Uncomfortable play scene

[half-life]

I have separated from by BPDw for 9 months. S9 and I have a lot of conflicts these days. I have a rough time with him due to his attitude and I start to have great concern about his development. This is a long story by itself. Today I just want to talk about a play scene I have seen.

I bought my S9 and S4 each a cute stuffed animal. They love their toy and cuddle with them all the time. S4 also like to have his stuffed monkey sleep with him.

Today the two kids are playing in the cardboard castle that I built them. We also made a cardboard dungeon upon the request of S9. I thought this was a fun project and we all like what we have built.

This afternoon the two kids went into the dungeon playing being locked up by the monkey (S4's stuff animal). Then they broke out and throw the monkey into the jail. Later S9 bought a toy handcuff to lock it in the jail. I don't like to see S4's favor cute animal being locked. I told S4 that the monkey is his friend and he is crying. He said that the monkey is evil, a plot created by his brother. While S4' monkey is being lock up, S9's stuffed dog is still loved and stay in its "doghouse". I tried steer the story by telling them the animals are friendly ally. Or maybe it is the monkey's turn to get out and swap S9's dog in. S9 refused my suggestion.

One hour later the game has finished. I rescued the money and S4 bought him into his bed. A while later S9 found the money and picked it up and handcuffed it again.

Is it just child's play? Just some boys thing? Or a little sibling rivalry? I am concerned because I have S9 become egotistic and uncaring and often harass his little brother. Seeing he turn S4 against his animal, I fear his attitude issues would spread to his little brother.

What do you think? Would you intervene?

[rarsweet]

Maybe at first they jailed the monkey because the monkey was the jailer originally? Could you have the dog start out as jailer sometimes? Do your sons get one on one time with you? That's a pretty big age difference for kids. Maybe a little extra individual attention could help your older boy?

[half-life]

I already suggested them to swap the animals. S9 won't entertain the idea. My concern is he seems to be manipulative to the younger one.

When I was little, I wasn't very caring to my little brother either. I view him more like a little rascal who mess up my things all the time. Maybe that how things is I don't know. I'm just seeing many issues in S9 that make me concerned.

[livednlearned]

Hi half-life,

Since there is a BPD parent involved, I would err on the side that S9 needs some help -- this might require a change in what behavior you model for them, just by a hair.

BPD is roughly 60% genetics and 40% environment, so you have some room to create an alternate trajectory to the one S9 might be on thanks to his mom's mental illness and the effects that has on kids. People with BPD have higher than average needs for validation, and lack the capacity to validate what others are experiencing (because validation requires some higher order empathy skills). Kids then experience an invalidating environment when they are with their mom. Therefore, they need to learn everything they can about validation (and their own feelings) when they are with you.

Instead of trying to create a fair scenario where the dog is jailed, then the monkey, it might be more important to check in and see how S9 is feeling when he does this. How S4 feels. It may even be a good idea to share how you feel. Even though it's a book about parental alienation, I found Bill Eddy's book ":)on't Alienate the Kids" helped me understand why my responses and what I model to be the most important thing -- more important than "fair."

My son and I used to play Lego video games together. Even at age 9, he was much better than me, and I kept accidentally killing his character. This would enrage S9, and I started to have the eggshells feeling with him when we were supposed to be having fun. I kept defending myself, saying that I was not trying to kill his character. This is actually invalidating to a kid who felt overwhelmed/flooded by a feeling of being victimized, even by his own mom. His T helped me learn that I had to stop and ask him how he was feeling, and to express that I felt sadness about what was happening, even though it was only a game. We also learned to take a break and wait until we were in a better space, then talk about how we would handle things when my character killed his character. Together we figured out some good ground rules, ahead of time when no one had hot feelings.

This might be a good thing to do before game play with your boys. Let S9 try and figure out as much of this as he can -- you can also focus on the dog animal so that it doesn't turn into a triangle with you as the referee.

If your S9 is on a path toward BPD behavior, you'll also want to get a good handle on setting boundaries. This is a little different than just "laying down the law." It involves some strategies that create a direct feedback loop between your son and consequences, and he may even be involved in determining those consequences. Otherwise, he will continue to deal with things the same way until he's a teen and can do some real damage to himself and others, often when it starts to feel too late. Parenting With Love and Logic is an excellent book for this.

[half-life]

Talking about video games, I have similar experience. When I beat him in the game, it can set him off to anger and emotional reactions. I like it if we can play on equal footing. But it is no fun if I to tread carefully to prevent humiliating him in the game. He something switch off the game to avoid facing defect. Same thing happen in board games. It seems he really want to win every game rather than for the fun and enjoyment. I'm rather concern with his attitude in facing failure and defeat. I tried to inject the message that "you need to practice a ton and then you will get better." when possible.

Thank you for the book recommendations. I appreciate the help.