Struggles with No Contact

[Depression = 72% of members]

At day 50 and the big number 60 can be seen so easily but still struggling. Although not as bad, I still at times want to break n/c. I've pretty well eliminated most of the Triggers. Face Book is currently deactivated, my BPDx is blocked on phone and email, I've forced myself to stop the sensual/sexual replays, if I hear a song that triggers I fast forward, pics and old emails deleted and short of lobotomy or brain transfusion I dont know what else to do. My biggies are the following:

Hope: defined as expectation, desire, a recovery, desire or wish. I dont want any contact because she's too slick and clever and knows what to say to manipulate me not so much to really see how I'm doing I dont think, but because she "needs" something from me.  Yet again, there's that glimmer of hope that she will and it will be a genuine virtuous to really see how I am doing. However, I also know a Recycle is unhealthy since I'm already at 4 of them.

Desire: yearning, craving,wanting. My Pro's and Con's List is about 5 to 20, but damn it I miss those the 5 her gaze, touch, scent and although a few and far in between those beautiful moments of passion and intimacy. I'm simply not ready to show up into someomes life simply to pluck out those things I need and want.

Loneliness: sense of being destitute, depressed and remote. Friends are up to their eyeballs in my rants and while I dont hear it often it's the I told you so's and just get over it already speels. Taking my suppliments and St Johns Wort but it doesnt carve out the pain. I take daily walks and use that time to clear my head, pray and release her my my mind and soul. It helps, but it's a small blip of 45 minutes to an hour.

I may have missed some. I know most of you are in the same leaky boat.

Anyone doing a better job at coping?

[dagwoodbowser]

At day 50 and the big number 60 can be seen so easily but still struggling. Although not as bad, I still at times want to break n/c. I've pretty well eliminated most of the Triggers. Face Book is currently deactivated, my BPDx is blocked on phone and email, I've forced myself to stop the sensual/sexual replays, if I hear a song that triggers I fast forward, pics and old emails deleted and short of lobotomy or brain transfusion I dont know what else to do. My biggies are the following:

Hope: defined as expectation, desire, a recovery, desire or wish. I dont want any contact because she's too slick and clever and knows what to say to manipulate me not so much to really see how I'm doing I dont think, but because she "needs" something from me.  Yet again, there's that glimmer of hope that she will and it will be a genuine virtuous to really see how I am doing. However, I also know a Recycle is unhealthy since I'm already at 4 of them.

Desire: yearning, craving,wanting. My Pro's and Con's List is about 5 to 20, but damn it I miss those the 5 her gaze, touch, scent and although a few and far in between those beautiful moments of passion and intimacy. I'm simply not ready to show up into someomes life simply to pluck out those things I need and want.

Loneliness: sense of being destitute, depressed and remote. Friends are up to their eyeballs in my rants and while I dont hear it often it's the I told you so's and just get over it already speels. Taking my suppliments and St Johns Wort but it doesnt carve out the pain. I take daily walks and use that time to clear my head, pray and release her my my mind and soul. It helps, but it's a small blip of 45 minutes to an hour.

I may have missed some. I know most of you are in the same leaky boat.

Anyone doing a better job at coping?

[newtothis28]

no 

[Infern0]

I'm at day 25. I actually left the site last week on Thursday because I'd had 18 days NC and was starting to feel better.  We had parted not in the worst of ways and she had said she understood that I couldn't be in contact to heal. We split up because she wasn't committing to me the way I wanted. 

Anyway fast forward to last Saturday night and boom she texts,  ice had FIVE attempts to break NC from her since then, for a variety of reasons.

Belive me it's easier to stay off the drink if the bottle isn't throwing itself at you.

In short, my resolve Is weakening.  Obsessive thinking is creeping in and it's getting to me.

One... .last... .try

Is what I'm fighting right now

[Mister Brightside]

Hey buddy (dagwoodbowser). I'm at day 42, so we're in pretty similar situations in that regard. Let's keep it going! I personally can't believe how fast those 42 days went by. I'm still struggling a lot like you are, but the next 42 days (50 in your case) will go by fast too, and hopefully we're that much closer to feeling back to our old selves.

