After 120+ Days I Broke NC

[Jack2727]

I did it.

I broke NC. I didn't speak to her though. I wrote her a closure text, as well as closure emails to her parents. There was nothing mean or malicious to them. I just felt I needed to get some closure.

A little part of me feels down for breaking NC but it really came to a point where I needed to do that in order to move on. There was/is still a part of myself that wanted her to come back.

Yeah, its emotional today but I feel that I needed to do it.

All props and support to those of you who are currently NC and have broken. I feel you all!

[cosmonaut]

It's important to remember that NC is a tool, not a rule.  It's OK to choose to have contact.  You felt you needed to.  Do you feel like your closure texts and emails have helped?  What is your plan for going forward?  Do you intend to maintain some form of contact?

Hang in there, Jack.  These emotional days happen, and it's natural in our healing.  I get them even still sometimes.  What are you primarily feeling today?

[Jack2727]

I think they have helped me to the point to where I said what i needed to say. I guess I could liken it as a post Super Bowl press conference. I've lost the game and now it's the offseason. I feel like the last five months were building up to yesterday. When she didn't reach out for my birthday I pretty much came to the conclusion she was not going to do so anytime soon. I didn't want to prolong my suffering any longer. I kind of felt like I needed to provide my own closure. My ego hurts for breaking NC but heck I lasted four months.

I guess there is the optimist in me that wanted to believe that she didn't replace me and was going to come back. I wanted to believe that she was going through the same things I was going through. Every ex up until her did come back and did keep contact after the b/u. I think my ego took a hit due to the fact I was abandoned in the way i was. But I know now what she is, or what elements are part of her personality. As tough as it is to stomach, I have come to accept that I may never see her again.

So I guess the real healing starts now. I still have some other non ex related elements to take care of. My job situation is still the same as it was in Dec and I am starting to lose weight. Down a little this week and lowest I've been since last fall. I guess now I'm going to focus more on a new future.

I did leave the door open for future contact with her but I made it crystal clear that she had to make the effort. Her pattern is to spy on ex via social media and not to reach out. I told her if she wanted to be part of my life she needed to make an effort. I did leave on good terms with her and her parents. My text to her was a bit emotional. I did block her temporarily so I don't know if she responded.

I guess now it's all about rebuilding. I want to start dating casually again. Probably once my job situation is straightened out.

I guess there is a bit of relief but a ton of loss. I really didn't want this to end this way. I know she is one person and plenty of other women out there. This is just hard.

Thanks though Cosmo.

[lawman79]

Jack

You situation has some close parells to my own.  We broke up and have had no NC since the very begining of January, so also 120+ days... .the NC has been mutual.  My birthday is next week, and I have strong mixed feelings about possibly hearing from her.

Unlike yours, my break up was very ugly... .she is/was a very brutal cruel and violent person.  I know full well that I can't have any communication with her period.  All of my friends and family are ready to jump on me and have an intervention if I do.  But still... .a small part of me wants her back.  I doubt I will hear from her on my bday next week (which is probably for the best for me) but I also know that it will hurt when I don't.  I know it's not a great attitude... .but I just want my birthday to come and go quickly.  I am hopeful that this will be the last event that I view this way. 

[Jack2727]

Lawman,

My bday was tough! You'll make it through though.

The ironic thing is that the ex that pretty much spurred me to go after my last ex wished me a happy bday. GO FIGURE! LOL.

[lawman79]

I know I will make it through... .it just can't come and go quick enough.  I egenerally don't like bdays as it is.  I am only turning 36... .so not too bad. 

I don't know what's worse hearing from her or not hearing from her (We dated for a little over a year)? In the long run I imagine hearing from her would be worse.  I think I am in the same boat as you that reality will set in that NC is permanent after this one.  Unlike you,  I will not be contacting her after.  She was so scary. cruel and toxic... .god knows what she would do if my contact rubbed her the wrong way. 

[cosmonaut]

This is really hard, Jack.  I completely agree.  It's been the most emotionally painful and confusing experience of my life.  I am with you on how hard this is.  You are in grief at the loss of your relationship and the loss of someone you love and care about from your life.  I had to go through that too.  It's a crucial part of healing.  Hard as this it, I think you have the right attitude about things.  You are realizing that you have to let go.  One of the most difficult aspects of these breakups is the acceptance that we are not in control of the outcome.  We can't make our partners confront their disorder, and we can't single-handedly rescue the relationship.  That's really tough when we love our partner.  Almost all of us here wanted things to work out with our partners, but we are just not in control of making that happen.  Acceptance of that is hard, but necessary.  It will take time.  It did for me.

The other very difficult aspect is that there is no closure, just as you are experiencing.  We have to provide our own closure.  If writing your texts and emails helped you with that, then that's great.  You're moving forward.  Just try not to depend out any response of hers to seeking your closure.  It has to come from within us.  And that takes time too.

Hang in there, Jack.  From the vantage point of over a year out, I can tell you that it gets easier.  The pain will dull and the longing decrease with time.  You will find yourself looking forward more and back less.  Keep going, man.  It gets better.  You're on the way already.   

[Fr4nz]

This is really hard, Jack.  I completely agree.  It's been the most emotionally painful and confusing experience of my life.  I am with you on how hard this is.  You are in grief at the loss of your relationship and the loss of someone you love and care about from your life.  I had to go through that too.  It's a crucial part of healing.  Hard as this it, I think you have the right attitude about things.  You are realizing that you have to let go.  One of the most difficult aspects of these breakups is the acceptance that we are not in control of the outcome.  We can't make our partners confront their disorder, and we can't single-handedly rescue the relationship.  That's really tough when we love our partner.  Almost all of us here wanted things to work out with our partners, but we are just not in control of making that happen.  Acceptance of that is hard, but necessary.  It will take time.  It did for me.

The other very difficult aspect is that there is no closure, just as you are experiencing.  We have to provide our own closure.  If writing your texts and emails helped you with that, then that's great.  You're moving forward.  Just try not to depend out any response of hers to seeking your closure.  It has to come from within us.  And that takes time too.

Hang in there, Jack.  From the vantage point of over a year out, I can tell you that it gets easier.  The pain will dull and the longing decrease with time.  You will find yourself looking forward more and back less.  Keep going, man.  It gets better.  You're on the way already.  

Wise words cosmonaut, and I second the fact for which time fixes everything (now I'm close to 90 days of NC).

[Lostafterbpd]

Jack

You situation has some close parells to my own.  We broke up and have had no NC since the very begining of January, so also 120+ days... .the NC has been mutual.  My birthday is next week, and I have strong mixed feelings about possibly hearing from her.

Unlike yours, my break up was very ugly... .she is/was a very brutal cruel and violent person.  I know full well that I can't have any communication with her period.  All of my friends and family are ready to jump on me and have an intervention if I do.  But still... .a small part of me wants her back.  I doubt I will hear from her on my bday next week (which is probably for the best for me) but I also know that it will hurt when I don't.  I know it's not a great attitude... .but I just want my birthday to come and go quickly.  I am hopeful that this will be the last event that I view this way.  

I too find this concious cognitive dissonance difficult, hoping that you will hear and knowing its better if you don't. Will you respond if she makes contact even though you know that you can't have any contact with her period? As you say probably best if you don't hear from her then there is no conflicting decision for you to make. Have a great b'day all the same!