Anyone else experience this?

[jammo1989]

How did you guys perceive or should I say experience the idealization/devaluation process?  The reason why I ask this is because a few randomly memories popped into my head earlier which could only be seen as the idealization/. devalue behavior.  For example, I love to work out and would like to think im pretty big for a natural guy, my ex would tell me on countless occasions how big and muscular I was, and even told me how she would show pictures of me to all her friends.  There was also an occasion where some guy tried flirting with her on a night out and and she told the guy to take his top off, and she was like "H ha, why would i want your skinny a... ." when I got have this and showed the guy pictures of me and made the guy look an idiot (Her words) so she would well be lieing.  Then after 6 months she would start baiting me saying things like I saw this guy in town earlier and his arms were twice the size of yours, she would also say things like there was this steroid guy in the gym and he was massive compared to you, a complete reverse of behavior, its as if she used my attributes against me during the devalue period, what experiences have you had with this kind of reversal of behavior?              

[EaglesJuju]

Why do you think she was baiting and using things against you that she once praised you on?

[valet]

Yeah, my ex complimented me a ton, was constantly showing me off to her family, and was majorly affectionate in public. When she started hurting me emotionally she had no explanation for it. She would always tell me, 'You've been my strength this whole time and I treat you so badly at moments.'

My ex never really vocally devalued me to my face, at least from what I can remember. It was more like, a gradual increase of silence toward me in all forms: talking, texting, affection, etc.

It didn't really start until about a year and a half into the relationship either, so I confused it with just like, a rough landing after the honeymoon. Little that I know that her definition of a serious, long lasting relationship is literally how she felt during the honeymoon, which can never be sustained in any type of relationship.

It's sad, really, how all she wanted was comfort and security, but when she finally had it it was too much for her to handle. I will always love her in a way, and do really want her as a friend. She means a lot to me.

[jammo1989]

Why do you think she was baiting and using things against you that she once praised you on?

Hey Eagle, personally, I think that, she started baiting me as a means of self validation.  For example, she knew it would get a reaction from me in the sense that I would get all competitive and she always used to tell me she loves it when I get angry, now, is that to show her that I care enough to by showing negative emotions as a way of fighting for her, as in get protective by what shes says as if to say I could drop you if i wanted to, or was it just to cause drama?   

[EaglesJuju]

Hey Eagle, personally, I think that, she started baiting me as a means of self validation.  For example, she knew it would get a reaction from me in the sense that I would get all competitive and she always used to tell me she loves it when I get angry, now, is that to show her that I care enough to by showing negative emotions as a way of fighting for her, as in get protective by what shes says as if to say I could drop you if i wanted to, or was it just to cause drama?    

I agree with the self validation.

The bolded statements scream that she wanted to make you jealous.

[Bensonshays]

How did you guys perceive or should I say experience the idealization/devaluation process?  The reason why I ask this is because a few randomly memories popped into my head earlier which could only be seen as the idealization/. devalue behavior.  For example, I love to work out and would like to think im pretty big for a natural guy, my ex would tell me on countless occasions how big and muscular I was, and even told me how she would show pictures of me to all her friends.  There was also an occasion where some guy tried flirting with her on a night out and and she told the guy to take his top off, and she was like "H ha, why would i want your skinny a... ." when I got have this and showed the guy pictures of me and made the guy look an idiot (Her words) so she would well be lieing.  Then after 6 months she would start baiting me saying things like I saw this guy in town earlier and his arms were twice the size of yours, she would also say things like there was this steroid guy in the gym and he was massive compared to you, a complete reverse of behavior, its as if she used my attributes against me during the devalue period, what experiences have you had with this kind of reversal of behavior?              

When we first got together,  I got a lot of "I really like that you take care of your body" and "your legs are pure muscle." It was funny at the time (even more so now) because she was exaggerating my features. Makes a lot more sense now.

