Here is my story in 50 words or less.

[DyingLove]

Here is my story in 50 words or less.

Man see's woman

Woman see's man

Man likes woman

Woman likes man

Man meets woman

Woman meets man

Man courts woman

Woman enjoys the courting

Man loves woman

Woman loves man

Man sacrifices much to be with woman

Woman sits back and waits for man to come into HER life

Man makes adjustments to new environment and new family

Woman goes to work and comes home daily to man

Man is crazy about woman and would and does ANYTHING for her

Woman enjoys the safety and care and love provided her

Man see's some strange things happening intermittently

Woman does strange things intermittently

Time Passes

Man loses himself, has no friends, can do no right (in woman's eyes)

Woman devalues man

Woman antagonizes man

Woman makes man question many things including his worth

Woman continues in her life that Man AND Woman cultivated

Woman creates perfect environment for a B/U

Woman initiates B/U

Man falls apart

Man leaves because Woman wants him too.

Man is left alone as a shadow of what he was in the beginning.

I'd say that I feel correct about being a victim. My biggest mistake was thinking that she was the last woman in my life. ONE OF HER MISTAKES was making me feel that way and even TELLING ME THAT WE WERE FOREVER. There are many more things that make this story complex, but basically it's pretty cut and dry minus the details. :-(

(I know it was more than 50 words)



Mod note: Split from: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=276367.0

[fred6]

I don't post much anymore, but I try to skim over the leaving forum every couple days. But I thought that I would leave my input.

I can't speak for anyone else or their situations. My situation was similar to the post above by DyingLove. At the time of the BU I applied a label to my ex out of being very hurt by her actions. I wouldn't have the heart to do half of what she did to me to someone else, much less someone that I was in a 3+ year relationship with and that I supposedly loved. It was the worst thing that I've ever been through in my life.

I know that I have my issues and did things wrong in the relationship. But I also know that I was very good to that woman. That's why it was such a "shock" to my system when it all seemed to fall apart in just a few days. The things she did to me and the way she treated me was wrong. However, in the 7.5 months since, I have realized that I allowed it to happen.

Is she BPD?

Is she just a selfish ___ jerk?

Is she bat___ crazy?

Who cares ? I'll probably still vent every once in a while, but at this point I could care less either way what she is. All I know is that she's a hurtful person and not someone that I want in my life. End of story. Goodbye and good riddance.

The real thing to obsess about is how do you trust another person again after someone has betrayed you so badly? How do you trust yourself to grant someone else trust after you have allowed someone to betray you so badly?

[going places]

When I first came to this site, I asked, more than once "is there such thing as just an evil person? a Jack arce of a person?

1. It makes me wonder, are we making the diagnosis based on how hurt our feeling are, or based on the psychology of our ex?

Because of the prolonged abuse I lived with, then the intense abuse the final 3 years of the marriage, I was looking for answers.

I was told by a pastor/counselor, it was MY fault... .and never talk to ANYONE EVER about what happened.

I was told by my doctor that the pastor/counselor was an idiot and I was suffering from PTSD and depression. This was one YEAR after the pastor/counselor told me to zip it, and tell no one.

i would not take drugs or see a P or T, but did go to an abuse advocate at the local outreach for abused women.

That's when I started researching.

Medical books, Text books, Psychology books/text books, Abnormal Psych. ect.

I read about PTSD, Depression, childhood trauma, personality disorders... .etc.

I educated myself.

2. Do some of us actually want to be victims?  Why?

Yes, at first Yes, *I* wanted to be the victim. *I* wanted everyone to see; look it's not me... .I DID do all the right things, it's NOT ME.

BUT after doing a lot of research, reading, studying... .that reaction came from my childhood.

Because in my mom's eyes, nothing I did was good enough. I constantly had to do something over the top to gain her attention or approval.

Once I figured that out... .I said: No more.

I will NOT be a victim, I will be a Victor.

I will rise above this, I will put this behind me, I will LIVE. I will live a healthy, loving, compassionate life!

I am FREE from the abuse, the sorrow, the misery.

I am FREE!

I will NOT waste that freedom with a label like "victim".

3. Are we taking something good - a very useful tool - and turning it into something bad? Is excessive labeling helping those that do it?  Is it hurting?

For me I needed to know "why".

For me, I needed this whole insanity to 'make sense'.

I have come to peace with the fact that this is a generational curse.

I have said on more than one occasion, I do not think my ex is BPD... .I have recently posted a comment w/ 3 or more pages from the Mayo Clinic and shown how my ex is more ASPD / NPD / Cluster B than anything.

It hurts to spend 25 years with someone thinking you know them, only to find out, you don't, and never did.

It hurts to be dumped for another woman; worse, dumped for 'just images' of other woman.

