Life through different eyes

[Ripped Heart]

Hi all,

After a short absence due to insane work commitments, I've finally made it back to the boards. Life with exBPDgf still loitering around hasn't changed much for her but having space away from her during this project has been a huge change for me.

Yesterday I got an email notification of another payday loan she has taken out and I shook my head. Firstly because I'm still included in these (I now have suspicions that I get these not because I was set up to receive them in the past but because she continues to use my email address) so my first response was to shake my head at how nothing has changed for her despite the mask she tries to wear. Secondly, I'm more than convinced I receive these on purpose because she wants/needs me to step in and "save" her. Not going to happen.

Best of all, when she does get in touch, she trips herself up so much in untruths it's unbelievable. For example, several weeks ago I was aware that she was heading down to the capital to meet replacement (because she told me a month prior to it) but then when it got nearer the time, told me she was going to the Capital for a few days with her mother to do some shopping. During that weekend, she sent me a text to ask if she could call me later because she had something to tell me, only that she didn't call. I guess for me, it was making sure she had a crutch in place should anything go wrong. Needless to say, I got a text the following day to apologise and said she desperately needed to call me. I was in the middle of some project work at the time and asked that she call later because I was busy and she took that as me being annoyed she didn't call the night before. To be honest, never even crossed my mind and not really my concern if and when she calls, if I'm busy, I'm busy and if not I'll answer. However, the reason she gave for not calling was that her daughter now has a job so she's really tired from driving to work every day and fell asleep early. I know now, that it's definitely trying to keep that hook but I'm not biting.

My T believes we are almost at an end to our sessions as I'm a very different person to last year with a very different perspective on life and things in general. My boundaries are working well and the more I work at it, the easier it becomes. I've lost that urge to rescue and I even have different perspectives on when to step in and when to step back. There is an occassional wobble but I now have enough about me to know there is a wobble and how to correct it. So my work with T in that sense is complete. What is left to do is looking to the future. My Aspergers has played a part in some of my relationships along with my FOO and upbringing. I've now made peace with the latter and working on the former. The work with T now is how not to leave myself open and close off the signals I give out or if someone does get through, how to recognise it early enough to step back.

It's been a very intense several weeks in terms of work and I'm now starting to surface back in the real world. Just glad to be back on here again now as I've missed all you guys.

[DearBFF]

Ripped Heart, congrats on your new set of eyes!    I get what you mean about surfacing back to the real world.  The first time my BFF devalued me it was like coming out of a haze.  I checked in with old friends, visited some websites/message boards I had been too busy for when I was giving her all of my time (even perceived time when I just was waiting for her call which never came).  I remember saying to hubby, "It's like all of these things I loved to do, I forgot about them for a while."  He said, "She's kind of all consuming huh?"  That was exactly it, I hadn't even realized it was like I had been swallowed alive and was always just on call instead of living my life and her just being a part of it I had let her almost take over.

when she does get in touch, she trips herself up so much in untruths it's unbelievable.

This is something I'd like to further understand; blatantly lying/white lies/lies of omission/misdirection.  It doesn't seem to be a part of BPD in the traditional sense, but it does seem to fit in with things like identity disturbance and frantic efforts to avoid abandonment.  I could see them lying/stretching the truth to convince/guilt someone into staying.  As far as identity disturbance if they have the chameleon like quality I could see them saying they like certain things with one group and saying they dislike those exact same things with another group.  However, I really don't understand if it's something they even realize they do... .  In reading the book "Lost in the Mirror" it mentions therapy contracts and how people with BPD have a strong sense of right and wrong so that if they give their word their strong sense of honor would cause them to want to hold up their end of the bargain.  However I don't feel like this is true from what I've seen in my situation, my BFF with possible BPD seemed to lie to cover her ass whenever possible!  Whenever you'd prod things you instantly felt were untrue she'd have another like to explain the first away.  Any thoughts?

[Ripped Heart]

This is something I'd like to further understand; blatantly lying/white lies/lies of omission/misdirection.  It doesn't seem to be a part of BPD in the traditional sense, but it does seem to fit in with things like identity disturbance and frantic efforts to avoid abandonment.  I could see them lying/stretching the truth to convince/guilt someone into staying.  As far as identity disturbance if they have the chameleon like quality I could see them saying they like certain things with one group and saying they dislike those exact same things with another group.  However, I really don't understand if it's something they even realize they do... .  In reading the book "Lost in the Mirror" it mentions therapy contracts and how people with BPD have a strong sense of right and wrong so that if they give their word their strong sense of honor would cause them to want to hold up their end of the bargain.  However I don't feel like this is true from what I've seen in my situation, my BFF with possible BPD seemed to lie to cover her ass whenever possible!  Whenever you'd prod things you instantly felt were untrue she'd have another like to explain the first away.  Any thoughts?

