Am I dealing with a BPD spouse?

[Dr56]

New to the forum, first ever post. Sorry for the really long post, but am reeling and trying to understand.

My wife of 4 years, r/s of 9.5 years, ended the r/s about 6 weeks ago. Last fall we found ourselves in a series of roundabout arguments we couldn't seem to break out of; so we went to counseling for a while, worked through some things (or so I thought), and by the early part of this year, she was saying how her faith was restored, she was feeling in love again, so happy, felt we could grow stronger etc, etc. Then, in the middle of a discussion a few weeks ago about about where to spend our summer vacation, she basically unloaded, telling me about everything she hated in the relationship, all the hurtful or insincere things I've done (going back to the first weeks of our relationship over 9 years ago - no kidding), etc. I said we needed to go back to counseling. She agreed. Two days later she announced she wanted to move out, and has been gone now for two weeks. (She claims this was a completely spur of the moment decision). She has told almost nobody other than her sister and one or two close friends about the decision, and says (according to her sister) that she doesn't want people to know.

My T suggested borderline tendencies when I described some of my wife's behavior. My wife is from a family that includes a schizophrenic father, a narcissistic mother (who my wife ended her relationship with about 18 months ago), and similar issues elsewhere in the family tree. So I've taken to reading up here and am amazed at how others' stories bear resemblance to mine.

I always knew my wife had some neediness, heightened sensitivity, etc., but to be honest, I gathered it was perhaps not unexpected given her background, and generally seemed within reason. I encouraged her to seek out therapy when she broke off the relationship with her mom (she has done therapy start and stop since then), but I always thought she was the lucid one in her family. There are some BPD red flags from the beginning I can now see in hindsight; but the last 9 months or so have really been something else - and have had my head spinning unlike any other period in our relationship. Her behavior (some historically, but greatly heightened over the past 9 months) includes:

- Frequently saying, "You never pay attention to me." "I need attention." "You don't care about me." Would say this if I was checking my email for 5 seconds, talked to someone across the table at dinner, reading in bed, etc.   

- Asking, out of the blue, numerous times over the past few months, "Would you ever leave me? How can I be sure you wouldn't leave me?" Funny, that.

- When I would address something she cited as an issue, and I got to thinking we'd resolved it, saying things such as, "You only did that because you thought that's what I wanted." Or, instead of acknowledging the effort to change, saying, "I don't understand how you could have done something to upset me in the first place."

- Claiming I was completely uninterested in her and neglectful because I manned the bbq one night when we had friends over last September. Cited this as a sign of my emotional unavailability.

- When I left the room to cool down in the middle of an argument last fall, smashing a bowl on the ground and, when I ran back in and asked her why she did it, saying, "To finally get some attention."

- Telling me, after announcing her decision to split, "Your mom ruined our wedding." (Her mother threatened not to come to our wedding at one point; my mom basically helped organize the whole thing.)

- Then, two days later saying, "Your mom has nothing to do with us breaking up."

- Then, a day after that, "Your mom destroyed our relationship. I hope you can keep her from destroying your future relationships."

- Citing as a reason for the break-up, "You were such a great guy, and so loving to me. I just couldn't do it."

- Citing as a reason for the break-up, "Why did you take so long to propose to me?"

- Citing as a reason for the break-up, "I had a horrible time at our wedding. I remember one point during the wedding, you were talking to your friends, and I just thought, 'He's not even interested in me.'"

- Telling me, while watching me break down and cry after she announced the split, "I wish I could empathize with you right now, but I can't."

- Telling me she feels "so wonderful, like a weight has been lifted" off her back having made the decision, and making it a point to repeat this several times, on more than one occasion.

- Citing as a reason for the break up, "Your books are everywhere. Where is there room for my books?" For context: We have two bookshelves, with 9 shelves between them. My books take up about 4.5 shelves. A few months prior, of my own volition, I suggested donating some of my books to the library, just to declutter a bit. She said no, don't do it, because she might someday want to read some of the books I'd bought.

- Claiming that she had to move out because there was no room in our place for her stuff. Then leaving a bunch of her stuff here upon moving out.

- Saying, a few days after announcing the split, "I don't even care that you're not fighting for me."

- Texting and calling daily after the break-up to ask, "How do you feel?"  This was often when she made sure to tell me how great she's doing. (I've insisted on NC for the past two weeks, which she's respected thus far - I've gotten in touch once about an administrative matter.)

