Mother's day with UBPD mother and silent treatment

[caughtnreleased]

So I've been receiving the silent treatment from my uBPD mother now for over a month.  It was triggered, when I told her that I was going to visit our family in her home country - something she has been guilt tripping me for over two years now - but in my email I also asked her to stop guilt tripping me about it, since I was very comfortable with the amount of effort I had put into spending time with them, but that my vacation and finances (they live very FAR away and flights are expensive) were limited so I asked her to please accept the reality of the situation.  Not only did she not answer, or acknowledge that email, she further ignored two more where I confirmed my dates, and told her that she must have missed my previous emails.  I KNOW she received it because my father confirmed it.

I am pretty pissed off at this latest development.  She has manipulated me, used her mother's old age to instill guilt, remorse, etc. to get ME to fill in for HER role as caretaker of an very elderly person.  Luckily, I have decided that I would build a side trip into see the family, but will be spending most of my vacation time elsewhere.  But, after all that harassment and manipulation, NOW when I actually do go see the family (who by the way MAKE NO EFFORTS to see us) she gives me the silent treatment.  Mother's day is coming up, and frankly, I want to vomit at the thought of wishing her a good mothers day.   I can wish her a happy birthday on that day regardless of what's going, because THAT is not about falsely celebrating a role she is so terrible at!  Any thoughts on how to deal with this upcoming day, without having feelings of GUILT!

[HappyChappy]

So I've been receiving the silent treatment from my uBPD mother now for over a month... .but in my email I also asked her to stop guilt tripping me about it... .I asked her to please accept the reality of the situation. 

That does sound very frustrating. I'm not surprised you're angry, as her behaviour does not sound unacceptable... .for a norm, but bang on the money for a BPD. A BPD doesn't like anyone pricking their fantasy thinking, so love the fact you asked her to "accept the reality" and they also hate anyone uncovering their BPD techniques, so again loved it when you asked her to "stop guilt tripping". But hey - that's her problem not yours. I found imagining my BPD as an 8 year old girl, helps when they do the sulking (except for when I laugh, they don't like that). I find ridiculing something helps me - would that help you ?

My BPD is a massive nag, so I love it when she does the silent treatment. It use to scare me, because it meant severe punishment followed, but bit of Therapy soon stopped that nonsense. I asked my BPD for an apology recently - just to get a few month of silent treatment. It's working. Bit of a home goal for my BPD. When she surfaces next, I’ll be asking for a loan which should by me a few more months . If your BPD keeps guilt tripping about visiting, maybe you could developed a fear of flying, so she has to visit you ?

[caughtnreleased]

ha! Visit me? That's the funniest thing I've ever heard. She doesn't do that. She stays at my sisters when she visits our town (luckily I live in the same city as my sister).  Once she came, and didn't even call me. 

I suppose I just needed validation that I am not the selfish, evil child I have always been told that I am if I don't wish her a happy mothers day.  Mothers are sacred in our culture.  I won't tell anyone I know about the situation, because they'll just say: she's your mother.  As if that excuses all the manipulation and abuse.

[MKG1015]

Caughtnreleased-

I'm not sure how you get around the feelings of guilt, it is something I struggle with as well. Picking a Mother's Day/Birthday card for her is one of the hardest things for me. I read all these messages about how much daughters love their mothers and all the support and love they've been given over the year yaddayaddayadda. I no longer look for a card that adequately expresses my feelings for her and merely pick one that doesn't make me want to vomit.

I feel guilty (as you do) even though I have nothing to feel guilty for. I have been there for her more than I have for myself and yet I feel guilty? I think the key is recognizing the feeling and asking yourself if the feeling is justified. I would imagine that it isn't.

[caughtnreleased]

Thanks. Intellectually I know I should not feel guilty.  It's just that I am currently being given the silent treatment, therefore, is it wrong for me to do nothing on mothers day?... .THAT is the crux here.  Because frankly, I don't want to do anything. Really.  I don't.  And with that I hope to send a message that she will no longer be let off the hook for her atrocious behaviour.  I don't want to look the other way anymore.  And her behaviour is so glaringly awful, I don't know how she can really live with herself.  I had a dream this morning actually, that she was again making unrealistic demands of me, I set boundaries and explained in a very matter of fact way what I could do, and what was not realistic.  In my dream she retreated and started crying. I felt awful.

[Panda39]

My SO's D18 is very low contact with her uBPDmom and has absolutely no interest in and has no plans to see her for Mother's Day .  Her solution was a blank card that she simply wrote "Happy Mothers' Day" and signed it.  Relieves the guilt, keeps her mom off her back but isn't inauthentic... .simply states the fact that it is Mother's Day.

D18 is really angry with her mother (for very good reason)... .so on the sarcastic side she told her dad she wished there was a card that said "Happy Mother's Day"... ."Eat $hit and Die". I understand the sentiment   but am glad she chose the moderate approach.

How about looking at it from the perspective of whether she deserves acknowledgement as a mother? Did/does she do the job? Do we acknowledge people in the working world for doing a lousy job?  Would you feel guilty in that arena?  Why acknowledge your mother for doing a lousy job?  Why give her recognition for a job she doesn't actually do?  Why feel guilty?

