What are the things that you need to constantly remind yourself?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Interesting idea here, in my opinion. Some days I find myself slipping into bad habits that affect the quality of my life. I'm wondering what all of yours are, and how you end up dealing with them. In an effort to remain self-aware, I think it's important that we highlight the things that we know we have to do for ourselves. Detachment is not easy, but we are in control of it.

So, my list:

1.) Avoiding my triggers. I am pretty good at this, but I have slipped recently, and it has only brought unnecessary anxiety into my life. For me this includes all contact on social media, almost exclusively. Texting or email does not bother me, and neither would a meet up, as far as I am concerned.

2.) Keep having fun, meeting new people, doing things, etc.

3.) Staying focused on my work and future.

4.) Getting enough sleep and eating properly.

5.) Taking time every day to self-reflect.

What are the things that you want to do and/or add to your life?

[valet]

Interesting idea here, in my opinion. Some days I find myself slipping into bad habits that affect the quality of my life. I'm wondering what all of yours are, and how you end up dealing with them. In an effort to remain self-aware, I think it's important that we highlight the things that we know we have to do for ourselves. Detachment is not easy, but we are in control of it.

So, my list:

1.) Avoiding my triggers. I am pretty good at this, but I have slipped recently, and it has only brought unnecessary anxiety into my life. For me this includes all contact on social media, almost exclusively. Texting or email does not bother me, and neither would a meet up, as far as I am concerned.

2.) Keep having fun, meeting new people, doing things, etc.

3.) Staying focused on my work and future.

4.) Getting enough sleep and eating properly.

5.) Taking time every day to self-reflect.

What are the things that you want to do and/or add to your life?

[DyingLove]

Interesting idea here, in my opinion. Some days I find myself slipping into bad habits that affect the quality of my life. I'm wondering what all of yours are, and how you end up dealing with them. In an effort to remain self-aware, I think it's important that we highlight the things that we know we have to do for ourselves. Detachment is not easy, but we are in control of it.

So, my list:

1.) Avoiding my triggers. I am pretty good at this, but I have slipped recently, and it has only brought unnecessary anxiety into my life. For me this includes all contact on social media, almost exclusively. Texting or email does not bother me, and neither would a meet up, as far as I am concerned.

2.) Keep having fun, meeting new people, doing things, etc.

3.) Staying focused on my work and future.

4.) Getting enough sleep and eating properly.

5.) Taking time every day to self-reflect.

What are the things that you want to do and/or add to your life?

Valet, can you clearify this a bit for me?  Are you asking:

What we have to remind ourselves on a daily basis, because we've forgotten how to do these things because of our R/S?

or

What we do to help ourselves get away from the fallout of our R/S?

[Bensonshays]

Interesting idea here, in my opinion. Some days I find myself slipping into bad habits that affect the quality of my life. I'm wondering what all of yours are, and how you end up dealing with them. In an effort to remain self-aware, I think it's important that we highlight the things that we know we have to do for ourselves. Detachment is not easy, but we are in control of it.

So, my list:

1.) Avoiding my triggers. I am pretty good at this, but I have slipped recently, and it has only brought unnecessary anxiety into my life. For me this includes all contact on social media, almost exclusively. Texting or email does not bother me, and neither would a meet up, as far as I am concerned.

2.) Keep having fun, meeting new people, doing things, etc.

3.) Staying focused on my work and future.

4.) Getting enough sleep and eating properly.

5.) Taking time every day to self-reflect.

What are the things that you want to do and/or add to your life?

I have good habits, and have for a while now; they match your list pretty closely. But the most important thing I have to remember to work on is not allowing my emotions to sway my judgement at any given moment. For years I was led around by my feelings. Only recently, within the last two years, did I realize how badly this affected my quality of life, the decisions I made, my personal relationships and my work. It's a very comfortable, familiar behavior to fall back on. I catch myself doing it often.  

[valet]

Valet, can you clearify this a bit for me?  Are you asking:

What we have to remind ourselves on a daily basis, because we've forgotten how to do these things because of our R/S?

or

What we do to help ourselves get away from the fallout of our R/S?

Both, definitely. I think that they play an equal role in our healing.

[FlyingAway]

After meditating alone for over a year, to help me get some relief and distance from my obsessive thoughts (and corresponding suffering) over the break-up with my exBPD, I started to meditate within a group setting. The monk leading the groups tells the meditators to recite the words, "Be well, be happy, be peaceful." I have added, "be free."  I asked him if it was necessary to feel the words as we spoke them, or thought them, silently and frequently throughout the day. He told me it wasn't necessary: "Just fake it until you make it." It's also not necessary to meditate while saying them. You can say them anytime.

Saying them many times each day helps me feel centered. Combined with some of the behaviors listed within this thread, the trajectory of my healing is definitely on an upward trend.

[DyingLove]

Just some stuff off the top of my head.

