Do I have a problem? I seem to be moving on way too fast?

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

So it has only been 6 weeks since we are officially separated, we have a young son together, week on and off.

I find myself moving on really well, but then after I read everyone else's posts, I feel like I'm moving on a bit too fast? Seems like a lot of people take month if not years to get over their BPD ex.   We've been together 7 years, 4 out 7 married.

At this point, I feel NO REMORSE, I'm so glad that I'm out of the situation and I feel like I'm stone cold towards her right now, she can die right now for all I care, but it won't be fair to my son.

Last Friday, it was my schedule to pick up my son from childcare. It was also her Birthday. My friend asked if I either emailed/text her happy birthday, my reply was "nope. what for?". My friend said "man, you are stone cold,  she doesn't have her son with her on her own birthday."  It kind of started to mess with my head a bit, especially this week.

The thing is, she never appreciated what I do for her anyway, so why be nice to her now that we are separated? If I emailed her,  I have 99% confidence that she will say something like "No need. I have people to spend this special day with" or something similar... .she was always like that. Not that I'm afraid of rejection, but just didn't feel like wasting my time.  My kindness should be reserved for those who appreciate it.

I've been reading about BPDs tend to be in relationships with someone who also suffers from PDs of some sort... .now I"m questioning myself if I have some sort of PDs, moving on to this stage only after 6 weeks?

What do you think?

Thanks guys.

[LeonVa]

So it has only been 6 weeks since we are officially separated, we have a young son together, week on and off.

I find myself moving on really well, but then after I read everyone else's posts, I feel like I'm moving on a bit too fast? Seems like a lot of people take month if not years to get over their BPD ex.   We've been together 7 years, 4 out 7 married.

At this point, I feel NO REMORSE, I'm so glad that I'm out of the situation and I feel like I'm stone cold towards her right now, she can die right now for all I care, but it won't be fair to my son.

Last Friday, it was my schedule to pick up my son from childcare. It was also her Birthday. My friend asked if I either emailed/text her happy birthday, my reply was "nope. what for?". My friend said "man, you are stone cold,  she doesn't have her son with her on her own birthday."  It kind of started to mess with my head a bit, especially this week.

The thing is, she never appreciated what I do for her anyway, so why be nice to her now that we are separated? If I emailed her,  I have 99% confidence that she will say something like "No need. I have people to spend this special day with" or something similar... .she was always like that. Not that I'm afraid of rejection, but just didn't feel like wasting my time.  My kindness should be reserved for those who appreciate it.

I've been reading about BPDs tend to be in relationships with someone who also suffers from PDs of some sort... .now I"m questioning myself if I have some sort of PDs, moving on to this stage only after 6 weeks?

What do you think?

Thanks guys.

[McGahee21]

u might be just over it, im still not.  but there are days where i dont care or my feelings are really low for her and im like what the heck was i doing... .everyone is differe t

[ShadowIntheNight]

My uBPDexgf's exH never looked back after she divorced him. I believe he was having an affair (couldn't tell you if it was physical as she lived 1700 miles from him.) while he was married to my ex. I often wondered why this guy never drove by my exgf's house to see who might be there, never questioned her as to who their kids were around, indeed seemed pretty ok with the divorce.

Originally I figured it was just the affair. But in retrospect, I suspect it was because he was so over her there was no way he was going back or wanted to go back. I know she was a rager with him, I also know she is a lousy housekeeper. She had the nerve to say something about some things lying around his home once and her place was a pig sty!

Having said that, I'm not implying you have had an affair. What I am saying is that my ex's exH was so clearly over her after 10 years that he has never missed her. and i feel sure I can say ever. Neither of them tried to reconcile and he is since remarried. So it's possible to move on with nary a concern.

[FannyB]

Leon

For most of us the time together was relatively short - characterized by an abrupt change in her feelings prior to the end. This can really fcuk someone up. You, on the other hand, had probably become heartily sick of her over the 7 year period and fully grasped what she was about. It's onwards and upwards for you man! 

[ThanksForPlaying]

Good luck Leon - glad your head seems to be in the right place

I don't think there's any problem with it, but I would warn you to keep an eye out for trouble if you plan on dating soon.  Sometimes the BPD relationships start with a whirlwind - just don't move too quickly right into another one.

Speaking from experience, I was cruising along, glad to be rid of the BPD, feeling great, met a great girl within a couple weeks, ignored many of the same red flags.  My own fault though for moving too fast.  Like to think I'm a little wiser now, but clearly I have some attraction to the highs of pd relationships.

[valet]

Deep down I started thinking of leaving my relationship with my uPWDex about 8 months before she broke up with me, but I dismissed my own feelings as fears of commitment and impulsive urges.

I think that that period of misery has really helped me move on quickly. It has only been about 3 months and I am already starting to feel like myself (my whole self) once again. The future is bright.

