Found something that belonged to her

[ShadowIntheNight]

And I never even knew it was here. It was a wife beater tshirt of hers that she had to have put in there the last time she was here. That's been some time ago and I never ever saw it until today. The only way it could have gotten there was if she placed it there. To remind me of her. Things like that let me know she was never planning on leaving. I to this minute cannot tell you why she is gone. I know why she's pissed at me, I let her have it the way she ended our relationship. 9.5 years via a typed note in a birthday card she sent me last August. She's out looking for my replacement, pulling a fadeaway on me with no explanation, and she's mad at what I said to her because  I got angry at her for dumping me in my birthday card.

I had a friend reread her breakup note to see if she had put a reason for ending it in there that I may have overlooked. The only thing she found was her saying that the custody suit she went thru with her exH for 2.5 years was "life altering". A court case with her ex MALE husband that lasted 2.5 years made her decide that she needed to be straight again after having been in a lesbian relationship for the past 9.5 years. Sure, I can see that logic. I'm being facetious.

So that's her reason. A court case was life altering. Not that I'm a bad person, not that she can't take the arguing, the back and forth, not that we have nothing in common. For the record, I am not a bad person, and we rarely argued. Just that a court case was life altering. I realize that that statement alone, if it's her justification, means that nothing I ever did or would ever do would have helped our relationship in 9 months, 9 years or 9 decades. Nothing. Because she let something that really had no reason to happen in the first place other than her and her ex's hard headedness "change" her life. And we didn't know 9.5 years ago such a thing would even happen. So how could I possibly make contingency plans to counteract a uBPD's behavior when anything obscure would have set her off to leave?

I was completely supportive of her during the court case. Last May while she was going on dates looking for my replacement, I was going thru the first draft of the court order she and her kids would have to abide by for the next 6 years. That's right, I m making sure she isn't getting screwed, and she's screwing me behind my back. Something where she should have been appreciative even on her kid's behalf, and I get kicked to the curb for no compelling reason I can find.

It's all so ridiculous. And it makes me angry in a deep way. It's like she went looking for a reason and still didn't come up with one! I wonder now that she's had a year for the court orders to have been in place and me not doing a single solitary thing for her or even having spoken to her since last July, if I even cross her freaking empty head. I say again, a decade of my life was stolen from me. What's the point in thinking good thoughts of it if she couldn't find anything in the time we were together compelling enough not to leave. Not a single, measly thing.

[Mike-X]

Thank you for sharing this. I am sorry that you came across the shirt and that it brought back these issues regarding a good reason for her leaving and the feelings of lost time.

With respect to searching for why she left, the answer is, of course, that she left because of the disorder, not because of anything that you did or did not do. However, I know from my own searching that that is difficult to accept as the answer.

[ShadowIntheNight]

Intellectually I know you're right Mike. But I struggle with thinking of her having a disorder as her behaviors weren't as out there as so many other people faced until the last 4 years of our relationship. And even then they didn't strike me as me dealing with someone with a disorder.

Amazingly I have come to realize most of her fracturing began when her mother divorced for a third time a fellow who didn't like her shopping every weekend and didn't like to travel as much as she did. Not that he was a bad man, not that he treated her awful and was a lazy good for nothing, but that he didn't like to travel as much as her and didn't like her spending money on clothes every weekend. And the Fall after her mother's divorce was when my uBPDexgf had a major split with me. After a comment her mother made to her. And this one happened after her mother said something else to her about our relationship.

I'm having a hard month as all the anniversaries are about to start falling in front of me, and she's gone, I'm still devastated, and I found a tshirt of hers she planted for me to find so I would think of her. And I didn't find it until now. Of all things... .

She used to take things of mine with her so she could have it with her to give her comfort while we were apart. I was fine with just the thought of her.

[Mike-X]

Intellectually I know you're right Mike. But I struggle with thinking of her having a disorder as her behaviors weren't as out there as so many other people faced until the last 4 years of our relationship. And even then they didn't strike me as me dealing with someone with a disorder.

Amazingly I have come to realize most of her fracturing began when her mother divorced for a third time a fellow who didn't like her shopping every weekend and didn't like to travel as much as she did. Not that he was a bad man, not that he treated her awful and was a lazy good for nothing, but that he didn't like to travel as much as her and didn't like her spending money on clothes every weekend. And the Fall after her mother's divorce was when my uBPDexgf had a major split with me. After a comment her mother made to her. And this one happened after her mother said something else to her about our relationship.

I'm having a hard month as all the anniversaries are about to start falling in front of me, and she's gone, I'm still devastated, and I found a tshirt of hers she planted for me to find so I would think of her. And I didn't find it until now. Of all things... .

She used to take things of mine with her so she could have it with her to give her comfort while we were apart. I was fine with just the thought of her.

I really appreciate your sharing all of this. I got choked up just reading what you are going through.

Several of the stories on the boards seem to have major triggering events in them, like parental divorce, death of a significant person (e.g., parent, grandparent), anniversary of a significant event. Dysregulation in my ex uBPD gf seemed to coincide with her mother's birthday. I actually mentioned that to her one time. At the moment, she seemed to take it in and think about it, but she didn't acknowledge it or try to talk about it further. I imagine that it is just more of the pain that she tries to keep suppressed.

It is interesting, cute in a way, that your gf would take things of yours for comfort when you were separated and that she would have left something there to comfort you.

My ex left a lot of stuff here at the house. I have been thinking that she didn't need the stuff or didn't want the more sentimental stuff around her as reminders of the loving family that she was leaving. However, maybe she left them here to comfort me... .that certainly gives me something to consider about the meaning of these things that she left behind.

[ShadowIntheNight]

Thanks Mike. The dysregulation didn't happen because of her mother's divorce. My ex is 46 and lives about 2.5 hours from her mother. I think what happened was after the divorce and then particularly with her retirement 2 years ago she started being more up in my exgf's business. I suspect this behavior happened when my ex was a youngster as well. And it Is clear to me that her mother is who she is afraid of being both critical of her and of abandoning her.

I also have noticed that my ex's pushing away retrospectively happened very close to her mother's birthday. I don't know why, but her mother is definitely her trigger.

Thanks for your kind words. I actually decided to sleep with her tshirt tonight.