One thing that really stood out to me in your post was under the desire section. There you listed five pros related to her (gaze, touch, scent, passion, and intimacy). It's interesting that those mostly relate to her ability to seduce rather than to be a decent, loving human being. It's difficult to see now, but one day when you're with a woman who is genuine, and has unconditional love qualities, you are going to be so happy to have the new person over the old person. I'm preaching to myself, and everyone else here as well.

[dagwoodbowser]

Anyway fast forward to last Saturday night and boom she texts,  ice had FIVE attempts to break NC from her since then, for a variety of reasons.

Belive me it's easier to stay off the drink if the bottle isn't throwing itself at you.

In short, my resolve Is weakening.  Obsessive thinking is creeping in and it's getting to me.

One... .last... .try

Is what I'm fighting right now

Inferno, wish you the best man. Really do. At end of the day that's why I Blocked her with that Android App. While a curious part of me would like to see how strong I am now Im Not going to tempt bad fate. She's Kryponite to my Super Powers.

[dagwoodbowser]

It's interesting that those mostly relate to her ability to seduce rather than to be a decent, loving human being.

Mr.Brightside great observation I had not seen. But yeah, she's all about the Seduction and I know that once she snags me, gets what she wants I'm discarded toast. She'll also want me to hear about all her drama but wont hear me out to my troubles. Tired of being her Emotional Tampon.

[myself]

Time going by is a huge factor in detaching/moving on.

If what you're doing is already making things better, keep going.

Missing someone you care(d) so much about is natural.

Going backwards isn't. 'One more taste/smell/etc.' won't cure either of you.

It's been about a year and a half for me. Still have my moments/days.

But life is more balanced with the focus more on me than her.

[fromheeltoheal]

You might find that if we stay still the past can pull us backwards or instill the feeling that we're stuck.  50 days is not very long at all, and I was in the thick of it then, I can relate.  If you work doubly hard at consciously shifting your focus from her to you and from the past to the future you will start moving forward instead of being pulled back; imagine a future where you've detached, healed and grown and are enthusiastically living the life of your dreams, with a gleam in your eye, a spring in your step and a song in your heart.  And then make that vision very big and bright in your head.  And then take one step towards it, just one.  And then do it again.  If the vision is bright enough it will pull you towards it, and once you take a few steps momentum will build.  Doing that is always a good idea, but right now it's important to do it with extra effort to overcome the backward pull.

And if someone had told me that 50 days after I left her and would have told them to go screw themselves, but give me another beer first.  But don't be me.  The future is ours for the taking and we CAN create the life of our dreams, by creating a vision and taking steps towards it, one day at a time.  And once you do that memories of her will still be there, although how you feel about them will change over time, and mostly just lose all their power so it just won't matter.  We look forward to updates; take care of you!

[dagwoodbowser]

50 days is not very long at all, and I was in the thick of it then, I can relate.

So far it seems like an eternity... .. May last record was 23 days?

And if someone had told me that 50 days after I left her and would have told them to go screw themselves, but give me another beer first.

Just a beer! Damn... .I would want several shots! or at least enough to go into toxic alcohol poisioning

[fromheeltoheal]

50 days is not very long at all, and I was in the thick of it then, I can relate.

So far it seems like an eternity... .. May last record was 23 days?

So you more than doubled your record, congratulations!  And of course counting days is looking backwards, which is appropriate at first, and the good news is it will get easier if you stick it out and do the work, and then one day you'll realize you have no idea how many days it's been because you've shifted your focus from the past to the future and are moving on.

And if someone had told me that 50 days after I left her and would have told them to go screw themselves, but give me another beer first.

Just a beer! Damn... .I would want several shots! or at least enough to go into toxic alcohol poisioning

No you don't.  I did a whole lot more than beer to be honest, and as we all know it worked pretty well in the moment and then I paid for it for several days after, the older you get the longer it takes to recover, and guess how bad it felt when I thought about my ex with a raging hangover?  Shortcuts, including booze, don't work, and the easiest way is to take care of yourself very well and feel all the feelings all the way, they will pass, and you will be older and wiser as a result.  Take care of you!

