Why can't I stop thinking about a man who hurt me for 25 years? Explain, please

[Survivor25]

Why does not one day go by that I don't think about why he isn't calling, or what he's doing, or if he's thinking abut me? It's obsessive! I spent 90% of our 25 year marriage begging for his attention, apologizing for things I did't even do, wondering where he was, hoping he would show up on time, cleaning up his life messes, embarrassed of his behavior, keeping track of his phone, glasses, shoes, etc. For God sakes, wha the hell am I missing here? I need an explanation of why this is happening. I finally am living in peace and quiet without conflict and I'm completely lost and miserable. Which makes absolutely NO sense. I was miserable with him. Why am I miserable alone? Shouldn't I be jumping up and down for joy that I actually broke free? I'm not. All I am is sad, sad, sad.  

[Left broken and confused]

I also share your feelings. I have become obsessive about him yet when we were together he also embarrassed me by the way he acted in public and I really wasn't happy in the relationship. I very much enjoyed my time away from him until now. Now every time he calls or texts me I am happy at least for the day. It's just crazy on my part and I have no idea why I feel like this when I know I deserve so much better

[Survivor25]

We've spent the last year apart continuing to text each other, even after the divorce. Sometimes he would text words of love that would change my entire day and then I would text back and get no response for a week. All of that ended last week when I texted him a very mean response to something he had done regarding the children. I expect he will never text or call me again as he has probably decided I am the evil witch. The crazy thing is, I feel guilty for sending a mean text and I feel like I should apologize for it. I haven't. No contact for now. I have got to figure out how to let go or I will never be able to enjoy my life again.

I also share your feelings. I have become obsessive about him yet when we were together he also embarrassed me by the way he acted in public and I really wasn't happy in the relationship. I very much enjoyed my time away from him until now. Now every time he calls or texts me I am happy at least for the day. It's just crazy on my part and I have no idea why I feel like this when I know I deserve so much better

[Mister Brightside]

Two things. First, I suppose you're suffering from a trauma/betrayal bond. Have you heard of that term before? Whether you have or haven't, it may be helpful for you to look into it (or look into it more). One book suggested by this web site (and a book suggested to me by a therapist before I located this web site) is a book called "The Betrayal Bond: Breaking Free of Exploitive Relationships." It might be a good read for you. It was checked out at my local library at the time, and I was so desperate for help, that I instead bought the kindle version on Amazon. Here's a decent synopsis of what the book is about: (www.lovefraud.com/shop/the-betrayal-bond/)

Second, codepenency (www.psychcentral.com/lib/symptoms-of-codependency/00011992). In the aforementioned link, one thing that sticks out to me after reading your story is the caretaking section (cleaning up his life messes and the like).

I think those two things will explain to you what's going on in your situation (trauma bonding and your codependency traits).

[Mister Brightside]

*accidental double post on my part*

[confusedwoman]

That's a great way to sum it up, survivor25. I feel that way often too. My ex treated me poorly, took advantage of me, lied to me, and so on, so why should I ever in a million years miss him? Why should I doubt myself or even mentally reconsider the possibility of a relationship? It's hard to explain and its a confusing feeling to experience, isn't it?

From what Ive learned so far about BPD and related personality disorders, I think Mister Brightside is spot on with the suggestion of trauma bonds. (Thanks for the book recommendation, I'm going to look into it as well!). The concept of a trauma bond does make a lot of sense and it's relieving to have an explanation for why we emotionally feel attached to someone who we logically know we shouldn't long for.

[momtara]

because we remember the good times too. because being alone is hard. because in this cruel world, sometimes being with someone who is there for you even 10 percent of the time feels better than being alone. most of all, because you are human.

[going places]

Why does not one day go by that I don't think about why he isn't calling, or what he's doing, or if he's thinking abut me? It's obsessive! I spent 90% of our 25 year marriage begging for his attention, apologizing for things I did't even do, wondering where he was, hoping he would show up on time, cleaning up his life messes, embarrassed of his behavior, keeping track of his phone, glasses, shoes, etc. For God sakes, wha the hell am I missing here? I need someone to explain.

25 years of brain conditioning to accept abuse as normal.

25 years of habit.

25 years of doing the same thing, again and again.

If you adopted a dog from the humane society that was 10 years old, and ALWAYS pooped in the house, and you took him home, and he pooped in the house, would you be mad at him?

He's only doing what he has always done.

He's only doing what he knows.

It took 25 years to get us where we are today, it's not going to change overnight.

Time and SERIOUS HARD CORE rewiring of the brain.

When you 'wonder why he's not calling' tell yourself the truth.

