Tempted... but NOT gonna do it

[ReclaimingMyLife]

Yesterday I committed to SIXTY days of NC, No Stalking, No Filling Up the Bathtub (explained in other post).

I am abiding by it.  But as I sit here, right now I felt tempted to go to the FB page of the mutual friend who introduced us.  When I last I looked a couple of weeks ago the mutual friend's FB wasn't even active (or maybe he blocked me... .I don't know how you know) so there is no point in checking.  BUT STILL I WAS TEMPTED.

Instead, I will post here.

Yesterday I made a public declaration here to no contact (easy) and no online stalking (hard) for SIXTY days.  I will not look.  I can look in SIXTY days if I still have the urge.  But at THIS moment, I have the urge but will choose not to.

Glad to rack up days one day at a time (day #3 of sixty).

Thanks for being here. 

[DyingLove]

Reclaiming, you've got guts.  It takes restraint to accomplish that.  A pat on the back and a HUG to you... .it's also amazing that you seem to have taken action on exactly what you think/thought is right for you.  I'm battling everyday with things that I just don't know.  I can't pinpoint the things that trigger me, they pop up and surprize me and also the solutions just aren't clear either. Listening to your post and similar posts helps me as it must also help others.  Thank you.

[skittles22]

Honestly, never look again. Not even in 60 days. Don't keep it as a thing in your mind that you might do in the future. Feel the relief of it being a thing of the past. Like driving away from home, avoid the temptation to look in the mirror and just focus on what's ahead. Now it's time for some new territory. Good or bad, at least it's new. Everything you done with this person is locked away in the back of your mind for revisiting whenever you like, to recover or reminisce. Keep it there

[dagwoodbowser]

Reclaiming... .even though it's anonymous, your Public Declaration is bold. This place has been all the difference for me in not only learning and seeing destructive patterns that I know are unhealthy but about 10 days away from 60 myself. Day 50 today. Wish I could say there's a ritual, a thought or easy way. It's a daily grind. Sweat and tears, some days of sadness, another of anger, maybe regret and shame. Then it's a new day to check on your calender.

You have to be your own Viking. You're on new land, your Ship can take you back to the Old World.

I chose to burn the Ship.

If I could say there was something that has been helpful... .it's been disavowing Triggers. Mental fantasy about X, FaceBook, have her blocked on phone/text and email, destroyed emails and pics. It's a painful ordeal, but so is going back. You know what you will be getting if you go back.

[ReclaimingMyLife]

Reclaiming, you've got guts.  It takes restraint to accomplish that.  A pat on the back and a HUG to you... .it's also amazing that you seem to have taken action on exactly what you think/thought is right for you. 

Thank you, Dying.  I have guts because I know it works.  SIXTY days NC was suggested to me many years ago (25+) and I have used that system to "get over, get thru" every break-up I've had since then.  It has worked every time.  I make a chart and write each day of 60 down.  At the end of the day I make a check mark for having successfully completed the day.  I most often extend beyond 60.  The one before UxBPDbf went to about 190.  Those days give me the structure and safety to emotionally detox. 

I tell myself through each day that anything I need to say can be said in SIXTY days.  And then each day, I coach myself along... ."just today, just now, just this minute, just this week, just to ten days, let's get to 14, you can always change your mind, but let's keep going, let's get to one month, don't reopen the wound, just one more day, so close to 60 let's keep going."  One more hour! 

Which turns into 60 days, then 190, then I don't care anymore.  Doing 60 doesn't mean I want to do it or feel like doing it or am not miserable doing it.  But I do it anyway.  And sometimes I am not miserable.  Sometimes I feel like a Bad-Ass Break-Up Warrior! 

I haven't responded in about 106 days; its been 33 days of NC from him;  it is only day #3 of me cutting myself off from reading / looking / checking / stalking.  It is hard.  But worth it.  I feel self-respect.  Can't wait to get to 60. 

I'm battling everyday with things that I just don't know.  I can't pinpoint the things that trigger me, they pop up and surprize me and also the solutions just aren't clear either. Listening to your post and similar posts helps me as it must also help others.  Thank you.

