said final goodbye yesterday, so hard

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

My ex came over yesterday while I was away and picked up the last of her belongings. She left a note and we exchanged a couple texts. I was doing better before this happened, but I have been having a rough time ever since. I knew the grief would be worse for a while after the last goodbye, as I do not plan to ever see her again, and she has been the center of my world, my heart and my mind for the past 5 years. My ex was telling me up to the last that I can call her for any reason, any time, and she wants me in her life. "I will love you forever," and I believe she does and will, but just not in the way she did when she said she was "in love" with me and would be with me forever.

I keep trying to put my finger on why this BU is so incredibly painful. I think it is the irrevocable sudden loss (actually repeated many times) of the person I was in love with, the one who was in love with me. Her body is still here alive, and she appears to have all of her emotions intact, but the "in love" feeling for me isn't part of her anymore. Now she is someone who is eager to have me "in her life," and she feels no pain, no loss, in the thought of us being "friends" or whatever she has in mind. She has been loving and warm, affectionate and emotional during the BU, focusing constantly on "how I have hurt you." It stabbed like a knife every time she said it, with me hearing between the lines that she isn't hurting that much, if at all, apart from her self judgements for hurting me.

I feel a terrible emptiness, dark despair, an inability to even think about a future that I will have to face without her at my side. I am not prone to feelings of emptiness and I wonder if she has infected me with her mind states. Maybe when she abandoned me this way, with one part of her just disappearing, it created that feeling.

I know that I will come out of this experience knowing and understanding myself and others better than I did before. I am afraid, however, about whether I will ever feel happy again, or even neutral, or whether there is any hope of finding love again. I stop those kinds of thoughts now and try to stay with the here and now. It helps. I will face the coming hours as they come, but without my heart in it. I feel like my ex cut out the center and took it with her. I hope she uses it well. All I feel that is positive right now is relief to be finally on NC status.   

[Achaya]

My ex came over yesterday while I was away and picked up the last of her belongings. She left a note and we exchanged a couple texts. I was doing better before this happened, but I have been having a rough time ever since. I knew the grief would be worse for a while after the last goodbye, as I do not plan to ever see her again, and she has been the center of my world, my heart and my mind for the past 5 years. My ex was telling me up to the last that I can call her for any reason, any time, and she wants me in her life. "I will love you forever," and I believe she does and will, but just not in the way she did when she said she was "in love" with me and would be with me forever.

I keep trying to put my finger on why this BU is so incredibly painful. I think it is the irrevocable sudden loss (actually repeated many times) of the person I was in love with, the one who was in love with me. Her body is still here alive, and she appears to have all of her emotions intact, but the "in love" feeling for me isn't part of her anymore. Now she is someone who is eager to have me "in her life," and she feels no pain, no loss, in the thought of us being "friends" or whatever she has in mind. She has been loving and warm, affectionate and emotional during the BU, focusing constantly on "how I have hurt you." It stabbed like a knife every time she said it, with me hearing between the lines that she isn't hurting that much, if at all, apart from her self judgements for hurting me.

I feel a terrible emptiness, dark despair, an inability to even think about a future that I will have to face without her at my side. I am not prone to feelings of emptiness and I wonder if she has infected me with her mind states. Maybe when she abandoned me this way, with one part of her just disappearing, it created that feeling.

I know that I will come out of this experience knowing and understanding myself and others better than I did before. I am afraid, however, about whether I will ever feel happy again, or even neutral, or whether there is any hope of finding love again. I stop those kinds of thoughts now and try to stay with the here and now. It helps. I will face the coming hours as they come, but without my heart in it. I feel like my ex cut out the center and took it with her. I hope she uses it well. All I feel that is positive right now is relief to be finally on NC status.   

[DyingLove]

My ex came over yesterday while I was away and picked up the last of her belongings. She left a note and we exchanged a couple texts. I was doing better before this happened, but I have been having a rough time ever since. I knew the grief would be worse for a while after the last goodbye, as I do not plan to ever see her again, and she has been the center of my world, my heart and my mind for the past 5 years. My ex was telling me up to the last that I can call her for any reason, any time, and she wants me in her life. "I will love you forever," and I believe she does and will, but just not in the way she did when she said she was "in love" with me and would be with me forever.

I keep trying to put my finger on why this BU is so incredibly painful. I think it is the irrevocable sudden loss (actually repeated many times) of the person I was in love with, the one who was in love with me. Her body is still here alive, and she appears to have all of her emotions intact, but the "in love" feeling for me isn't part of her anymore. Now she is someone who is eager to have me "in her life," and she feels no pain, no loss, in the thought of us being "friends" or whatever she has in mind. She has been loving and warm, affectionate and emotional during the BU, focusing constantly on "how I have hurt you." It stabbed like a knife every time she said it, with me hearing between the lines that she isn't hurting that much, if at all, apart from her self judgements for hurting me.

I feel a terrible emptiness, dark despair, an inability to even think about a future that I will have to face without her at my side. I am not prone to feelings of emptiness and I wonder if she has infected me with her mind states. Maybe when she abandoned me this way, with one part of her just disappearing, it created that feeling.

