30 days of NC today

[Olivia_D]

30 days of NC today.  I know that it is healthy for me but every day is a struggle.  It gets a little bit easier with time but the mental gymnastics that roll around in my mind to maintain NC is very consuming.  I don't want to give him this much energy but it has a death grip on my brain.  I have to let go of the belief that one day he may suddenly wake up and get it.  I think I have seen too many romantic movies where the guy realizes that he made a huge mistake and comes dashing back into her life.  I have to let go of the fantasy of him becoming a healthy person.  I have to let go.  This is so hard.

[leftconfused]

I feel your pain.  It is so hard.  I haven't quite made it to 30 yet.  19 days was the longest I got until he reached out and now Im back to square one.  Stay strong.  I think it takes time for our hearts to catch up with our heads.  While we intellectually know these were not healthy relationships and they will never change, we secretly hope that they could and its hard to let go of that hope.  I will say, as much as recycles are damaging, I think it ultimately gets me one step closer to acceptance.  Every time I expose myself to that craziness its just another reminder. 

Know that you will get there.  Just keep putting one foot in front of the other!

[Olivia_D]

This is just an incredibly challenging day.  I need to evict him from my brain. 

[cosmonaut]

This is indeed very hard.  I longed for my ex to return for a very long time.  About a year.  I kept hoping that the phone would ring, I'd get a text, or she'd turn up at my door saying she made a mistake.  I know that aching hope.

Letting go is hard.  Especially when the bond we had was so loaded.  The good times were an incredible high - probably the best of my life.  And the low when she left was for certain the lowest.  It does get easier, though.  It took me a long while, maybe longer than most, but I am getting to acceptance.  You will too.  You've already come a good way down that road with the realization that your ex is not healthy and you can't fix that.  Only he can do that.  That's a hard realization to make, because it means we can't save the relationship, no matter what we do or what sacrifices we make.  That was very hard for me, especially as a "fixer".  Maybe you are a fixer too?  Anyway, please try not to be hard on yourself for still thinking of him and for being so emotionally effected.  It's only been 30 days, which is a very short amount of time.  You're doing much better than I was at 30 days.  Keep going, Olivia.  You're on the road.  Things will get easier.  And we're all here to support you in that.

[newtothis28]

Keep it up! It's worth it! 

[Olivia_D]

Thanks NewtoThis.  It is heart wrenching.  I know that I needed to do it but it's that final step at walking away from the last little crumb.

[dagwoodbowser]

30 days of NC today.  I know that it is healthy for me but every day is a struggle.  It gets a little bit easier with time but the mental gymnastics that roll around in my mind to maintain NC is very consuming.  I don't want to give him this much energy but it has a death grip on my brain.  I have to let go of the belief that one day he may suddenly wake up and get it.  I think I have seen too many romantic movies where the guy realizes that he made a huge mistake and comes dashing back into her life.  I have to let go of the fantasy of him becoming a healthy person.  I have to let go.  This is so hard.

Kudos on 30 Days! In all the recycles I had done the farthest I ever got was 23 and for many less than that so keep it going. I'm at 2 full months now and promise that you will be thinking less as well as obsessing far less about this person. You can do this! If you can pass the Bar Exam this should be a walk in the park... ..

[Trog]

I feel like that some days. It is hard. But two questions,

1) if you reached out, what is the likely reaction?

2) imagine if you got the desired reaction! Then where would you be?

Back here within the year and in even worse pain. I reached out, recycled, and married her! Can you hear a Cher song playing? (not gypsies, tramps & theives... .Although)!

I think often we yearn and cry in pain but don't think of the next step in that event chain, you'd be back, they'd behave the same, except this time you also carry the burden of 'remember when you didn't speak to me for a month', distrust and maybe you'd have to be a vegetarian. All worth considering!

[apollotech]

Olivia,

"I have to let go of the belief that one day he may suddenly wake up and get it.  I think I have seen too many romantic movies where the guy realizes that he made a huge mistake and comes dashing back into her life.  I have to let go of the fantasy of him becoming a healthy person."