I bet you do know what to do, Dying.  It just isn't fun.  We doubt it and fight it along the way.  But we do it anyway.  Because in my current state I cannot trust myself to make a good decision.  I get to SIXTY so my brain can be restored and take the lead in my decision making process. 

Maybe start a thread with a list of triggers so we can share ideas about what triggers us.  I know that looking at old text messages (nice or mean), listening to old messages is just me rolling around in the r/s.  It keeps me hooked.  When I am fighting hard to unhook!

[ReclaimingMyLife]

Honestly, never look again. Not even in 60 days. Don't keep it as a thing in your mind that you might do in the future. Feel the relief of it being a thing of the past. Like driving away from home, avoid the temptation to look in the mirror and just focus on what's ahead. Now it's time for some new territory. Good or bad, at least it's new. Everything you done with this person is locked away in the back of your mind for revisiting whenever you like, to recover or reminisce. Keep it there

Thanks, skittles!  I do not plan to ever communicate with him again.  Ever.  But breaking it up into smaller chunks, ie 60 days, helps me succeed.  60 is long enough that I get enormous benefit / detox yet small enough that it feels doable.  Then I just add to it.  Until I don't care.  I know I am safe to communicate when I no longer care.  And then when I don't care I no longer feel the need to talk.  There is nothing that needs to be said anyway.

Two b/u's ago I went to 190 days.  Then I bumped into him at the mechanic.  No trigger.  No problem.  Because I no longer cared.   

Love the rear-view mirror image.  Driving away from him, the misery, the lies, the stealing, the GFY's and into new territory! 

Amen.

[ReclaimingMyLife]

Reclaiming... .even though it's anonymous, your Public Declaration is bold. This place has been all the difference for me in not only learning and seeing destructive patterns that I know are unhealthy but about 10 days away from 60 myself. Day 50 today. Wish I could say there's a ritual, a thought or easy way. It's a daily grind. Sweat and tears, some days of sadness, another of anger, maybe regret and shame. Then it's a new day to check on your calender.

You have to be your own Viking. You're on new land, your Ship can take you back to the Old World.

I chose to burn the Ship.

If I could say there was something that has been helpful... .it's been disavowing Triggers. Mental fantasy about X, FaceBook, have her blocked on phone/text and email, destroyed emails and pics. It's a painful ordeal, but so is going back. You know what you will be getting if you go back.

Dagwood, CONGRATS on FIFTY!  Kudos to you.  Awesome work.  And yes, making the public declaration here has been very helpful.  I might have caved otherwise.  Any public declarations you want to make?  Esp as you approach 60.  Maybe commit to 120?  Something else?

I definitely know what I will get.  Why our (MY) tendency to think I am so special that I can somehow fix his miserable life?  I would never think I could say/do just the right thing to fix someone's cancer, heart attack, etc. 

Plus, I'd be pissed if someone had that attitude with me... ."oh, I'll just fix HER life."  I'd think "well, screw you, it is my godd*amned life to do what I want with it.  Even if I screw it up!"  So who am I to think otherwise for him?  It is HIS life.  Clearly, I am struggling enough with my own so time to get out of his.  For his sake and my own! 

Keep up the good work, dagwood

[DyingLove]

Reclaiming, you've got guts.  It takes restraint to accomplish that.  A pat on the back and a HUG to you... .it's also amazing that you seem to have taken action on exactly what you think/thought is right for you. 

Thank you, Dying.  I have guts because I know it works.  SIXTY days NC was suggested to me many years ago (25+) and I have used that system to "get over, get thru" every break-up I've had since then.  It has worked every time.  I make a chart and write each day of 60 down.  At the end of the day I make a check mark for having successfully completed the day.  I most often extend beyond 60.  The one before UxBPDbf went to about 190.  Those days give me the structure and safety to emotionally detox. 

I tell myself through each day that anything I need to say can be said in SIXTY days.  And then each day, I coach myself along... ."just today, just now, just this minute, just this week, just to ten days, let's get to 14, you can always change your mind, but let's keep going, let's get to one month, don't reopen the wound, just one more day, so close to 60 let's keep going."  One more hour! 

