Bad day - looking for some encouragement

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Hi All,

I am 48 days post bu with my UexBPDgf who I work with.  I left our 7 month relationship after I couldn't take any more verbal abuse, control, alienation of my children, jealousy, etc.  It really ramped up after I moved in.  I was only in the house 3.5 months before I had to get out.

Like most have experienced I go back and forth between feeling there's chance and being so angry I never wanting to see her again. 

Today I am stuck on there's a chance we can make it work.  I understand I have an addiction to the love bombing and the dreams we had.  I would say the relationship followed the normal path from idealization to being painted black.

What I cant get past is how high functioning she is.  She is VERY successful at her job here.  Very well liked and respected.  Highly intelligent.  Wise.  And together we took in and became house parents for a disabled girl.  One of the ways we were going to "change the world"

During the relationship she had what I felt was great awareness of her struggles.  She would say things like she sees everything in black and white, used the term gaslighting. She knew that the raging was to push me away and test me.  As it happened more and more she figured out and told me that "I could take control of the raging and could calm her by assuring her that I would not leave"  She knew she had trust issues. 

I got her to go to therapy and work on her PTSD.  Something she had never done. (I did not know she had BPD until about the 3 month mark but did not tell her)  She did EMDR and it was successful.  She worked on sexual issues and was successful there too.  She told me that she had never felt emotion during sex so we wen through things slowly and gently and it got really good eventually.  Really good.

When the raging was getting bad we did therapy together but it was only focused on how I could stop triggering her.  Never that she had an issue.

Her primary long term relationships were with 2 abusive men.  First one physically and verbal (12 years) and the second verbally (11 years).  She said she never really felt anything for them.  She was with 3 men prior for a short time each.

So here is where I am stuck.  I wonder if the symptoms had not really shown until we got together and she was finally with someone she cared about.  She had a crush on me for 10 years before we got together.  I don't understand how her other relationships could last so long but ours so short.

So I cant get past wondering if now that we have been apart if she has better perspective on things and could overcome the illness.  Or at least make it manageable.

Crazy?

[simpleman]

Hi All,

I am 48 days post bu with my UexBPDgf who I work with.  I left our 7 month relationship after I couldn't take any more verbal abuse, control, alienation of my children, jealousy, etc.  It really ramped up after I moved in.  I was only in the house 3.5 months before I had to get out.

Like most have experienced I go back and forth between feeling there's chance and being so angry I never wanting to see her again. 

Today I am stuck on there's a chance we can make it work.  I understand I have an addiction to the love bombing and the dreams we had.  I would say the relationship followed the normal path from idealization to being painted black.

What I cant get past is how high functioning she is.  She is VERY successful at her job here.  Very well liked and respected.  Highly intelligent.  Wise.  And together we took in and became house parents for a disabled girl.  One of the ways we were going to "change the world"

During the relationship she had what I felt was great awareness of her struggles.  She would say things like she sees everything in black and white, used the term gaslighting. She knew that the raging was to push me away and test me.  As it happened more and more she figured out and told me that "I could take control of the raging and could calm her by assuring her that I would not leave"  She knew she had trust issues. 

I got her to go to therapy and work on her PTSD.  Something she had never done. (I did not know she had BPD until about the 3 month mark but did not tell her)  She did EMDR and it was successful.  She worked on sexual issues and was successful there too.  She told me that she had never felt emotion during sex so we wen through things slowly and gently and it got really good eventually.  Really good.

When the raging was getting bad we did therapy together but it was only focused on how I could stop triggering her.  Never that she had an issue.

Her primary long term relationships were with 2 abusive men.  First one physically and verbal (12 years) and the second verbally (11 years).  She said she never really felt anything for them.  She was with 3 men prior for a short time each.

So here is where I am stuck.  I wonder if the symptoms had not really shown until we got together and she was finally with someone she cared about.  She had a crush on me for 10 years before we got together.  I don't understand how her other relationships could last so long but ours so short.

So I cant get past wondering if now that we have been apart if she has better perspective on things and could overcome the illness.  Or at least make it manageable.

Crazy?

[ShadowIntheNight]

Hi All,

I am 48 days post bu with my UexBPDgf who I work with.  I left our 7 month relationship after I couldn't take any more verbal abuse, control, alienation of my children, jealousy, etc.  It really ramped up after I moved in.  I was only in the house 3.5 months before I had to get out.

