How do you deal with all the stuff you'd like to say good and bad?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

So the last two weeks I lived in the apartment with ex gf while we were broken up we went through a lot of talking about "remember when" moments. She told me she was thankful I said all those things to her, but at the time she said she couldn't tell me about the things that made her happy. She said maybe in the future she would.

Tonight I'm feeling so full of things I'd like to say good and bad about the two years we were together. Things I'd like to thank her for. I will not email her these things at all because it wouldn't matter to her anymore. I realize the experiences and memories mean more to me.

I thought about typing them up and posting them here. Anyone have any thoughts?

[confusedinWI]

So the last two weeks I lived in the apartment with ex gf while we were broken up we went through a lot of talking about "remember when" moments. She told me she was thankful I said all those things to her, but at the time she said she couldn't tell me about the things that made her happy. She said maybe in the future she would.

Tonight I'm feeling so full of things I'd like to say good and bad about the two years we were together. Things I'd like to thank her for. I will not email her these things at all because it wouldn't matter to her anymore. I realize the experiences and memories mean more to me.

I thought about typing them up and posting them here. Anyone have any thoughts?

[DyingLove]

So the last two weeks I lived in the apartment with ex gf while we were broken up we went through a lot of talking about "remember when" moments. She told me she was thankful I said all those things to her, but at the time she said she couldn't tell me about the things that made her happy. She said maybe in the future she would.

Tonight I'm feeling so full of things I'd like to say good and bad about the two years we were together. Things I'd like to thank her for. I will not email her these things at all because it wouldn't matter to her anymore. I realize the experiences and memories mean more to me.

I thought about typing them up and posting them here. Anyone have any thoughts?

A friend recommended that when I wanted to communicate or send a letter or message, to type it up and burn it.  I've yet to do that, but I'm gonna burn something just to see if it helps.  I told my son I need to borrow Bob (karate training dummy) so that I can punch the heck out of it.  I need to get out some serious emotions.  This may help.

If you post letters here, I guess as long as they remain anonymous and don't include any objectionable material as deemed by the administrators... .probably be ok.  I'll read 'em.  I was with my ex under the same roof for about 2 months post B/U, it was hell!

[dagwoodbowser]

Tonight I'm feeling so full of things I'd like to say good and bad about the two years we were together.

Let's say you did tell her how you felt. What is it that you think the end result or purpose will be? Will it be to help her feel better or yourself? Do you think she's going to see you in a different light and change her?

I actually ask myself these questions every time I start to write a sappy email that I want to send or reaching for a reason to make contact. Usually helps me express my feelings, but at end of day it wont change anything but trigger her and yourself as you keep hitting the ball across the net.

[confusedinWI]

Tonight I'm feeling so full of things I'd like to say good and bad about the two years we were together.

Let's say you did tell her how you felt. What is it that you think the end result or purpose will be? Will it be to help her feel better or yourself? Do you think she's going to see you in a different light and change her?

I actually ask myself these questions every time I start to write a sappy email that I want to send or reaching for a reason to make contact. Usually helps me express my feelings, but at end of day it wont change anything but trigger her and yourself as you keep hitting the ball across the net.

That's the thing now that I even know more about her than I did then, I know that what I would say would not matter to her. Maybe if she wasn't with a new man right now, but even if she was single I don't think it would matter at all to her other than validate her ego. Honestly it's not about her seeing me in a different light, changing her would have to start from within. I used to think that she appreciated when I told her those things, I'm not sure if she does or not. Doesn't matter. I just kind of want to get it out of my system.

[Turkish]

I have "conversations" of stuff I'd like to say to her. Maybe it's crazy, but it helps. The problem is the angry conversations. I actually stepped back and said to myself recently, "is this really worth the mental effort? It's also just feeding my anger" and stopped. It's taken over a year.  

And no, I'm not certifiable; my T said so  

[DyingLove]

Dagwood is absolutely correct!  Usually nothing will change, except we get more hurt! I've never really sent her anything via contact, but it makes sense that It comes back on us.

[runningup]

I did just this at one point when I was feeling low, felt I had a lot I wanted to say so I sent two rather lenghly emails, pouring my heart and soul out, and what happened, she didnt even read them and just deleted the emails, so how did that make me feel, even more rejected, that she wouldnt even take the time in her busy new relationship that she cheated on me with to read something I felt. It was something I felt, so there was nothing to be gained by her, and nothing for her in it, it comes down to the selfishness of the BPDX, so I suggest don't waste your time and effort, these people are not worth the concern, they will just keep hurting you if you let them. Easier said than done.

[confusedinWI]

I wonder if and when this relationship goes south if she will try to reach out. With the way she ended things by saying something about my kids mom to them, I don't know. I know she felt legitimate shame about that.

I think also as I sit her and type this part of this is my ego is really hurt. I see that there were more great moments prior to us moving in together than after we lived together, but we had great moments too when we lived together.

it's hard to reconcile in my normal mind how those little moments like watching the first snowfall at our apartment, she literally woke me up so we could watch it together, to getting mail together for the first time, how those memories seemed so important at the time, but now if I brought it up she would probably have the deer in the headlight stare.