Which turns into 60 days, then 190, then I don't care anymore.  Doing 60 doesn't mean I want to do it or feel like doing it or am not miserable doing it.  But I do it anyway.  And sometimes I am not miserable.  Sometimes I feel like a Bad-Ass Break-Up Warrior! 

I haven't responded in about 106 days; its been 33 days of NC from him;  it is only day #3 of me cutting myself off from reading / looking / checking / stalking.  It is hard.  But worth it.  I feel self-respect.  Can't wait to get to 60. 

I'm battling everyday with things that I just don't know.  I can't pinpoint the things that trigger me, they pop up and surprize me and also the solutions just aren't clear either. Listening to your post and similar posts helps me as it must also help others.  Thank you.

I bet you do know what to do, Dying.  It just isn't fun.  We doubt it and fight it along the way.  But we do it anyway.  Because in my current state I cannot trust myself to make a good decision.  I get to SIXTY so my brain can be restored and take the lead in my decision making process. 

Maybe start a thread with a list of triggers so we can share ideas about what triggers us.  I know that looking at old text messages (nice or mean), listening to old messages is just me rolling around in the r/s.  It keeps me hooked.  When I am fighting hard to unhook!

I don't think I looked at it like that.  Knowing that by 60 days (or whatever you choose) you will be more able to make smarter decisions... .maybe not the best, but certainly smarter!  I like that.  Well today is 47 days n/c.  I did do something stupid yesterday, but fortunately I don't think it "took".  I attempted to play a word chum game with her, so I started the game, but NEVER got a response.  I'm assuming one of several scenarios:  She deleted that account on her phone, She stopped the game from running and is not playing it, She just doesn't want to respond to me.

So actually, at this point I'm glad that nothing happened. (at least so far).  I was advised the other day to make a list of PROS and CONS about her and our relationship (the whole Sh*t and Caboodle) and I started that and the list is getting longer and longer and I'm so happy I started it.  By the way I'm using MS Excel to do it... .works well.  I was told that if my PROS were greater than my CONS, I probably left the R/S for nothing.  Well the score is:  PROS 14 vs CONS 95.  Gives me a lot of reasons to be happy that I left and made the decisions that I did.  BUT I still love her to death!  Go figure!

[ReclaimingMyLife]

I was advised the other day to make a list of PROS and CONS about her and our relationship (the whole Sh*t and Caboodle) and I started that and the list is getting longer and longer and I'm so happy I started it.  By the way I'm using MS Excel to do it... .works well.  I was told that if my PROS were greater than my CONS, I probably left the R/S for nothing.  Well the score is:  PROS 14 vs CONS 95.  Gives me a lot of reasons to be happy that I left and made the decisions that I did.  BUT I still love her to death!  Go figure!

Dying, much applause for getting to day 47!  That is awesome and much to be proud of.  Likewise, good job on making your Pros & Cons list.  95 to 14 seems pretty much like a slam dunk! 

Publicly declaring on here that I would not do any online peeking has been very helpful.  Because even though I was technically racking up days, I was still torturing myself - and delaying my recovery - by reading all of the old messages and snooping around. 

Would it be helpful for you to publicly declare your commitment(s), Dying?  Things you will do or things you will avoid? This helped me a lot!

And just because we love someone doesn't mean we have to be with them.  I love my ex-husband.  But from afar works MUCH better.

[DyingLove]

I was advised the other day to make a list of PROS and CONS about her and our relationship (the whole Sh*t and Caboodle) and I started that and the list is getting longer and longer and I'm so happy I started it.  By the way I'm using MS Excel to do it... .works well.  I was told that if my PROS were greater than my CONS, I probably left the R/S for nothing.  Well the score is:  PROS 14 vs CONS 95.  Gives me a lot of reasons to be happy that I left and made the decisions that I did.  BUT I still love her to death!  Go figure!

Dying, much applause for getting to day 47!  That is awesome and much to be proud of.  Likewise, good job on making your Pros & Cons list.  95 to 14 seems pretty much like a slam dunk! 

