This is why our relationship "worked" for 8 months

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I was the rock, the giver, the "everything's going to be fine" person. I'd talk her out of her sadness and talk her down from her anger. I was the listener, a great listener, I didn't judge, I was her faithful supporter, her personal therapist. But the roles never flipped when I needed to talk out something, when I had a bad day, or if I was agonizing over an important decision. She would just dictate to me the solution as she saw it and that was that. I didn't know at the time she was literally incapable of empathy so I saw her "unwillingness" to be supportive as selfishness or worse, as a sign that she didn't care about me, that she was with me only because I gave her that support. So out of fear that she'd leave me, I kept giving that support, being the great listener, being her rock, being the most emotionally generous person I could be, answering her texts at all hours of the day and night, taking her phone calls when she knew it caused me major inconveniences. But I did all of that with a smile on my face because I knew that was what she valued in me, my unfailing willingness to always be there for her. I never said no to her. She ate that up, but I was miserable, I felt like I was her drug, the person who sacrificed himself to be her entire support system. She loved it/I wanted out. When my therapist finally told me he suspected BPD, everything snapped into place. I have a sibling with diagnosed BPD; how I missed it in my ex partner for so long just speaks to the insidious nature of the disorder and to our ego's capacity for denial, to see what we want to see, especially during the idealization stage. On the few occasions that I expressed my dissatisfaction with her lack of empathy, her lack of caring, she exploded into a rage. I now know it was a defense mechanism on her part to shield her from any criticism. After only two or three times that I suggested she could be a better listener and show a little more compassion toward me, I learned not to bring it up anymore, not to expect that from our relationship.

If I had rejected my role as the enabler, as the codependent, as the one who gave disproportionately, I believe the relationship would have failed much sooner. This is why I must own the pain I am feeling after the relationship finally ended because I contributed to the dysfunction, I allowed myself to assume that role. Sure, she exploited that part of my nature to give like that, but only I can protect myself from those who might try to exploit me.

[Dunder]

I was the rock, the giver, the "everything's going to be fine" person. I'd talk her out of her sadness and talk her down from her anger. I was the listener, a great listener, I didn't judge, I was her faithful supporter, her personal therapist. But the roles never flipped when I needed to talk out something, when I had a bad day, or if I was agonizing over an important decision. She would just dictate to me the solution as she saw it and that was that. I didn't know at the time she was literally incapable of empathy so I saw her "unwillingness" to be supportive as selfishness or worse, as a sign that she didn't care about me, that she was with me only because I gave her that support. So out of fear that she'd leave me, I kept giving that support, being the great listener, being her rock, being the most emotionally generous person I could be, answering her texts at all hours of the day and night, taking her phone calls when she knew it caused me major inconveniences. But I did all of that with a smile on my face because I knew that was what she valued in me, my unfailing willingness to always be there for her. I never said no to her. She ate that up, but I was miserable, I felt like I was her drug, the person who sacrificed himself to be her entire support system. She loved it/I wanted out. When my therapist finally told me he suspected BPD, everything snapped into place. I have a sibling with diagnosed BPD; how I missed it in my ex partner for so long just speaks to the insidious nature of the disorder and to our ego's capacity for denial, to see what we want to see, especially during the idealization stage. On the few occasions that I expressed my dissatisfaction with her lack of empathy, her lack of caring, she exploded into a rage. I now know it was a defense mechanism on her part to shield her from any criticism. After only two or three times that I suggested she could be a better listener and show a little more compassion toward me, I learned not to bring it up anymore, not to expect that from our relationship.

If I had rejected my role as the enabler, as the codependent, as the one who gave disproportionately, I believe the relationship would have failed much sooner. This is why I must own the pain I am feeling after the relationship finally ended because I contributed to the dysfunction, I allowed myself to assume that role. Sure, she exploited that part of my nature to give like that, but only I can protect myself from those who might try to exploit me.

[Bassoutcast]

It's good to hear that you've recognized this and despite being hurt you're able to analyze the r/s and it's flaws.

I think that despite being the enabler, the listener, the "therapist" - it's a r/s built on thin ice. how healthy is it to watch your every move in "fear" of your SO? isn't a r/s supposed to be about two (or more, I don't judge) people who care for each other? a person who'll make you a stronger,better version of yourself, not an emotional vampire? Just a grain of thought... .