That's referred to as malignant hope or defensive hope. It delays acceptance of the inevitable; by so doing, it delays emotional pain, but, at the same time, it keeps one in an anguished/anxious state; therefore, it's damaging/dangerous. It's a product of the emotional self rather than the rational self. (Your rational self already knows that he won't magically get better and that everything will normalize.)

Give yourself some time to process what happened. You are a complex creature; your different selves will eventually fall into a livable alignment with one another. Eventually, your rational self will seize control from your emotional self and the unfounded hope will dissipate. It's a process; you are on the way to the end.

[Achaya]

Olivia,


That's referred to as malignant hope or defensive hope. It delays acceptance of the inevitable; by so doing, it delays emotional pain, but, at the same time, it keeps one in an anguished/anxious state; therefore, it's damaging/dangerous.

I realized this a week ago, that the "anguished/anxious state" I had been in for most of the past 3 years was directly associated with the unrealistic hope of getting a securely attached intimate relationship with my partner. When I told her I needed to go NC I immediately started feeling more depressed (hopeless) but the terrible anxiety got a lot better. I try to embrace the hopelessness now, as I know I will recover in a stable way once I can accept the finality of the ending.

One realistic aspect of malignant hope is that people with personality disorders do tend to reappear at some point in the future (one of my former bf's took 25 years to do that---LOL). They tend to go round in circles in their lives. Mostly they seem to pick up where they left off, not in a better position, at least not one that lasts.

[Olivia_D]

I try to embrace the hopelessness now, as I know I will recover in a stable way once I can accept the finality of the ending.

Achaya, I completely agree.  For some reason, something clicked in my mind today.  It was as-if I reached some level of acceptance out of the blue.  I haven't a clue what happened but I am glad that whatever it was clicked me another notch.  Somewhere during the day, I realized that while I really did love this person, I don't much like him.  Not hate, just a realization that if one of my daughters told me of a guy that put them through 1/10th of this mess, I would promptly buy them a new pair of Nike's and tell him to run far and fast.  For some reason, I am far more unlikely to accept unacceptable treatment of others but allow it to linger too long when it is exacted towards me.  I am definitely working on this.

[Achaya]

I think that is a very helpful tool, Olivia, to consider how you would react if someone you love were treated the ways you have been. No matter how many compassionate explanations there are for the mistreating behaviors.

The cyclical abandonment behaviors that my ex did to me are the same behaviors that her entire family does to each other. When they abandon my ex, I am enraged. I told her many times I think her family is the most severely emotionally abusive family I have ever known about. Yet when she did exactly those same behaviors to me, all I focused on was whether this meant she didn't love me. Then she would more or less confirm that she didn't, or leave that ambiguous, and I would become anxiously preoccupied with whether she was leaving me. I still don't feel anger about her emotionally abusive abandonment behaviors. I do forgive her for pulling away if she couldn't handle the closeness of our relationship, but the ways she did it included some very heartless, narcissistic behaviors.

[Olivia_D]

I focused on was whether this meant she didn't love me.  I do forgive her for pulling away if she couldn't handle the closeness of our relationship, but the ways she did it included some very heartless, narcissistic behaviors.

Achaya, I honestly believe that that are not capable of love or hate; it has no reflection on us being loving.  I think they suffer from a need to find an identity / attraction (which seems loving) and rage (which comes across as hate).  It's the tension between enmeshment (come closer) and engulfment (go away) and it seems like they cannot navigate any feelings or emotions that fall between those extremes. I started to notice that my ex had some type of awareness that something odd was happening with him, and that it wasn't based on anything that I had done or said, but it was like he couldn't stop himself.  I think that his attempts to find that middle ground made him frustrated and made him feel somewhat defective.  It was almost like he was watching something that he knew was good and healthy for him be destroyed for no plausible reason; he also had a few moments of recognition that he was doing and saying things to me that were harsh and wholly unacceptable but it was like gravity and he couldn't stop himself.  It was strange.  He said "you know how to genuinely love someone" and "I don't have a clue and all I am doing is screwing this up."  That was the closest I will ever get to an apology but it reminds me that he is a very sad man.

