Strong feelings after coming in contact with ex

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Can anyone relate to the intense emotions the come up from seeing your ex the first time after things ended horribly?

I saw my BPDex for the first time in 4 months today at work, she is switching back to my workplace after being at another location during school. As soon as I heard her voice I felt immense tension, I think I felt pain and anger but it was so intense I couldn't process it. I am going to try and find a new job so I don't have to see her on a regular basis as this would be harmful to my healing process.

One funny thing I did notice is that when we broke up her hair was blonde, a month later white and blue, and now pink. Seems like she is craving for attention.

[Tay25]

Can anyone relate to the intense emotions the come up from seeing your ex the first time after things ended horribly?

I saw my BPDex for the first time in 4 months today at work, she is switching back to my workplace after being at another location during school. As soon as I heard her voice I felt immense tension, I think I felt pain and anger but it was so intense I couldn't process it. I am going to try and find a new job so I don't have to see her on a regular basis as this would be harmful to my healing process.

One funny thing I did notice is that when we broke up her hair was blonde, a month later white and blue, and now pink. Seems like she is craving for attention.

[Invictus01]

She text'd me a "Merry Christmas" message 5 weeks after disappearing like I never existed in her life. It was like nothing ever happened, like it was business as usual for her. When I saw that text, it felt like somebody reached inside of my rib cage and pulled my heart out.

[peacefulmind]

I am gruelling that this will happen to me. That my ex-BPD will try and contact me again because I still don't know how I will react, and unfortunately I think I would react the exact same way as you Tay25. I am sorry that your healing process is inhibited by this, but you seem level-headed and have a clear idea of what you need to do. Aren't there any other ways to avoid getting in contact with her, other than you resigning? I feel that it is a pretty drastic move to this, and not at all fair to you that you're still the one who has to make compromises to your life. Remember, you're stronger without her, and you have begun asserting yourself in a more positive way.

[Bensonshays]

Can anyone relate to the intense emotions the come up from seeing your ex the first time after things ended horribly?

Yes, it sucks--a lot. I saw her three times one week after things went south. She seemed completely at peace while it took every ounce of restraint I had to play it cool, which I wasn't able to do entirely. It gave her a chance to twist the knife a few more times, bringing the replacement around, for example. It definitely set me back.

[Tay25]

She text'd me a "Merry Christmas" message 5 weeks after disappearing like I never existed in her life. It was like nothing ever happened, like it was business as usual for her. When I saw that text, it felt like somebody reached inside of my rib cage and pulled my heart out.

That is very cold-hearted of her, I'm sorry you had to deal with that. Unfortunately it does seem that for a pwBPD we are merely an object to be used to meet their needs, then be thrown away when we are no longer useful and then find a new object.

Aren't there any other ways to avoid getting in contact with her, other than you resigning? I feel that it is a pretty drastic move to this, and not at all fair to you that you're still the one who has to make compromises to your life.

Sorry, I didn't explain the situation properly. I have just graduated from college so it is time for me to find a better job anyways. I wasn't in a rush to get out of my current job however knowing that she is coming back has really motivated me to try as hard as I can to get out of my current job to a better one.

The hardest thing for me to overcome is all the built up anger inside of me. I just want to tell her everything I see so clearly now, her emptiness, abusiveness, projection, childishness all of it. All throughout our relationship I agreed with her that "I need to change", that my actions caused her to give me the silent treatment, that I was solely responsible to fix this relationship. I sat there and took it all, even at the very end when she tore through my soul with the meanest words I have ever heard anyone say, I took it. This is why when I see her so much emotion comes up, because of all the pain I let her cause me and that no one truly knows the demons that hide behind the mask. In public she is able to be fake and act nice, though when you spend a lot of time with her alone you begin to see who she truly is.

[peacefulmind]

She text'd me a "Merry Christmas" message 5 weeks after disappearing like I never existed in her life. It was like nothing ever happened, like it was business as usual for her. When I saw that text, it felt like somebody reached inside of my rib cage and pulled my heart out.

