Mother advice

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hi everyone,

   I'm brand new here, and I guess a little introduction is standard procedure.

   I'm a 23 year old college student with a mother that I suspect has BPD. No, I do not know this for a fact. That would be because she refuses even the slightest suggestion that something may be wrong with her. When she absolutely has to see a therapist, she puts on quite an amazing front - the therapists don't even see through it and often conclude that she is a perfectly normal, mentally stable person.

Let me tell you, she is not.

    The mother I grew up with was abusive, both physically and emotionally. She had fits of rage that would probably shock anyone not raised by her. I was the worst, most screwed-up child in the world, and she wished that I had never been born. More rarely, I was some sort of golden child or a pillar of strength that was her hero. I could go on, but I'm sure everyone here is familiar with other BPD symptoms. No one outside of the family has any idea. The image of loving, self-sacrificing parent with a problem child is rock solid at all times.

   Because of her instability, I spent a good part of my teen years in foster care.  I have three older siblings. Not one lasted a day past 16 living with her. They either ran away or were kicked out. She regained custody of me when I was 16 and promptly kicked me out a few months later. I have been in and out of contact with her since and we currently have not spoken in a year. She will never admit that anything is wrong with her. In her world, she did no wrong as a parent. All of the abuse and everything else has a simple explanation - she had to do it because I was just that horrible. I made her.

   Here is my problem: I need to get back in touch with her. In my early college years she was having financial problems and I ended up spending a few thousand dollars on her to keep her afloat. I am having financial difficulty now in my last year of college, and I need that back. I really don't want anything to do with her at this point, it's just necessity (although I feel horrible for doing this because of money). Does anyone have any advice on how to navigate the relationship for the time being? I am already expecting the guilt trips and overstepping of boundaries. I also have an appointment with a therapist that I hope can provide some insight. I just hope I'm strong enough to shield myself from all of the problems that she brings. 

Thank you to anyone that takes the time to read my long rambling. And if you have any advice to offer, thank you for that too.

[Sparrow2]

Hi everyone,

   I'm brand new here, and I guess a little introduction is standard procedure.

   I'm a 23 year old college student with a mother that I suspect has BPD. No, I do not know this for a fact. That would be because she refuses even the slightest suggestion that something may be wrong with her. When she absolutely has to see a therapist, she puts on quite an amazing front - the therapists don't even see through it and often conclude that she is a perfectly normal, mentally stable person.

Let me tell you, she is not.

    The mother I grew up with was abusive, both physically and emotionally. She had fits of rage that would probably shock anyone not raised by her. I was the worst, most screwed-up child in the world, and she wished that I had never been born. More rarely, I was some sort of golden child or a pillar of strength that was her hero. I could go on, but I'm sure everyone here is familiar with other BPD symptoms. No one outside of the family has any idea. The image of loving, self-sacrificing parent with a problem child is rock solid at all times.

   Because of her instability, I spent a good part of my teen years in foster care.  I have three older siblings. Not one lasted a day past 16 living with her. They either ran away or were kicked out. She regained custody of me when I was 16 and promptly kicked me out a few months later. I have been in and out of contact with her since and we currently have not spoken in a year. She will never admit that anything is wrong with her. In her world, she did no wrong as a parent. All of the abuse and everything else has a simple explanation - she had to do it because I was just that horrible. I made her.

   Here is my problem: I need to get back in touch with her. In my early college years she was having financial problems and I ended up spending a few thousand dollars on her to keep her afloat. I am having financial difficulty now in my last year of college, and I need that back. I really don't want anything to do with her at this point, it's just necessity (although I feel horrible for doing this because of money). Does anyone have any advice on how to navigate the relationship for the time being? I am already expecting the guilt trips and overstepping of boundaries. I also have an appointment with a therapist that I hope can provide some insight. I just hope I'm strong enough to shield myself from all of the problems that she brings. 

Thank you to anyone that takes the time to read my long rambling. And if you have any advice to offer, thank you for that too.

[ShieldsUp12]

Hi Sparrow! I'm not an Advisor on this board, I come here for help myself, but since I seem to be the first to respond to you, I'll say welcome. Sorry you have to be here, but glad we have this resource.

Your childhood was really fraught with a lot of trauma. I'm sorry you had to experience all that. I don't feel entirely comfortable telling you what to do, and I don't know everything about your finances, however when I read this, I get a :

I am having financial difficulty now in my last year of college, and I need that back.

I would advise that perhaps you should scrap this idea that I bolded out in your quote. Normally, a parent would not have a problem returning the favor or paying back what they borrowed. Normally a parent probably wouldn't even take anything from a child. They would figure out how to handle it via usual channels that most adults use (public assistance, loans, payment plans, filing bankruptcy, what have you) A BPD, well, that's another story. I'm willing to bet that your mother doesn't think she owes you anything. I'm not saying this is true, I'm saying this would seem to be how she would think, given what you have written about how she has split you as the "bad" daughter. Am I on the right track?

If it were me, knowing what I know now, I would not take one single thing from my uBPDm. In my case, my uBPDm might give me what I ask for, but she will either expect for me to let her walk all over me/abuse me afterwards, or twist it around and blacken me to everyone who will listen that I am the "irresponsible daughter" who is "so needy" and she is so "saintly" for tolerating me. Usually "gifts" or "loans" are traps and avenues for manipulation and mayhem with a BPD. At least in my experience. It winds up costing you far more than what you get.

To borrow from an old advertising slogan:

Money spent on uBPDm: a few thousand $$$

Walking away,chalking it up to experience and not getting involved again:Priceless

[Turkish]

Hello Sparrow2, and

I'm sorry that your mt her is still in denial of her role in what happened to you. Similar to what you said, my mom would sometimes say, "Sometimes wish I'd never adopted you!" As a child, my reaction was   as a teen, my gut response was, "you and me both lady!" Though I never said that. I'd have gotten smacked or something thrown at me.

Similar to what SU12 said, you may likely get nothing from your mom. It sounds like you need the money owed you, however. It will be tough emotionally, but asking has the chance of losing nothing, and possibly gaining something.

You may benefit from the communication tools here, especially DEARMAN, in your case. Take a look and see if they make sense:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=69272.0

Excerpt:

D.E.A.R.M.A.N. - Marsha Linehan, MD published the DEARMAN in 1993 as part of her DBT training manual.

D= Describe the current situation. Tell the person exactly what you are reacting to. Stick to the facts.

E= Express your feelings and opinions about the situation. Assume that others cannot read your mind. Don’t expect others to know how hard it is for you to ask directly for what you want.

A= Assert yourself by asking for what you want or saying no clearly. Assume that others cannot read your mind. Don’t expect others to know how hard it is for you to ask directly for what you want.

R= Reinforce the reward to the person ahead of time. Tell the person the positive effects of getting what you want or need. Help the person feel good ahead of time for doing what you want.

M= Mindfully keep your focus on your objectives. Maintain your position. Don’t be distracted.

A= Appear Confident. Use a confident voice tone and physical manner; make good eye contact. No stammering, whispering, staring at the floor, retreating, saying “I’m not sure,” etc.

N= Negotiate by being willing to give to get. Offer and ask for alternative solutions to the problem. What am I willing to “settle for” or “give up” in order to gain what I want in the situation?