Mother's Day~

[Depression = 72% of members]

I'm a daughter of a mother diagnosed with Bipolar (rapid cycling), as well as BPD, and anorexia, to name a few. I've tried keeping her in my life even though she did not start to seek treatment and get properly diagnosed until I was 29. I'm now 40. The first 30 years were literally all about her. I'm still trying to figure out who I am.

I have 6 children and have recently decided that it would be in our best interests to have LC or NC with her. She tries to manipulate my children with expensive gifts and catering to their every whim even though I've told her we don't want them having certain things unless they earn them. It's all done to please her regardless of the affect it has on anyone else. She also tells them that I'm mean to her and paints me as an abuser to anyone who will listen. This is particularly difficult to deal with because she is basically projecting herself unto me and rather than get my pain and suffering validated I am instead paying the price for HER abuse and mistakes. It's a sick and twisted and very painful situation.

Yesterday was a very painful day. I cried all day and felt very angry. I did not hear from my mother which I was happy about, but what was sad is that my dad does not reach out to me because he is the text book enabling domicile husband that does what she says and has her back regardless of how unreasonable she is being. So in having NC with her I am also losing my father. I've already become alienated from almost all of my family. A few by choice, but many sort of mysteriously faded away during times that my mom and I had issues. She has always appointed herself the middleman to everyone and I never really talked to anyone directly. It was always through her. Even if I sent out an invitation to someone directly for a party I was having, they would RSVP to HER and never call me. It's very odd and has always frustrated me!

Yesterday I just couldn't stop the flood of emotions and pain. I felt so annoyed about my own mother and in turn feel like I deserve more. I'm actually worried at this point that I'm acting like she would act which terrifies me. I don't need to be worshiped by any means, but on Mother's Day I wish I could be surrounded by my children and just feel loved and appreciated by them and let them know that I love being their mother, but it wasn't anything even close. My husband gave me a card that was essentially from our dogs. I just felt very strange and confused about how upset I was. I've never really felt validated and honestly am still trying to figure out who I am. A lot of her is so engrained in my personality that I hear her sometimes and see her when I look in the mirror. I can't stand myself at times and feel completely awful. Although, I do not do the things that she did such as cheating and raging over anything and everything... .I feel like when I have emotions they scare me because I think back to her and all emotions seem negative and potentially damaging. Does that make sense? I am really dedicated to being a good mom and wife and not passing this pain onto anyone else. I just worry non stop that that's exactly what I could be doing.

[desertmom15]

I'm a daughter of a mother diagnosed with Bipolar (rapid cycling), as well as BPD, and anorexia, to name a few. I've tried keeping her in my life even though she did not start to seek treatment and get properly diagnosed until I was 29. I'm now 40. The first 30 years were literally all about her. I'm still trying to figure out who I am.

I have 6 children and have recently decided that it would be in our best interests to have LC or NC with her. She tries to manipulate my children with expensive gifts and catering to their every whim even though I've told her we don't want them having certain things unless they earn them. It's all done to please her regardless of the affect it has on anyone else. She also tells them that I'm mean to her and paints me as an abuser to anyone who will listen. This is particularly difficult to deal with because she is basically projecting herself unto me and rather than get my pain and suffering validated I am instead paying the price for HER abuse and mistakes. It's a sick and twisted and very painful situation.

Yesterday was a very painful day. I cried all day and felt very angry. I did not hear from my mother which I was happy about, but what was sad is that my dad does not reach out to me because he is the text book enabling domicile husband that does what she says and has her back regardless of how unreasonable she is being. So in having NC with her I am also losing my father. I've already become alienated from almost all of my family. A few by choice, but many sort of mysteriously faded away during times that my mom and I had issues. She has always appointed herself the middleman to everyone and I never really talked to anyone directly. It was always through her. Even if I sent out an invitation to someone directly for a party I was having, they would RSVP to HER and never call me. It's very odd and has always frustrated me!

