What is core trauma?

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I have been reading and re-reading a post by member '2010'. I am pretty clear that I did come to my relationship with my BPDex as a co-dependent in 'lonely child' stance and as such need to heal my own core trauma.

What is core trauma?

Can you give me some examples?

How do I recognise my own core trauma when it comes up?

What do I do with it when it comes up?

Thanks, in anticipation... .

Lifewriter

[Lifewriter16]

I have been reading and re-reading a post by member '2010'. I am pretty clear that I did come to my relationship with my BPDex as a co-dependent in 'lonely child' stance and as such need to heal my own core trauma.

What is core trauma?

Can you give me some examples?

How do I recognise my own core trauma when it comes up?

What do I do with it when it comes up?

Thanks, in anticipation... .

Lifewriter

[fromheeltoheal]

Core trauma is what we experienced growing up in our FOO (family of origin); the combination of our own temperament and the emotional atmosphere of our family growing up shapes who we 'are' and how we see the world.  "Core trauma" sounds heavy and can be, if we were raised by folks with personality disorders, addictions, were abusive, were just emotionally distant, whatever, we either got our emotional needs met or we didn't.  I'm not an expert by any stretch and it's a deep subject, but there's a book called Schema Therapy by Jeffrey Young that goes deep with the Lonely Child schema, as it's called, and it's not what you think it is at first glance, and there's a lot of discussion on this site about it.  And then of course, if it's a big issue for you or you just want to grow, the whole family of origin area and how it affects our current lives is what therapists focus on, so there's potential benefit there.

It's very good that you're digging here; what is coming up for you specifically?

[Sunfl0wer]

I have been reading and re-reading a post by member '2010'. I am pretty clear that I did come to my relationship with my BPDex as a co-dependent in 'lonely child' stance and as such need to heal my own core trauma.

What is core trauma?

Can you give me some examples?

How do I recognise my own core trauma when it comes up?

What do I do with it when it comes up?

Thanks, in anticipation... .

Lifewriter

I read that too last week.  How powerful!  I felt like someone broke into my head to tell me what was going on!  Amazing!

I'd love to figure this out more too!

I googled and came up with:www.healmyptsd.com/2011/10/hope-survivors-trauma-1.html

As an intuitive coach, healer, educator and survivor of complex developmental trauma, I have come to know personally and understand professionally that trauma masks our authentic selves – who we really are at our core. When we experience trauma, the connection to our power becomes temporarily lost and in its stead, we adopt compensatory personas, identities and personalities or what I call Core Trauma Patterns. These patterns are what ultimately keeps us stuck in PTSD, addictions, depression, anxiety or any other symptom or stress. But there is HOPE!

So, I'm not sure if I'm understanding it all but I'll try... .

I think when I feel shameful, afraid or procrastinating... .  My core trauma is coming to surface.  It is the internal dialog that I tell myself as a replacement for the negative dialog of my childhood.  I have internalized a demeaning mom that I learned from my demeaning mom.

For ex:  right now I'm procrastinating doing some work.  While I do not actually hear a dialog in my head, if I try real hard I can "hear":  I'm not good enough, I deserve to feel anxious and uncomfortable. 

I try to consciously do some type of CBT and "reframe" my thoughts about the task.  I try to purposefully change my internal unconscious thoughts/dialog to: when this task is done, I will feel positive and accomplished, I deserve that feeling and can celebrate it by (something).

It has to be as genuine as possible.

I try guided imagery... .to imagine doing the task, and instead feeling anxious, imagine doing it in a way that feels good throughout and when done.  I try to also find the obstacle to why I am stuck in my mind insisting on the negative feelings... .and see if I can identify the negative fallacy I am hanging onto... .so that I can "correct" it.

Idk if that helps... .my thoughts are a bit disorganized today... .and this is a challenging thing for me to articulate.

[Lifewriter16]

Thank you for your replies. My life has felt completely mad recently, swinging from intense closeness to stonewalling and falling out repeatedly. I have been in two minds about what to do, swinging from one course of action to the other and back again. I have repeatedly wanted to almost meld with my BPDbf, but next day, I run away and keep on running, emotionally at least. It's been barmy. Reading member 2010’s post on the lonely child stance/abandoned child stance type of bonding has shed some light on all this. We have been ‘driving each other crazy’ as 2010 said would happen if two such people bonded. We are currently split and this could easily be the last time (but who's to say given our track record?).