[Achaya]

Achaya, I honestly believe that that are not capable of love or hate; it has no reflection on us being loving.  I think they suffer from a need to find an identity / attraction (which seems loving) and rage (which comes across as hate).  It's the tension between enmeshment (come closer) and engulfment (go away) and it seems like they cannot navigate any feelings or emotions that fall between those extremes. I started to notice that my ex had some type of awareness that something odd was happening with him, and that it wasn't based on anything that I had done or said, but it was like he couldn't stop himself.  I think that his attempts to find that middle ground made him frustrated and made him feel somewhat defective.  It was almost like he was watching something that he knew was good and healthy for him be destroyed for no plausible reason; he also had a few moments of recognition that he was doing and saying things to me that were harsh and wholly unacceptable but it was like gravity and he couldn't stop himself.  It was strange.  He said "you know how to genuinely love someone" and "I don't have a clue and all I am doing is screwing this up."  That was the closest I will ever get to an apology but it reminds me that he is a very sad man.

During our last face to face meeting I told my ex, as gently as possible, that I thought there was more to her decision to end our relationship than the vague ones she gave me. I reminded her that she had told me before we got involved that she questioned her ability to love, and she had described doing with other people what she was now doing with me. She confirmed that it was the same pattern, and I then told her that I think there is enough evidence to say that it is primarily her stuff that is sabotaging her relationships. I did not say BPD. She texted me a few days later and told me she had been very upset since that conversation.My sense is that she actually did face the reality that this pathological relating pattern has controlled and destroyed all her relationships. She told me "it is helpful" to have finally seen this.

I avoided going into this with her because I did not want to continue in any sort of caretaker role after the breakup and she didn't want that either. She obviously is not carrying out the destructive relating pattern consciously and is upset to see clearly how it has been playing out in her life. In this sense she has no control at all over it. On the other hand, most of the time when she was distant, the distancing was congruent with everything else she was experiencing. She told me that at those times she would be thinking about moving to another city or just being single. No part of her felt connected to me at those times as far as I know, so there was no conflict, and no sense of loss. The absence of a sense of loss is the most abnormal and most devastating aspect of her demeanor now. It is why I cannot stand to be around her, or talk to her even by text.

[apollotech]

"She told me that at those times she would be thinking about moving to another city or just being single. No part of her felt connected to me at those times as far as I know, so there was no conflict, and no sense of loss. The absence of a sense of loss is the most abnormal and most devastating aspect of her demeanor now. It is why I cannot stand to be around her, or talk to her even by text."

That is objectification; it allows them complete detachment as we are no longer people: Not a person, no pain involved in stomping on them or leaving them. Quite a nice and tidy little deal for the pwBPD. It wasn't you Achaya.

[Olivia_D]

"That is objectification; it allows them complete detachment as we are no longer people: Not a person, no pain involved in stomping on them or leaving them. Quite a nice and tidy little deal for the pwBPD. It wasn't you Achaya.

Apollo, You are spot on.  I changed a lightbulb the other day and I immediately threw it in the trash.  I didn't spend a minute grieving the loss of the lightbulb and I didn't go back to visit the trash can.  That's the closet thing I can do to relate to how they "let go."

[apollotech]

Olivia,

It is exactly why they "let go" so easily and move on to the next victim so quickly. It is a mad existence to be involved with a pwBPD---up is down, right is left, love begets hate, etc. We get the royal mind/emotional screw and then the unceremonious send off. They move on unfettered by their actions/behaviors. Cursed introspection on our side... .LOL!

[Achaya]

In her breakup note to me my ex said "I must step out of this relationship." I immediately got this image of a person stepping out of a nearly empty streetcar that continued to go on after her exit, driven by its now very lonely driver through the empty nighttime streets. In my city there is an area downtown where people can hop on and off the streetcars at any point, for free. I wonder if my ex thinks about our relationship that way, as a kind of mobile home she can return to at any point, no obligation incurred.