Publicly declaring on here that I would not do any online peeking has been very helpful.  Because even though I was technically racking up days, I was still torturing myself - and delaying my recovery - by reading all of the old messages and snooping around. 

Would it be helpful for you to publicly declare your commitment(s), Dying?  Things you will do or things you will avoid? This helped me a lot!

And just because we love someone doesn't mean we have to be with them.  I love my ex-husband.  But from afar works MUCH better.

Thank you reclaimingML, I appreciate your kudos to me.  Felt good to read that.  When I told a friend (on FB) that I was 44 days N/C, they told me that just because I mentioned it like that... .that I wasn't moving on.  It is kinda like I'm just counting and moving day to day and keeping score.  But in a sense isn't everything "kinda" like that?  Oh well.  Anyway.  I've been good, but very "flaky" at the same time.  I can tell JOE SCHMOE what he should be doing (or just some advice), but to do it to myself is a whole 'notha story.  So If I make a public commitment and I screw up... .damn, I'll feel so crappy.  I'm also afraid that If I did right now, I just might be commiting to something I know I can do... .so it's like fitting the commitment to me rather than me to the commitment.  Is that understandable?

Same with the list... .I can break down the cons (I tried not to) into a million different things, but the pros only a couple of nice things about her.  But basically there were only a few things about her in the pros list, because all the other things that she might have going for her was negative (cons).  So mainly, she was sweet (in the beginning), the sex was there, the smile, the eyes, loving me (in the beginning) etx.   So many CONS though that I was able to elaborate on.  But the list helps me to remember why I'm not with her and kinda fuels my reason(s) for moving on.  On another hand, I step back and look at all the CONS and I feel BAD for her. Almost like I'm embarrased for her approach at life.  Kinda like a mother feeling pain over her child.  Gosh this stuff is complicated.  But thank you ReclaimingML

[ReclaimingMyLife]

Thank you reclaimingML, I appreciate your kudos to me.  Felt good to read that.  When I told a friend (on FB) that I was 44 days N/C, they told me that just because I mentioned it like that... .that I wasn't moving on. 

44 days is AWESOME!  Maybe the rest of the world doesn't have to emotionally detox from their r/s but since I always have (BPD or not... .which maybe is indicative of my part of the problem), I totally get what a big deal 44 days is.  And I think most people on this board do too.  You have MUCH to be proud of!

So If I make a public commitment and I screw up... .damn, I'll feel so crappy.  I'm also afraid that If I did right now, I just might be commiting to something I know I can do... .so it's like fitting the commitment to me rather than me to the commitment.  Is that understandable?

Yes, you could commit and fail.  Me too.  That is true for everyone of us on here.  But just maybe you'll commit, be fortified by your commitment and succeed!   

Or some of both.  Maybe you succeed more than you would have otherwise while stumbling along the way.  All of these are good options!  So what say you?  What do you know you need to commit to?  A big thing or a little thing? 

In just a few hours you'll be to FORTY-FIVE DAYS!  A milestone indeed

[ReclaimingMyLife]

Temptation returns.   At least it is consistent!   

Not tempted to make contact.   But tempted to look at his DOG'S fb page.   How ridiculous is that?    My UexBPDbf doesn't have his own FB page... .not a real one anyway tho he likely has a fake page for stalking purposes (not just me and I hope he's not somehow one of my FB friends).   I am not FB friends with his dog either!  Which makes this more and more RIDICULOUS!

But, still, I was feeling  tempted to look at the dog's page.   Freaking A!    Alas,  I will not.   60 Days No Stalking / No Filling Up the bathtub with sh*T!  I will tell y'all of my desire instead.

60 Days started April 29th and ends June 28th.  Just put it in the calendar.   No peeking,  no looking,  no nothing.   Closing off all points of entry!

Glad to come here to write of my temptation.   

Thanks,  peeps!

PS  first date post-b/u today.   Feeling excited and nervous.   Probably NOT a coincidence that I want to reach for some connection with my ex today... .Sigh!