Mine always used to say how she "appreciated" me, never once did she initiate saying "I love you" (and when she did say it it was only after I said it to her). It saddens me to think so many r/s are based on a false perception, but that's the nature of the disorder... .

[Reforming]

Hi Dunder,

Good insight and thanks for sharing it.

It's really helpful to hear how others learn to reframe their relationship. What do you think has helped you understand the part that you played?

Reforming

[4Years5Months]

I considered breaking up with my BPDex DOZENS of times during our five year relationship.  I never did, even as she left me seven times (six recycles), replacing me three times, including currently.

Why didn't I?  I felt that it would destroy her emotionally if I did.  At times, I honestly thought it would drive her to suicide or something almost as drastic if I left her.  I was told I was the only person she felt comfortable around, who understood her, I was the only person who had a piece of her heart.  She told me that last one two weeks ago when she contacted me, even though she has a replacement.

I stayed with her because I felt like she needed me to.  Somewhere in there I became convinced THAT was what love was.  I felt that the roles each of us played in the relationship were to love and support one another.  But I now realize that support shouldn't be as necessary in a healthy relationship.  It shouldn't be the primary requirement, to be leaned upon.  It should be requirement #7 or #8. 

I know she cares about me and loves me, too.  But not in a healthy way.  She loves and cares at the level of a five year old child, not the 25 year old adult her body inhabits. 

[Dunder]

I considered breaking up with my BPDex DOZENS of times during our five year relationship.  I never did, even as she left me seven times (six recycles), replacing me three times, including currently.

Why didn't I?  I felt that it would destroy her emotionally if I did.  At times, I honestly thought it would drive her to suicide or something almost as drastic if I left her.  I was told I was the only person she felt comfortable around, who understood her, I was the only person who had a piece of her heart.  She told me that last one two weeks ago when she contacted me, even though she has a replacement.

I stayed with her because I felt like she needed me to.  Somewhere in there I became convinced THAT was what love was.  I felt that the roles each of us played in the relationship were to love and support one another.  But I now realize that support shouldn't be as necessary in a healthy relationship.  It shouldn't be the primary requirement, to be leaned upon.  It should be requirement #7 or #8. 

I know she cares about me and loves me, too.  But not in a healthy way.  She loves and cares at the level of a five year old child, not the 25 year old adult her body inhabits. 

Hi 4 Years, Your relationship was much longer and more complex than mine, but like you, I felt incredibly responsible for her emotional well being. What stopped me from ending the relationship before were her frantic pleas to not leave her, that she needed me desperately. When I finally worked up the courage to leave her with the help of my therapist and a couple of close friends, I felt enormously guilty in the aftermath. It felt like I was abandoning a person, which goes completely against my nature as someone who feels whole when taking care of another. I didn't understand the dynamic when it was happening, I just knew that the relationship was hurting me terribly. The guilt was so debilitating for over a week, but then I started to pull out of it when I began analyzing where this guilt was coming from with my T. They are like children emotionally, because as upset as she was in my leaving, I suspect that like a child she's gotten over the break up quicker than I. I often think of how quickly children cry when they're left at daycare as they watch their parent leave and then snap out of it 2 minutes after they're gone.

[Dunder]

What do you think has helped you understand the part that you played?

Reforming

Hi Reforming, To answer your question, I think what helped me understand my role in creating this dysfunctional relationship was asking myself what is it about Non-BPD people that attracts pwBPD. PwBPD seem to select their partners based on a keen sense of who their potential partners are. It doesn't seem random. There's something that certain Non-BPD people have that pwBPD pick up on and then gravitate to. In my case, I think my ex-partner knew intuitively that I would nurture her, that I would indulge her obsessions, and that I would take an active interest in her problems. Conversely, I remember when we were just friends and she got fixed up with a guy on a date, she very quickly dismissed him as all wrong for him, but she couldn't explain why. He was successful, good-looking, single and her age. This is just speculation, but my guess is that he probably didn't strike her as someone who would be the kind of "caretaker" she knows she needs.  Just a guess, but I think there's something to the idea that Borderlines know well the personality type that will indulge their disorder. 

