I feel ugly

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Even though my ex never devalued my looks my physical appearance or my confidence I feel ugly. Even after we broke up she told me how amazing I was how she thinks I'm the most attractive man. I see her replacement and that should make me feel good because he is a physical downgrade from me but yet I don't feel better.

I'm ten pounds lighter now than I was with her. She isn't a waif she is a curvy woman with maybe just a few extra pounds.

I miss her hugging me from behind and leaning into me, the way she would rest her head on my chest at night. The way she would spoon me and hold me. I miss her saying how safe she felt in my arms.

I miss talking to her in the bathroom while she was in the shower and I was getting ready and then watching her step out of the shower and still catching my breath after two years at seeing her naked.

I miss how when I wore a pair of jeans she liked she would grab my butt or squeeze my arm and tell me to flex.

I miss hearing her lightly snore as I came into the bedroom to go to sleep.

I miss how both of us would be out of breath after making love, and the little smirk on her face.

I miss texting her throughout the day, calling her on my way home or the anticipation of seeing her when I opened the door.

I know for every one of these wishes their are equal parts I don't miss.

What really hurts is the night before I moved out coming home after spending time with my kids to see her half drunk texting in plain site my replacement.

I must've walked two hours outside that night in the freezing cold just to not be around her.

What kills me is how easily forgotten I was/am to her. How quickly she moved on, how I could tell her all these things and it wouldn't matter. How awesome she thinks replacement guy is. How she probably thinks I'm the worse man ever now.

I don't miss the night we broke up and her threatening suicide because she was losing me and the kids. Her begging me to meet her at the apartment and I didnt. I regret not being there for her but I was scared for me.

Why do I feel ugly over someone like this! Why do I feel ill never have those special hugs and kisses again. Why does it kill me that she's probably already given herself to him on the second date like she did with me.

Part of me hopes I never see her again another hopes sometime I do. Maybe I woukd see a glimpse of pain in her eyes at what she lost.

I hurt and feel unloveable while she is so happy as if I never mattered even though she still has picture of me and her on Facebook and picture of her and my daughter, and she wears the special necklace I gave her, it was in one of her pictures with new man

Will I ever be loved again

[confusedinWI]

Even though my ex never devalued my looks my physical appearance or my confidence I feel ugly. Even after we broke up she told me how amazing I was how she thinks I'm the most attractive man. I see her replacement and that should make me feel good because he is a physical downgrade from me but yet I don't feel better.

I'm ten pounds lighter now than I was with her. She isn't a waif she is a curvy woman with maybe just a few extra pounds.

I miss her hugging me from behind and leaning into me, the way she would rest her head on my chest at night. The way she would spoon me and hold me. I miss her saying how safe she felt in my arms.

I miss talking to her in the bathroom while she was in the shower and I was getting ready and then watching her step out of the shower and still catching my breath after two years at seeing her naked.

I miss how when I wore a pair of jeans she liked she would grab my butt or squeeze my arm and tell me to flex.

I miss hearing her lightly snore as I came into the bedroom to go to sleep.

I miss how both of us would be out of breath after making love, and the little smirk on her face.

I miss texting her throughout the day, calling her on my way home or the anticipation of seeing her when I opened the door.

I know for every one of these wishes their are equal parts I don't miss.

What really hurts is the night before I moved out coming home after spending time with my kids to see her half drunk texting in plain site my replacement.

I must've walked two hours outside that night in the freezing cold just to not be around her.

What kills me is how easily forgotten I was/am to her. How quickly she moved on, how I could tell her all these things and it wouldn't matter. How awesome she thinks replacement guy is. How she probably thinks I'm the worse man ever now.

I don't miss the night we broke up and her threatening suicide because she was losing me and the kids. Her begging me to meet her at the apartment and I didnt. I regret not being there for her but I was scared for me.

Why do I feel ugly over someone like this! Why do I feel ill never have those special hugs and kisses again. Why does it kill me that she's probably already given herself to him on the second date like she did with me.

Part of me hopes I never see her again another hopes sometime I do. Maybe I woukd see a glimpse of pain in her eyes at what she lost.