That is very cold-hearted of her, I'm sorry you had to deal with that. Unfortunately it does seem that for a pwBPD we are merely an object to be used to meet their needs, then be thrown away when we are no longer useful and then find a new object.

Aren't there any other ways to avoid getting in contact with her, other than you resigning? I feel that it is a pretty drastic move to this, and not at all fair to you that you're still the one who has to make compromises to your life.

Sorry, I didn't explain the situation properly. I have just graduated from college so it is time for me to find a better job anyways. I wasn't in a rush to get out of my current job however knowing that she is coming back has really motivated me to try as hard as I can to get out of my current job to a better one.

The hardest thing for me to overcome is all the built up anger inside of me. I just want to tell her everything I see so clearly now, her emptiness, abusiveness, projection, childishness all of it. All throughout our relationship I agreed with her that "I need to change", that my actions caused her to give me the silent treatment, that I was solely responsible to fix this relationship. I sat there and took it all, even at the very end when she tore through my soul with the meanest words I have ever heard anyone say, I took it. This is why when I see her so much emotion comes up, because of all the pain I let her cause me and that no one truly knows the demons that hide behind the mask. In public she is able to be fake and act nice, though when you spend a lot of time with her alone you begin to see who she truly is.

I am in the same boat as you. I want to tell my ex-BPD what went wrong, I want to say all the things I never got to before I was forced into doing the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life. I want my ex-BPD to understand that I will take him/her back in an instant if he/she promises me that BPD treatment is something that is needed for us to function. I love my ex-BPD so very much and I long for being back to what I thought it was. The problem is, it won't happen. I know there are success stories of BPDs actively engaging in treatment to suppress their issues, but I haven't read much about it other than mindfulness dialectical therapy. I understand you want to expose everything to her, and that way around "save" her. But at this point, you're already painted black and nothing you will say will change it. My ex-BPD knows the problem, but it still hasn't done a thing. I have indulged the behavior and therefore the bad sides were being reinforced to the point where a simple trigger event caused the silent treatment and ultimately the shut out.

I understand that you feel terribly wronged, and you have been. A lot of people has told me to forgive and let go, and understand that it is the disorder that has caused it, but I still do believe we're dealing with adult people here, they should take responsibility for their actions! But their emotional state is still somewhat captivated in their past traumas which make it unable for them to feel the remorse and guilt associated with the terrible treatment-

Personally, I am at a stage where I have cut all contact. A while ago I cut all contact, removed all social media etc., and blocked my ex-BPDs facebook page so I can't even access it (even if we're not friends on it anymore). This way, I am not able to obsess about what I see, whether his/her statuses updates or his/her profile pictures change. If you have already chosen that you want a new job, then that's your "blocking" so to speak. If you still have her on facebook and several other social medias, my best advice to you is to enforce no contact, simply by cutting her lose. The anger will still be there, but it will subside as you don't have to face the terrible betrayal and wrong she has done to you every single day. It has helped me a lot already, but I still have a lot of pain and anger bottled up inside. I allow myself to take a long walk every day and I find a secluded place, and I just scream my lungs out when I feel it becomes too much. It helps me to release the anger, at least for a period, and I can focus on myself again.

I hope you find a way to cope with this the best way. Cutting contact was good thing, enforcing no contact was even better. It enables you to assert your own boundaries and gain the strength to move on.

[Tay25]

For me I have gotten over wanting to "save" her, it cannot be done and I know that. It is up to her to take responsibility for her behaviors. I just lost a lot of self-respect for letting her tear into me like she did and abuse me for as long as she did. It may sound immature, I just want her to try and engage me so I can have the chance to say the words I never said and tell her I see right through her now. For some reason I feel this might help me regain my self-respect although I think it would probably just make my pain worse.

Thankfully I have also had the courage to go no-contact, 2 months ago I blocked her on Facebook and deleted her on Instagram (although she still follows me). I was doing great, not really thinking about her much and resisted every urge to look her up on Facebook or Insta. When I saw her in person it brought up old pain and has definitely set me back. I have been focusing on healing myself however when I see her in person it brings me back to thinking about her which is impeding my progress. Hopefully I can get a new job asap.