Her change of heart AFTER i agree to the divorce is classic

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hey everyone, Im not sure where to begin, just was looking for answers I guess.  Been married to a BPD for almost 20 years.  She was diagnosed 3 yrs ago.  5 kids and I am recovering from a brain injury i received 8 years ago. The brain injury made things 1000 times worse in our marriage.  Anyways, things go so bad that I was suicidal for months and planned carefully how to leave.  I left last year in March and it was very difficult to leave my children.  I did have a seperation agreement with the hope to reconcile with clear boundaries, and expectations to get individual therapy... .but she didnt honor any of it.  She demanded divorce, changed her mind, sucked me in, turned on me, again and again... .then a month or so ago I decided to comply and end the marriage.  i couldnt take it anymore.  But now, she doesnt want the divorce and is getting others involved, my church, etc and painting a picture of a person who wants to save her marriage.  She is even texting me messages of apologies and asking for fogiveness, which is usually not like her at all... .but i dont want to get sucked in. my mind is made up, my heart is severed from her... .but her change of heart AFTER i agree to the divorce is classic.  I just need to move on.  I guess the reason for joining this board is because I am confused about her behavior, its calm, its different, admitting to things, but it also feels manipulative.  

Also, I cannot find any therapists in my area that seems to really understand BPD. I need help recovering from this.

thanks guys, I hope I can be helpful to you in the future.  right now I am needing some support though.

[omart]

Hey everyone, Im not sure where to begin, just was looking for answers I guess.  Been married to a BPD for almost 20 years.  She was diagnosed 3 yrs ago.  5 kids and I am recovering from a brain injury i received 8 years ago. The brain injury made things 1000 times worse in our marriage.  Anyways, things go so bad that I was suicidal for months and planned carefully how to leave.  I left last year in March and it was very difficult to leave my children.  I did have a seperation agreement with the hope to reconcile with clear boundaries, and expectations to get individual therapy... .but she didnt honor any of it.  She demanded divorce, changed her mind, sucked me in, turned on me, again and again... .then a month or so ago I decided to comply and end the marriage.  i couldnt take it anymore.  But now, she doesnt want the divorce and is getting others involved, my church, etc and painting a picture of a person who wants to save her marriage.  She is even texting me messages of apologies and asking for fogiveness, which is usually not like her at all... .but i dont want to get sucked in. my mind is made up, my heart is severed from her... .but her change of heart AFTER i agree to the divorce is classic.  I just need to move on.  I guess the reason for joining this board is because I am confused about her behavior, its calm, its different, admitting to things, but it also feels manipulative.  

Also, I cannot find any therapists in my area that seems to really understand BPD. I need help recovering from this.

thanks guys, I hope I can be helpful to you in the future.  right now I am needing some support though.

[Skip]

It sounds like a lot of push or pull is going on - maybe both ways. It's understandable, 20 years is a long time and you are intertwined beings.  The kids are another huge aspect of this.

Clearly, her going to others affects you - gives you pause.  What is being said that has this affect?

Also, can you tell us a little more about you situation -  the number and age of the kids - how you injury affects you... .

[EaglesJuju]

Hi omart,  

Welcome aboard. You have come to the right place for support.

How are you doing with your brain injury?

I am sorry that you are going through this.    I can understand how difficult it was for you to leave your children. 20 years is a very long time to be married.

I can understand how you could be skeptical to her calm behavior. It is a dramatic change from the usual unstable behavior and contradictions. Is she in therapy or diagnosed with BPD?

[omart]

Hi guys thanks for the replies and questions. Here are my answers:

EaglesJuju:

I can understand how you could be skeptical to her calm behavior. the thing is she has been calm and encouraging before,, then I get sucked in and shortly there after I am the horrible loser, mentally ill person, terrible husband, etc.  I have been sucked in only to be spit out time and time again, for most of my marriage.

How are you doing with your brain injury?  This past year has been the best I ever had since I left.  But I deal still deal with brain fatigue after a few hours of work (used to be minutes), ice pick headaches and brain pain due to weather changes, pressure, etc.  I have to rest at least 3-4 hours a day when overstimulated.  It has affected every aspect of my life, but I am overcoming and learning a new way to live.  I also been overcoming PTSD.

Is she in therapy or diagnosed with BPD? Diagnosed in 2012 after a two week counseling intensive  and confirmed with another therapist.  but she has yet to accept it and get help for it.  She still says, as of yesterday that she needs no help and I am the one with all the problems.

Skip:

What is being said that has this affect? Its been many years of verbal, emotional assault on my character, lack of education, money, background, family history, etc. I was always compare to her father who is a millionare, to other men, etc.  I will list them out:

• "He is seeing another woman, thats is why he wants a divorce" (she told me kids this last week as well) - this is biggie because she has cheated on me twice and this past year she has been seeing other men, 3 confirmed, after I left.  I havent seen any woman, nor have the desire to.



• "He wont provide for the family"  I am disabled and have a difficult time working.  I barely can care for myself now and she makes 80% more than I do.



• "He left me and abondoned me and I wanted to work things out" not true, every day (i had to record her to keep me from going insane) she woudl come home from work and demand that I leave, tell me I am loser for laying around all the time when we need money, and telling me I am better of killing myself because the kids dont care about me, etc.  and more I dont have time to list... .

[/li]

[/list]

the number and age of the kids: 5 kids, 20, 19, 17, 14, 13. my oldest was 12 when I got hurt, I was barely an engaged father for many years after my injury.  The 3 day in the hospital my wife was angry because I wasnt released yet.  she told me "Any better man would have been out by now"

how the injury affects me: my personality, my moods, my thought process, my ability to work, think, be alive, etc.  there were times that I wish I was dead (i am over that now... .dont worry), I used to want to get cancer, or be in a wheelchair  (i am sorry of this offends anymore, I dont mean to, I just was in very low point in my life). 

Again, I am better than I have been, but its a daily struggle to live, but I have learned to overcome.  I am very invovled with hurting people now and help them through life srtuggles.

I still have many triggers when my wife calls, text, email and when I see her. I have a lot to work through in that regards.

hope this info helps. thank you guys!