A couple of thoughts

[Jack2727]

It seems that Saturday mornings always tend the be the mornings of reflection for me. I think as I continue to grow and move through what was an intense struggle I realize that a lot could have been avoided if I had a higher self worth.

Why do we put up with this behavior?

Because maybe, just maybe there is a little birdie chirping on our shoulder saying that if we walk away we will never be able to find someone as wonderful as them.

I know that was the case for me. When I can separate all the emotions and look at things realistically I know that is not the case. I know I am attractive, funny, intelligent, etc. I know it those traits that attracted her and others I have dated before.

Somewhere, all of you, are very much like me. Somewhere in your past you were made to feel that you weren't good enough. Somewhere in your past you felt that you had to be with the most perfect person so the outside world could see your worth.

The truth is, as it has been said before, people don't care about those things. People have plenty of their own issues to deal with.

We are all here because of our own core issues. I believe that we are for the most part, good people, who just want to find someone who loves and cares about us.

The truth is, though, until you can love and care about yourself, no one is going to give that back to you.

I think a lot of us will write and muse about the pain our ex's have caused us and ponder when and if they will ever return. That is an important step in the healing process. I think, at least for myself, the wounds really start to heal when you realize that your own salvation lies within.

You cannot put a band aid over the pain. Dating away the pain is only going to bring upon more people with the ability to cause even greater problems. In my mind, the only way to truly be well-adjusted and move on is to accept what happened, grieve, process everything, and realize that you have the strength and ability to be happy again.

I respect all of you and the struggles you are currently going through. I also respect the fact that all of you are trying to process these struggles in your own unique ways. For those of you who have broken N/C and have gone back out of spite or just the deep feeling of loss of connection, that's ok too.

I am honestly glad I have been able to maintain NC for as long as I have. I think its way over 100 days now! I also know if E magically reappeared I would have a greater challenge to be able to maintain it.

I guess my point is that we are all human. We all somewhere along the line had not so ideal pasts that have made us succeptable to these people. And we all have the capability to turn inwards and find ways to love ourselves.

[Achaya]

Your post certainly applies to me. Thanks for the encouragement! I am still getting by an hour at a time, but the pain is subsiding. It's amazing how driven one can feel to look for some new person to hook up with---the reality would no doubt be horrible!

[myself]

I think in some cases some of us also stuck around because we genuinely loved and cared about the person, and made plans and promises with them we felt to keep. Some had kids and homes and families together. Vows are supposed to mean something, and when not taken lightly you do your best to live up to them. Whether some of this stems from deep self esteem issues (or something else) or not would go person to person. It is true that believing in yourself does go a long way with keeping out of 'trouble'.

[dagwoodbowser]

Beautiful and thoughtful feelings well received and needed this Saturday afternoon.

Thank you!

[Trog]

Exactly how I feel about it. I have around the same days NC if you patch them all together (cheating!) and a month on the clock since LC and im about in that place.

Im quite sure I came with some childhood baggage but looking thru my past gf, they steadily get worse and worse, I take more and more crap from them until finally the worst of the lot I went and married. My first gf was kind and loving but not exciting and from there i upped the exciting/extrovert scale at the expense of 'nice and decent'!

They say God/universe presents you with more and more extreme versions of the lesson u were supposed to learn the first time round until the lesson is so painful it's learn it or die! Suffering is a great teacher and im glad to have passed the written exam finally... .Now for the practical

[Tay25]

It seems that Saturday mornings always tend the be the mornings of reflection for me. I think as I continue to grow and move through what was an intense struggle I realize that a lot could have been avoided if I had a higher self worth.

Why do we put up with this behavior?

Because maybe, just maybe there is a little birdie chirping on our shoulder saying that if we walk away we will never be able to find someone as wonderful as them.

I know that was the case for me. When I can separate all the emotions and look at things realistically I know that is not the case. I know I am attractive, funny, intelligent, etc. I know it those traits that attracted her and others I have dated before.

Somewhere, all of you, are very much like me. Somewhere in your past you were made to feel that you weren't good enough. Somewhere in your past you felt that you had to be with the most perfect person so the outside world could see your worth.

The truth is, as it has been said before, people don't care about those things. People have plenty of their own issues to deal with.

We are all here because of our own core issues. I believe that we are for the most part, good people, who just want to find someone who loves and cares about us.

The truth is, though, until you can love and care about yourself, no one is going to give that back to you.

I think a lot of us will write and muse about the pain our ex's have caused us and ponder when and if they will ever return. That is an important step in the healing process. I think, at least for myself, the wounds really start to heal when you realize that your own salvation lies within.

You cannot put a band aid over the pain. Dating away the pain is only going to bring upon more people with the ability to cause even greater problems. In my mind, the only way to truly be well-adjusted and move on is to accept what happened, grieve, process everything, and realize that you have the strength and ability to be happy again.

I respect all of you and the struggles you are currently going through. I also respect the fact that all of you are trying to process these struggles in your own unique ways. For those of you who have broken N/C and have gone back out of spite or just the deep feeling of loss of connection, that's ok too.

I am honestly glad I have been able to maintain NC for as long as I have. I think its way over 100 days now! I also know if E magically reappeared I would have a greater challenge to be able to maintain it.

I guess my point is that we are all human. We all somewhere along the line had not so ideal pasts that have made us succeptable to these people. And we all have the capability to turn inwards and find ways to love ourselves.

These are some really deep and well said phrases.

You are completely right when you say the battle is within. We all are responsible for our own happiness and self-esteem, distractions (relationships, hobbies, substances) only keep us from the self-work that needs to be done.

I can say my situation was a bit different, I knew my exgf was a bit off but I was desperate to feel love and find someone who could love me because I felt unlovable( core parental issues).

[Jack2727]

I also think that sometimes we are too hard on ourselves.

As far as I know, we really don't get a chance to select where we are placed into this world. Sometimes I get angry with God and say, why has it been so tough for me at times? It's also hard sometimes to look at social media and see people, on the surface, who have all the things I want to have.

I do admit that I have made plenty of mistakes in my life. I think I had to learn many of my own lessons. I still love my parents, although they both have issues.

Do you guys ever find yourself asking God why? I think you learn that not everyone is going to be like you. Not everyone is going to have good intentions. There are plenty of sharks out there.

I think I also know that past behavior almost certainly dictates future results. My ex E followed the same pattern that eventually engulfed me. She always would find something wrong with a guy and discard him. I think she has issues with every guy she dated. One guy didn't have a college degree, another guy was a Boy Scout leader, other one had a cat. It seemed like each guy had some fault that she needed to validate in order to disqualify.

I think on a deeper level, in her case, she was not willing to accept her faults, her imperfect family, and I think that is what is going to keep her alone for years to come.

I think some of you may get to point to where I am at. I don't hate my ex anymore. I feel sorry for her. I don't know how someone can go through life like that.

[Trog]

Up until a few weeks back yes I used to ask god why. But now I don't think it was random and I don't think anyone else, who was not disordered in some way, would have been attracted to and stayed with my wife. For me, this was not a subtle or doubting problem, my wife was very extreme & abusive and not a friend could stand her, we were total opposites and had physical and mental violence. And I stayed, I knew this even before I married. That's a really bad personal choice, so I can't blame god. Only a messed up person with extreme low self worth would take this from a partner even if in my working life I'm very successful and have a lot to thank god for.