[DyingLove]

Omg! ReclaimingMyLife resist! I hope you didn't catch this from me yesterday. I'm pecking this message one key at a time on my phone. I am out but wish I could be at my computer to talk to you. I'm so sorry, and I understand better than most. I'm thinking about you, and I know you will make it

[ReclaimingMyLife]

Omg! ReclaimingMyLife resist! I hope you didn't catch this from me yesterday. I'm pecking this message one key at a time on my phone. I am out but wish I could be at my computer to talk to you. I'm so sorry, and I understand better than most. I'm thinking about you, and I know you will make it

Wow, DyingLove, thank you.   Reading your post brought big ol' crocodile tears to my eyes.   They just spilled out.   Your words felt so genuine and so caring.   Like you really cared abt me,  my experience,  my feelings.   

Today's lunch date (first one post b/u) left me feeling tender and sad abt my ex.   I felt so comfortable being myself around my ex.   I had never felt so seen or understood.   But when I read your post, it hit that nerve of how often my ex didn't actually care for me.   Your kindness,  your willingness to peck out a msg one key at a time on your phone felt like you cared abt me and the way I am feeling,  my success.   

I was/am very touched and am viscerally and painfully reminded of how much that was lacking in my r/s.   He was all into me when I was in heroic problem-solving mode but so little when I needed something.   Even a congratulations when I'd tell him I kicked butt in a presentation.   

Thank you for reminding me that it is deeply okay for me to care about someone caring deeply for me.   Just the human me.     

Thanks again.   

PS  I did not look at his freaking dog's page!  WOO-HOO!

[DyingLove]

Omg! ReclaimingMyLife resist! I hope you didn't catch this from me yesterday. I'm pecking this message one key at a time on my phone. I am out but wish I could be at my computer to talk to you. I'm so sorry, and I understand better than most. I'm thinking about you, and I know you will make it

Wow, DyingLove, thank you.   Reading your post brought big ol' crocodile tears to my eyes.   They just spilled out.   Your words felt so genuine and so caring.   Like you really cared abt me,  my experience,  my feelings.   

Today's lunch date (first one post b/u) left me feeling tender and sad abt my ex.   I felt so comfortable being myself around my ex.   I had never felt so seen or understood.   But when I read your post, it hit that nerve of how often my ex didn't actually care for me.   Your kindness,  your willingness to peck out a msg one key at a time on your phone felt like you cared abt me and the way I am feeling,  my success.   

I was/am very touched and am viscerally and painfully reminded of how much that was lacking in my r/s.   He was all into me when I was in heroic problem-solving mode but so little when I needed something.   Even a congratulations when I'd tell him I kicked butt in a presentation.   

Thank you for reminding me that it is deeply okay for me to care about someone caring deeply for me.   Just the human me.     

Thanks again.   

PS  I did not look at his freaking dog's page!  WOO-HOO!

This sounds GOOD!  Like it was a win situation.  I am sorry I couldn't be at the keyboard for you as everyone was for me the other day.  I had AIR and SUN all day yesterday, Pecking one key at a time oh did I mention the glare!  LOL   It's worth it to help another.  It will always be worth tripping over lawn furniture and slipping in mud to help one person with their strife thru BPD.  NO, I didn't slip or trip, but I would have.  Everyone spent an entire afternoon with me... .whether they were gonna be there or not didn't matter, THEY WERE THERE!  I had a great day yesterday, was around people and family (what little I have) and I gotta say I ate well too.  Now, I did have a dream this morning, one where I woke up thinking... .BUT I WAS THERE!  It was horrible, so real, I wanted it so bad, She was there and... .need I say more?  Then I look around and see that,,I'm still stuck in limbo here.  I'm alive, with no life yet, but I'm far from defeated or dead.  I can make it and I have people that care about me.  I have people that I care about.  I have a "someone" that possibly doesn't know she's real special to me and I care, but time makes everything work or not.  When we do things for the right reasons, they always seem to work out. NOW- to be able to SEE the right reasons!  That's life, Seven, Eleven or Doubles!

By the way Reclaiming- I meant every word I said and I felt it all for you.  So YES I really care about you.