It hurts to give your heart and soul and 25 years of your life to someone who just wads it up and throws it in the trash.

And it takes time to get past that.

I have heard 1 year of mourning for every 5 years of marriage... .

I armed myself with knowledge.

I plan on shaving 1 year off that process.

[Bassoutcast]

And then, once the label is applied, we get to play victim, which is a very popular stance here on planet earth because victims by definition are not responsible for what happened to them.

And then, once the fog clears some and we start to dig, we own up to the facts that not everything was our fault but some of it was, sure, our exes might have had issues but so do we... .

Here is my story in 50 words or less.

Man see's woman

Woman see's man

Man likes woman

Woman likes man

Man meets woman

Woman meets man

Man courts woman

Woman enjoys the courting

Man loves woman

Woman loves man

Man sacrifices much to be with woman

Woman sits back and waits for man to come into HER life

Man makes adjustments to new environment and new family

Woman goes to work and comes home daily to man

Man is crazy about woman and would and does ANYTHING for her

Woman enjoys the safety and care and love provided her

Man see's some strange things happening intermittently

Woman does strange things intermittently

Time Passes

Man loses himself, has no friends, can do no right (in woman's eyes)

Woman devalues man

Woman antagonizes man

Woman makes man question many things including his worth

Woman continues in her life that Man AND Woman cultivated

Woman creates perfect environment for a B/U

Woman initiates B/U

Man falls apart

Man leaves because Woman wants him too.

Man is left alone as a shadow of what he was in the beginning.

I'd say that I feel correct about being a victim. My biggest mistake was thinking that she was the last woman in my life. ONE OF HER MISTAKES was making me feel that way and even TELLING ME THAT WE WERE FOREVER. There are many more things that make this story complex, but basically it's pretty cut and dry minus the details. :-(

(I know it was more than 50 words)

Wow, that sums up my story pretty well... .though I experienced "only" a short, 4 month r/s so I didn't deteriorate my sense of self quite as much (although I did have MANY things planned that altered my own social and personal life, and would further damage my life. I was going to throw my own plans down the garbage shoot and set myself up to be part of hers   . 4 MONTHS)

I'm glad that mine was diagnosed by a professional, but I chose to treat her like a normal girl and not "label" her, didn't even read into her condition that much... .well, until she dumped me  . Probably would have been MUCH worse if I tried EVERYTHING to make it work (and by that I mean things like the lessons in the Staying board) and in the end I'd still get dumped.

[going places]

www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/antisocial-personality-disorder/basics/definition/CON-20027920

Of the 13 'symptoms' my ex has 12 of 13.

www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/narcissistic-personality-disorder/basics/definition/con-20025568

Of the 12 'symptoms' my ex has 12 of 12

www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/personality-disorders/basics/symptoms/con-20030111

Under "Cluster B"

ASPD of the 9, my ex has 8 of 9

BPD of the 9, my ex has 2 of 9

Histronic of the 7, my ex has 5 of 7

NPD of the 8, my ex has 8

I am not a doctor, nor do I play one on TV... .but if it quacks like a duck, waddles like a duck and swims like a duck, good chances it's not a roller coaster.

[Sunfl0wer]

Uh... .but it does feel exactly like a roller coaster! 

[DyingLove]

Being a victim is one perspective.

Quite true Sunflower, but since this is my post, it's a very important perspective to me.  I know that my post was extracted out of another post and made into it's own post.  Could be a good thing. I think it is.

Along my path, I realize that the more I talk about things, the more I need to talk about things.  I've walked on both sides of the fence. It makes perfect sense though, because a path to your destination is not always a straight line. If the fence is straight then you might have to jump on either side at any given time to proceed.

Is there ANYONE here that can honestly say they haven't been EXACTLY where I am right now?  Even posts that I read about others with situations and feelings; I know that I may be feeling like that one day in the future, or, I've already felt that way.  It's been said here that we should "feel our feelings".  I'm doing that. It's not easy, but I'm doing it within my means which is another variable.

Some people here on the board have hundreds and some thousands of posts and they still to this day have it rough and some days that unbearable. 

I won't always be, but I am a victim! I am a part of, what once was, a wonderful relationship.  Unfortunately, I still am a part of the ghost of a relationship.  Everyone is absolutely correct: we don't know 1 bit what our pwBPDex is thinking unless we go by collected data, honest confessions, or just an educated idea. 

So even though the people of this board share very very similar situations, we don't know the intensity at which each of US suffers. Some can move on rapidly, some cannot, some cannot or will not go on with life. One size does not fit all.