I know that I will come out of this experience knowing and understanding myself and others better than I did before. I am afraid, however, about whether I will ever feel happy again, or even neutral, or whether there is any hope of finding love again. I stop those kinds of thoughts now and try to stay with the here and now. It helps. I will face the coming hours as they come, but without my heart in it. I feel like my ex cut out the center and took it with her. I hope she uses it well. All I feel that is positive right now is relief to be finally on NC status.   

Love to you Achaya.  We all know how hard and devastating this is. Keep posting and look here for comfort that you need.  Maybe between us all we can take the pieces of our hearts and make one super good one that works and won't be taken advantage of.  We are here for you.

[Irish Pride]

My ex came over yesterday while I was away and picked up the last of her belongings. She left a note and we exchanged a couple texts. I was doing better before this happened, but I have been having a rough time ever since. I knew the grief would be worse for a while after the last goodbye, as I do not plan to ever see her again, and she has been the center of my world, my heart and my mind for the past 5 years. My ex was telling me up to the last that I can call her for any reason, any time, and she wants me in her life. "I will love you forever," and I believe she does and will, but just not in the way she did when she said she was "in love" with me and would be with me forever.

I keep trying to put my finger on why this BU is so incredibly painful. I think it is the irrevocable sudden loss (actually repeated many times) of the person I was in love with, the one who was in love with me. Her body is still here alive, and she appears to have all of her emotions intact, but the "in love" feeling for me isn't part of her anymore. Now she is someone who is eager to have me "in her life," and she feels no pain, no loss, in the thought of us being "friends" or whatever she has in mind. She has been loving and warm, affectionate and emotional during the BU, focusing constantly on "how I have hurt you." It stabbed like a knife every time she said it, with me hearing between the lines that she isn't hurting that much, if at all, apart from her self judgements for hurting me.

I feel a terrible emptiness, dark despair, an inability to even think about a future that I will have to face without her at my side. I am not prone to feelings of emptiness and I wonder if she has infected me with her mind states. Maybe when she abandoned me this way, with one part of her just disappearing, it created that feeling.

I know that I will come out of this experience knowing and understanding myself and others better than I did before. I am afraid, however, about whether I will ever feel happy again, or even neutral, or whether there is any hope of finding love again. I stop those kinds of thoughts now and try to stay with the here and now. It helps. I will face the coming hours as they come, but without my heart in it. I feel like my ex cut out the center and took it with her. I hope she uses it well. All I feel that is positive right now is relief to be finally on NC status.    

Love to you Achaya.  We all know how hard and devastating this is. Keep posting and look here for comfort that you need.  Maybe between us all we can take the pieces of our hearts and make one super good one that works and won't be taken advantage of.  We are here for you.

Agreed!

I know it's a very black place you're in now. We were/are there, too. I'm still not fully out of the woods and it's been over 6 months. You have the right attitude ("I know that I will come out of this experience knowing and understanding myself and others better than I did before.". Personally, I'm not mad, or upset with her. I HATE the disorder. I HATE what it's doing to her, I HATE what it's done to other's and I HATE what it's done to me. And I simply will not allow it to turn me into something I'm not. I made it personal. Get mad at the disorder. Help those that it hurts. Refuse to let it take you down. Fight it.

Keep posting, keep talking and it will get better

P.S. - Massive kudos for saying the final goodbye! Completely detach and accept the finality of it. Proud of you!

[jhkbuzz]

My ex came over yesterday while I was away and picked up the last of her belongings. She left a note and we exchanged a couple texts. I was doing better before this happened, but I have been having a rough time ever since. I knew the grief would be worse for a while after the last goodbye, as I do not plan to ever see her again, and she has been the center of my world, my heart and my mind for the past 5 years. My ex was telling me up to the last that I can call her for any reason, any time, and she wants me in her life. "I will love you forever," and I believe she does and will, but just not in the way she did when she said she was "in love" with me and would be with me forever.

I keep trying to put my finger on why this BU is so incredibly painful. I think it is the irrevocable sudden loss (actually repeated many times) of the person I was in love with, the one who was in love with me. Her body is still here alive, and she appears to have all of her emotions intact, but the "in love" feeling for me isn't part of her anymore. Now she is someone who is eager to have me "in her life," and she feels no pain, no loss, in the thought of us being "friends" or whatever she has in mind. She has been loving and warm, affectionate and emotional during the BU, focusing constantly on "how I have hurt you." It stabbed like a knife every time she said it, with me hearing between the lines that she isn't hurting that much, if at all, apart from her self judgements for hurting me.

I feel a terrible emptiness, dark despair, an inability to even think about a future that I will have to face without her at my side. I am not prone to feelings of emptiness and I wonder if she has infected me with her mind states. Maybe when she abandoned me this way, with one part of her just disappearing, it created that feeling.

I know that I will come out of this experience knowing and understanding myself and others better than I did before. I am afraid, however, about whether I will ever feel happy again, or even neutral, or whether there is any hope of finding love again. I stop those kinds of thoughts now and try to stay with the here and now. It helps. I will face the coming hours as they come, but without my heart in it. I feel like my ex cut out the center and took it with her. I hope she uses it well. All I feel that is positive right now is relief to be finally on NC status.   

