

He's not going to get the concept as that would result in him having to admit that he is flawed. This would also require him to accept responsibility for his behavior/actions. Again, this possibly could trigger that deep seated shame residing in him, which is to be avoided at all costs. A pwBPD is emotionally immature and fragile. Rather than fight (work on themselves) for someone/something worthy, as they are emotionally children, it is safer and easier to run. These boards are full of stories of Non's and/or relationships that were sacrificed for the BPD cause. BPD requires a huge offering. All you can do is to refuse to throw yourself into the sacrificial BPD fire.

[Wood stock]

Thank you all... .your replies are so very helpful. I got up this morning and read them before going to work--I really think your insight here will make it easier to get through one more day... .

And to clarify one thing: my ex wasn't formally diagnosed, but the seed of BPD was planted by a counselor he and I saw together... .I had never even heard of it before--it was she (a woman with a PhD in psychology) who said, "Oh my gosh, Woodstock... .his behavior sounds like someone who is Borderline"... .which, by the way, speaking of denial, when I mentioned this originally, he and I started reading online articles about it--heck, he even went out and bought a book about it!  NOW he says that the counselor is crazy and he has actually threatened to sue the counseling group over it... .not even kidding.

But anyway, thanks again everyone... .this board has been a real saving grace for me... .