Like most have experienced I go back and forth between feeling there's chance and being so angry I never wanting to see her again. 

Today I am stuck on there's a chance we can make it work.  I understand I have an addiction to the love bombing and the dreams we had.  I would say the relationship followed the normal path from idealization to being painted black.

What I cant get past is how high functioning she is.  She is VERY successful at her job here.  Very well liked and respected.  Highly intelligent.  Wise.  And together we took in and became house parents for a disabled girl.  One of the ways we were going to "change the world"

During the relationship she had what I felt was great awareness of her struggles.  She would say things like she sees everything in black and white, used the term gaslighting. She knew that the raging was to push me away and test me.  As it happened more and more she figured out and told me that "I could take control of the raging and could calm her by assuring her that I would not leave"  She knew she had trust issues. 

I got her to go to therapy and work on her PTSD.  Something she had never done. (I did not know she had BPD until about the 3 month mark but did not tell her)  She did EMDR and it was successful.  She worked on sexual issues and was successful there too.  She told me that she had never felt emotion during sex so we wen through things slowly and gently and it got really good eventually.  Really good.

When the raging was getting bad we did therapy together but it was only focused on how I could stop triggering her.  Never that she had an issue.

Her primary long term relationships were with 2 abusive men.  First one physically and verbal (12 years) and the second verbally (11 years).  She said she never really felt anything for them.  She was with 3 men prior for a short time each.

So here is where I am stuck.  I wonder if the symptoms had not really shown until we got together and she was finally with someone she cared about.  She had a crush on me for 10 years before we got together.  I don't understand how her other relationships could last so long but ours so short.

So I cant get past wondering if now that we have been apart if she has better perspective on things and could overcome the illness.  Or at least make it manageable.

Crazy?

The only thing I can really say here is that your ex was in two very long term relationships and "she said she felt nothing for them." I don't know her, but that is probably a bunch of bunk. And if you're sad because you didn't get to last as long the others, then you are looking at this backwards. You are probably wanting the good feelings back thinking that you can either fix her, that maybe things aren't as they seem, or that no one gets her like you.

That is bunk. You will wear yourself out, probably like the fellows who were with her 11 & 12 years and at the end of the day she will still be gone. Love doesn't matter, hate doesn't matter, being a contortionist for her won't matter. She'll still find a reason to leave you, good or bad.

You are betting your life on "what if." That's a big bet to make considering what she has shown you of herself in the short term. I thought everything was going well, that finally my uBexgf was stable and secure. Last year, after 9.5 years together, a court battle with her exH became "life altering," and she left with absolutely no explanation other than what I told you there. And not even to my face but in a note. That's what you would probably have to look forward to if you stay long term with someone who has this emotional disorder.

[Achaya]

I'm so sorry simple man, I am only 3 weeks from BU and I go through these same thoughts every day. My ex is also an impressive person. I knew her for a few years prior to getting romantically involved. She attracts special attention from mentors every place she works, and earns a lot more money than is typical for someone with her educational background. After I knew her for a while and was telling her how impressed I was with her, she told me that there was another side to it, she had several psychiatric diagnoses. She was aware that she makes a positive impression and can sustain it for long periods of time with people who don't get too close. She said she thought that no one in her circle was aware of "the real level of disturbance." At this point, I couldn't agree more.

The problem was that the insight and personal strengths weren't enough to get her to address her issues. PwBPDs apparently are not inclined to take that responsibility for a number of reasons. Mostly they are people who feel things and act them out, not people who seek understanding or structured solutions to problems. They tend to leave that to others who are taking care of them. I spent a lot of time trying to get my ex to read things, talk about her issues or ours, apply communication skills, etc. It was always my agenda and I wasn't able to mobilize her. I think she liked the attention, but didn't respond as an adult partner should, by helping me solve the problems that were hurting both of us.

I observe in your post that your ex is not coming to you with her new knowledge about herself and asking you for another chance to work on your relationship together. In addition, I would guess that neither of you has come up with a specific plan for how the withdrawal and devaluation periods will be moderated or aborted next time around. Until those two things happen, and your ex is actively participating with you in a recovery program with a documented success rate, I don't think anything has changed about your situation. I am so sorry, I know how much you long for any sign that she will join you in wanting to fix the relationship.