- Claiming it was my fault that she flirted with a guy at a party we were at a few months back.

- Telling me recently that the relationship is holding her back in her career, and now that we're broken up, she can do more in her career. (Context: I quit my job, moved away from family, and relocated abroad on account of her job 3 years ago. I am now over 4,000 miles away from my hometown, wifeless.) 

- Seeing me a few days after announcing the split and saying, with a hint of disappointment in her voice, "You actually look like you are doing OK."

- She always claimed she wanted kids. We thought she might be pregnant not too long ago. When it turned out she wasn't, she kept saying to me, "You don't seem truly disappointed that there was no baby. How can I trust that you want one? I want a man who is serious about having a family." Then, when citing reasons for ending the relationship, saying, "I don't think I want kids."

- Claiming that among the reasons she wants to divorce is because she thought I wasn't truly committed to home-ownership (we were saving money and speaking to real-estate agents about looking for houses, as recently as two months ago). Then, a week later, saying, "I've been going through life with this tick-box list of things to do that I never question, like buying a home. I don't want to do that stuff."

- Saying in a couples counseling session last fall, "But all of this stuff about communication doesn't explain why I feel so incredibly lonely all the time." To which the counsellor replied, "I think that's something you'll need to explore in your own therapy."

So, what do you all think? What am I dealing with here?

[Suzn]

Hello Dr56

Welcome. I'm sorry you've gone through all of this with your wife. Bpd behaviors are confusing for everyone. You describe a lot of push/pull behaviors which is common in these relationships. Fear of abandonment and fear of engulfment. You mention two events that could trigger stress, that being a possible pregnancy and buying a house.  Stress is a big trigger for a person with BPD.

You say this has escalated since the fall. Did something in particular happen 9 months ago?

[Dr56]

Suzn,

Thanks for your reply. The push/pull, black/white behaviour has definitely a become very marked feature of things lately. I can't think of a single, specific "trigger" over the past year. Obviously, in the past 4.5 years, we've had some significant life events in their own right - getting married, an overseas move; events I recognized as no doubt stressfull in their own right as they happened, but which (I thought) we worked through in various ways together as they were occuring.

As I mentioned, my wife went through a rupture in the relationship with her mother about a year and a half ago; she also had a major falling out with a very close family friend about 9 months ago (perhaps that's a recent trigger?). So she has ended three major close relationships in approximately 9 month intervals . . . I gather that is more than coincidence, and can't believe for a second that anyone who cuts off relationships of that significance in a short period of time is just, "doing fine," as she claims.

Beyond that, I wouldn't say there are any very obvious triggers. Certainly, as we've become more "settled", with the prospect of kids and long-term living arrangements setting in (discussions she often initiated, before decending into roundabout, "crazymaking" talk), things seems to have escalated. Maybe one point of interest is that as her relationship with her own mom has broken down, her issues with my mother seem to have increased. I can't help but think she's projected quite a bit of her own insecurity from her maternal relationship onto her maternal-in-law relationship. Over the last few months she has become OBSESSED with my relationship with my mother, telling me how dysfunctional she thinks it is. My mom and I have certainly had our issues at times (my parents divorced when I was young), but all in all we have a very loving, supportive relationship - absolutely nothing like the toxic relationship my SO has with her mother. I definitely think that recently my wife has done some things to try and drive a wedge between my family and me, which seems to coincide with a lot of her life-planning related stress.

I guess I tended to see a lot of these things as isolated problems we could work through together with time, and open communication; I'm only now learning about what a complex, overwhelming soup of emotions seemingly navigable life challenges can seem for people with borderline tendencies.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Dr56, Welcome!  I suggest that you use the resources on this site to learn more about the disorder, which is extremely complex.  Whether your spouse suffers from BPD is a question best left to a professional, though many of the behaviors you describe seem consistent with BPD.  Conflicts with family and friends are quite typical.  While you are sorting through these issues, I strongly suggest that you postpone any decisions about having children and take appropriate precautions.   

