Hi. Re-introduction. Mother is BPD

[DigitalGhost]

Hi everyone.  I posted on these boards a few years ago but life got in the way and I drifted away.  I'm back now b/c things have escalated and it's good to have someplace where people understand.  I thought I'd post a very brief re-introduction before I jump right into posting again, if that's ok.

My mother is BPD -- diagnosed.  She wasn't diagnosed until a few years ago when she started seeing a therapist.  She saw that therapist for about a year and then stopped going b/c she said she was "fixed/cured."  Oookay.    I think more likely was that the therapist said something she didn't like and so she stopped going.  Unfortunately my mother shares my house with me and my husband.  Husband is very supportive but after one big fight with him, years ago, she avoids him and barely talks to him (she will talk around him even if he's in the room -- talk about weird/awkward).  Things have just gotten increasingly bad and b/c we share a house right now (due to her health and financial reasons) it's impossible to escape.  The constant contact is exhausting.  The gaslighting, the projecting, splitting... .all the typical BPD stuff. 

I really try hard to be kind and understanding and to be a good daughter but I feel like no matter what I do, I'm punished for it emotionally.  I'm constantly told I'm "not nice" and that I am "miserable to be around" and that I should kill myself.  Yes, she has urged me MANY MANY times to kill myself.  I suffer from depression (life-long) and let me tell you, it's hard hearing that.  Most of her family has cut her off completely or have very limited contact with her -- for some it's email/texting only, for example.  She also doesn't have any friends.  So I'm her outlet and prime target.  Aside from the "typical" BPD things, she does weird/creepy things... .like standing in doorways staring at me or my husband, only to slowly back away, silently if we notice her.  Peeking out of the doorway to her bedroom and shutting the door quickly if we see her.  If that sounds weird, well, it IS weird.  She's also very hard to take anywhere b/c she will act out in socially inappropriate ways -- if I get embarrassed she seems to delight in it and childishly continue.  I've stopped going anywhere with her in public unless there is no choice (taking her to the doctor, for example).

I really dream of the day when my husband and I can buy another house and leave her this one and leave her to fend for herself. (I co-own our current house with her.)  I would be fine taking that financial loss.  My husband and I are both saving money like mad for this to happen and so we can move far away from her. 

It's like living with a hurricane.  You never know if it will miss you entirely or if it will turn and head right for you.  The constant stress has taken a huge toll on my physical and emotional/mental health.

Anyway, that's me.  I hope to be more active here and be able to find some strength in the fact that I'm not alone dealing with this sort of thing.  It's hard explaining it to someone unless they've been through it, too.

[Kwamina]

Hi DigitalGhost

Welcome back and thanks for posting this re-introduction

Living with a BPD parent can be quite stressful indeed. Your mother has been diagnosed and was even in therapy for a while. Do you feel like she ever really accepted her BPD diagnosis and truly acknowledged that there was something wrong with her behavior?

You are in a difficult situation now sharing a house with your mother. You are already quite familiar with the various BPD behaviors such as projecting and splitting. To help you protect your own well-being I suggest you take a look at some resources we have here about setting and defending boundaries. When it comes to dealing with someone with BPD, boundaries are very important to help you protect yourself:

Getting Our Values and Boundaries in Order

Examples of boundaries

Do you feel like setting and defending boundaries is something you are comfortable with doing when it comes to your mother?

We also have various communication techniques here that you might find helpful in dealing with your mother. One of them is D.E.A.R.M.A.N. You are a longtime member so might already be familiar with this technique. The acronym stands for: Describe, Express, Assert, Reinforce, Mindfully (keep your focus), Appear (confident) and Negotiate.

D.E.A.R.M.A.N. is used when you have an objective, you want something specific, such as to get more sleep, to have help with the chores, to affect a change or to say NO to a request.

You can read more about it here: COMMUNICATION: D.E.A.R.M.A.N. technique

You are definitely not alone in dealing with these kind of of things. It's unfortunate that you are now in the situation that you're living in the same house again as your mother, but it is what it is. For now at least. While you're in this situation, I think the resources I've shared with you might help you better deal with your mother.

Take care and I'm looking forward to seeing you around again some more

[DigitalGhost]

Thanks Kwamina -- I will definitely look over those links, thank you for them.  And I think I am going to re-read "Understanding The Borderline Mother" which I found helpful the first time around but may need a sort of refresher on it.

I'm not sure if my mother really accepted her diagnosis -- or rather, if she took it seriously.  Sometimes when she is behaving badly she will laugh it off and say, ":)on't blame me, I'm having a 'Borderline Moment!'"     So I'm not sure what her diagnosis means to her.  And I'm certain she has no concept of how she affects others. 

I do feel like I can set some boundaries in some issues.  There are certain subjects that are off limits for me.  I will say, "I don't think we can discuss this without things becoming heated so let's change the subject."  If she persists (usually does) I will reassert that and say, "I'm not discussing this with you." If she continues then, I will leave the room, or the house if I have to.  It is difficult b/c there are just SO MANY subjects that are off limits.  Even something as innocuous as the weather or a silly TV show can become a huge deal for her.  It's exhausting. 

[Kwamina]

And I think I am going to re-read "Understanding The Borderline Mother" which I found helpful the first time around but may need a sort of refresher on it.

I have read and re-read that book several times myself and also found it very helpful.

I do feel like I can set some boundaries in some issues.  There are certain subjects that are off limits for me.  I will say, "I don't think we can discuss this without things becoming heated so let's change the subject."  If she persists (usually does) I will reassert that and say, "I'm not discussing this with you." If she continues then, I will leave the room, or the house if I have to.  It is difficult b/c there are just SO MANY subjects that are off limits.  Even something as innocuous as the weather or a silly TV show can become a huge deal for her.  It's exhausting.  

I can imagine how exhausting this can be! I really like what you say here though about how you deal with her when she pushes your boundaries. You have various options available to you for dealing with these kinds of situations. This is also illustrated in workshop about examples of boundaries. You're post makes clear that you are already applying various techniques to defend your boundaries