Trying to cope

[Mayjar68]

I have been apart from my exbf for almost 3 months and it's hard for me. I think he has BPD as he displays many of symptoms stated. I was with him for 6 years and 5 of those years he did not have sex with me. The last 3 years I felt he was cheating and became a bit of a detective trying to find evidence. I caught him getting a blowjob outside with a woman last year and gave him a second chance as he swore it was a one off. There was lots of lies and truthfully I ignored all the signs until I caught him with her again. He moved out and left me and really has not explain why. I met his new girlfriend and she told me it had been going for 18 months and that he called her the very next day after I caught them ( I found out it was outside her house, which is a minute away from me ) I even caught them in the pub together and coz I didn't recognise her they engaged me in conversation. He told me knew her from work. I know she has been in my house. He went for counselling when we split to deal with the sexual abuse he suffered when a child. He text me to tell me that he had finished the free sessions and was told to say sorry for hurt he had caused me. He actual words were to tell me he was liar and a cheat and his life is a lie. He wanted to hurt people as he had been hurt and he got a massive ego boost from me being in the pub with his now girlfriend. I'm confused he knows I have no family and have been through a lot why would he want to hurt me. Knowing he is around the corner with this girl is hard to bear.

[ReclaimingMyLife]

Hi Mayjar68, so sorry for all you've been through and are going through.  I am glad you are here.  There is wonderful support and wisdom here on this website.  It has made such a difference for me recovering through what was such a confusing and traumatic b/u.  Please keep reading and sharing.  It helps. 

I have no family and have been through a lot why would he want to hurt me. Knowing he is around the corner with this girl is hard to bear.

You ask why.  A question seems everyone here asks.  Why did they do what they did?  Why did we stay?  He gave you an answer as to why: 

he was liar and a cheat and his life is a lie. He wanted to hurt people as he had been hurt

That is his why.  It isn't cool or can be very hard to understand, but it is his why.  We all have our why's. 

A friend recently told me about a book he'd read about loss.  The author of the book said after a loss, don't ask why;  instead ask how?  We'll never truly know why.  But we can ask how.  How can we help?  How can we recover?  How do we want our life to look now?  How do we make that happen?  How do we avoid the same mistakes?  How do we move forward and succeed?  How do we want our next relationship to work?  Why is the question that leave us in pain.  How is the question that leads us forward. 



Sorry you need to be here but glad you found us!

[Mayjar68]

Thank you for replying like I said having a real time understanding. Said he had sexual problem ( I think this to be true coz of Internet viagra ) coz I loved him I said that sex is not be all and end all. Was wrong my confidence and self esteem went down. To find out that he denied me sex while getting his for 5 years is crushing I think it's so cruel.  Why didn't he just leave ? All the time we were planning our future ! Do BPD withdraw sex from their partners while having affairs ? I feel bad in myself and currently in a just sexual relationship with someone. Which on one side I like im getting great amazing sex with someone who is nice but on the other hand I keep thinking why my exbf did not want me sexually but wanted to live with me. We parted coz I caught him again with same girl someone he had been having a sexual relationship for 18 months.  My sexual partner loves my body and thinks I'm attractive but I'm still crushed at the way I've been treated. I know he feels no remorse for the hurt he has caused me

[patientandclear]

I wouldn't assume he feels no remorse. People with BPD can be swamped by shame. He went to counseling--sounds like something was bothering him about what happened. And he did apologize with words that sound truthful.

Please know that some people cannot be physically and emotionally intimate with the same person. Sexual abuse seems to create that problem for some survivors. My ex seems to be that way. He would really like to be emotionally intimate with me but rules out sex, despite that we had what he seems to regard as a wonderful sexual r/ship. It's obvious scary for him at a deep level.

What you went through is very hurtful but I hope you can find a way not to take it as a rejection of your body or yourself.

[Mayjar68]

I'm having hard time processing what he said to me that he wanted to hurt means that having me sit there with the women he was having an affair with an ego boost. How could this be that this man who lived with me for 6 years be like that to me is hard to comprehend. I sent money to his kids mother and kids when they wanted money quickly sent to them ( he has not got internet banking ) how could he not remember that! It makes me feel scared that he was with me and yet part of me wonders what I did so wrong to get in this position. How do I move on when everything is so close, his new girlfriend lives around the corner and they have been everywhere where I live. I feel trapped and I'm alone with my thoughts as its only so much that friends can hear the same old story. I know I must move on and sometimes I think I'm there and then I just feel down. Will I ever get over this ? Can I ever trust anyone again ?