I know that I should "BE" a certain way.  I know that the N/C is important, not always easy to follow, but it is important.  I know that I rise, dip and bend to moods of the day. It's gonna happen for me, and I don't always know when to predict it.   So I know that at least partially, I am a victim, and I'm not going to be blind to this. It's okay for a frail 90 lb. woman to be a victim, it's okay for a burly 275 lb. man to be a victim.  When I get over this, is when I'll re-label myself. But I will have always been a victim at some point.  I think I've had to battle with the rights and wrongs of this machine.

The wonder of modern knowledge helps us to understand and grow, but it all begins with our base emotions and our other God given capabilities. 

I always feel just a bit better when I realize that this wasn't all my fault (where I sit today), when I try to understand that I let this happen to myself because of my past, my needs and other things within me, I tend not to feel as good about things or myself and I feel like the gained knowledge has caused me to stop in my tracks so that I can figure out a new direction I have to go in. It's like learning one thing that causes me to have to learn another thing.  Well this is good, and necessary to know yourself, but I want to really get up and start walking in life again.  After I'm up and about, I can more concern myself with the issues I have deep rooted.  Newborn babies usually cry somewhere after being born, but they don't all sound alike, just as babies look different too.  Well I believe each of us is the "way we are" but of course society has it's standards to live up to. We try to fix something in ourselves to bring us to a level of conformity among others.  It's good and necessary. Aside from very ill individuals, the way we are is what makes us unique.  I really like me (or I did like me) the way I was.  I got a bit broken and now I'm rebuilding myself, but you have to be able to stand before you walk, and walk before you can run.

[LonelyChild]

My ex (see my first post for more info):

www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/antisocial-personality-disorder/basics/symptoms/con-20027920

12/13

www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/narcissistic-personality-disorder/basics/symptoms/con-20025568

12/12

www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/personality-disorders/basics/symptoms/con-20030111

Cluster A

Paranoid 8/8

Schizoid 4-5/6

Schizotypal 2/7

Cluster B

Antisocial 9/9

Borderline 9/9

Histrionic 6/7

Narcissistic 8/8

Cluster C

Avoidant 3/6

Dependent 4/8

Obsessive-compulsive 2/8



Says a lot... .she's extremely disturbed. Currently, she's locked up in a mental institution, and has been for about one month now.

[Beach_Babe]

NPD 12/12

ASPD 10/13

BPD 5/9

[felix22]

www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/antisocial-personality-disorder/basics/definition/CON-20027920

G.P., I love your links. Thanks again for sharing. Very insightful/helpful.

[felix22]

My ex BPDso:

Anti Social- 12/13

Narcissism- 9/12

BPD- 7/9

Histrionic- 5/7

I always suspected some of the anti-social overlapping. Perhaps this confirms it.

[Sunfl0wer]

Being a victim is one perspective.

Quite true Sunflower, but since this is my post, it's a very important perspective to me.  I know that my post was extracted out of another post and made into it's own post.  Could be a good thing. I think it is.

Along my path, I realize that the more I talk about things, the more I need to talk about things.  I've walked on both sides of the fence. It makes perfect sense though, because a path to your destination is not always a straight line. If the fence is straight then you might have to jump on either side at any given time to proceed.

Is there ANYONE here that can honestly say they haven't been EXACTLY where I am right now?  Even posts that I read about others with situations and feelings; I know that I may be feeling like that one day in the future, or, I've already felt that way.  It's been said here that we should "feel our feelings".  I'm doing that. It's not easy, but I'm doing it within my means which is another variable.

Some people here on the board have hundreds and some thousands of posts and they still to this day have it rough and some days that unbearable. 

I won't always be, but I am a victim! I am a part of, what once was, a wonderful relationship.  Unfortunately, I still am a part of the ghost of a relationship.  Everyone is absolutely correct: we don't know 1 bit what our pwBPDex is thinking unless we go by collected data, honest confessions, or just an educated idea. 

So even though the people of this board share very very similar situations, we don't know the intensity at which each of US suffers. Some can move on rapidly, some cannot, some cannot or will not go on with life. One size does not fit all.

I know that I should "BE" a certain way.  I know that the N/C is important, not always easy to follow, but it is important.  I know that I rise, dip and bend to moods of the day. It's gonna happen for me, and I don't always know when to predict it.   So I know that at least partially, I am a victim, and I'm not going to be blind to this. It's okay for a frail 90 lb. woman to be a victim, it's okay for a burly 275 lb. man to be a victim.  When I get over this, is when I'll re-label myself. But I will have always been a victim at some point.  I think I've had to battle with the rights and wrongs of this machine.

The wonder of modern knowledge helps us to understand and grow, but it all begins with our base emotions and our other God given capabilities. 