[jammo1989]

How did you guys perceive or should I say experience the idealization/devaluation process?  The reason why I ask this is because a few randomly memories popped into my head earlier which could only be seen as the idealization/. devalue behavior.  For example, I love to work out and would like to think im pretty big for a natural guy, my ex would tell me on countless occasions how big and muscular I was, and even told me how she would show pictures of me to all her friends.  There was also an occasion where some guy tried flirting with her on a night out and and she told the guy to take his top off, and she was like "H ha, why would i want your skinny a... ." when I got have this and showed the guy pictures of me and made the guy look an idiot (Her words) so she would well be lieing.  Then after 6 months she would start baiting me saying things like I saw this guy in town earlier and his arms were twice the size of yours, she would also say things like there was this steroid guy in the gym and he was massive compared to you, a complete reverse of behavior, its as if she used my attributes against me during the devalue period, what experiences have you had with this kind of reversal of behavior?              

When we first got together,  I got a lot of "I really like that you take care of your body" and "your legs are pure muscle." It was funny at the time (even more so now) because she was exaggerating my features. Makes a lot more sense now.

I know the experience man, she would exaggerate and openly talk about our sex life to all her mates in front of me, as if she was showing off this brand new toy and that she thought that everyone else wanted it.  For example "My mate called you fit when i showed her a picture of you, but she knows your mine she even looks at you and ill rip her head off" Then as the honey moon period finished she probably thought I wasn't emotionally invested as much as I was at the start, this is why she would bait to test my jealousy and protective nature towards her, and as I began to pick up on this she would push the testing even more on me by saying things like, oh wow hes hot, while im holding hands with her in town.       

[jammo1989]

Hey Eagle, personally, I think that, she started baiting me as a means of self validation.  For example, she knew it would get a reaction from me in the sense that I would get all competitive and she always used to tell me she loves it when I get angry, now, is that to show her that I care enough to by showing negative emotions as a way of fighting for her, as in get protective by what shes says as if to say I could drop you if i wanted to, or was it just to cause drama?    

I agree with the self validation.

The bolded statements scream that she wanted to make you jealous.

Thats exactly how I perceived it Eagle, im glad you agree with me as it was confusing at the start, but now it seems the only logical reason why she was doing it now. 

[jammo1989]

Yeah, my ex complimented me a ton, was constantly showing me off to her family, and was majorly affectionate in public. When she started hurting me emotionally she had no explanation for it. She would always tell me, 'You've been my strength this whole time and I treat you so badly at moments.'

My ex never really vocally devalued me to my face, at least from what I can remember. It was more like, a gradual increase of silence toward me in all forms: talking, texting, affection, etc.

It didn't really start until about a year and a half into the relationship either, so I confused it with just like, a rough landing after the honeymoon. Little that I know that her definition of a serious, long lasting relationship is literally how she felt during the honeymoon, which can never be sustained in any type of relationship.

It's sad, really, how all she wanted was comfort and security, but when she finally had it it was too much for her to handle. I will always love her in a way, and do really want her as a friend. She means a lot to me.

Your lucky Valet, the openness and the baiting is a lot worse than the silence sometimes, especially when they use the attributes you thought you had against you, It went from wow your so big to hes bigger than you, its a weird experience to say the least.

[EaglesJuju]

Thats exactly how I perceived it Eagle, im glad you agree with me as it was confusing at the start, but now it seems the only logical reason why she was doing it now. 

Jealousy stems from insecurity within the relationship. PwBPD tend to have insecure attachments. It is a causal link between insecurity--abandonment fears--self-esteem issues--emotions (anger, resentment, neediness).

[valet]

Your lucky Valet, the openness and the baiting is a lot worse than the silence sometimes, especially when they use the attributes you thought you had against you, It went from wow your so big to hes bigger than you, its a weird experience to say the least.

This is a rather situational thing, but I wouldn't have gone for any baiting tactics. I don't choose people like that to be in relationships with.

In hindsight, I'd have much more appreciated outbursts than absolutely nothing. It was like the person that I was deeply in love with didn't even care about my life, and that I could only guess that, never really having a clear picture because I at times I got literally nothing back.

