Shopping w/ Mom... must be my penance

[ViaCrusis1689]

Not that I believe in doing penance, though faith is a huge aspect of my life, but if God wants to give me some penance to do, it must be in the form of going shopping with my uBPDm. Oh my goodness... .surprised I didn't have a freakin' meltdown today. Of course she wants my opinion on everything and then gets mad when I tell her the truth, i.e. what she doesn't want to hear. I only went because my sister had to get clothes for her summer internship, which is a big deal, the closest good shopping is 2 hours away, and my dad encouraged me to get out of the house. I am basically home-bound, and besides a short walk my dad took me on, it's the first time I was out of the house in 9 days. So yes, it was good for me to get out, but totally aggravating at the same time.

It really got to me when she asked me if I liked *her* pajamas she was getting, and I kind of hummed an "I don't know" and she sarcastically mimicked me. Geez, Mom, what do I care about your night clothes, for goodness' sake?

But I am making a small improvement, I am getting a little better at not letting the messiness of the house and her semi-hoarding behaviors get to me as much, likely because I have began limiting my time spent in the rooms that are messy and make me anxious. Plus, my sister moved all her college stuff home for the summer, so the house is just going to naturally be in chaos, in a sense. However, the downside is not wanting to purchase anything new for myself as I can't stand the thought of having to deal with more stuff, even my own... .I sometimes think I'm the crazy one.

And my lovely day ended with me overflowing a toilet, which of course I couldn't resolve on my own, and everyone's in a worse mood... .isn't that how it goes?

Thanks for listening!

[Kwamina]

Hi ViaCrusis1689

How have you been? I also remember from your previous posts that you were finding it hard dealing with your mother's hoarding and messiness.

I am basically home-bound, and besides a short walk my dad took me on, it's the first time I was out of the house in 9 days. So yes, it was good for me to get out, but totally aggravating at the same time.

Does you being home-bound have to do with your physical disability? I can imagine how difficult it must be for you being bound to a house in which your mother does a lot of hoarding.

It really got to me when she asked me if I liked *her* pajamas she was getting, and I kind of hummed an "I don't know" and she sarcastically mimicked me. Geez, Mom, what do I care about your night clothes, for goodness' sake?

When you look back at this, what is it that got to you so? Is it that she asked for your opinion when you feel like she doesn't really seem to care about what you think? Or was it the fact that she asked you about her night clothes? Or the sarcastic mimicking perhaps?

But I am making a small improvement, I am getting a little better at not letting the messiness of the house and her semi-hoarding behaviors get to me as much, likely because I have began limiting my time spent in the rooms that are messy and make me anxious.

I am glad you feel like you're making some progress. It isn't easy living in such conditions, but since you're there for now the best you can do is try to cope with it as best you can.

In your first post on here you mentioned your parents saying they're going to move and that you were hoping to get out when that happens. Are there any new developments on this front?

[ViaCrusis1689]

Hi ViaCrusis1689

How have you been? I also remember from your previous posts that you were finding it hard dealing with your mother's hoarding and messiness.

Hi Kwamina

Thank you so much for the reply! Yes, I am still trying to come to let go of the fact that she will always be a hoarder and messy. Like I said, limiting my time in the areas that cause me anxiety has helped and the fact that I can spend more time on our enclosed front porch does help a lot.

Does you being home-bound have to do with your physical disability? I can imagine how difficult it must be for you being bound to a house in which your mother does a lot of hoarding.

Yes, being home-bound is due to my physical disability. I had a complication at birth that resulted in brain damage. I can walk, but I am very shaky, and I tend to randomly fall. Like when we were shopping, I suddenly ended up on the floor in a thrift shop we were in. I just lost my balance. I also can't drive or cook, which are the two major obstacles with trying to find an appropriate living situation, and where we live, there's very limited services.

I have a college degree but working outside of the home would be impossible and telecommuting is difficult because most requires phone work and I also have a significant speech impediment.

When you look back at this, what is it that got to you so? Is it that she asked for your opinion when you feel like she doesn't really seem to care about what you think? Or was it the fact that she asked you about her night clothes? Or the sarcastic mimicking perhaps?

I think it is a combination of things. I am tired of her being codependent on me for her decision-making for the littlest things. I am just trying to stop her from doing this. It was an entire day of this and she wanted my opinion but then became mad when I didn't give her the answers she wanted. Plus I was tired and sore from walking all day... .another issue I have with my condition.

In your first post on here you mentioned your parents saying they're going to move and that you were hoping to get out when that happens. Are there any new developments on this front?

I think it will be at least a year and a half before they really begin looking into moving as that's when my youngest sister will be done with college, and she's currently only 2 hours away so she can currently come home easily whenever she wants. But knowing my dad, he'll take forever to decide where to move; he never does anything in a "normal" time frame. Though I have been giving him honest input on where I think would be best for me, given my unique needs.

[Turkish]

I dnt like shopping with my mom either. Her increasing dementia makes it worse. S-l-o-w... .My mom's a severe hoarder, and that can be triggering, as it's something we can't fix. It's good that you have a clean space to which to retreat.

It's not good that you're having to care take her when she should, if not taking care of you, at the very least being mindful of your needs. During my mom's most dysregulated, dysfunctional years, she almost put me into a coma when I was 13. She was well aware of my disability (heat intolerance). It was the closest I have ever felt to dying, because I was, my body shutting down due to heat stroke. I knew what I needed to do to take care of myself, and she'd done a good job up until that point, but she wouldn't listen then.

Your mom sounds like she never listens. How do you think you might assert boundaries to protect yourself? It sounds like after all this time that she's still in some kind of denial,.being so focused on others care taking her emotionally... .

[ViaCrusis1689]

I dnt like shopping with my mom either. Her increasing dementia makes it worse. S-l-o-w... .My mom's a severe hoarder, and that can be triggering, as it's something we can't fix. It's good that you have a clean space to which to retreat.

It's not good that you're having to care take her when she should, if not taking care of you, at the very least being mindful of your needs. During my mom's most dysregulated, dysfunctional years, she almost put me into a coma when I was 13. She was well aware of my disability (heat intolerance). It was the closest I have ever felt to dying, because I was, my body shutting down due to heat stroke. I knew what I needed to do to take care of myself, and she'd done a good job up until that point, but she wouldn't listen then.

Your mom sounds like she never listens. How do you think you might assert boundaries to protect yourself? It sounds like after all this time that she's still in some kind of denial,.being so focused on others care taking her emotionally... .

Yes, it is difficult that she relies on me emotionally for *everything*. I am not sure how to maintain boundaries as she just does not listen and gets upset when I try to stop her from dumping on me. Like today, I said there were already-listened-to messages on the answering machine and she accidentally deleted one, and then she blamed me for not telling her what it was about. Umm, that's why I told her to listen to them as I did not want to try to relay the messages. The craziness continues... .

She has taken care of me physically after two surgeries but because she had to and had my dad as a witness so I'm sure she restrained herself from taking her frustration out on me.

I think it all stems from her mom, who had her mother-in-law take care of the household for 18 years after her mom married her dad, so my mom doesn't seem to know how to manage much of anything, unless it is something she truly wants. Only then will she make it happen.

I know it is the PD, but I cannot see how she can stand the dysfunction of the house or the craziness she inflicts mainly on my dad, and thus myself.