The last couple of interactions between me and my BPDexgf have been gnawing at me. Initially, we ended things on good terms and tried to be friends, but I realized I needed some space because I was still very much reacting to things as if I was her boyfriend. Some weird things came up. Her telling me about getting hit on, inviting me out and then telling me not to come because her new boyfriend would be there. Some of this felt a little manufactured, like she wanted me know she was being hit on, who she was dating, etc. Regardless though, what was significant was that I was having visceral reaction to hearing this, as if I was still her boyfriend, so I decided I needed some space. I didn’t sever contact with her. We texted. I tried to provide her support on a few occasions when she needed it, but I did avoid seeing her in person because I thought things were still too raw for me.
Admidst this though, she still owed me $650 dollars from when I bailed her out of jail. And it had been some months and I thought it was fair for her to start paying it back. We decided on a time, all very nice. As the date approached, I touched base with her on a few occasions to make sure everything was cool because she really wasn’t keeping up on it. Apparently, she became really upset with the way I “handled” it, which is to say I contacted, asked her how everything was and then gently inquired about the money. I really tried to be as casual and cool about it as possible, but she got really offended. Anyway, she paid me back 200$ one day, but she said some hurtful things in the process ("you don't treat me like a friend... .I don't know if we're friends anymore and I don't care." I don't know why but those words have been echoing in my mind since I heard them. And then after - I tried to apologize to her because I truly didn't mean for her to get hurt, and she basically just said, "this is business now. I'm through with you as a person." And I don't really blame her for the substance of it. It probably was best that things turned out that way, but just the way it was done... .It felt more hurtful than I think it had to be. Also, it hurts because the implication of her attitude is that I was the bad guy (for simply trying to get her to pay me back). I feel like it’s just a reflection of BPD black and white thinking and it’s not necessarily rational, but it still hurt to hear. Even after I sent her that email to apologize and tell her to pay me back when she could, no time frame, her response felt like it contained some veiled criticism. She said something to the effect of, "I was hurt by the way things were handled, but it didn't give me a right to say what I did." On one end, I was truly appreciative that she was putting herself out there to apologize, but the apology didn't quite feel complete to me. It was as if she was saying, "you were clearly in the wrong and treated me like a bad person, but I shouldn't have engaged in that either." I don't know. That's probably just me being WAY overly sensitive to what she says, and holding her to unreasonably high standards.
This is crazy, because what it all boils down to is me wanting validation and forgiveness for something that probably doesn't need it, at least at this level. What was my crime? Reminding someone in as gentle and friendly a way as possible that they had to pay me back? But that's what I want
. I really want her to say, "Look, I know you weren't trying to hurt me with the way you handled the money thing. It was an awkward situation and I know you did the best you could, especially considering you didn’t ask to be in that situation”. Something like that ha. As hilarious as it sounds, I want her to validate that I'm a good person and wasn't trying to hurt her. Even as I write that, I know it's ludicrous and it's ON ME for putting that kind of power in her hands.
Anyway, I contacted the ex a couple of days ago to see if we could get back on track for her to pay me back the rest of the money and it was… cordial. Perfectly cordial. And that’s all the relationship will ever be most likely. And that’s a painful realization too. Even if it I know rationally it’s for the best.