That was torture beyond torture, having to see her and know that we couldn't have had longer than a five minute conversation before she completely shut me out and got lost in her own head. I had to 'guess' that she loved me, but for a while I didn't know whatsoever, other than that she stayed (and people stay for all kinds of reasons, especially pwBPD).

Silence, I've found, is the greatest control mechanism in any relationship. It was like she didn't love or hate me, that she was sometimes completely indifferent to my existence.

Either way, depending on who we are, it hurts all the same.

[peacefulmind]

Yeah, my ex complimented me a ton, was constantly showing me off to her family, and was majorly affectionate in public. When she started hurting me emotionally she had no explanation for it. She would always tell me, 'You've been my strength this whole time and I treat you so badly at moments.'

My ex never really vocally devalued me to my face, at least from what I can remember. It was more like, a gradual increase of silence toward me in all forms: talking, texting, affection, etc.

It didn't really start until about a year and a half into the relationship either, so I confused it with just like, a rough landing after the honeymoon. Little that I know that her definition of a serious, long lasting relationship is literally how she felt during the honeymoon, which can never be sustained in any type of relationship.

It's sad, really, how all she wanted was comfort and security, but when she finally had it it was too much for her to handle. I will always love her in a way, and do really want her as a friend. She means a lot to me.

This is like reading my own story... .I have also read some of the statements from jammo1989 and Bensonshays and these are picture perfect how I was idealised in the start. The compliments became less and less, and they were usually given preceding me doing something nice for my ex-BPD (which I did often during the entire relationship). I have a question about this... .I don't feel I changed anything about who I was or how I treated my ex. I was always caring, loving, supporting, and understanding with everything in my ex's life. I never said no, but instead gave my advice or opinion, and I never went back on that. So what changed? How did the honeymoon phase end so abruptly, and how is it that we do not pick up on this sudden change in relationship dynamics? I noticed that the intimacy (sex) became less and less and suddenly it could be a month in between (in the start it was several times a day every day, and I just had to do a single thing, and my ex would know exactly what I wanted, and abided to this). I once brought up the topic, asked if the attraction had lessened and if that was the case that the intimacy became so unimportant (always been a huge part for me, to be intimate with each other, and my ex ensured that he/she felt the same way... .). I was told that the honeymoon phase was over... .and that was it. No explanation whatsoever apart from those words. I let it slide and accepted the intimacy mostly would happen when my ex wanted it... .

How do we miss these clear signs? I have been in one healthy relationship my entire life (the rest also had signs of issues that I never really thought of before in the aftermath of this... .), and the attraction and physical need to be together never subsided. Maybe the number of times a day would become less, but it would still be very constant... .I know I'm being very anal about this, and bringing it into one question about sex, but it was really everything. The entire relationship changed, and I just accepted it with "honeymoon phase is over... ." What the hell?

[Tay25]

For my ex the idealization was full-on she would tell me that I'm out of her league and that I'm the best boyfriend ever. She would also constantly say you're pretty great. One specific time I recall is when I met her best friend for the first time at a local store, she later told me that after they went to the car, her friend said "WOW he's so hot" and they went crazy for a moment.

The devaluation for me happened gradually over a few months, there were frequent push/pull cycles. She started to reply to my texts with one sentence responses, stopped using emoticons, basically like she couldn't care less. I think she was either getting bored or begun to sense I wanted commitment and started to panic. She started fights every other week, usually over past incidents or anything she could think of. I remember the very last time we hung out, I called her out on some stuff and she didn't like it at all. The next morning she was very distant, I don't think we talked at all the entire ride to school. Then when we had gotten to school I said goodbye and turned to walk down another hallway and she didn't hear me. This was the final phase for her, in her mind I had wronged her, I didn't care, whatever she thought and I was black.