I DO try to keep my mind in the NOW, versus what was.

I DO try to not think of the ex as much as I possibly can.

I DO try to focus on someone that I've been talking to versus the ex.

I DO watch ongoing tv series that keep my attention (eg. Fringe, Heroes, Roswell, American Horror Story, Walking Deat)

I DO try to reach out for help as soon as I can instead of breaking N/C etc.

I DO read a lot online, watch inspirational videos, and always trying to further my knowledge about BPD and related stuff.

I DO reach out to God a lot, I repent my sins often, I believe that God loves me, I also TRY to place God first. It's not all easy to do.

I DO try to sleep a lot, and eat much less than I used to, and I plan on becoming healthy and fit like I used to be.

I DO think about the pain and suffering and other negatives about my ex and the R/S when I feel like "wanting" her back.

I DO think about all of the ex's dysfunctional issues, family and friends when I feel favorable towards her.

I DO think about the fact that I'm becoming more and more happy being away from her and the R/S.

I DO think about all the things that are NO LONGER my responsibility now that I'm no longer in that R/S. (eg. her expenses, lack of priorities, poor parenting etc.)

I DO count my blessings that we didn't marry, I didn't have children with her, I don't have to be part of the dysfunction charade of family members she has. (just a few of her family are really really nice, the others... .oh well)

I AM happy that I am starting to focus on myself, my business, my future, females.

I AM happy that my physical ailments are slowly subsiding, my memory is beginning to return and get sharp again, my emotions are more level than when I was in the R/S and since the B/U.

I DO care now more about my appearance then I did During and after R/S, B/U.

I LIKE that I'm looking more and more like myself, and that I've lost weight.

I know there are a lot more things to add to the list, but these things are pretty important to my everyday existence.

[Trog]

My brain seems hard wired for only remembering the good and not the bad which if I sit down and think about it far far outweighs the good. Earlier today I posted that I had totally forgotten about a behaviour that if a non-codependent had experienced it from a partner would make them question the entire relationship... .let alone the things I do remember!

I constantly remind myself of how my ex made me feel, the way she would publically shame me, the way she would twist and turn to avoid lying but be sure to keep me in the dark, the way she would dupe me into things (including having a child which I later found out she would want to limit me from seeing), the way she would hit me or lash out, or cause a fight over absolutely nothing, how many nights I ended up sleeping on the sofa or with her cold stone back to me for no good reason I could see, the silent treatment, the withdrawl of affection, the constant criticism from the way I chopped vegetables to the way I tidied the house to the way I had sex, the entitlement (that one alone killed the relationship), the way everything we did had to be about her and her family, she even wanted me to limit seeing my family and tried to convince me to reduce contact with them.

I have to remind myself all the time that she was NO GOOD for me and utterly selfish, unable and unwilling to save our marriage just with basic behaviours so why should I still care about her, an abusive, unworthy partner. Its the idealisation stage and the promises that do it, the rare loving moments that keep you hooked and confused.

[LimboFL]

"My brain seems hard wired for only remembering the good and not the bad which if I sit down and think about it far far outweighs the good. Earlier today I posted that I had totally forgotten about a behaviour that if a non-codependent had experienced it from a partner would make them question the entire relationship... .let alone the things I do remember!

I constantly remind myself of how my ex made me feel, the way she would publically shame me, the way she would twist and turn to avoid lying but be sure to keep me in the dark, the way she would dupe me into things (including having a child which I later found out she would want to limit me from seeing), the way she would hit me or lash out, or cause a fight over absolutely nothing, how many nights I ended up sleeping on the sofa or with her cold stone back to me for no good reason I could see, the silent treatment, the withdrawl of affection, the constant criticism from the way I chopped vegetables to the way I tidied the house to the way I had sex, the entitlement (that one alone killed the relationship)"

Jesus, I could have written this. Right here, this is what I constantly need to remind myself of, that the BPD was real, that my mood, how I felt and where I went mentally was so driven by her whole attitude and demeanor. I have repeated over the last few weeks how I need to stop coming to the board, but then I read a post like Trogs and it reminds me that this was real, that I am not on BPD Family because I am simply looking reaching for any excuse to explain the destruction of my relationship and my mental state, that despite being so much better off than before, that the continued days of heart ache and continued difficulty completely getting away from the four year relationship, that I am not crazy, that my emotions are real and justified.

Thank you Trog.

[Dunder]

I know I'm probably stretching the purpose of this thread but I keep various slips a paper in my wallet with reminders as to why I need to maintain No Contact and work toward detachment.

Here's the one for April 30:

1. She has a mental illness

2. You wrote her a well meaning message that balanced sensible boundaries with kindness

3. She will probably not respond to you for days, maybe weeks

4. If/When she responds to you, it won't be very satisfying

5. You're better off if she doesn't respond

6. Get back on the track you were on

Just another coping skill I've had to invent after a doozy of a relationship with BPD.