What to do...

[Twiggy]

My adult son cut me out of his life, said his therapist told him to. He has always had issues, I took him to counsellors but none ever said any diagnosis. He is very charming,intelligent . He only had significant contact with his sister and myself. I worry that he will start the "issues " type of talking with her that he used to put me through. I worry that he is alone. I tried sending note -( just a short I'm always here for you & love you)after he told me he never wanted contact with me again. That produce a call from him that he would cut his sister out of his life if I ever contacted him again. What can or should I do?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

Hello Twiggy,

We are glad you are here asking questions and sharing your story with us.  I'm sorry to hear about your son.  It is heartbreaking when our kids decide to cut us from their lives.  How long has this been going on?  Is this the first time he has done this?

How is your daughter handling the relationship with her brother?  Is she a support to you?

Whether to continue to send short notes of love and concern when their presence makes things worse is a conundrum. It seems to be a no win situation for you.  I'm wondering if turning this around on your son might be the best way to handle this currently... .something like " I will respect your choice to not have contact with me as we all deserve to be respected.  Please know that each day I am thinking of you and wishing you peace and happiness.  Contact me when you are ready."

At this point I have more questions than answers for you as I am trying to better understand your needs and what information will best help you.

I look forward to your reply.

lbjnltx

[Twiggy]

Noticed issues around age 13, he is now 27. He quit speaking to his father around age 13-14( we were divorced, father alcoholic & didnt visit) my son would call few times a week when he first went to college , then for years once a week. Conversations would be good sometimes great, then something would set him off and the conversation would switch.  As children he was hot and cold to his sister , love & nice , then mean.  As adults they seemed to bond better than they did as kids, each speaking highly of one another. My daughter was very patient with her brother, now that he has joined me with the ranks of his father ,( exiled from his life)  my daughter is upset with him. She informs me of some of their conversations but she told him she would no way agree with his opinion of me and she wouldn't discuss me with him if he continued to blame game me.  My daughter and I have really just figured out that my son is BPD.   

My last conversation with him I did tell him I always have & will love him and be here for him in any way I can, that I hoped he was continuing with his counselor and that my heart and arms are always open wide. Did I answer some of your questions? Appreciate any suggestions

[Kate4queen]

I'm not sure what else you can do to be honest. I've heard of parents having restraining orders issued against them by the BPD adult kids for attempting to keep contacting them, which is kind of sad and worrying at the same time.

My BPD son is 23 and has cut us out of his life. I now accept that for the moment, it is better for all of us (including his young sister who I don't want him influencing as he did his younger brother) it we aren't in contact. I think you've told him you love him and the rest is up to him.  

But remember, things do change especially in the emotional black and white world of a PWBPD.

[lbjnltx]

Hello again Twiggy!

Thanks so much for the information, I can see that you have been dealing with this for a long time.  My daughter was diagnosed at 12 w/emerging BPD so my mind doesn't have to work to hard to get the gist of what you have been through with your son.

I understand that you have reached out to your son with love and concern.  It is important I think to let him know that you are honoring his request for no contact in order to hold him responsible for some of the feelings he will have from not hearing from you.  That's one of the positives I  find in this situation for both of you. If you do chose to contact him again you may want to point this out in your communication with him.

As Kate4queen points out the ever and rapidly changing world of a person suffering with BPD could land your son back in your world at any time.  The best you can do for yourself and him is to be prepared for this. Having this time of NC (no contact) will provide you the time and space to learn different ways to communicate with your son and further educate yourself about this disorder, this is another positive of NC.

Learning how to effectively communicate to your son that you hear him, you see his pain, and you are ready to support him will change the relationship dynamic.  When one person in a relationship changes, the relationship changes.

One effective communication skill that you can learn is validation.  People who suffer from BPD and traits of BPD have extraordinarily high validation needs.  Here is some info on validation to get you started:

Validate the Valid

We are here to give you support and feedback Twiggy.  Let us know what you think about this skill, validation, ask us questions and we will help you.

lbj

[thefixermom]

As others of us who have and are going through this, my heart goes out to you in a very big way.  You've been given excellent advice.  I hope you are going easy on yourself and finding ways to alleviate worry.  I found that if I could get the worry out of my head, I had a lot of peace. Always aware there was a sadness inside but the peace was welcome when it started to show itself.  I only have one child so the NC was truly NC and I didn't have the benefit of hearing news about her through others. She moved far away.  That was such a helpless and rough time but I had no choice other than to face it.  I prayed a lot and put her in God's hands. She did circle back and is currently in my life, living at home but planning to leave again and the option of NC always looms in the back of my mind.  I am very grateful you have a daughter that is in touch with him. I would do what I could to ensure that contact remains between them so long as his sister can handle it okay.  That way, at least, you will know he's okay, or if something happens.  How I wish I had someone in my life to give  me reassurance through the NC times.