I always feel just a bit better when I realize that this wasn't all my fault (where I sit today), when I try to understand that I let this happen to myself because of my past, my needs and other things within me, I tend not to feel as good about things or myself and I feel like the gained knowledge has caused me to stop in my tracks so that I can figure out a new direction I have to go in. It's like learning one thing that causes me to have to learn another thing.  Well this is good, and necessary to know yourself, but I want to really get up and start walking in life again.  After I'm up and about, I can more concern myself with the issues I have deep rooted.  Newborn babies usually cry somewhere after being born, but they don't all sound alike, just as babies look different too.  Well I believe each of us is the "way we are" but of course society has it's standards to live up to. We try to fix something in ourselves to bring us to a level of conformity among others.  It's good and necessary. Aside from very ill individuals, the way we are is what makes us unique.  I really like me (or I did like me) the way I was.  I got a bit broken and now I'm rebuilding myself, but you have to be able to stand before you walk, and walk before you can run.

I am a bit confused by this thread... .  Not sure how to follow it... .

But anyway... .

For me, when I think that "being a victim is a perspective"... .  It gives me comfort.  It makes me feel powerful to create my own story about myself. 

In therapy last week T said to me, "All childhood memories are a confabulation."  I was at first confused and asked, "well, what about adult memories?"  He said, yes, they are all a confabulation too.  I cocked my head, squinted my eyes and it clicked for me. 

He was making a point about the power of the stories we tell ourselves, our role... .we can easily retell ourselves the same story of events... .and change the perspectives maybe in infinite ways.  (This actually reminded me of the posts I have seen here of Blimblam and his talk about it all being a narrative). So I have the power to make a choice on how I tell myself a story, and I believe that is an important choice.  I think this is how he was incorporating a CBT approach for me to internalize to take with me.  I like the idea of learning an approach that helps me with my internal dialog and gives me a new way of thinking about myself.  I think this is powerful and encouraging!

[DyingLove]

Sunflower, my original response was mainly to acknowledge your point that to you, being a victim is one way of looking at it... .which I agree(d). But I am stressing that I am a victim, and at this time and moment, that's not going to change unless I change it internally within me.  I'm always open to opinions as well as facts, but I have to stand fast on this.  If you can give "victim" a better name, meaning the same, I'm good with that.

There are many victims on this board, truly. If one were to argue that fact, it would be safe just to say that we were all in the wrong place at the wrong time too.  Another example, if you need one, is like telling your story to unsympathetic ears, that person might just say: "Get over it already."  Remember that therapists put on their pants the same way we do, and one size does not fit all.  :-)

[Sunfl0wer]

What do you think you need right now? And why?

[DyingLove]

What do you think you need right now? And why?

In all honesty?

A suitcase full of cash, and a trip to the grand canyon.  I need to feel that I'm not under the gun of society and that I can be in a place of "awe" to reset my scope of life.  Getting over this B/U R/S has so far been the hardest thing I've ever been involved in. My son even commented that he's never seen me in such a bad way.  Unfortunately the little bit of grief that he see's doesn't uncover the lava below.  Whenever I read something on this forum, I can immediately relate to the pain that "said person" feels and proclaims.  Knowing why things have happened helps in many ways, but pain is pain. The sooner we can leave the pain behind, the faster we remove the distraction that delays our healing.

Today, after talking to another, I became angry (again) at the ex for taking so much away from me. Things that you just don't think of until it happens. Birthdays, holidays, seeing happy faces opening gifts, holding hands, hugging and even crying together, etc.  I know that my B/U was kinda like a conspiracy involving other family members. I think if it were just her, she would be too afraid and insecure to do this on her own.  This is a new realization to me.  I wanna say "does anything matter anymore?"  The whole B/U is still here in my minds eye... .I'm not moving on as fast as I'd like to.  Damn I need an all day hug!

[Suzn]

What do you think you need right now? And why?

In all honesty?

A suitcase full of cash, and a trip to the grand canyon. 

I had a friend once tell me after I had made a similar statement "wherever you go, there you are." I've been guilty of trying to outrun my emotions.

I need to feel that I'm not under the gun of society and that I can be in a place of "awe" to reset my scope of life.

Can you elaborate? Where are you under the gun of society? Who are you trying to please?

My son even commented that he's never seen me in such a bad way. 

Does this make you uncomfortable?

Birthdays, holidays, seeing happy faces opening gifts, holding hands, hugging and even crying together, etc. 

Connecting with your anger is part of the grief process as you already know, it's a good thing to identify our losses and how they came to be. Can you see developing these happy times with your immediate family and friends where you are now?

Being dependent on one person to bring us all of our joy is so very limiting. I wore blinders to the rest of the people in my life. Once I recognized this I realized it was on me to reach out and start taking steps, one at a time, to develop closer, healthier relationships with friends so that my "joy" came from many areas instead of just one. One of which, maybe the most important one, was from myself, cultivating my interests in things I'm happy to do alone.