DearBFF, that's exactly how it feels where your life just becomes consumed to the point you stop doing things for yourself and it becomes all about the other person. With exBPDgf, it was drama followed by crisis, followed by drama and it was never ending. To be fair, she was never a nasty person and was quite self aware. She knew some of her actions and thoughts were irrational but that she had no control over them and she would get really upset about it. A comment she made a few weeks back now during one of her calls was about how she couldn't talk to anyone else the way she talks to me. The reason behind, I saw the person behind the mask and I chose to remain in her life. In other words, she knew everyone else only got the masked version which meant they didn't get the drama and crisis. I got that because I sorted most of it out for her and in turn, the things I loved to do slowly disappeared. The thing I learned about that though, is that's not down to them, that's down to us. We are the ones who choose to do, maybe because of our own fears of losing them (as was in my case) or sometimes because we are so focused on the other person we fail to see the affect it is having on us.

As for the blatant lying, I don't think it is. With my exN/BPDw she was extremely convincing and that's because everything she said had an element of truth to it and she would do or say things to hurt others because it made her feel better that she had that amount of power and control over others. ExBPDgf, was more like a child when it came to manipulation. For example, if there was something in a shop that she really wanted, she would make a huge song and dance about it but then finish off explaining she didn't have the money but if she did, that's what she really wanted. Because she knew, I would buy it for her so would never directly ask but acted a child does when they see something in a shop that they want.

As for the lying, I think it is the version of the truth that they believe mostly. With pwBPD, feelings = facts so if they feel something, it has to be true and if the facts behind it don't make sense, they have to be changed to match the feelings. To them, the truth must appear illogical because they wouldn't feel the way they do if that was the case so it can't possibly be true. What comes out of their mouth is probably so far off the truth but it fits with how they feel so in their mind is the truth.

The other side, especially with my situation above, is that effort to avoid abandonment. When she first told me about replacement, it was at a time she believed I "hated" her after what she did and wanted to prove that her life is good. I think after that when she realised I was still there but in a different capacity and perhaps the realisation of her own actions, the story changed because she wanted to keep that door open. She even went as far as asking if she could come and stay for a while. For her right now, to admit to something is admitting to defeat but what she fails to realise is that she isn't being judged and that's something I know she has struggled with.

Many people have asked why I've kept the contact open with my exBPDgf, it's because she isn't a bad person. She would occasionally come out with nasty comments, she was financially manipulative but much of that was down to her lack of control over money (which she admitted to right at the beginning). The story behind her abandonment was something she had no control over at all. Basically she was raised by her aunt believing that to be her mother and her aunt was actually her mother. She never found out until her "mother" died and that's when the family told her the truth. As far as I'm concerned, she has every right to feel distrustful of others because if those who are supposed to be closest to you can do that, what chance did that give her. That's why I've kept that contact but not in the way it was last year. If I can do anything, it's be that glimmer of stability and maybe that will help her in the future because I do want her to be happy.

I would also agree with you about wanting to hold up their end of the bargain. To a point. There is a big difference between someone who feels they have to do it so as not to let others down, to someone who wants to do it because it's the right thing to do, to someone who does it because they expect to gain something from it. ExBPDgf often talked about giving her word and trying to follow through but knowing it was impossible, would beat herself up over it and go into a self destructive cycle. It made her unreliable in that sense because she would start out wanting to uphold her word but almost always failing to do so. Again, like your BFF, untruths would be used to explain why things couldn't be done but knowing what I did about BPD, I rarely challenged her on that. Some of the time it was far too trivial anyway, other times I knew she wouldn't be able to come through on her word so would have a backup plan in place and use SET to show understanding of her situation.

At the very end though, she used the things that she had promised to keep reappearing. Such as I bought her a car and she promised to pay me back for it. She never did but after the r/s ended, every time she wanted to get in touch it was to tell me she would pay me the money. My response to that was that I asked that given her situation, she used the money to help herself out and her daughter and that one day, when things were good for her and in a better position, that she do something to help someone else in difficulty and that would be my repayment.

[DearBFF]

I saw the person behind the mask and I chose to remain in her life.

I really don't think she has another me in her life, as you said someone who has seen behind the mask and decided to stay.  Her family doesn't get her mostly because she doesn't let them that close.  Plus the whole family has so many scars... .Her father was a drug addict (is now in jail soon to be released on meth lab charges), who may have also abused her.  Her mother (who most likely also has BPD) had men in and out of BFF's life since she was only 12 years old.  Also, her mother relies heavily on alcohol when she's feeling down and is already medicated with depression and anxiety; and if my BFF tries to be honest with her about something or tries to state a difference of opinion her mother spirals into depression and says things like, "Well then I'll just kill myself!"  Her oldest brother turns to drugs a lot and is still depressed from his divorce one year ago.  Her youngest brother is only 18, and about to graduate high school after getting out of jail (also on drug charges).  Her stepfather is probably the most sane, stable individual in her life and she is pretty honest with him although not very open.  Both her mother and step father are in the health care industry, but whenever either of them broaches the subject of her behavior she just goes off the handle and will shut them out for a period of time.  At one point BFF didn't talk to her mom for over 2 years, her oldest brother for 1 year, her father only recently spoke to her on the phone after over 10 years!  Her last best friend is now engaged to be married and while recently trying to reconnect gave up when she was devalued; I don't blame her and she's only 19 years old and engaged starting her new life.