[Reforming]

What do you think has helped you understand the part that you played?

Reforming

Hi Reforming, To answer your question, I think what helped me understand my role in creating this dysfunctional relationship was asking myself what is it about Non-BPD people that attracts pwBPD. PwBPD seem to select their partners based on a keen sense of who their potential partners are. It doesn't seem random. There's something that certain Non-BPD people have that pwBPD pick up on and then gravitate to. In my case, I think my ex-partner knew intuitively that I would nurture her, that I would indulge her obsessions, and that I would take an active interest in her problems. Conversely, I remember when we were just friends and she got fixed up with a guy on a date, she very quickly dismissed him as all wrong for him, but she couldn't explain why. He was successful, good-looking, single and her age. This is just speculation, but my guess is that he probably didn't strike her as someone who would be the kind of "caretaker" she knows she needs.  Just a guess, but I think there's something to the idea that Borderlines know well the personality type that will indulge their disorder.  

Thanks Dunder

Interesting insight and I think there's a lot of truth in it. Why do you think you were attracted to her?

[zundertowz]

 To be honest I think my relationship lasted 3 years because of sex. As soon as her behavior started to remind me of my mother there was less sex and she became a turnoff, her behavior spiraled out of control. Without sex and pot I think my ex might need to be institutionalized.

[StarOfTheSea]

What do you think has helped you understand the part that you played?

Reforming

Hi Reforming, To answer your question, I think what helped me understand my role in creating this dysfunctional relationship was asking myself what is it about Non-BPD people that attracts pwBPD. PwBPD seem to select their partners based on a keen sense of who their potential partners are. It doesn't seem random. There's something that certain Non-BPD people have that pwBPD pick up on and then gravitate to. In my case, I think my ex-partner knew intuitively that I would nurture her, that I would indulge her obsessions, and that I would take an active interest in her problems. Conversely, I remember when we were just friends and she got fixed up with a guy on a date, she very quickly dismissed him as all wrong for him, but she couldn't explain why. He was successful, good-looking, single and her age. This is just speculation, but my guess is that he probably didn't strike her as someone who would be the kind of "caretaker" she knows she needs.  Just a guess, but I think there's something to the idea that Borderlines know well the personality type that will indulge their disorder. 

Dunder, what you wrote here really struck a chord with me. I think BPD's have a sixth sense as far as sensing the qualities they need from a non. For instance, and this really sticks out in my memory now, on our first date my exBPDbf made comments about my nurturing qualities numerous times. Like enough that now that I think back on it, it seems strange. It seemed like he praised the qualities in me that he most lacked.

[Gonzalo]

When I finally worked up the courage to leave her with the help of my therapist and a couple of close friends, I felt enormously guilty in the aftermath. It felt like I was abandoning a person, which goes completely against my nature as someone who feels whole when taking care of another. I didn't understand the dynamic when it was happening, I just knew that the relationship was hurting me terribly. The guilt was so debilitating for over a week

This is almost exactly how I'd summarize my feelings at the end of my relationship, I felt so bad about hurting her and did a lot to make sure friends were around to support her, often at my own expense. I think one big benefit of the relationship is that it seared away my 'rescuer' instincts, I know now in the 'hot stove' way just how impossible it is to help someone who can't/won't help themselves and how much it can hurt me.

[Dunder]

When I finally worked up the courage to leave her with the help of my therapist and a couple of close friends, I felt enormously guilty in the aftermath. It felt like I was abandoning a person, which goes completely against my nature as someone who feels whole when taking care of another. I didn't understand the dynamic when it was happening, I just knew that the relationship was hurting me terribly. The guilt was so debilitating for over a week

This is almost exactly how I'd summarize my feelings at the end of my relationship, I felt so bad about hurting her and did a lot to make sure friends were around to support her, often at my own expense. I think one big benefit of the relationship is that it seared away my 'rescuer' instincts, I know now in the 'hot stove' way just how impossible it is to help someone who can't/won't help themselves and how much it can hurt me.

And after 28 days she breaks NC with an email pleading with me to sooth her so like an idiot I answer her because it kills me to know she's suffering and now I feel like crap and she's must feel better because she cried out and I came running.  Will I ever learn?