Maybe I'm cursed with too good of a memory right now?

[runningup]

Im interested in everyones thoughts, but my BPDX even when in the relationship, could not remember the joyful past as well as me, that she had a distant perception of time and her surroundings. I mean she would go on and say we did something or I said something "all the time" but could not quantify it, it was a case that there wasnt a good grasp on reality.

So that being said, if mine was to think back to the good times, I am sure she would not be able to, and if what I have said above holds true to other BPD people, perhaps theres your answer?

[confusedinWI]

Maybe it hurts me too much to accept the fact that the relationship meant more to me than it did her. Those moments where I thought we were bonding for life, making memories that would stand the test of time.

I will throw a wrench into this thought. We used to love playing the card game Rummy 500. Well for our one year anniversary (my ex was so creative, I really miss that) she took the first deck of 52 cards that we played with, had them laminated with different things that she loved about the first year of the relationship. One on card she had the sheet of paper that she wrote on the date she met my kids for the first time. One some others she wrote things she loved about us, my point is I know this project took awhile to do. She invested a lot of time to it. There were probably ten or fifteen cards used that related back to a specific memory or date involved in that memory.

it was the hardest memento to throw away, sometimes I still regret doing it but it was so hard to keep. I read it one last time and cried so hard. Sometimes I wonder if my ex was full fledged BPD but then I think how the mask came off when we started to live together.

I don't know how to deal with all the memory flashbacks right now. I'm close to three months out from when we broke up, two months out from when I moved out of the apartment.

I'm honestly upset and jealous that she's found someone new to focus on. To make these pretend memories while I feel I'll be on the sidelines forever. Also she is five years younger than me so it seems unfair to me that she took these two great years from me, and she gets to come out of this still being young while I'm two years away from being 40.

Some nights I have dreams that I can fix her, make it alright again. But that fantasy hurts more than anything.

[runningup]

and she gets to come out of this still being young while I'm two years away from being 40.

I am 41 this year, BPDX was 27, size 6, blah blah blah... .yeah it hurts like hell mate! Im not going to lie, its been going on 9 weeks now for me and its hurting a little less, but when I let myself think about how special she was to me, how much I loved her, I keep coming back to the fact that she CUT out relationship and painted me BLACK all within 24hrs of being so happy. That is NOT NORMAL!

[confusedinWI]

and she gets to come out of this still being young while I'm two years away from being 40.

I am 41 this year, BPDX was 27, size 6, blah blah blah... .yeah it hurts like hell mate! Im not going to lie, its been going on 9 weeks now for me and its hurting a little less, but when I let myself think about how special she was to me, how much I loved her, I keep coming back to the fact that she CUT out relationship and painted me BLACK all within 24hrs of being so happy. That is NOT NORMAL!

You are right my man it's not normal. Heck one week after we broke up, I was still living there... .moving things up to my parents house. She and I talked on the phone. She mentioned how the first guy she texted two days after we broke up was a rebound (didn't ask what kind), I told her that hurt me that she could move on so quick. She said it hurt that it seemed so easy to move out (hardest thing ever). After we get off the phone she texts me "you are my forever love, always will be". The next week, the night before I move out for good she is half drunk when I get home from hanging with my kids. She is texting her now man on the futon in plain site of me. No attempts to hide it. The next morning I barely get a hug from her before she leaves, knowing it will be in all likelihood the last time she sees me.

Sad thing is with me, if she hadn't messed it all up, she had the future. I wanted to be there for her. Now I'm fearful as to what my life will be. I have my two children and I'm blessed. But I have so much love to give in a romantic way, I don't want to just be on the sidelines waiting until my kids are in college to then move on. UGH.

She was supposed to be my last first kiss. I loved when she would say that. She would say "I want to be your last first date."

I wonder if Karma ever catches up to them. Like the people they date, do they ever just dump them once they get what they want or do our exes look for people with no esteem?

[runningup]

My X seems to pick older guys, the one she cheated on me with is 47, so 20 yrs her senior, my P says its something to do with wanting to be cared for like a father figure. I think she chose this guy because he isnt overly bright, into drugs, easy to manipulate and will consider himself so lucky to have a hot little young piece of arse will put up with her BPD crap.

I gave her everything too, a rof over her and her young sons head, food on table, bills all paid, vehicle to drive, even got her a job working where I was working (where she cheated on me) all for nothing.

She told me all the same things yours did mate, that she wanted to have kids, grow old with me, to quote a letter she wrote me in January this year... .

I am ready to let you have my heart completely and I am ready to make changes to make this a lasting relationship. I hope that we can get married and have a baby together and live a very happy life together watching our kids grow up. I want to grow old with you and I can’t imagine my life without you. I’m going to stop looking to the past and let go of all of my pain. SO we can have the best possible life.

You are my one!

Now I look at it with sadness that all it was was words that she thought she was sposto say, all empty, all without feeling, but all something was was a mirror of me, not something personal from her.