LuckyJim

[McGahee21]

other than basic arguing, and maybe some issues.  i read everything and imo, she met someone, and is projecting her guilt on you.

when a woman says i need space, or you dont pay attention to me, or i need time to figure things out, or for my career, books are everywhere?.  this is all bs as far as reasons to break up... .u know this.

shes with another dude and is trying to justify her guilt.

imo, back off asap.  let her do her thing. dont call, text nothing. ( this could help her discover her feelings for you again), but its up to u... .im guessing you are a needy person like me, very in depth type person and ive found its just something that turns women off, even if your intentions are good.  i mean, look at the mb we are on . but ya

im almost positive.  she fell out of love with you a long time ago ( about a year ago), and she met someone past 6 months when she was already emotionally done with you. now shes trying to resolve it in her own head, as im sure she feels bad. but she doesnt love you anymore.  

jmo, im not a dr obviously, but i dont think its BPD man... .

everything you state is very consistent specifically when a woman is done with a serious relationship. happened to me a couple times, and its totally different that the utter confusion and bizzare cosmic bunny hole of a BPD girl.  


very sorry bro

[Suzn]

Obviously, in the past 4.5 years, we've had some significant life events in their own right - getting married, an overseas move; events I recognized as no doubt stressfull in their own right as they happened, but which (I thought) we worked through in various ways together as they were occuring.

These are stressful for anyone, add in BPD, they are larger stress triggers. Getting married is a big one, fear of abandonment is often triggered once married. She has something to lose now. Fear of abandonment there. When you moved overseas was this closer to her family? 

As I mentioned, my wife went through a rupture in the relationship with her mother about a year and a half ago; she also had a major falling out with a very close family friend about 9 months ago (perhaps that's a recent trigger?).

Yes. Both major triggers.

Over the last few months she has become OBSESSED with my relationship with my mother, telling me how dysfunctional she thinks it is. I definitely think that recently my wife has done some things to try and drive a wedge between my family and me, which seems to coincide with a lot of her life-planning related stress.

A pwBPD will try to isolate you. What things?

Have you had a chance to read these?

Workshop - BPD BEHAVIORS: Silent treatment - verbal abuse.

Workshop - BPD BEHAVIORS: Projection

Workshop - BPD BEHAVIORS: Mirroring

Workshop - BPD BEHAVIORS: Splitting

Workshop - BPD BEHAVIORS: Objectifying the Non-partner

Workshop - BPD BEHAVIORS: Dissociation and Dysphoria

[Dr56]

McGahee21, Suzn,

Thanks for your responses.

McGahee- I appreciate your honesty, and that's why I put the question out there. My therapist suggested borderline/narcissistic behavior as a possibility, but honestly, I don't know. And yes, I agree, every reason my wife cited for breaking up was BS. I'm willing (if reluctantly so) to accept it may be just waning affection. I have no doubt that whatever has been sitting with her has been sitting with her for some time, whether a specific problem or not, whether another dude may be involved or not (I've put the question to her directly, and she has said no).  I've backed off, as you suggest, regardless of the reason for the current situation.

Suzn - With regard to my wife trying to isolate me from my family. About a year and a half ago, my parents and I got into a series of arguments with one another over email. It was only after I got to talking with my family after the recent split that we discovered she had goaded us into sending some pretty harsh messages between one another at the time (it's a long story), and concealed her role in egging on both sides. (Obviously, this came a bit before the 9 month mark I wrote of earlier.)   

[LimboFL]

Dr56,

Everything you have written screams of BPD. The hardest part of being faced with this kind of relationship, as someone who might understand the symptoms but hasn't lived with them, personally, is that our minds process information at face value.

I have said this many times on this board. When partners whom we love speak, they are not speaking in tongues and the words are coming out of the same person with whom we have had wonderful, lucid and loving moments with, so when they speak we trust and believe what they say. Our minds are simply not capable of recognizing whether the words we hear are coming from the disorder or not. It is especially frustrating when the words are delivered with such conviction, because the truth is that they believe everything they say, in that moment. We are left either frustrated, in complete disbelief or we crash to the floor in pain.

I could go on and on, but what I sense is that you are looking for something to cling to, to give you some peace of mind so that you don't lose yours. That what you are experiencing is not your fault and that ultimately, there is nothing that you could have done to correct the direction your ex is going in.