He's not calling because he dosen't care.

SO

YOU care for YOU.

Join a gym. Join a yoga class.

Join a boxing club, karate.

Take a shooting class at a range.

Learn to play golf.

DO something for YOU. And YOU only.

Self care.

Retrain your brain... .

I finally am living in peace and quiet without conflict and I'm completely lost and miserable. Which makes absolutely NO sense. I was miserable with him. Why am I miserable alone? Shouldn't I be jumping up and down for joy that I actually broke free? I'm not. All I am is sad, sad, sad.  

You are breaking the addiction.

That's why addicts stay addicted.

Kicking sucks.

You have to retrain your brain.

Google "abuse advocate __________ (your city and state)"

They are free.

They are an ENORMOUS help.

Please, go see an abuse advocate. They were a God send for me... .saved my life.

Absolutely no contact. Do not allow him to continue to have his foot in the door.

Do not allow him the freedom to abuse / misuse you.

He's either all in, or all out.

Anything in the middle, will perpetuate the pain, and will slow down / stop all healing.

[LimboFL]

I found this online, thought it might shed some light. Thank you Mister Bright for steering us in the right direction. The addiction part we knew but, at least I, haven't read the full blown explanation. Amazing and frightening all in the same breath:

The “Addictive” Trauma Bond-Learning What It Is And How To Help Yourself Heal

Posted on January 27, 2013 by theabilitytolove

     

The following gives an accurate description of the highly ‘addictive’ quality of traumatic relationships with the disordered. The following is by Dr. Patrick Carnes and from his book, “The Betrayal Bond”. This is an excellent resource for your recovery:

Trauma Bonds

by Patrick J. Carnes, Ph.D., CAS

Abandonment and trauma are at the core of addictions. Abandonment causes

deep shame. Abandonment by betrayal is worse than mindless neglect.

Betrayal is purposeful and self-serving. If severe enough, it is traumatic. What

moves betrayal into the realm of trauma is fear and terror. If the wound is deep

enough and the terror big enough, the body alters. The system elevates into an

alarm state, never safe. Waiting for the hurt again. In that state of readiness

the client doesn’t notice that part of them has died. The client is grieving.

Like everyone who has loss, the clients have shock and disbelief, fear,

loneliness, and sadness. Yet the clients don’t notice because their guard is up.

In their readiness, the clients abandon themselves. Yes, another abandonment.

What we see is highly addictive attachment to the persons who have hurt the

clients. The clients may even blame themselves, their defects, their failed

efforts. The clients strive to do better as their lives slip away amongst all the

intensity.

These attachments cause the clients to distrust their own judgment, to distort

their own realities so much, the clients can place themselves at more risk. The

clients are bracing themselves against further hurt. Taking precautions which

almost guarantee more pain. These attachments have a name. They are called

trauma bonds.

Exploitive relationships create trauma bonds. These occur when a victim bonds

with someone who is destructive to them. Similarly, adult survivors of abusive

and dysfunctional families struggle with bonds that are rooted in their own

trauma experiences. To be loyal to that which does not work – or worse, to a

person who is toxic, exploitive, or destructive to the client, is a form of insanity.

A number of signs exist for the presence of a betrayal bond:

1. When everyone around the client is having negative reactions so strong the

client is covering up, defending, or explaining a relationship.

2. When there is a constant pattern of non-performance and the client

continues to expect them to follow through anyway.

3. When there are repetitive, destructive fights that are no win for anybody.

4. When others are horrified by something that has happened to the client

and the client isn’t.

5. When the client obsesses about showing someone that they are wrong

about the abuse, their relationship, or their treatment of the client.

6. When the client feels loyal to someone even though the client harbors

secrets that are damaging to others.

7. When the client moves closer to someone who is destructive with the

desire of converting them to a non-abuser.

8. When someone’s talents, charisma, or contributions causes the client to

overlook destructive, exploitive, or degrading acts.

9. When the client cannot detach from someone even though the client does

not trust, like or care for the person.

10. When the client misses a relationship even to the point of nostalgia and

longing that was so awful it almost destroyed the client.

11. When extraordinary demands are placed on the client to measure up as a

way to cover up exploitation of the client.

12. When the client keeps secret someone’s destructive behavior because of all

of the good they have done or the importance of their position or career.

13. When the history of their relationship is about contracts or promises that

have been broken, which the client are asked to overlook.

They all involve exploitation of trust or power or both. They all can result in a

bond with a person who is dangerous and exploitive. Signs of betrayal bonding

include misplaced loyalty, inability to detach, and self-destructive denial.

Professional therapists can be so focused on their client’s woundedness; they

will overlook the trauma bonds that may remain.