[jammo1989]

Yeah, my ex complimented me a ton, was constantly showing me off to her family, and was majorly affectionate in public. When she started hurting me emotionally she had no explanation for it. She would always tell me, 'You've been my strength this whole time and I treat you so badly at moments.'

My ex never really vocally devalued me to my face, at least from what I can remember. It was more like, a gradual increase of silence toward me in all forms: talking, texting, affection, etc.

It didn't really start until about a year and a half into the relationship either, so I confused it with just like, a rough landing after the honeymoon. Little that I know that her definition of a serious, long lasting relationship is literally how she felt during the honeymoon, which can never be sustained in any type of relationship.

It's sad, really, how all she wanted was comfort and security, but when she finally had it it was too much for her to handle. I will always love her in a way, and do really want her as a friend. She means a lot to me.

This is like reading my own story... .I have also read some of the statements from jammo1989 and Bensonshays and these are picture perfect how I was idealised in the start. The compliments became less and less, and they were usually given preceding me doing something nice for my ex-BPD (which I did often during the entire relationship). I have a question about this... .I don't feel I changed anything about who I was or how I treated my ex. I was always caring, loving, supporting, and understanding with everything in my ex's life. I never said no, but instead gave my advice or opinion, and I never went back on that. So what changed? How did the honeymoon phase end so abruptly, and how is it that we do not pick up on this sudden change in relationship dynamics? I noticed that the intimacy (sex) became less and less and suddenly it could be a month in between (in the start it was several times a day every day, and I just had to do a single thing, and my ex would know exactly what I wanted, and abided to this). I once brought up the topic, asked if the attraction had lessened and if that was the case that the intimacy became so unimportant (always been a huge part for me, to be intimate with each other, and my ex ensured that he/she felt the same way... .). I was told that the honeymoon phase was over... .and that was it. No explanation whatsoever apart from those words. I let it slide and accepted the intimacy mostly would happen when my ex wanted it... .

How do we miss these clear signs? I have been in one healthy relationship my entire life (the rest also had signs of issues that I never really thought of before in the aftermath of this... .), and the attraction and physical need to be together never subsided. Maybe the number of times a day would become less, but it would still be very constant... .I know I'm being very anal about this, and bringing it into one question about sex, but it was really everything. The entire relationship changed, and I just accepted it with "honeymoon phase is over... ." What the hell?

What ive come to understand is this, WE dont change as people they do, I say this because we dont have anything to hide from, we dont have to intercept impulsive behavior to the same degree as the Cluster B does.  What im mean by this is, we had matured physically and emotionally by the time of adulthood, we had also learnt about logical reasoning and morals along the way.  Where as, due to traumatic childhood experiences the Cluster B lacks a sense of self and moral reasoning on a compassionate level, to be over technical the frontal cortex of the brain which is responsible for impulsive and emotional responses is somewhat faulty.  This is why we experience the Push/Pull behavior as well as irrational responses to trivial matters.  They will often change based on the fantasy not playing out as they once expected.  For example, they may say your so amazing, the sex with you is the best ever! But its not long until we realize as well as them that these attributes they speak of have been fabricated as a means of making us stay as the protector.  My ex was very much HPD rather than BPD so the sex never reduced itself we would have it about 6 times a day up until the day she dumped me, sex with a HPD is more about getting the attention they never had as a child, where as the BPD uses it more as a means of attachment to amplify your protector responses (ill look after you, ill never leave you) The biggest thing to also mention within this context is that, the Cluster B will not and can not tolerate rejection, as soon as they feel as if you have rejected them they either sense abandonment and will run to a back up source ASAP or they will run solely on the basis that they already hate who they are, so by rejecting them you are basically playing against one of their biggest needs, and thats the need to be praised and loved by others, if you fail to abide by this she will run because they NEED others to accept them for who they are, BUT the secret here is that, no one knows who they really are, and thats just how they want it to be thats why their false image can trick even the smartest of people, and thats exactly how I experienced the downfall of the relationship, the rejection triggered a childhood trauma and that was it blocked and completely cut from her life, currently 8 months NC.