Help I caved up and told her she might be borderline

[gloin]

My therapist, another psychologist and myself all believe my wife is an undiagnosed high functioning borderline. She's in her early 30s and has been in therapy for most of her adult life, but none of her therapists seem to have caught it.

I've been tiptoeing around the issue for some months now trying to get her to seek additional help, but last night she pressured me really hard to tell why I wanted her to see a doctor and what exactly I thought she had. I know I shouldn't have, but I caved and it hit the fan pretty hard.

She googled "borderline", read the basic description  (which doesn't quite fit her, being on the high function end of the spectrum) and started projecting a lot of symptoms on me.

I'm now completely black for her. She wouldn't sleep on the same room, posted ironic remarks on Facebook for everyone to see and is accusing me of living a secret life (while researching BPD resources).

What do I do now? Please help. It all started with me trying to save our marriage and now she's the one saying she cannot be with someone she will never trust again.

To further complicate things we have two young kids and were on the verge of moving to another country, so options are pretty limited.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[waverider]

Hard calls will always have hard consequencies, and this is often a biggie. Now that your thoughts are out there don't start trying to justify or deny them.

Denial is always a first line of defense. However the thought bubble has been planted, and at some stage she may start looking into it, in her own time. No need for you to say any more on the subject until she wants to talk about it. There is every chance that she may now raise this with her own therapists. Who may have picked up on it but are not raising the subject.  Many dont as they often get a similar reaction and client walks out the door never to return.

My partner took over a year to accept it, and she already was fully accepting of having a mental disorder, it was only a case of changing diagnosis.

In the meantime just get on with learning how to interact with it, the tools work regardless of diagnosis.

I don't need to reminde you not to mention this site, you wil only shoot yourself in the foot.

Waverider

[MaroonLiquid]

She googled "borderline", read the basic description  (which doesn't quite fit her, being on the high function end of the spectrum) and started projecting a lot of symptoms on me.

I'm now completely black for her.

Been there and it is a very difficult place to be.  My wife found me searching for "BPD" and this site on my laptop when I accidentally left it at her house early on in our separation.  I was black for months, even smearing me to everyone in the process. 

Hard calls will always have hard consequencies, and this is often a biggie. Now that your thoughts are out there don't start trying to justify or deny them.

This is so true.  Just let them marinate.  Expect that they will come up from her to try and get you to JADE.  As Waverider said, don't do it.

My partner took over a year to accept it, and she already was fully accepting of having a mental disorder, it was only a case of changing diagnosis.

In the meantime just get on with learning how to interact with it, the tools work regardless of diagnosis.

I don't need to reminde you not to mention this site, you wil only shoot yourself in the foot.

Waverider

Excellent advice here too.  Learn the tools.  Learn how to really listen to the pwBPD.  It takes a while.  Also know, don't try and reason with the unreasonable.  It has taken me months and months to get here, but my relationship is much better for it.

[an0ught]

Hi gloin,

don't beat yourself up, you are only human. You are not the first and will not be the last that went down that path. It is not a recommended path for the very reasons you are describing right now - e.g. big upset with dysregulation or psychological game playing like projection. It is also not an impossible path. Remember all our situation and paths are different anyways.

This is so true.  Just let them marinate.  Expect that they will come up from her to try and get you to JADE.  As Waverider said, don't do it.

Right now: Don't add fuel to the fire. Stop making things worse from your side is absolutely key. MaroonLiquid - I love the marinate picture   You can't control what she is doing on FB etc. but you can rely on the fact that an angry pwBPD will act in a way that over time lets other people recognize that not all is well up there. Let her prove to the people her true colors.

What do I do now? Please help. It all started with me trying to save our marriage and now she's the one saying she cannot be with someone she will never trust again.

Check out workshops on validation e.g. here: "You are upset and feel betrayed by something I said." . End of message. By addressing her emotions they will be lessened to a degree. They won't go away but they are less sharp. Avoid invalidation e.g. by justifying or defending yourself that just incenses her and proves your guilt.

Depending on where you are in your discussion with her you may consider apologizing. You did not intend to hurt her, she was hurt by what you said and telling her was not the right thing in your own mind. If you do apologize, do it once (!), make sure it is heard and you truly validate her pain but then don't get baited into apologizing again and again. Do this only if you feel it is the right thing to do and if you do prepare properly and check with your T. The cleaner the better. Attention to details in communication matters and can be learned through practice.

[waverider]

Depending on where you are in your discussion with her you may consider apologizing. You did not intend to hurt her, she was hurt by what you said and telling her was not the right thing in your own mind. If you do apologize, do it once (!), make sure it is heard and you truly validate her pain but then don't get baited into apologizing again and again. Do this only if you feel it is the right thing to do and if you do prepare properly and check with your T. The cleaner the better. Attention to details in communication matters and can be learned through practice.

If you do this make sure it is about the fact that you didn't not appreciate how hard it was for her to hear you voice your concerns... .NOT that you were wrong in thinking this.

Apologizing without slipping into defensive retraction is a fine art, but well worth practicing.

[IsItHerOrIsItMe]

Excellent advice here too.  Learn the tools.  Learn how to really listen to the pwBPD.  It takes a while.  Also know, don't try and reason with the unreasonable. 

I'm still having troubles with this... .  It takes some getting used to that you'll never have an adult conversation with them... .

[formflier]

  It takes some getting used to that you'll never have an adult conversation with them... .

Never is a bit strong... .

In my experience... .it takes some prep work to get them ready for the conversation... .

And yes... .there are sometimes that an adult conversation is not going to happen... .but that is true with me as well.



FF