give in or stand my ground

[charley123]

hi everyone.  i would just like to ask your opinion about the latest issue between me and my mother, because frankly, I'm getting tired dealing with it on my own.

months ago she hired a help and was really nice to her. just last month she told me she wants to get rid of the help because she feels she's being disrespectful. i told her to look for a replacement before firing her. she said she cannot find a replacement until she kicks out the help. i stood pat and told her, if you don't want her, i can use her myself. seems she didn't like the idea because the situation got worse. just the other day i tried talking to her again and told her that since i will be needing extra hands, i will just use the services of the help, anyways I'm the one paying for her salary. before i knew it she started crying, clutching her chest and her head like she's in pain. she wants the help out period. i told her i cannot do that because its wrong. she's the only one complaining about her. i know this seems shallow, but this is just one of the few instances thats putting a strain in our relationship. one time for no reason she started texting me and calling me and my daughter names. i didn't say anything. she's like jerkily and hyde if you ask me and tends to over react and dramatise things. just earlier since i wasn't talking to her, she came out of her room with a bandaged foot and said that she hurt herself. i know not letting go of the help will aggravate the situation but i simply cannot do something that i know is wrong.

[Naughty Nibbler]

CHARLEY:

Can you get your mom to give you some examples of how she feels disrespected? Perhaps your mom is a bit territorial and she feels that the helper is invading her territory.  I'm thinking if "disrespecting her" is not adequately defined and understood, it may continue to be an issue with other helpers. Perhaps some boundaries can be established with the helper - to eliminate your mom's feeling of being disrespected.

A common situation I've seen with some elderly relatives through the years is a bit of paranoia on the part of the elderly family member.  Sometimes things can be stolen or damaged, but most often, the family member might be a bit forgetful and accuse the helper of taking things, damaging things or disturbing possessions.


 My dad passed in October.  My sister and I helped my parents out with various needs at their home.  My dad always objected to having strangers around.  Thank goodness he accepted the person he paid to mow his lawn, or I'd probably of had to go there weekly and mow it myself.  Repair needs generally were delayed until it became an urgent situation.  

You have my empathy.  We all want to help our elderly parent and many of us need to hire some help for that.  Hopefully you can get some details out of your mom.  Maybe it would work out if you asked her to make a list of boundaries and expectations for what she would want from a new helper.  The goal could be use the list of rules with the current helper and try to eliminate her feelings of disrespect.