Finally, consider the context in which trauma bonds are most likely to occur:

• Domestic violence

• Dysfunctional marriages

• Exploitation in the workplace

• Religious abuse

• Litigation

• Kidnapping

• Hostage situations

• Cults

• Addictions (alcohol, drugs, gambling, eating, sex, and high risk)

• Incest and child abuse

• Violence in other lands is closer than before. Terrorism and hatred leak

across our borders. No longer can we say that is not our problem. The

experience of 9/11 underscores the need for awareness about trauma.

• Between 1985 and 1993 exposure to violence increased 176% for the average

junior high school student. Fifty per cent of women in our culture will

experience some form of sexual assault during their lifetimes

Effects of Trauma on the Brain

When people are profoundly frightened, trauma creates a biological alteration

of the brain. At birth, only primitive structures like the brain stem (which

regulates fight/flight) are fully functional. In regions like the temporal lobes

(which regulate emotions and receive input from the senses), early experiences

wire the brain circuitry.

When early trauma/deprivation are present, the circuitry to and within the

temporal lobes are profoundly affected, resulting in emotional and cognitive

problems. Our primary brain goes into stimulation and is flooded with

neurochemicals. When the source of the fear goes away, the chemicals go

away. The person experiences cravings. They can become attached to trauma.

People become reactive human beings-going from stimulation to action without

thinking. PTSD is reacting years later to early trauma events

Two factors are essential in understanding traumatic experiences. How far our

systems are stretched and for how long. Some events happen only once or just

a few times, but the impact is so great that trauma occurs. Trauma by

accumulation sneaks up on its victims. They become acclimatized. Traumas

that are horrendous and long lasting are the worst. Such was the holocaust. Or

Vietnam or 9/11.

Emotional scars can be so severe that generations descended from those

surviving will react in ways that still reflect the original trauma. No amount of

normalcy makes it safe. Patterns and attitudes evolve far beyond the individual

and are incorporated into family and society. <end>

There is a universal stumbling block that I have noticed with survivors, as well as from time to time within myself, that I’ve given much thought too. A survivor was in distress about this the other day because her mind kept gravitating toward her ex. She has been out of the relationship about two years, just as I have been.

She explained her circumstances and I shared that I would ponder…then I had an “aha!” moment!

The more I think about these relationships, along with similar but not always exact patterns I see with survivors, it is becoming crystal clear to me how the ‘addictive’ component plays out and how compelling it truly is.

WE MUST TREAT IT LIKE AN ADDICTION.

The psychopath was our drug. We had chemical changes in the brain when due to the intense cognitive dissonance in the relationship. This means moving goal posts in our realities with him. He’s nice one minute, but utterly cruel the next. He can go a week and it is peaceful, but then we find out he’s cheating. Many scenarios can play out…so is he good, or is he bad? This cycle sets up the trauma bond, or rather the addictive element due to the severity of the insidiousness of the abuse.

So, let me ask you this:  Have you had another addiction you’ve struggled with? There are many, addictions to substances is only one area of addiction. We have addictions to food,  to sex,  to spending, to hoarding…anything can be addictive.

When we give it up we are in pain  from withdrawal. Our brains were wired through trauma and so we are literally re-wiring it  to do something else.

When you are recovering from addiction, when do you think it is most likelythat you will have cravings? During times of stress maybe? When you’re lonely? Another trigger?

This is why you think of him. This is why. It’s not ‘missing’ of him in the sense that you miss an abusive and dangerous predator, it’s that you miss the addiction to the cycles he created. When we remove any addiction, we must stay away from any sources or individuals that are likely to trigger a craving that leads to cognitive dissonance, that could lead us to contact. The craving is what causes a relapse. WE WANT A HIT OF OUR DRUG.

The idea is to get enough TIME away from it to heal our brains, and to fill the huge void he left behind.

So what do we do when we are addicted to something and are in recovery or trying to do something different?

If we are committed to our recoveries, we must change whatever it is in our lives that triggers the craving. We must utilize support systems from therapy to support groups, to changing even daily habits developed with the psychopath. We need to change our thinking patterns, be very good to ourselves, kind and compassionate and in  learning skills that will keep you mindful and in the present moment. This means meditation, prayer, recovery focused reading, exercise, whatever will change your life completely away from the psychopath. This is also why no contact is critical to your recovery. If you had an addiction to alcohol, it’s not wise to go to a bar on a Saturday night if you’re serious about your recovery. You may have to remove many people from your life that you partied and drank  with all the time. You will have to make a conscious effort to avoid them and any place that can set off your trigger and cravings. I realize there will be times where this will not be possible, however when put into the perspective of a very serious and dangerous addiction, using the psychopath as symbolic of your drug, if you have to deal with him in custody situations, or run into him somewhere, this will help you to greatly minimize his impact upon you. These are extreme exceptions however and I advocate for total no contact when it comes to a survivor’s recovery.