[Irish Pride]

When I finally worked up the courage to leave her with the help of my therapist and a couple of close friends, I felt enormously guilty in the aftermath. It felt like I was abandoning a person, which goes completely against my nature as someone who feels whole when taking care of another. I didn't understand the dynamic when it was happening, I just knew that the relationship was hurting me terribly. The guilt was so debilitating for over a week

This is almost exactly how I'd summarize my feelings at the end of my relationship, I felt so bad about hurting her and did a lot to make sure friends were around to support her, often at my own expense. I think one big benefit of the relationship is that it seared away my 'rescuer' instincts, I know now in the 'hot stove' way just how impossible it is to help someone who can't/won't help themselves and how much it can hurt me.

Excellently put by both of you. Chalk me up as another who felt the exact same way. Only after I've done EVERYTHING I know how did the guilt finally start to abade. I hope, someday, it's gone for good.

[sbr1050]

What do you think has helped you understand the part that you played?

Reforming

think what helped me understand my role in creating this dysfunctional relationship was asking myself what is it about Non-BPD people that attracts pwBPD.

I believe my uBPDexbf needs to be the "rescuer".  I was young when I met him (I was 26, he was 43).  At the time, I thought I was just mutual interests that brought us together.  I realize now, 18 years later, that was not the case.  It is his pattern.

The 23 year old (The Skank) (yes, skank!) he is with now, I believe, fulfills this "rescuer" need.  About a year ago, she came into the picture.  She was a lifeguard at the YMCA we went to swim at every morning.  He befriended her and claimed he wanted to fix her up with his nephew.  This was completely out of his character but I had no reason to doubt him or what he was saying to me.  For some reason, she and the nephew took a long time to finally actually go out.  In the meantime, he was shoeing her horse (he is a farrier).  Still, I didn't think anything much about it... .I trusted him.  He talked about her very creepy father when he was there working on the horse.  He'd come out, shirtless or shirt buttoned down to his navel, in short-shorts.  The guy was a Bible Thumper (no offense meant).  Had bleached out hair. He said there was something VERY creepy about the guy.  I had seen the father with The Skank in a store, and there was such a creepy vibe from them.  They didn't know who I was but I watched them and they honestly were acting like two awkward 12 year old, grabbing each other, touching each other, shoving each other.  Something very off about the whole thing - inappropriate, I almost want to say. I mentioned that to my ex and he said he would never say it to anyone else but he felt that way about their interactions too.  I am not one that would ever say anything inappropriate was going on sexually between this girl and her father, but it did cross my mind, as well as my ex's.

Now, I think about all of that.  The Skank, I am convinced, pursued my ex.  And he probably did not fight it or say, to himself, "The is a 23 year old GIRL.  She's cute but it would be inappropriate".  She was texting him way before he left me.  I once point blank asked him, what the hell does she want with you?  He mumbled something about, she was texting him how she has trouble trusting in relationships, blah, blah.  I even told him, how that is very inappropriate on her part to be texting a 60-some year old man that could be her grandfather.  He just laughed. There were other incidents that I look back on and cringe and wonder why I didn't catch on that he actually wanted her.  He mentioned she had invited him to a bon fire get together at her (dads) house.  I jokingly said to him, do you seriously want to go hang out with teenagers?  He mumbled something like no.  But now I realize that probably was NOT how he was feeling.  I just brushed this all off and assumed it had to do with him fixing her up with his nephew.  Now, I feel physically ill when I think what he was doing right under my nose with her.

So, I believe, he was attracted to her because of her real or imagined dysfunction or abuse.  It was a turn on to him.  Someone to either rescue or THINK he is rescuing.  I truly believe he thinks her father possibly abused her in some form and now he has stepped in to help her and be her rescuer.

At one point he tried to make me a victim of some sort of abuse.  In minutes he created this drama in his head that I had been abused by my parents (he claimed that must be what it was because I was so hard to love and difficult).  He left my place, drove 20 minutes to my parents house and spent the next 45 minutes pounding on their doors and windows, screaming for them to let him in so he could confront them.  They were terrified and sat in the house, ready to call the sheriff if needed.  It was beyond crazy!

Gosh, just typing this makes me relive all the anxiety he put me and my family thru... .