Apollo, I wasn't sure how you saw the "objectification" in this context, but I think I get what you are saying now. A streetcar is an object, even if the driver isn't, and the streetcar doesn't feel pain when the passenger steps off. That is what it is there for.

[apollotech]

"Apollo, I wasn't sure how you saw the "objectification" in this context, but I think I get what you are saying now. A streetcar is an object, even if the driver isn't, and the streetcar doesn't feel pain when the passenger steps off. That is what it is there for."

Achaya,

In her mind, the BPD mind, you were objectified; you were no longer a person. I suspect that you sensed that she had this view of you; that's what drove you to feel the disconnect---basically, you weren't being treated like a person, but rather, like an object. It's the same broken mechanism/thought processing they use when idealizing or devaluing us---we are all good or all bad. That type of thinking has absolutely nothing to do with the "real" person it's directed at. It is wholly, you became wholly, a "product" (not a person) of her mind. It is the apex of absolute disrespect. As a result of this objectification, they have carte Blanche to do or act as they please. You're not a person with feelings/thoughts/dreams/expectations/needs/wants/strengths/weaknesses/etc., so why consider you, an object, in the equation? Olivia's example of her thoughts/actions regarding the lightbulb are right on track. Unfortunately, a pwBPD can treat a Non with those same disregards as well. We are completely robbed of not only "who" we are, but "what" we are.

[Achaya]

Apollo,

Another piece of objectification was a comment when we were dealing with the property exchange: "I have always just walked away from these things." (She was referring to the fact that during past breakups she left it to the jilted partner to figure out what to do with her belongings. My ex would replace the possessions when she got into her new place, which was generally with the next partner. Both the former partner and the possessions were tossed out and replaced each time).

The part that really bothered me about the comment, however, was her inclusion of our relationship breakup in the term "these things." You know, even hurricanes have names. I couldn't figure out what bothered me so much about this until you explained the objectification process. I assume this means she is very disconnected on some levels from her own feelings as well as mine. It's hard to tell, because she has been emotional about the breakup, not about losing me as a partner but about losing me as an important person in general in her life.

[Olivia_D]

Achaya,

When someone sees you as an object, they de-personalize you and treat you as a thing or a utility or a service provider.  As it has been explained to me, the person that "objectifies" another person is typically incapable of bonding with another human being.  So, instead of bonding, the person that is objectifying you looks to you not as a whole person but either a thing or a utility.  For instance, some seek to enhance their career and attach to someone that give them a leg up in that particular field; some need/want to be financially supported and seek another as a personal ATM; some may be attracted to your lifestyle, hobbies, friends, your personality, your career, your "____" (fill in the blank).  They are typically drawn to you for whatever they are lacking in their life and seek for you to provide that to them.  To us, it can feel like genuine connectedness as they can be very charming in their pursuit of their objective.  This does not mean that in some way that they weren't really "trying" to be there as many believe that "this time, this relationship" will be different from the rest as I have found that "thing" that will fix me.  However, over time, they start to get that nagging feeling again as that initial attraction to the "thing" that they were pursuing "this time" actually wants to engage in a meaningful relationship.  They don't know how to do that.  I think in their mind, if this "thing" were so perfect for me "it" wouldn't be asking me to reciprocate, empathize, relate on a meaningful level, et cetera.  Their inability to be able to relate starts to create anxiety and tension and they don't know how to deal with this inner turmoil, either.  Because they cannot sort out this inner turmoil, the "thing" must be the problem.  Maybe this "thing" is broken and is of no use or utility to me.  Maybe I need go to the store and get another thing.  This is when you fall off of that pedestal from being idealized to being devalued.  For me, the devaluation process started as soon as I set a boundary or asked for any type of reciprocation or I needed or wanted something.  As soon as I started to seek some form of reciprocity, he started to slowly but surely chipping away at every little thing, he was a little less available, had more work excuses, didn't email as much, et cetera.  He might as well as sent me a note stating you are a "thing," and "things don't talk" and "I have defined your role in my life and you are deviating from this script / role that I have in my mind of what you shall and shall not be in my life."  I started to notice the breezes getting colder, I had been through the devaluation process in the past with a full-spectrum NPDexH.  Instead of back pedaling and apologizing for interrupting the King's pre-defined script of my role in his life, I started to pay attention to the distancing, avoidance, et cetera.  I actually went him a note asking if we could get together and "clear the air" knowing that that if this truly was the devaluation process that I was prompting a discard.  I was immediately discarded. 