[DyingLove]

At day 50 and the big number 60 can be seen so easily but still struggling. Although not as bad, I still at times want to break n/c. I've pretty well eliminated most of the Triggers. Face Book is currently deactivated, my BPDx is blocked on phone and email, I've forced myself to stop the sensual/sexual replays, if I hear a song that triggers I fast forward, pics and old emails deleted and short of lobotomy or brain transfusion I dont know what else to do. My biggies are the following:

Hope: defined as expectation, desire, a recovery, desire or wish. I dont want any contact because she's too slick and clever and knows what to say to manipulate me not so much to really see how I'm doing I dont think, but because she "needs" something from me.  Yet again, there's that glimmer of hope that she will and it will be a genuine virtuous to really see how I am doing. However, I also know a Recycle is unhealthy since I'm already at 4 of them.

Desire: yearning, craving,wanting. My Pro's and Con's List is about 5 to 20, but damn it I miss those the 5 her gaze, touch, scent and although a few and far in between those beautiful moments of passion and intimacy. I'm simply not ready to show up into someomes life simply to pluck out those things I need and want.

Loneliness: sense of being destitute, depressed and remote. Friends are up to their eyeballs in my rants and while I dont hear it often it's the I told you so's and just get over it already speels. Taking my suppliments and St Johns Wort but it doesnt carve out the pain. I take daily walks and use that time to clear my head, pray and release her my my mind and soul. It helps, but it's a small blip of 45 minutes to an hour.

I may have missed some. I know most of you are in the same leaky boat.

Anyone doing a better job at coping?

Dagwoodbowser, dang good post!  I especially like that you did the pro/con list too.  You probably did it first, but that doesn't matter, you did it!

I'm going to TRY to explain the thing that gets my goat.  First a bit of background. Last week, on fb I posted something, but to make a long story short my ex's friend/excoworker posted something saying that "she loved me in the past". Then in a PM she explained too that just the other day she said she did love me.  Last night, a different friend of the ex was talking to me, wondering why I hadn't contacted her (the friend) and kept in touch. She was wondering if she did something wrong.  BUT AT ONE POINT----she volunteered information about what my ex had posted on her wall.  I said, do I even want to know this?  Well she came out and said that she posted something about the b/u.  Now I'm starting to ruminate. Next she said it was no biggie, just inspirational stuff like I post.  At that point I'm in tears and ready to climb the walls with anxiety.

So, this is what gets too me.  I'm kinda okay, and I'm still alright with N/C.  Then some thought pops into my head, maybe something like a vision of her in my minds eye, a thought that she might be trying to reach out to me. Then it turns into a thought of: well If I don't do something quick, I might lose her!  But I've already lost her!  I then think; Initially I dropped my entire life for her, I left my home and moved to her state to be with her and accept the promise she made me of forever.  And then I think, geeeez!  If I did all that, don't you think she could at least contact me first if she was in love with me and wanted to make another go of it? Then I think of the cons in my list and I start to get more level headed and say, that no matter what happens, we could not possibly make it work. Then I think, love always finds a way. Then I think, but she nearly killed me! Then I think, well love is for better or worse, sickness/health, rich/poor, death do us part. Then I say, what is going to happen if she approaches me. First off, her kid is 9 and she's gotta stay in Fl. because of the biodad. Second, she is so stuck on her family being of UTMOST importance (way more important than I ever was), so she isn't going to want to leave Fl.  So am I going to go back there?  Will anything really be different? Why am I grieving over it?  But then I see her and her cute smile, and eyes, cute little walk, and then I also think about the intimate stuff.  So I'm getting all wound up and then I know darn well that it can't work out.  But then I think, well what if she takes the initiative and come her to prove herself by taking the first step.  And it all goes round and round.  Sadness to Anger to Confusion to Excitement and then it goes around too.  If I could just not be so hooked on her being the love of my life, I could possibly move on.  Then I ask myself if I actually do want to move on.  Most of this just happens in the minds eye and really fast. Not leaving any time or room to seek help or a solution at 10pm.  Sometimes in the evening I talk to a friend going thru similar, and by time we call one another, one of us is grieving and the other might be mad, so we always soothe one another some how.  Unfortunately she is in an earlier time zone and I sometimes fall out before we talk.  Actually, I think we hit it off very well. If people like her and I met one another, relationships would be much more happy and fulfilling.