[zundertowz]

Hi All,

I am 48 days post bu with my UexBPDgf who I work with.  I left our 7 month relationship after I couldn't take any more verbal abuse, control, alienation of my children, jealousy, etc.  It really ramped up after I moved in.  I was only in the house 3.5 months before I had to get out.

Like most have experienced I go back and forth between feeling there's chance and being so angry I never wanting to see her again. 

Today I am stuck on there's a chance we can make it work.  I understand I have an addiction to the love bombing and the dreams we had.  I would say the relationship followed the normal path from idealization to being painted black.

What I cant get past is how high functioning she is.  She is VERY successful at her job here.  Very well liked and respected.  Highly intelligent.  Wise.  And together we took in and became house parents for a disabled girl.  One of the ways we were going to "change the world"

During the relationship she had what I felt was great awareness of her struggles.  She would say things like she sees everything in black and white, used the term gaslighting. She knew that the raging was to push me away and test me.  As it happened more and more she figured out and told me that "I could take control of the raging and could calm her by assuring her that I would not leave"  She knew she had trust issues. 

I got her to go to therapy and work on her PTSD.  Something she had never done. (I did not know she had BPD until about the 3 month mark but did not tell her)  She did EMDR and it was successful.  She worked on sexual issues and was successful there too.  She told me that she had never felt emotion during sex so we wen through things slowly and gently and it got really good eventually.  Really good.

When the raging was getting bad we did therapy together but it was only focused on how I could stop triggering her.  Never that she had an issue.

Her primary long term relationships were with 2 abusive men.  First one physically and verbal (12 years) and the second verbally (11 years).  She said she never really felt anything for them.  She was with 3 men prior for a short time each.

So here is where I am stuck.  I wonder if the symptoms had not really shown until we got together and she was finally with someone she cared about.  She had a crush on me for 10 years before we got together.  I don't understand how her other relationships could last so long but ours so short.

So I cant get past wondering if now that we have been apart if she has better perspective on things and could overcome the illness.  Or at least make it manageable.

Crazy?

What sticks out to me in your post is that she had two exes that she didn't love and was abusived by... .Id be willing to bet my life that those 2 things are probably B.S... .classic BPD.  If I were you I would take some time apart and work on you.

[Pou]

simpleman, I am stuck with a NPDw… so in a way, take what I am about to say with grain of salt.

Knowing what I know today about PDs and reading what you wrote.  It is somewhat clear to me the info that she is feeding you about her past are a form of manipulation.  I would discredit everything she has to tell you and believe nothing.  The fact that she knows the "right" words in the PD world and agree to take therapy means that she has caused the similar harm to her past two partners and so these are old topics for her.  Now, it is about you.  :)o you have faith that she could change ?  PDs are charmers… especially NPDs.  My wife is very charming to get what she wants and she can be extremely cold once she gets what she wants.  She doesn't have empathy, but for what she is lacking she disguise by being quiet and silent.  So one can not really figure her out if you don't know her.  I know her, so I know when she goes quiet and silent, there is a storm brewing inside … and she will lash it out effectively with emotions to disguise her irrationality.  So if you don't know her, she will use different technics to charm and manipulate you and at work.  If you never encounter a PD, you are no contest to their games of manipulations.  So you ask (and I ask too), can PDs be changed?  My experience has to do with NPD …. in my opinion after years of living with one.  I really don't see a way.  To change, there must be a motivation that push them to change.  If NPDs don't have empathy, then it is hard wanting to change without that emotional component.  Say, I think it is unlikely.  It would be like betting on winning a Powerball.  I know you share a adopted child and I know it is hard to make changes because you care about the child.  My advice would be continue to engage with her (for the sake of the child), but protect yourself from "believing" stories that she tell you … my experience has been that I feel worthless when I fall for her lies.  I don't know if in your case you are with a NPD, but be careful, NPDs are ruthless.  If you are a person with empathy, you will never understand them.  I am still having hard time everyday … trying to piece all together.  Good luck to you and don't believe in "anything" you hear from her.  Use your own power of observation and make conclusions from there.