Left without a word, feel guilty

[Hannibal Heyes]

I have written in 2013 about my friendship (although I am still in love) with my friend. We had been apart since november 2013 and in December 2014 got back into contact ( I kept in touch, even though he didn't reply). In short, we have been the best of friends since januari 2015 again (although I am still in love), and it has been a positive rollercoaster ride. He had been seeking and getting help for serious drugabuse and sees a psych every week. All this could not prevent rellapses in drugabuse and the behaviour belonging to the disorder. I tried my best to be a good friend and he has really made an effort to be a good friend as well. I do have to say that in the fights we had he has been right about some of my shortcomings. I do take ownership of that. It is almost eerie how well he saw that. I have been through a lot with him during those four monts, I went out of my way for him to get his life together, and hehas made a huge effort to get his life back together. I did something I feel really guilty about. I left without a word, because in the fight he broke in to a borderliner rage, which for me didn't feel safe anymore. So we were on holiday and after the rage he left the room, and I decided I couldn't take that anymore and took a cab and left the country. I feel sad that this happened and I feel sad that I left without a word.

[Reforming]

Hi Hannibal,

I'm sorry you're feeling such pain right now.

I have written in 2013 about my friendship (although I am still in love) with my friend. We had been apart since november 2013 and in December 2014 got back into contact ( I kept in touch, even though he didn't reply). In short, we have been the best of friends since januari 2015 again (although I am still in love), and it has been a positive rollercoaster ride. He had been seeking and getting help for serious drugabuse and sees a psych every week. All this could not prevent rellapses in drugabuse and the behaviour belonging to the disorder.

Drug abuse and BPD is a very difficult combination for anyone to deal with. I can imagine that when you're deeply involved it can be even harder. It's really positive that he's getting professional help. Overcoming a serious addiction and a PD requires a lot of work I understand that you love him and you want to help, but fixing this is his responsibility.

I tried my best to be a good friend and he has really made an effort to be a good friend as well. I do have to say that in the fights we had he has been right about some of my shortcomings. I do take ownership of that. It is almost eerie how well he saw that. I have been through a lot with him during those four monts, I went out of my way for him to get his life together, and he has made a huge effort to get his life back together.

Though people with BPD frequently struggle to regulate their feelings they are very perceptive about others. We all have weaknesses and it's healthy to acknowledge them but it's often easier and less uncomfortable to focus on the shortcomings of others.

It's really positive that he's working so hard to get his life together again. Do you think he'll be able to continue this work on his own?

I'm asking because I know from my experience that that the desire to rescue can be very strong.

I did something I feel really guilty about. I left without a word, because in the fight he broke in to a borderliner rage, which for me didn't feel safe anymore. So we were on holiday and after the rage he left the room, and I decided I couldn't take that anymore and took a cab and left the country. I feel sad that this happened and I feel sad that I left without a word.

I'm sorry that this happened and I can understand how painful it can feel. It's clear you have tried very hard to help and support him, but don't you deserve to feel safe?

From what you said it's clear that his behaviour crossed a line and you asserted a healthy boundary by leaving.

Do you need to explain or apologise for that?

Most of the time action speaks more clearly than words and if he's as perceptive as you suggest he understands why you left.

Missing him and feeling sad about what happened is very understandable too. It's tough, but we're here for you

Reforming

[Hannibal Heyes]

Dear Reforming,

Thanks for your care and your reply. To be honest I don't think he will be able to stay away from the drugs. He has been in clinics and rehab before. He lives in the city in our country which is worldy know for its drugs. We were really close and that, as we all know, triggers the disorder. He did make an effort about everything, went back to school, got work, tried hard, but without a proper suport system, he is like a kid in a candy store, he is very manly and atrractive, and in that scene and in that world, that is a very dangerous combination. I feel sad, because I see every we time we are together he tries to make an effort and shows remorse. I don;t want to come over as a male Florence Nightingale, but in those 5 months I have been there when it counted and to see a beautiful person destroy (not intentionally) himself is vey sad to see, then to have that same person turn against you, it happened before and I never took it personally, but we weren't on neutral ground, in a strange country and then to be on the receiving end of the borderliner rage was hard, even though his remarks had truth in them. Looking back I felt I maybe could have said that I was not taking this and would leave. Now I just waited for the right opportunity to bail out. It's hard, It has been a good friendship and I feel bad to have left him behind. thanks for your time. I appreciate that a lot.

[Reforming]

Dear Reforming,

Thanks for your care and your reply. To be honest I don't think he will be able to stay away from the drugs. He has been in clinics and rehab before. He lives in the city in our country which is worldy know for its drugs. We were really close and that, as we all know, triggers the disorder. He did make an effort about everything, went back to school, got work, tried hard, but without a proper suport system, he is like a kid in a candy store, he is very manly and atrractive, and in that scene and in that world, that is a very dangerous combination. I feel sad, because I see every we time we are together he tries to make an effort and shows remorse. I don;t want to come over as a male Florence Nightingale, but in those 5 months I have been there when it counted and to see a beautiful person destroy (not intentionally) himself is vey sad to see, then to have that same person turn against you, it happened before and I never took it personally, but we weren't on neutral ground, in a strange country and then to be on the receiving end of the borderliner rage was hard, even though his remarks had truth in them. Looking back I felt I maybe could have said that I was not taking this and would leave. Now I just waited for the right opportunity to bail out. It's hard, It has been a good friendship and I feel bad to have left him behind. thanks for your time. I appreciate that a lot.

Thanks for sharing

I think those moments of clarity and self awareness can make these relationships so heartbreaking and difficult to walk away from.

They feel like glimpses of the person underneath, the person we think they could be if they are healed or fixed. But this is just one part of the person.

The really sad, hard truth is that we can't heal them or fix another person no matter how hard we try.

Some of us seek to be rescued, the problem is that when we try rescue or heal another we enable their dependency and they never learn how to look after themselves. We all need to do this in order to be happy and autonomous.

I would add that I tried to assert boundaries in words many times, but I realise now that often doing is much more important than saying.

I hope you're ok

Reforming

[apollotech]

"I left without a word, because in the fight he broke in to a borderliner rage, which for me didn't feel safe anymore. So we were on holiday and after the rage he left the room, and I decided I couldn't take that anymore and took a cab and left the country. I feel sad that this happened and I feel sad that I left without a word."

You are not dealing with a person that is normal (healthy) and displaying normal (healthy) behavior. Don't feel guilty about protecting yourself. You are obligated to do so. He put you in the position where you had to make that call. That is on him, not you. You are not obligated to protect nor save him. That is ultimately his responsibility. It's great that he's making strides in that direction.

[Hannibal Heyes]

"I left without a word, because in the fight he broke in to a borderliner rage, which for me didn't feel safe anymore. So we were on holiday and after the rage he left the room, and I decided I couldn't take that anymore and took a cab and left the country. I feel sad that this happened and I feel sad that I left without a word."

You are not dealing with a person that is normal (healthy) and displaying normal (healthy) behavior. Don't feel guilty about protecting yourself. You are obligated to do so. He put you in the position where you had to make that call. That is on him, not you. You are not obligated to protect nor save him. That is ultimately his responsibility. It's great that he's making strides in that direction.

Thanks for your reply. In my head I know that I made a decission which was right for me. I do believe in unconditional love and friendship and I should have at least let him know what my plans were. The one thing I promised not to do I did and that was to not abandon him. I feel sad, I miss him and I feel sad that people have BPD, you would not wish this to your worst enemy. Thanks you all for taking the time to read my post... .