What is Mother's Day about?  

Is it about giving your mother a card that you don't mean so she feels good about herself when she's done very little to deserve it?  Is it about making you feel guilty about not giving her a card? Is it about having to justify your strained relationship to other people/family?  Is it about not being true to yourself and your feelings towards your mother? Is it about avoiding conflict/rage... .walking on eggshells?

Mother's Day should not be about any of the things above but for so many here it has become the above.  What is worth celebrating or honoring in the above FOG filled paragraph?  Nothing... .so don't.

However if there is something positive that you genuinely feel towards your mom or about something she's done for you then focus on that, validate that, and honor that.

[MKG1015]

I agree with Panda39, if you are doing it just avoid the conflict don't send a card or acknowledge it. However, I also agree with the blank "Happy Mother's Day," it shows you acknowledge the day but doesn't imply things you don't feel and she hasn't earned.

If it makes you feel better, she might not even care. I sent the aforementioned "card that doesn't make me puke," and when I called Sunday to see if she received it her response was "oh. you sent a card? I never get my mail so I don't even know if it's in there." Soo I kinda wish I had the $4.50 I spent on the card plus postage back.

I hope you made the decision that is best for you. I was thinking of you yesterday and hoping you were ok. Mother's Day is hard for all of us kids of BPDm. It brings with it shame, guilt, anger, sadness and a feeling of loss for a relationship that isn't like the ones shown on the Teleflora commercial. I hope you made it through the day and that you know there was someone else out in the void thinking of you and wishing you well.

[caughtnreleased]

Thank you for your response.  I ended up sending an empty email with just the subject: Happy mother's day. In english, which is not the language I use with her when relations are not strained. It's my language.  She would give us the silent treatment at home whenever we started speaking English too frequently.   I think it sent the message, because my father wrote back today (when she is angry he writes to me, when he is angry she writes to me).  No one acknowledged the email I sent, but in his message my father said that the children of my mothers best friend, let's call her Janice, so Janice's children went to my parents house and cooked them dinner, because it "was mother's day", my father informed me. (Janice is away on vacation on her own).  My father does this whenever he is angry.  He didn't call me on my birthday, but he went to the birthday party of Janice's children, and told me about it, and all the people that he met.

I am actually disgusted with both my parents right now.  I want to vomit.  I cannot believe these two people raised me. there should be a law against people like this being free to have children.  I am repulsed by them and their behaviour.  I'm sorry... .but it's gross. Because on top of it all, he says this all matter of factly.  He KNOWS that I don't like Janice and her kids.  I've told him before that they have used me, and never returned any favour I have ever given to them, and treated me with disrespect. This is disgusting, but at least I now see them for who they truly are.

But thank you for your message of support everyone.  They are helpful indeed.

[Panda39]

Thank you for your response.  I ended up sending an empty email with just the subject: Happy mother's day. In english, which is not the language I use with her when relations are not strained. It's my language.  She would give us the silent treatment at home whenever we started speaking English too frequently.   I think it sent the message, because my father wrote back today (when she is angry he writes to me, when he is angry she writes to me).  No one acknowledged the email I sent, but in his message my father said that the children of my mothers best friend, let's call her Janice, so Janice's children went to my parents house and cooked them dinner, because it "was mother's day", my father informed me. (Janice is away on vacation on her own).  My father does this whenever he is angry.  He didn't call me on my birthday, but he went to the birthday party of Janice's children, and told me about it, and all the people that he met.

I am actually disgusted with both my parents right now.  I want to vomit.  I cannot believe these two people raised me. there should be a law against people like this being free to have children.  I am repulsed by them and their behaviour.  I'm sorry... .but it's gross. Because on top of it all, he says this all matter of factly.  He KNOWS that I don't like Janice and her kids.  I've told him before that they have used me, and never returned any favour I have ever given to them, and treated me with disrespect. This is disgusting, but at least I now see them for who they truly are.

But thank you for your message of support everyone.  They are helpful indeed.

The communication from your dad is very passive agressive.  I hope I don't offend you but the first thought I had was maybe they could adopt "Janice's" kids and you can find new parents.    Sorry Mother's Day was such a bummer you deserve better. 

[caughtnreleased]

no offence taken whatsoever.  I thought the same thing. I know I can do better too.  When I was little I did find new parents.  A wonderful and supportive neighbor who was artist and encouraged me to make art.  I sought refuge at her home almost every day.  But my parents had a "falling out" with her and her husband. And we moved away.  I now wonder if it was a way to secure a stronger hold on me.  I remained friends with her for a long time - but after that "falling" out that my parents said happened, I felt awkward about it.  I was 12 so I couldn't really understand. I need to reach out to her.  I wanted to go visit her a year ago, but my parents wouldn't leave me alone so I didn't go.  I'm afraid she is upset because I wasn't able to give them warning that I couldn't come.  My parents are incredibly unhealthy human beings.  This only becomes clearer and clearer every day. 

[caughtnreleased]

oh and "Janice" is the perfect narcissist if there ever was one... .as are her children.  BPD and NPD go together right? perfect.