In hindsight, there are probably some things that could have been more damaging to me, and any kind of future friendship with her. I was almost convinced that she was cheating on me, but could never find any real proof even after snooping in her Facebook messages and reading her diary on one occasion. Crappy move on my point; will never violate anyone's privacy like that again.

For all I know, however, my suspicions were true, but it doesn't matter either way. If she were to tell me now it wouldn't bother me that much, as I've already accepted it as a possible fact. Honestly though, I think she did the right thing by not telling me. She was/is very important to me, and I wouldn't have wanted a few bad decisions interfering with my core judgement of her, which is that she is just a good person with some very deep emotional problems.

[LeonVa]

Thanks guys. I was just trying to check and see if I'm normal. I did some online pd tests, narcissist and all, came out all negative. That was a bit of a relief.

I do have to admit, I could have handled her a lot better if I joined this forum a bit earlier and actively participated. I had a distinction outburst during out last and final fight, I should have instead calmly asked for divorce instead. The outburst was unnecessary. Since then, I bought 9 BPD related books, some are actually helpful to improve myself overall.

@Valet, you have a good point. Thinking back, I think I was unconsciously preparing for divorce 1 year before our separation, she asked for divorce jokingly or otherwise almost on a monthly basis, I think I just eventually started to agree with her.

@Shadow, yeah I did not have an affair, although I suspect she did, but it was just a feeling, no hard proof, I think she just flirted a bit too much, but not necessarily crossed the line... .yet... .I just didn't care towards the last few month.  That should have been a warning sign to myself already.  Oh yeah, funny thing you mentioned, my ex-wife is #11 of a 12 children family. She kept complaining about I don't keep the house nice and clean when I WAS THE ONLY person cleaned! 4 years of marriage, she cleaned maybe once a year! I don't even want to get into how messy her siblings house are, not sure what she was complaining.


@ThanksForPlaying. Thanks for the warning. Yeah, I was planning on getting back to the dating scene and the funny thing is, I met a beautiful divorced girl two weeks ago, talked about why I divorced, I mentioned my exwife is a BPD, the girl told me that she's a diagnosed BPD in treatment currently (DBT).  I asked the forum of opinions, since then, I dropped her. Not worth the trouble.

@FannyB,  you are right, 7 year period is enough for me, I really know her inside out. I completely lost all hope on her. Thanks for the encouragement!

and @Mchaee21, thanks, yes, I guess I'm truly over her given I unconsciously started 1  year before our official separation.  Time to move on.

Thanks a lot guys, keep fighting for ourselves!

[cosmonaut]

Everyone heals at their own pace.  Some people recover faster than others.  It's common to move forward and then back a little again.  It's not a completely linear process.

You may be progressing quickly if you were already processing some of this before the breakup.  It's also not uncommon to be in a state of shock for a while after the breakup.  For myself, the worst depression hit about 2-3 months in when it really set in how permanent this was.

The main thing to to keep working on yourself.  I have seen so often on these boards how many of us have some deep, very old wounds that have not been addressed.  Anger is a very necessary part of the grieving process, but perhaps the degree of anger you have could be indicative of a deeper wound.  For me, the anger was bubbling up from deep wells of hurt - some of it very old.  I can't say if this is true for you, but I wouldn't be surprised it if is.  It is for many of us here.

[LeonVa]

Thanks @cosmonaut.  I do feel there is a deep wound in my heart, just not sure where it is yet... .could go all the way back to this ex girlfriend I had in my early 20s... .that relationship, really messed me up for a year or two, not sure if it's related yet.

The the third and fourth week was the hardest for me. I went from depressed, to super angry, calm down, then back and forth.  Fifth and Sixth week I suddenly realized I did everything I could do, a good husband, a good father, paid for everything, literally everything and then I ended up talking to this diagnosed BPD girl, then I realized it's really hard for them to change especially if they don't accept it themselves and it's just not worth it.

I'll still have to see though. Hope I don't relapse at 3 month.  Improve and take are of myself is really the key here.

[Sunfl0wer]

Sounds like you started processing things a long while ago.

However, just in case... .

I was initially not as emotional as everyone else.  Then all of a sudden it hit me.  Now I realize that even tho I "knew" he was leaving, part of me didn't believe it.  I was appearing cold and coping well, because I was in shock.  Then the feelings started slowly setting in... .first like a slap in the face... .now more on and off seeping their way around.

[LeonVa]

@sunflower, to be honest, if my exwife didn't lash out and called the police with false allegations, I probably would still hang on there, so part of me still couldn't believe it happened as well, but it did.

I guess I'm somewhat practical, we can not roll back in time, so move forward. My only trigger right now is whenever my son is not with me, during my off week, I sometimes feel the resentment that my son had to suffer through this, but then I guess it's better for him to not see us fight on a month to month basis if not week to week.