So, my analogy of the lightbulb was pretty correct.  As long as I was the shiny little light that you could turn on and off, when it suited him, it was okay.  A light bulb doesn't ask about reciprocation.  When the light bulb no longer no longer provides you with light (its utility), you throw it away and get another one.  You don't bond with a lightbulb as it is a "thing."  Their inability to bond with another human being is something that will be carried out throughout their life and is not simply applicable to a particular person or relationship--it is a deeply rooted attachment disorder that follows them throughout life.

Your example of the street car is similar to the lightbulb.  A street car is a service, a utility, that serves your needs.  You hop on, you hop off, but you don't bond with a street car nor do you stand on the sidewalk and grieve it when it passes by.  She may be truly sad about the loss of your relationship.  I think in some way they are aware of their lifelong pattern.  I think that each time they enter into a new relationship they genuinely think that this relationship is "the one," and they idealize both you and the relationship (which is another form of not seeing you as a whole person and objectifying you).  This is "the" relationship that will "fix me."  It's almost a way for them to deny that they have issues in that they can say, it's not me that has problems I just haven't found the right person (to rescue me).  So, her grief at the loss of the relationship could be that this was the "thing" that was supposed to fix me and now I am sad because I have to keep looking for a solution / someone to rescue me.  I think in some way they recognize their pattern and I think sometimes there is a recognition that they are toying with and hurting good people (my exBPD had a few moments of owning this).  I think that there is panic after they have discarded you that maybe the "thing" can be fixed or refurbished.  Maybe you offered to her the love and support that a parent didn't give her in her childhood?  Maybe having you in her life was a form of therapy?  Maybe it eased her anxiety?  Even if these things are true, it would still make you a "thing" as that is filling a role or providing a service.

It is incredibly upsetting to feel used and treated as a "thing" as it is dehumanizing.  However, I cannot imagine what it is like to feel so disconnected emotionally from forming bonds with people that you love.  While they can walk away relatively unscathed with no remorse and just jump off the street car or turn off the light, it means that they will never truly know what it feels like to truly loved and be loved.  We that can bond and love can't just jump off of the street car and we go through a grieving / detaching process.  Part of the sadness in my grieving is knowing that it never mattered to him and trying to wrap my head around it.  It is very sad but I will grieve and heal.  Unless he gets a tremendous amount of help, he will continue this pattern for the remainder of his life.  That is incredibly sad.

[apollotech]

Achaya,

"... .she is very disconnected on some levels from her own feelings as well as mine. It's hard to tell, because she has been emotional about the breakup, not about losing me as a partner but about losing me as an important person in general in her life."

I don't think that it's so much that they "disconnect" from feelings; I think they generate/make feelings that they can deal with. When y'all split you were hurt/sorrowful/angry/confused/lost/etc., all of the normal feelings/emotions that you, a healthy person, should have. You, as a healthy person, are dealing with all of those emotions. That would be too much to handle for a pwBPD; they would be overwhelmed as they cannot self-soothe. So, in order to avoid facing said real emotions, they change reality to meet their needs, to justify their self-generated emotions. Again, objectification is one of the tools used to accomplish this end goal: Creating the Non to fit their reality, thereby justifying/validating their feelings/emotions. (Twisted, right?)

