I didn't break contact, I have my ex blocked on facebook, and I finally blocked phone numbers but after hanging out with my kids last night, on the long drive home back to my parent's house I found myself stopping at a Target that her and I would go to a lot. It was an instant trigger and I knew it would happen, and I've done this before too. I think part of me does this wondering if I will run into her, even though I get scared at the fact of running into her. I also think well maybe I'll run into her friend, or someone that will then go back and tell her "hey confused looks good."
Thing is I have to completely shut the door to the past. It's one thing to deal with Triggers when they naturally happen but to go seek them out is not good for me. I should've just stayed in the car and stayed on the interstate.
I would be betraying everything I worked for. Towards the end one of the reasons we broke up is because of a message she sent to my kids about their mom. She was also trying to control how I raised my kids, and much like IrishPride that is a no go for me.
I've also learned that I dont' want to personally play the victim role anymore. It's been three months this month since we broke up, and two and a half months since I saw her last. I realisitically will not run into her again. She is alive because I breath life into her through my pain and suffering. She hasn't attempted to contact me, even when she was unblocked. She moved on to a new man within two weeks. Why do I do this to myself? This was a woman that verbally abused me, emotionally abused me, kicked me once in a drunken rage and didn't remember, threatened suicide as a way to try to keep me there (and two weeks later she moved on to someone else). We lived together the last seven months and there were some moments of fun but the majority of it was my head confused as to who this person is, why does she treat her best friend and love like this.
Well it's because I can be man enough now to say it, I allowed it to happen. I didn't assert my boundaries. I was the typical nice guy that thought if I give her what she wants, then I'll be rewarded with my needs. Yes she rewarded me with sex but that was so she could fill her needs (maybe pun intended a bit,
). There was some affection and true intimacy. I miss that.
But I can still remember the look in her eyes when she was sending that text message to the kids, a look of child like I'm doing this and I don't care if I ruin my relationship with them. Then she couldn't understand why they didn't want to be around her anymore.
I let her walk all over me. It wasn't right and she shouldn't have done it but I didn't stand up for myself either. I was too afraid of not having someone, sucking on that validation pipe she offered, needing to hear her tell me I'm attractive, I'm nice, etc instead of knowing it and believing it myself.
I had such an emptiness I didn't provide my own happiness, I looked towards others. I was afraid to rock the boat.
So yeah I still feel ugly (even though I'm not). I still feel unloveable (even though I am). But I have to get past this issues. Going back is not an option. I know how the movie would play out.
Besides, she showed me more of who she was in the last month in her actions, than her words could ever make up for.
I'm a great person and I deserve to be treated with respect, same as I give to others.
The one problem I have is that I still have her physical looks up on a pedestal when I shouldn't. She is attractive but her inside makes her ugly. Part of it is my insecurity thinking I lucked out. I've had numerous friends now tell me they didn't know what I saw in her. I have to believe in myself before others will.
It will be a long hard road, and I cry. I also know I loved her. She was broken and I stupidly wanted to help her not out of some need to be superior, but because the person I thought I knew was amazing. When she showed me who I thought her true self was it was amazing. But she is broken. She put some duct tape on all her breaks and is with this new man now. He will get the same treatment too. She will drink a little too much and go off on him for something.
I'm just glad for his sake he doesn't have any children for her to break their hearts like she did with mine.
I really hope I don't see her again. The best revenge is to live a good life, and I'm trying to fix me now
