I think it's finally over after 18 years.

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Well after having spoken to my uBPD husband of 18 years, I believe he is determined to get away this time. We have recycled this marriage so many times I have lost count. Stupidly it is always me that tries to pull it back from the brink. His latest obsession is taking holidays abroad, just me and him, without the kids, every 6 weeks or so. I don't like to leave the children alone, although they are teenagers, and they don't want me to go. My responsibilities lie here at home, for a little while yet anyway. Immediately after our last week away, he started looking for the next holiday. I told him I didn't want to go again so soon, and our son has his exams in May. I got a torrent of abuse in return, the kids are old enough to look after themselves... .it's not me that's taking the exams so why do I have to be here? ... .I am just making excuses not to spend time with him... .blah blah blah. Asked to defer the holiday till June, but it was a no go. If I wasn't going, he was going alone. The last time he went on holiday alone, he came home to tell me we were finished (he had planned himself a future in a foreign country while he was away without me). Quite obviously I am not happy about him going away again on his own. He has also had affairs in the past, so I can't trust him to go alone and stay that way!

The long and the short of it being, he gave me the silent treatment for a week, and booked the holiday for himself. I bought a sofa bed for him to sleep on downstairs and started making arrangements for him to move into a property we own, but rent out. Unfortunately we have to give the tenant 2 months notice, and as his name is on the deeds to this house, he can stay as long as he likes!

I spoke to him earlier , trying to get some understanding about why he has been trying to escape from this marriage more or less since day one... .According to him, I am to blame of course. I have mental issues and he can't live life on this rollercoaster any more. He has been searching for normality, because our relationship has never been stable. I guess at least we are leaving for the same reason!

For the first week since this all happened I felt strong and determined. These last two days I have been extremely depressed, and actually missing him... .even though he is still living under the same roof, we are very distant. I know I need to remain strong and let this happen. He should move out in about 7 weeks, but this is going to be a struggle. I am suffering with anxiety and not sleeping.

I guess one day I will look back and wonder how the hell I stuck it so long. I will never understand his reasoning, and the fact he can hold a grudge over tiny things that happened years ago and still bring them into arguments today, in his list of reasons I am unbearable to live with. I guess we are all in the same boat.

[spottydog]

Well after having spoken to my uBPD husband of 18 years, I believe he is determined to get away this time. We have recycled this marriage so many times I have lost count. Stupidly it is always me that tries to pull it back from the brink. His latest obsession is taking holidays abroad, just me and him, without the kids, every 6 weeks or so. I don't like to leave the children alone, although they are teenagers, and they don't want me to go. My responsibilities lie here at home, for a little while yet anyway. Immediately after our last week away, he started looking for the next holiday. I told him I didn't want to go again so soon, and our son has his exams in May. I got a torrent of abuse in return, the kids are old enough to look after themselves... .it's not me that's taking the exams so why do I have to be here? ... .I am just making excuses not to spend time with him... .blah blah blah. Asked to defer the holiday till June, but it was a no go. If I wasn't going, he was going alone. The last time he went on holiday alone, he came home to tell me we were finished (he had planned himself a future in a foreign country while he was away without me). Quite obviously I am not happy about him going away again on his own. He has also had affairs in the past, so I can't trust him to go alone and stay that way!

The long and the short of it being, he gave me the silent treatment for a week, and booked the holiday for himself. I bought a sofa bed for him to sleep on downstairs and started making arrangements for him to move into a property we own, but rent out. Unfortunately we have to give the tenant 2 months notice, and as his name is on the deeds to this house, he can stay as long as he likes!

I spoke to him earlier , trying to get some understanding about why he has been trying to escape from this marriage more or less since day one... .According to him, I am to blame of course. I have mental issues and he can't live life on this rollercoaster any more. He has been searching for normality, because our relationship has never been stable. I guess at least we are leaving for the same reason!

For the first week since this all happened I felt strong and determined. These last two days I have been extremely depressed, and actually missing him... .even though he is still living under the same roof, we are very distant. I know I need to remain strong and let this happen. He should move out in about 7 weeks, but this is going to be a struggle. I am suffering with anxiety and not sleeping.

I guess one day I will look back and wonder how the hell I stuck it so long. I will never understand his reasoning, and the fact he can hold a grudge over tiny things that happened years ago and still bring them into arguments today, in his list of reasons I am unbearable to live with. I guess we are all in the same boat.

[Lucky Jim]

Hi spottydog,

I am sorry to hear about all the stress you are under.  I can relate as I was married to my uBPDxW for 16 years.  It's hard, no doubt, to make the break, even after the marriage has long since broken down.  I understand that you may be experiencing a lot of mixed emotions along with your anxiety.  Though normally self-resilient and reluctant to throw in the towel, I reached a point where there was nothing left in the tank.  For a long time, I was pretending that things were OK in my marriage when it was actually a nightmare.  I am not here to tell you what to do, except to suggest that you listen to your gut feelings and stay strong with what is right for you.

LuckyJim

[spottydog]

Thanks LuckyJim . I am seriously having to keep myself occupied and try to work on myself. I have joined the gym, and am trying to spend my time doing things that will benefit me in the future. If I have too much time to think I find the whole situation overwhelming. Hopefully things will get easier when he eventually moves out. Why do I find myself obsessing about him all the time? I'm sure he doesn't think about me anywhere near as much - if at all! Things can only get better. Trying hard to stay strong and above all positive.

[Lucky Jim]

Good work, spottydog!  Suggest you keep the focus on you, rather than your H.  Sometimes I have to say "Cancel" or ":)elete" out loud when I find myself ruminating too much.  You really can shift your thought patterns.  Yes, I'm confident things will get better for you if you stay on your present course.  And don't forget to practice self-compassion.  LJ