Your post brought tears to my eyes... .I am so, so sorry for your pain.   

This is what I can tell you:  it will suck for a while, but over time it WILL get better.  You WILL heal.  You WILL move forward. You will.

[Achaya]

Thank you so much you guys! Your heartfelt responses mean a lot to me and I will think on all your advice.

I talked to my T today and between you and him and my own efforts I am feeling better now. Exhausted though. The intensity of the grief and the rumination, along with the insomnia and appetite suppression is making me feel run down. I think I can turn more attention to health goals now that I have a lot more time to myself, and I need to do so. I am setting a gentle goal of increasing exercise and making better food choices this week.

[ThanksForPlaying]

Great post on final goodbyes.  I can tell you ... .non-final goodbyes can be even worse with BPDs because of the push/pull.

We live together.  She complained so much about the living situation (it's an expensive high-rise) that she decided she absolutely had to move out closer to her S7 who she has partial custody of.  She made the decision that she needs to move out, and when I set my boundary that I'm not moving, she said I'm abandoning her.  To recap, I live in the same place, she moved in with me, I've never said that I would move anywhere else, but now that she wants to move out, I'm kicking her out and abandoning her.  The problem is that she's getting increasingly more violent and aggressive as the move-out date approaches, to the point where I think I need to move out to avoid contact.

[rickdeckard]

Thank you so much you guys! Your heartfelt responses mean a lot to me and I will think on all your advice.

I talked to my T today and between you and him and my own efforts I am feeling better now. Exhausted though. The intensity of the grief and the rumination, along with the insomnia and appetite suppression is making me feel run down. I think I can turn more attention to health goals now that I have a lot more time to myself, and I need to do so. I am setting a gentle goal of increasing exercise and making better food choices this week.

May hugs to you, my friend. And tears shed for you

I have experienced the appetite suppression and the insomnia. It's a a one-two punch, you don't eat then you dont sleep then you dont eat than you don't sleep... .the thoughts loop over and over and over... .

I am happy to hear you are trying to break out of it. Focusing on yourself.

Embrace YOU. Remember who YOU are. Set an anchor in times before. Even simple ones... .as a child, stomping in puddles or throwing rocks at a fence... .remember that YOU are not that R/S. You are YOU.

[cosmonaut]

I'm so sorry for your pain, Achaya.  It is a brutally painful experience.  I can only say that eventually it will get easier.  For now, the very best thing is to take care of you.  Recognize that you are in deep grief and you have been wounded in a very core way.  Abandonment grief is a special type of grief that shares quite a bit with trauma.  There will be time to address those deeper hurts, but for now just be good to yourself.  Let yourself feel your feelings.  Give yourself permission to grieve.  Try and eat well, get enough sleep, and other very basic things.  These are accomplishments right now when you are in this much pain.  Nurture you right now.  Be good to you.  You deserve it.

[rickdeckard]

I'm so sorry for your pain, Achaya.  It is a brutally painful experience.  I can only say that eventually it will get easier.  For now, the very best thing is to take care of you.  Recognize that you are in deep grief and you have been wounded in a very core way.  Abandonment grief is a special type of grief that shares quite a bit with trauma.  There will be time to address those deeper hurts, but for now just be good to yourself.  Let yourself feel your feelings.  Give yourself permission to grieve.  Try and eat well, get enough sleep, and other very basic things.  These are accomplishments right now when you are in this much pain.  Nurture you right now.  Be good to you.  You deserve it.

Seconded Cosmo is better with words than I.

[Achaya]

Recognize that you are in deep grief and you have been wounded in a very core way.  Abandonment grief is a special type of grief that shares quite a bit with trauma.  There will be time to address those deeper hurts, but for now just be good to yourself.  Let yourself feel your feelings.  Give yourself permission to grieve. 

These is good advice for me Cosmonaut! I tend to push myself to accomplish things, and often ride over my emotional needs, especially when I am so vulnerable and injured. I recognized yesterday that I need to act like one of the most important relationships of my life just ended, and that the closing of the door just happened two days ago.

All the encouragement I have received from the people on this thread and elsewhere to share my feelings is also really helpful. The main reason I was able to stay in an non-mutual relationship is that I valued my partner's needs, feelings and preferences more than my own. I need to learn how to reach out to people who are likely to respond in the ways I need.

Thank you so much, everyone on this thread. This is the most emotional support I have received from anyone other than my T in a very long time.

[OnceConfused]

Winston Churchill said it well years ago:

WHen you are going through hell, keep going ... .


My friend, the pain of any separation will be hard because you are mourning the loss the hope and the future you had envisioned.  BUt you have to keep going. And the pain and the missing will go from hourly events, to daily, to weekly and monthly, then one day it will be just another moment. Time will heal all things and you will have to let time take its course.

The best way to lessen the pain as you are going through hell is to find and focus on the positive aspects of why you left. For me, the positives included my freedom, no more walking on eggshells, no more looking over my shoulders for a knife from my xBPDgf.

Keep reminding yourself of  why you left. Not the good time you might have had with her.