I hurt and feel unloveable while she is so happy as if I never mattered even though she still has picture of me and her on Facebook and picture of her and my daughter, and she wears the special necklace I gave her, it was in one of her pictures with new man

Will I ever be loved again

[FannyB]

Will I ever be loved again

The statistical likelihood is that you will be loved again man - but it won't be the BPD version of love. It will probably last a damn sight longer, but may not hit the heights you experienced with your ex. That's the downside of substituting reality for fantasy. 

[confusedinWI]

Funny thats where I feel messed up. I have to realize that the heights with my ex was in reality noy normal. I have to stop looking for that again. I have this fear that my ex will now all of a sudden be normal that my love made her a better person and new guy will noe get to experience all the great stuff without the lows

[FannyB]

He might last longer than you - he might only last a couple of months, but if she really is an untreated pwBPD the cycle will repeat. It was imprinted into her psyche during her formative years and there is no magic 'override' button! 

[Achaya]

I really feel your pain with you Confused. I am there also. My ex and I had physical intimacy the likes of which I didn't even know was possible. Our sexual relationship kept growing and and getting more intense, more close, up to the last week. Probably because we talked about it a lot, what worked for us, what didn't, (which we didn't do in the rest of our relationship) and my ex was very confident, very solid in her sexual self (unlike the rest of the time). I suspect that when a couple has a physical/emotional connection that works that well, the passionate highs might last a lot longer in that kind of relationship, even though the "in love" butterflies change to something less frantic and more stable.

The fact that my ex was so obviously attracted to me, turned on by me, and satisfied by me did a lot for my self-esteem. (I don't mean to imply here that it was "just physical" as the physical intimacy was exactly that, intensely intimate and loving). I feel like a loser now too, like you do, but her attraction to me was real---there are parts of that that nobody can fake. I can't handle thinking right now about all that I miss, though, because it gets me back on the loop of longing and hurting. I hope to reach the time someday when I can keep everything she gave me that was real, and make it a part of how I think about myself. Like, and extremely attractive, impressive person felt the same way about me---maybe she saw something in me I can't see right now.

The fact that your ex dived into another relationship immediately is something I would try not to dwell on, although that is easier said than done. I expect my ex to do the same soon, as she cannot tolerate being alone, especially when she is distressed about something. As far as I know, she is trying to block out her grief by working all the time. I am thankful that she is functional enough to attempt that, rather than leapfrogging into a new romance right away. The last time she dumped somebody she had me waiting in the wings, so I don't deserve to ask for better this time, but I think she has grown some during our time together.

These women don't have the confidence to stand on their own 2 feet, Confused. They use relationships to deal with every form of discomfort they feel. They also use relationships as distractions to block out their feelings of loss, both the loss of the previous partner, the losses of their earlier lives, and the emptiness inside where their selves should be. They aren't normal people, and their tendency to leapfrog into new relationships doesn't mean the same thing it means to normal people (i.e., that they didn't really care about the previous partner). They don't face their grief. I sometimes think I am doing the grieving for us both. 

[eeks]

What kills me is how easily forgotten I was/am to her. How quickly she moved on, how I could tell her all these things and it wouldn't matter. How awesome she thinks replacement guy is. How she probably thinks I'm the worse man ever now.

If you keep reading around this site, you will hear people talk about idealization and devaluation (aka "painted white/painted black" and splitting.  These are psychological defenses that are part of the BPD disorder.  There are key reasons in the pwBPD's dysfunction (typically relating to them being neglected or abused as a child, although I understand some people have the disorder without that having happened) why they do this in their relationships, that have very little to do with you, and certainly don't have anything to do with how you look.

In short, it looks as though the pwBPD moves on faster than their partner does... .but that's not really true.  Those defenses they have prevent them from feeling unbearable emotions.  This video helped me understand.  www.dianepooleheller.com/2015/01/video-4/

To answer the question on your other thread, my hunch is that pwBPD care less about their partner's physical appearance than they do that the partner be suitable for the specific role in the script in their head.  

People here have mentioned the Karpman Drama Triangle.  I don't think it captures all of the dynamics (of course, people are complex) but it's worth a look.