[dagwoodbowser]

Last week, on fb I posted something, but to make a long story short my ex's friend/excoworker posted something saying that "she loved me in the past". Then in a PM she explained too that just the other day she said she did love me.  Last night, a different friend of the ex was talking to me, wondering why I hadn't contacted her (the friend) and kept in touch. She was wondering if she did something wrong.  BUT AT ONE POINT----she volunteered information about what my ex had posted on her wall.  I said, do I even want to know this?  Well she came out and said that she posted something about the b/u.  Now I'm starting to ruminate. Next she said it was no biggie, just inspirational stuff like I post.  At that point I'm in tears and ready to climb the walls with anxiety.

DyingLove, I think both of us have same amount of days no? I'm as new to this as you are, but I have been taking on a Viking attitude and burning any ships that lead back to her, especially FB. At least for me I've had 2 back to back strong days to include today. I credit staying focused on these boards and I've read a few posts about some members either reaching out and getting their hands slapped or actually meeting and being intimate with the same horrible consequences. I know my X is probably going Bonkers cause I'm Not making any contact and she's blocked. So if there is any type of Revenge (and it's not really) it's her getting a couple of tablespoons of her own medicine. You like anyone else will do what you feel you have to do and I'm Not immune to falling off the wagon neither but for now... .I stay away from Triggers.

[DyingLove]

So easy to fall off the wagon Dagwoodb.  Sometimes I can't even stand up without getting tippsy. LOL  Yes we are about the same give or take a day or so.  Triggers are awful. I find that most of the time, I can get into a tv series at night and it will calm me down a bit and keep me occupied. There is one catch to that... .A lot of series I watched with my ex.  Damn we had such good times! Sometimes I'd fall asleeep and she would be up for hours watching more episodes. HAHA then she'd get mad that I got her started.  Damn I love her.  That almost always just comes out automatically.  I trigger myself.   How can I NOT love her when I do. I'm only fooling myself if I try to talk myself out of it.  Do you do that too?

[dagwoodbowser]

Damn I love her.  That almost always just comes out automatically.  I trigger myself.   How can I NOT love her when I do. I'm only fooling myself if I try to talk myself out of it.  Do you do that too?

Truthfully and honestly... .No. 1. I no longer feel Love for her. It's a combo meal of pity, disgust and some anger. Psychologically I'm sure someone will tell me that those emotions circle back to Love but at this moment as I write this No. Do I trigger myself? Yes, but less and less. Face Book is currently deactivated, my BPDx is blocked on phone and email, I've forced myself to stop the sensual/sexual replays, if I hear a song that triggers I fast forward, pics and old emails deleted. FB, emails and her BS prose and poetry type Words have been eliminated. I stated it in another post she the 80/20 Rule applied to her. 80% of what she was all about were Words. Hypnotic, seductive words that I gave too much value to. The other 20% were Actions that Contradicted everything that oozed out of her mouth.

[DyingLove]

Damn I love her.  That almost always just comes out automatically.  I trigger myself.   How can I NOT love her when I do. I'm only fooling myself if I try to talk myself out of it.  Do you do that too?

Truthfully and honestly... .No. 1. I no longer feel Love for her. It's a combo meal of pity, disgust and some anger. Psychologically I'm sure someone will tell me that those emotions circle back to Love but at this moment as I write this No. Do I trigger myself? Yes, but less and less. Face Book is currently deactivated, my BPDx is blocked on phone and email, I've forced myself to stop the sensual/sexual replays, if I hear a song that triggers I fast forward, pics and old emails deleted. FB, emails and her BS prose and poetry type Words have been eliminated. I stated it in another post she the 80/20 Rule applied to her. 80% of what she was all about were Words. Hypnotic, seductive words that I gave too much value to. The other 20% were Actions that Contradicted everything that oozed out of her mouth.

I try not to fight the feeling of love.  All the other feelings I do fight because I don't want them (grief, pain, etc.)  Songs trigger me often. I had to walk out of the office the other day. My son came out and saw I was distressed and put his arm on me and said: dad it's good to have you back.  I needed that so bad.  He has no clue, just like no one does but us. But he tries to put up with me.  It's just so much better to talk to someone even if you are just talking at them in a way.  Pictures: I've deleted a crapload.  I can even envision that picture of her on her wedding day to her #2.  I used to tell her it should have been us. But most of those old pics I dumped. I still got a lot to go thru, when I have the strength.  I will.  Good night for now, I'm exhausted.  By the way, I'm working on my self esteem, got some audio files and it all makes sense.  I don't know if you've looked into it, but if you didn't do a google search.  I can let you know which one I have if you like.