It has been mad, but I am also beginning to learn some useful things.

Here are some examples of things that have been coming up for me:

I believe that all men leave. I was taught that men are 'only after one thing'. This led me to believe there is nothing about me that any man could ever possibly want except my body (which is now aging).

I 'test' men before committing my emotions fully. They have to pass a tick-list of suitability for me to invest in them fully and put up with some bad behaviour to convince me they actually like me.

Intimacy makes me feel like a child who is being taunted like a carrot held before a donkey. The child wants it but knows she can never have it. As that child, I react to try stop the teasing. If being nice fails and the man doesn't back-off voluntarily, I push them away. Yet, I fear being on my own. This fear is specifically a fear of dying alone.

I feel ‘invisible’ in my relationship with my BPDbf and feel he doesn't 'hear' me. There are parallels with my family of origin. There was no eye contact in my FOO, no one asked me how I was. No one bothered to listen to me and if I took myself off, no one seemed to either notice or care that I had gone. I have deep seated doubts whether anyone cares whether I live or die and suspect that must be because there is something wrong with me.

I was given a diagnosis of asperger's syndrome two years ago. I believe my mother has a more profound manifestation of it but she has not been diagnosed. She was a prickly person, attended to practical things but couldn't do warmth. I have been married for 15 years to a man with AS who cannot do eye contact, intimacy or even sex. It was a cold emotional climate to live in. Our divorce is pending.

I have always felt lonely and somehow separated from the rest of the world. Whether any of that is an inbuilt tendency to retreat from people or just a response to my FOO, I don't know. Recently, I have been remembering how, after one counselling session, I walked home repeatedly saying "Babies don't need love!" I did though, but I got very little of it.

I fear that if a man get's close enough, he will reject me because he will realise there is nothing there, I am like an empty box.

I distrust my judgement of my situation with my BPDbf because of my diagnosis but it really messes up my head and wreaks havoc with my sense of reality. He has a florid history including threatening his wife with a knife (in self-defense he claims, but I suspect it could be otherwise). I don't think he's a safe person to love so the reasons to pull away and avoid intimacy with him are pretty strong.

I'm beginning to get some emotions around these issues and am keeping a journal... .

[Sunfl0wer]

I have been in two minds about what to do, swinging from one course of action to the other and back again.

What do you think would happen if you do not decide to make a choice on what to do, but rather just observe how things naturally unfold the next couple of months?

I have repeatedly wanted to almost meld with my BPDbf, but next day, I run away and keep on running, emotionally at least

This fear is specifically a fear of dying alone

I feel ‘invisible’ in my relationship with my BPDbf and feel he doesn't 'hear' me

I completely relate to this.

have always felt lonely and somehow separated from the rest of the world. Whether any of that is an inbuilt tendency to retreat from people or just a response to my FOO, I don't know.

I imagine that every person with AS feels this.  Not to say that your FOO did not create this feeling in you too, idk, but it is very consistent for AS too.

I fear that if a man get's close enough, he will reject me because he will realise there is nothing there, I am like an empty box.

Your posts are anything but empty!  Filled with thoughtful intelligent insight!  I am grateful hearing and reading your perspective and thoughts!

[Tay25]

I'm still learning about my core trauma, although some of the things I've noticed:

- Certain emotions such as anger, I see as scary or frightening because my father used to take his anger out on me. I feel a sense of shame whenever I feel anger because of this. Therefore I have discarded anger from my personality and am only able to express it in immature ways. Such as irritability and passive- aggression.

- Feeling unlovable - my father gave up my family, his job, everything to continue being an alcoholic and I feel that I wasn't good enough for him. If I was somehow more of value he would have stopped drinking and realized the impact his addiction has on those around him. If my father couldn't love me, how can I or someone else?

- Being a parentified child: I am used to being responsible for other people and get my self worth from being needed and having people around me who need my help or need me to be a caretaker.

- Seeing the world as a fearful place - I had some abusive babysitters and was bullied in elementary school which has led me to be hyper-vigilant about others, being ready to defend myself, or avoid any hurtful interactions.