Her response to y'all's split is pretty typical BPD. You are an object, so she is not remorseful about losing you, but she is upset about losing the attachment (the relationship). I noticed in the texts that I received after I split with my BPDexgf, she was upset that we were no longer together, but she never expressed any sorrow over losing me. In fact, she stated in one text that she was not trying to get me back into her life, yet she continued to seek out a relationship with me, again and again. (I never did figure out how that relationship, not in her life but together with her, was supposed to work. Where/how were my needs and wants going to be met in her proposed relationship?) Achaya, please get it firmly affixed in your head and heart that the bad things you experienced with your partner was not/is not due to you as a person or your actions. They make us up and then try to sell that "made up" version of ourself back to us. (We all do this to some extent, but we usually don't attemp to bend reality/generate reality around it. However, you will see that being expressed on these boards with Non's that are attempting to get back to the idealization stage of the relationship. Although it felt good, the reality of the situation is that it too was fake as it was being self-generated by the pwBPD.)

[apollotech]

Achaya,

When someone sees you as an object, they de-personalize you and treat you as a thing or a utility or a service provider.  As it has been explained to me, the person that "objectifies" another person is typically incapable of bonding with another human being.  So, instead of bonding, the person that is objectifying you looks to you not as a whole person but either a thing or a utility.  For instance, some seek to enhance their career and attach to someone that give them a leg up in that particular field; some need/want to be financially supported and seek another as a personal ATM; some may be attracted to your lifestyle, hobbies, friends, your personality, your career, your "____" (fill in the blank).  They are typically drawn to you for whatever they are lacking in their life and seek for you to provide that to them.  To us, it can feel like genuine connectedness as they can be very charming in their pursuit of their objective.  This does not mean that in some way that they weren't really "trying" to be there as many believe that "this time, this relationship" will be different from the rest as I have found that "thing" that will fix me.  However, over time, they start to get that nagging feeling again as that initial attraction to the "thing" that they were pursuing "this time" actually wants to engage in a meaningful relationship.  They don't know how to do that.  I think in their mind, if this "thing" were so perfect for me "it" wouldn't be asking me to reciprocate, empathize, relate on a meaningful level, et cetera.  Their inability to be able to relate starts to create anxiety and tension and they don't know how to deal with this inner turmoil, either.  Because they cannot sort out this inner turmoil, the "thing" must be the problem.  Maybe this "thing" is broken and is of no use or utility to me.  Maybe I need go to the store and get another thing.  This is when you fall off of that pedestal from being idealized to being devalued.  For me, the devaluation process started as soon as I set a boundary or asked for any type of reciprocation or I needed or wanted something.  As soon as I started to seek some form of reciprocity, he started to slowly but surely chipping away at every little thing, he was a little less available, had more work excuses, didn't email as much, et cetera.  He might as well as sent me a note stating you are a "thing," and "things don't talk" and "I have defined your role in my life and you are deviating from this script / role that I have in my mind of what you shall and shall not be in my life."  I started to notice the breezes getting colder, I had been through the devaluation process in the past with a full-spectrum NPDexH.  Instead of back pedaling and apologizing for interrupting the King's pre-defined script of my role in his life, I started to pay attention to the distancing, avoidance, et cetera.  I actually went him a note asking if we could get together and "clear the air" knowing that that if this truly was the devaluation process that I was prompting a discard.  I was immediately discarded. 

So, my analogy of the lightbulb was pretty correct.  As long as I was the shiny little light that you could turn on and off, when it suited him, it was okay.  A light bulb doesn't ask about reciprocation.  When the light bulb no longer no longer provides you with light (its utility), you throw it away and get another one.  You don't bond with a lightbulb as it is a "thing."  Their inability to bond with another human being is something that will be carried out throughout their life and is not simply applicable to a particular person or relationship--it is a deeply rooted attachment disorder that follows them throughout life.

Your example of the street car is similar to the lightbulb.  A street car is a service, a utility, that serves your needs.  You hop on, you hop off, but you don't bond with a street car nor do you stand on the sidewalk and grieve it when it passes by.  She may be truly sad about the loss of your relationship.  I think in some way they are aware of their lifelong pattern.  I think that each time they enter into a new relationship they genuinely think that this relationship is "the one," and they idealize both you and the relationship (which is another form of not seeing you as a whole person and objectifying you).  This is "the" relationship that will "fix me."  It's almost a way for them to deny that they have issues in that they can say, it's not me that has problems I just haven't found the right person (to rescue me).  So, her grief at the loss of the relationship could be that this was the "thing" that was supposed to fix me and now I am sad because I have to keep looking for a solution / someone to rescue me.  I think in some way they recognize their pattern and I think sometimes there is a recognition that they are toying with and hurting good people (my exBPD had a few moments of owning this).  I think that there is panic after they have discarded you that maybe the "thing" can be fixed or refurbished.  Maybe you offered to her the love and support that a parent didn't give her in her childhood?  Maybe having you in her life was a form of therapy?  Maybe it eased her anxiety?  Even if these things are true, it would still make you a "thing" as that is filling a role or providing a service.

