sad how my ex is intent on destroying my relationship with my kids

[truthbeknown]

As i write this, today is my son's 21st birthday.  Typically a cause for great celebration.

However, because of the fallout of divorcing a woman with a personality disorder, today i have no communication with my son.   I see him from time-time when he comes back from college to visit his mother but things are very superficial.  What's hard with this disease is the brain-washing done to children to hurt the target.  I'm sad that my kids are being taught both subconsciously and consciously that their dad (me) is the enemy.

I haven't been able to receive a response from my son since January.  I think he broke up with his gf in college and i'm not sure what the dynamics are in that relationship.  They seemed like a great couple on the outside but they both had issues with parents.  His girlfriend never knew her dad and her mom is a drug addict and possible narcissist from the descriptions i've heard from my son the few times we did talk awhile ago.

I would hope that he would see how painful it was that she didn't have a father and want to stay in contact with me.  However, it just seems like the disrespect and judgement of me is getting stronger.  I know that college kids are more independent and don't always want to reach out to their parents.  However, he makes it a point to communicate with his mom and it doesn't hurt that she's an expert at wearing the victim mask and stroking his ego to think that he's rescuing or protecting her by standing up to me (which means ignoring me).

I write this more from a perspective of sadness rather then trying to get any particular advise.  I'm not sure that there is any one strategy that works to deal with these kinds of situations.  I keep myself busy and i'm just trying to believe that if it's meant to be the kids will find their balance and when they get older try to forgive.  However, apaths always tend to support the person who has a personality disorder because they don't know any other way.  An example of this was in the recent movie, INSURGENT.  The main characters brother would not do anything to protect his sister and even aided the psychopathic woman who was trying to hurt his sister.  I'm hoping one of my kids turns out to be Divergent. I have four so maybe there is a chance that one will see through the fog?

Happy 21st birthday to my son.  I love him and hope the best for him!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

Hello truthbeknown,

I'm so sorry that you were not able to visit with your son on his 21st birthday.  That must be so hurtful.

Do you think that your son also struggles with traits of the disorder or maybe codependency w/your ex?  Parental alienation is somewhat common when divorcing a pwBPD.  Have you looked over any of the Tools or Lessons on the Co Parenting Board?  There are numerous members on Co Parenting that struggle with the aftermath of parentification and alienation of their children.

lbjnltx

[truthbeknown]

yes, i check in from time to time and do my best.  it is just so hard dealing with mental illness.  A few nights ago i watched the movie "unbroken" and it is amazing how destructive psychopathic people are.   Even when you do everything they want you to do they still hurt you.  Sometimes i just need to know someone else cares or can relate. 

[letmeout]

I can relate all too well, truthbeknown. When I finally divorced my BPD spouse, he was hell bent on destroying me. He made up the most outlandish lies and repeated them constantly to our adult children and everyone else who would listen.

I was shocked that friends and relatives were actually getting brainwashed by it! Even our own children who knew better since they grew up with him acting crazy.

It is the intense emotions that the BPD feels that convince people to think 'gosh, there must be some truth to this, otherwise he wouldn't be so adamant and keeps repeating these things over and over again'!

Things get even more intense when the BPD one starts believing their own lies, which is often the case. 

One of our sons finally confessed that he is jealous that I got to escape, but he is stuck trying to pacify the mentally ill parent forever. Sorry kids, I no longer have to deal with your other parent, but you can limit your exposure to him if you can learn to not be co-dependent.