Yesterday I just couldn't stop the flood of emotions and pain. I felt so annoyed about my own mother and in turn feel like I deserve more. I'm actually worried at this point that I'm acting like she would act which terrifies me. I don't need to be worshiped by any means, but on Mother's Day I wish I could be surrounded by my children and just feel loved and appreciated by them and let them know that I love being their mother, but it wasn't anything even close. My husband gave me a card that was essentially from our dogs. I just felt very strange and confused about how upset I was. I've never really felt validated and honestly am still trying to figure out who I am. A lot of her is so engrained in my personality that I hear her sometimes and see her when I look in the mirror. I can't stand myself at times and feel completely awful. Although, I do not do the things that she did such as cheating and raging over anything and everything... .I feel like when I have emotions they scare me because I think back to her and all emotions seem negative and potentially damaging. Does that make sense? I am really dedicated to being a good mom and wife and not passing this pain onto anyone else. I just worry non stop that that's exactly what I could be doing.

[ForeverDad]

Relax.  The very fact that you're concerned about this is indication that you are aware and careful to not consciously follow her path.  And your self-reflection will make the improper behaviors very apparent if you should happen to mimic her more extreme behaviors.  Most likely all you have are fleas caught from years of proximity to her?  It's not you or who you are and over time you will be better able to handle, address and short-circuit those inclinations.

She sounds like the mother in Everyone loves Raymond.

Deal with what is.  On the one hand it is good that she is in therapy.  On the other hand, is she really improving or does it appear to be mostly for show thus far?  Being in therapy doesn't ensure she will change how she treats you and the children - or improve enough.

Most distressing are the decades of exposure to her poor behaviors.  You can undo much of it over time.  Do you have your own counselor to assist you over the rough spots, such as for the holidays she has most impacted?  Of course, peer support such as is found here is a type of shared-load therapy as well.

[desertmom15]

Relax.  The very fact that you're concerned about this is indication that you are aware and careful to not consciously follow her path.  And your self-reflection will make the improper behaviors very apparent if you should happen to mimic her more extreme behaviors.  Most likely all you have are fleas caught from years of proximity to her?  It's not you or who you are and over time you will be better able to handle, address and short-circuit those inclinations.

She sounds like the mother in Everyone loves Raymond.

Deal with what is.  On the one hand it is good that she is in therapy.  On the other hand, is she really improving or does it appear to be mostly for show thus far?  Being in therapy doesn't ensure she will change how she treats you and the children - or improve enough.

Most distressing are the decades of exposure to her poor behaviors.  You can undo much of it over time.  Do you have your own counselor to assist you over the rough spots, such as for the holidays she has most impacted?  Of course, peer support such as is found here is a type of shared-load therapy as well.

Yes, I would say much of it is learned behavior as she's been at the forefront of my life at all times. She needs to be very much involved in everything and will call/text from sun up to sun down. Then when she's upset it's complete silence for weeks until she switches gears and it all starts over again. So this roller coaster has definitely impacted my own behavior as well as the fact that I have had no positive role modeling of how a healthy mother behaves other than what I've seen in other people's mothers. I have to constantly go against what I learned and what seems like it should be o.k. and tell myself "No, this is not healthy. This is not normal.". It's kind of like being in a cult and worshiping the leader for so many years then escaping and trying to be a normal person.

She isn't currently in therapy. When she is in therapy she's a little more open minded and seems more aware of what she's saying and doing. The problem is that she won't continue with it and quits after a month or so. She just blames everything on being bipolar and doesn't want to admit that the BPD is a huge factor in much of what goes on and requires regular therapy.

I was getting counseling some years ago and diagnosed with PTSD and depression. It was helping to go to sessions, but at that time I was still too enmeshed with her to realize how negatively she was affecting me. I felt obligated to be her best friend and confidant and felt bad for her and all she'd been through in her own childhood. It's only been recently that I feel like I don't want her in my life and need to have her and her demons exorcised from own spirit. I feel completely over her and her problems and want to have my own life and become whoever the heck I was supposed to become 20+ years ago as well as protect my children from being caught up with her.

[ForeverDad]

If she isn't really applying her sometimes therapy, then she is unlikely to improve much.  Likely you will have to take charge of your relationship with her, well, to the extent you allow a relationship.  It's okay to be Mama Bear when necessary to protect yourself and your family.

[desertmom15]

She sounds like the mother in Everyone loves Raymond.

This morning she sent me an email (after not wanting to speak to me a few weeks ago and going silent). It was a listing for a house on her street! She wants us to move right next to her. She IS Marie from Everyone Loves Raymond! The email ended with a P.S. letting me know that HER zip-code is the most desirable according to recent reports. My husband shuddered and immediately deleted the email. Sometimes you don't know if you should laugh or cry... .

I do agree with you about her not doing therapy and basically there's not much I can do other than protect my kids and my sanity at this point.