No one else sees behind BFF's mask and no one else seems to have the patience to just stick with her, and honestly they all have their own problems.  Somehow I got to this point where (while a bit down sometimes or lonesome myself) my life is pretty good and I think I have something to offer someone who may need a little more than average.  I'm a good communicator and I think I can now separate my emotions from hers to keep myself sane and happy, while still being there and listening to her.

With pwBPD, feelings = facts so if they feel something, it has to be true and if the facts behind it don't make sense, they have to be changed to match the feelings.

I have heard that somewhere else before, that feelings=facts.  It is such an odd thing to grasp, but looking at behavior it really does make sense.  Especially when I'd say something so mundane, but realizing she was on the verge of devaluing that no matter what I said she would immediately take offense and get defensive.  Then it seemed so odd, now I get it.

what she fails to realise is that she isn't being judged and that's something I know she has struggled with.

Judgement is huge with BFF... . the thing to me is I will never feel that she is a bad person for what she does; who she is is made up of many things, most of it good to  me.  She just hits these bumps in the road she doesn't know how to handle.  I've realized from reading one recent book that one of her biggest issues with me as of late is that she keeps projecting her mother onto me.  They have a complicated relationship and from about age 12 her mom would take off with some new guy leaving BFF to raise her little brother.  Yet she'd come back trying to be a mom telling her what to do, which she still does with her now 23 year old daughter.  BFF HATES this and now sometimes if I do so much as offer a suggestion immediately I'm BAD, and sound just like her mother.  The thing is I haven't changed my behavior or the way I speak for the most part (other than to stop giving advice when asked due to the no win situation for me because of the projection).  So in the beginning I could have said the exact same thing and it was fine, BFF's response was usually something like "Thank you so much for being honest with me, even when I may not want to hear it!"  Now all I get is the "you sound like my mother" bit, .

If I can do anything, it's be that glimmer of stability and maybe that will help her in the future because I do want her to be happy.

Exactly... .one changing constant she can see never moves.  That doesn't mean I want to be a whipping post and now that I've seen how it is and I've detached from her emotional projection and got my head on straight I can walk away in those times things get heated.  I can make it known up front I won't stand for it, I don't deserve it, and I'm not going for good just until she cools down.  After all she can quickly regret what she's said so if I walk away that also means she doesn't get the chance to say it, and I don't have to hear it.  I want BFF to be happy to... .it makes me so sad to hear her say, "I've never been truly happy, I can act happy, but inside I'm crying."  Nobody should have to live like that... .

ExBPDgf often talked about giving her word and trying to follow through but knowing it was impossible

I've learned with some things, like BFF would end a conversation by saying "I'll call you later."  I quickly learned it was something she'd say she didn't mean it.  So when she'd say it I'd respond with, "No you won't... ."  Sometimes she'd protest and say, "Yes I... ." but then she'd stop and say, "No you're right I won't, sorry."  What was the toughest though was when she'd make plans with my kid though because she'd be expecting BFF to come play with her and she'd never show up.  It got to the point where my daughter thought she did something wrong.  I'm realizing that if she can be a constant in my daughter's life (allowing me to make plans with her daughter instead so I know I will show up to get her instead of relying on BFF), then that's good, but if she can't be that then I may need to disengage my daughter which I hate to think about.  My daughter calls BFF aunt and call's BFF's daughter her best friend.  Thing is I'm a grown up and I can choose to be there for BFF even if it means I might get hurt in the end, but my daughter can't and I don't want her to get hurt.  So I'd need BFF to keep the kids out of it, it's not fair to them.


For me I think finally knowing that this is most likely what it is, has softened my heart and changed my mind.  I had so many people in my ear saying I should just stop being her friend, that she was not a nice person, etc... .thing is I had seen different in the good times and I could see that she never really seemed to want to act this way or say the things she says.  She feels truly bad about it all and sometimes I feel that anything I could ever say, she has already said it all and worse to herself.  Knowing now about BPD helps me put it in perspective, I can really see when it's not about me and learn ways to try to be there for her.  I just hope she'll give me the chance!  


You are so wonderful for still caring about her in a way that you could still try to show her kindness.  :-)  After everything it shows what a big heart you have!