In the case of the survivor above who was in distress,  all that was needed was someone to talk to when she felt stressed because her ex psychopath filled that ROLE (fake) for her.

Give this some thought. ♥

Onward and upward.

[ForeverDad]

Perhaps also reading about Stockholm Syndrome - emotional bonding - can help you see how easy it is to have our perceptions and feelings influenced.

Love and Stockholm Syndrome:  The Mystery of Loving an Abuser

  by Joseph M. Carver, Ph.D., Clinical Psychologist

www.drjoecarver.com/clients/49355/File/love_and_stockholm_syndrome.html

In clinical practice, some of the most surprised and shocked individuals are those who have been involved in controlling and abusive relationships. When the relationship ends, they offer comments such as "I know what he’s done to me, but I still love him", "I don’t know why, but I want him back", or "I know it sounds crazy, but I miss her". Recently I’ve heard "This doesn’t make sense. He’s got a new girlfriend and he’s abusing her too… but I’m jealous!" Friends and relatives are even more amazed and shocked when they hear these comments or witness their loved one returning to an abusive relationship. While the situation doesn’t make sense from a social standpoint, does it make sense from a psychological viewpoint? The answer is - Yes!

[LimboFL]

More than anything, this whole experience has me turned from a respectful skeptic of mental illness, disorders etc. into a full on believer. Not only because I watched it unravel in front of me, despite being in denial, but because of the dramatic impact this has had on me mentally.

It can sometimes feel like an out of body experience, like we are somehow detached from reality, in a haze, which only serves to offer a little glimpse of what life must be like when one suffers from a full blown illness or disorder.

The saying "just going through the motions" pertains to how often we can just press on in auto pilot, because we need to breathe, we need to eat, we need to get up and get on with life.

All of this is truly messed up.

While, without a doubt, a learning experience these are lessons I honestly didn't needed, not only because they have, to a degree, darkened my view on humanity, made me just a little more cynical.

As the articles say, hopefully, it is simply a matter of rewiring and unlearning.

The silver lining, I guess, is that unlike our exBPD partners this is a relatively easier feat to achieve for us then it is for them.

Sorry, these are purely intellectual observations, not emotional or a result of doom and gloom. I still have moments of joy and I know that they are going to become more frequent with the passage of time, but it's hard not to be bitter.

One thing is for sure, we could all be worse off, so we need to hold onto that. We survived and are working towards a brighter future. We don't have to live with what they do. We should all be grateful for that.

[Clearmind]

Triggers own abandonment fears from childhood

www.goodreads.com/book/show/77805.The_Journey_from_Abandonment_to_Healing

[Survivor25]

Thank you to all! Especially to LimboFL! You want a good laugh? Are you ready? I AM A RECOVERING ADDICT for 24 years! and. . . . it gets better . . . I'm an LMHC in a substance abuse treatment center with a caseload of clients addicted to EVERYTHING!  I have the book Trauma Bonding on my bookshelf in my office. The answer to my question is right in front of my face! I KNOW this stuff. I know it in my head and heart, I have empathy for the lost and suffering. What I don't have, at least haven't had, is empathy for myself! Of course the answer is to abstain COMPLETELY! Of course it is! I wouldn't expect a heroin addict or a crack addict to hang out around there DOC. What do I tell them? One is too many and a thousand never enough! Well, for me, one phone call, one text message is enough to send me over the edge with longing for . . . . my drug (ex-husband).

So, I stay away, no contact for 2 weeks. But we have a 16 year old son and shared custody. Yesterday we had to discuss something pertaining to him. Today, Saturday, my day to rest and chill and get things done. Guess what I did? I laid in bed all day with a heating pad on my stomach. Why? Because that one brief connection with my ex through me in to an emotional spin. And it wasn't even conflictual in any way. His voice is enough to make me long for my old life and want to throw up at the same time.

Joining a gym tomorrow. I've been talking about it for 2 years. This is going to take hard, focused work, isn't it? 25 years of intermittent reinforcement has made this rat CRAZY! Love to you all! Thank God I found this Website 

[sbr1050]

because we remember the good times too. because being alone is hard. because in this cruel world, sometimes being with someone who is there for you even 10 percent of the time feels better than being alone. most of all, because you are human.

YES! YES! YES!  Exactly my feelings!