It is incredibly upsetting to feel used and treated as a "thing" as it is dehumanizing.  However, I cannot imagine what it is like to feel so disconnected emotionally from forming bonds with people that you love.  While they can walk away relatively unscathed with no remorse and just jump off the street car or turn off the light, it means that they will never truly know what it feels like to truly loved and be loved.  We that can bond and love can't just jump off of the street car and we go through a grieving / detaching process.  Part of the sadness in my grieving is knowing that it never mattered to him and trying to wrap my head around it.  It is very sad but I will grieve and heal.  Unless he gets a tremendous amount of help, he will continue this pattern for the remainder of his life.  That is incredibly sad.

Very well said Olivia! You are on the money. Unfortunately, you are correct at the end as well; it is indeed a sad life that they lead. (Maybe your exKing and my exQueen can get together and form their own Kingdom?... .LOL)

[Achaya]

Olivia, thank you for that incredible post!  You give so much clarity and so much detail about what the personality disordered person may be thinking about the other, and I suspect that a lot of what you say applies to my ex. We actually had conversations before we started dating about this relationship destroying pattern she has had. I was very anxious that this might happen to me (ah, yes, if I had only listened to my head instead of my heart), and told her so. She told me she thought it would be different with me, but I can't remember why she said it would be. I wanted to think it was because I was superior to the former partners, that I would love her more and better in all respects and would heal her wounds. I also wanted to believe that I was the Right One as she said I was, and she was more in love with me than the others.

I think that one of the things she saw in me as an object was an opportunity for her to succeed in a relationship and thereby prove that she is capable of doing so. I think that explains why she would get so angry with me when I confronted her about the obvious changes in her feelings and attitudes towards me. Based on her responses, she did not process my distress as coming from separation anxiety in me, but instead interpreted my reaction as an indictment of her as a perfect lover. I suspect I am mirroring a major relationship failure back to her now. 

[Achaya]

Achaya,


Her response to y'all's split is pretty typical BPD. You are an object, so she is not remorseful about losing you, but she is upset about losing the attachment (the relationship). I noticed in the texts that I received after I split with my BPDexgf, she was upset that we were no longer together, but she never expressed any sorrow over losing me. In fact, she stated in one text that she was not trying to get me back into her life, yet she continued to seek out a relationship with me, again and again. (I never did figure out how that relationship, not in her life but together with her, was supposed to work. Where/how were my needs and wants going to be met in her proposed relationship?) Achaya, please get it firmly affixed in your head and heart that the bad things you experienced with your partner was not/is not due to you as a person or your actions. They make us up and then try to sell that "made up" version of ourself back to us. (We all do this to some extent, but we usually don't attemp to bend reality/generate reality around it. However, you will see that being expressed on these boards with Non's that are attempting to get back to the idealization stage of the relationship. Although it felt good, the reality of the situation is that it too was fake as it was being self-generated by the pwBPD.)

Apollo,

This dialogue about objectification is very helpful! I did not know that pwBPD are upset about losing an attachment, not so much the person. Getting a clearer picture intellectually of how they approach relationships has generally been extremely helpful in helping me to separate myself from my ex emotionally. She was so lacking in self-knowledge, even though for a BPD her awareness was apparently better than most. I couldn't get information about what was happening on her side because she didn't know and didn't want to try to find out. She acted out every emotion that was important, then still didn't want to find out what her own behavior implied. I find it very interesting that a large part of what we do on these boards is describe what was enacted by the BPD, then try to make sense out of the behaviors.