No I am not a doctor, but I spent the last four years of my own life living it and studying it and losing my own mind over it. One almost wishes that when they went into la la land, that they would somehow turn into another person so that our own minds could make sense of it, but it doesn't happen that way, so we are left questioning ourselves, questioning our own sanity, searching for what we could have done to derail the relationship. Anything that will allow our minds to process everything properly. There is no question though that, after living in that world for any extended period of time, that you do end up creating tension in the relationship because there is only so much bashing our heads against the wall that anyone can take, so we react.

No matter how sane we might have been walking into these relationships, we walk out of them having to unwind a lot of mind twisting that we suffered trying to cope and process the madness.

At this point DR, try your best to pull away from it, so that you can start to ruminate on the mind screw you have been through. It is painfully hard. Four months out and my brain still isn't anywhere near there. For the record, I still love my ex deeply and miss the good parts of her (because there were many), but whenever my mind tries to focus on only the good, I fight back and remind myself of all of the heart ache and stress she put me through. On occasion the events were blatant, aggressive and violent, but most of the time it was subtle, nuanced stuff that would slip under my skin and just keep burrowing deeper and deeper.  

At this point, despite just this morning having another small emotional breakdown, I am cold but trust me everyone here has had their hearts completely crushed. Like you, many of us saw our partners as the people we would grow old with. Most of us were deeply empathetic for what our partners had suffered as children and beyond, we all wanted to be the rock they could hold onto. In other words, we know exactly how you are feeling.

My suggestion is to let it out. I cannot even begin to tell you how many tears I have shed, how much anger I have felt, how cheated and robbed I have felt. However, I continue to allow the part of me that is grateful that I am no longer having to live that way, be my guide. You sound like me, almost laisser faire about how you were able to just continue to deal with everything, that you had the strength to keep moving forward. Trust me, as the end of the relationship begins to become more real, you suddenly feel a storm brewing, one that you have kept at bay for years and it will surface and result in an emotional burst. Let that burst happen.

Keep coming back here time and time and time again, no matter when you need to. The beauty of BPD Family is that we have all been through it, in one for or degree or another. No one will ever judge or get "tired" of hearing from you. This board has been instrumental in my ability to process it all. There is tremendous comfort in reading, even the silliest of things that sound exactly like what you went through. The more you read the more you find. As I have also said countless times, our ex's are humans, fragile (many times more than we) and individuals. They are not robots nor do we think of them as such, however, as you read more and more it is almost shocking how similar the stories are. You will, in time, find posters who have ex's who were very much like ours and others who had similar but dramatically different experiences in terms of degree and physicality. In the end though this is a place where you can find solace and what little peace is possible in the torment we have, are and will continue to endure.

As heartbreaking as it is to even say, one of the other posters on your thread was right. Thank God you and I didn't have children with these partners. I have a beautiful boy with my ex wife (not my ex BPD). For all of the pain I have and continue to go through, the truly heartbreaking stories on this board come from the people who have children. I know that not a single one of them would change it for the world, that they now have beautiful children, but the complexities and the emotions that surface when children are in the picture make what we are going through seem like a walk in the park. My heart goes out to every one of them.

Stay strong DR and come here often. This is the first time I have posted in a couple of weeks, because being here for me right now is actually somewhat of a hindrance, but I can't help but still stop by largely because I want to try to help people who are fresh out of this heartache.

[Lucky Jim]

It was only after I got to talking with my family after the recent split that we discovered she had goaded us into sending some pretty harsh messages between one another at the time (it's a long story), and concealed her role in egging on both sides.

Hey Dr, this sounds quite familiar.  I said some harsh things to family members after being egged on by my pwBPD, and I'm not proud of how I acted, or how I let myself get manipulated by my BPDxW.  Relationships with family and friends are normal and, I would add, crucial in order for you to keep perspective.  Don't let yourself become isolated.

LuckyJim

[LeonVa]

@Dr56,  most of the things you listed are familiar to me, VERY familiar, the lines are almost the same, even the way they smash things are similar.  I've done so much reading lately, I'm convinced that's BPD.

Anyway, move on. Your life is so much better without these drama. DO NOT HAVE A KID with her. I have a young son with her, I love my son, but what a mistake that is to have with her. 

You should only hope that in the future, after you are gone, for her own sake, she'll realize that something is wrong with her and seek treatment.  I've met one lately after going through therapy, they seem to get a bit better. 

As for as your responsibilities to her? Nothing. It's a problem only BPD themselves can resolve.