How do I tell my mother that she's probably suffering from BPD?

[thedane]

Hi,

I am a new member of this forum, glad to see it exists.

does anyone have some good advise to give me ? how did you confront you family member with your suspicion ? my mother (64 yo) is clearly suffering and makes all of the family suffer. when I try to speak to her about it she acuses me of being a bad daughter and havin a "plan" to hurt her... .our relationship has always been difficult, now I have a little daughter and I do not want her to listen to my moms outbursts and fight with my dad + me + my brother. I do not see a ssolution right now - other that cutting the contact... .which is a drastic step... .

any good advise is welcome.

thanks to you all

[JayApril]

Honestly, it is hard to tell a person about themselves. It is even harder to tel a BPD person about their behaviors. They have the ability to stay in denial about thier behavior, so trying to suggest help or an unprofessional diagnosis is like a waist of breath. I have often foumd that no contact is best. For some reason no contact makes them act "normally" (although it is short lived) or nicer.

I have also taken a straight forward approach, and have gotten the response "yeah I know I need help. I am seeing a coucilor" only in a month to hear " I am fine, I dont need anyone to manage me."

It is all about how they accept their own behavior. Good luck.

Good luck.

[Pilpel]

From my own experience, and from reading about other peoples' experiences on here, I haven't heard a single story about a person who is BPD being receptive to being told they have a personality disorder.  I tried to mention it to my uBPD SIL a few years ago.  Since then she's brought up things as reason for why she is like she is, which I think is her way of trying to show me that she's not BPD without actually bringing up the topic again.   

When confronting a person with BPD, it's tempting to want to deal with their tangled reasoning and try to persuade them to reason in a normal way.  But after going around in circles with my SIL, I finally realize all I can do is acknowledge that she feels the way she does and define my boundaries.

[Spruce927]

I wish I could offer you any type of optimism here, but honestly the fact is that those who have BPD are most likely to be non responsive to being called BPD.  

My mom becomes completely unglued at the mere thought that she might have something wrong mentally.  If you bring it up you're really just asking for a rant on why she's this way which really means who MADE her this way and that will always go back to the drama at that moment (and there's always something) and the divorce with my father.  She'll likely bring up my sister keeping her son away from her and other victimizations of why she acts the way she does.  It's in the borderline's nature to live well in denial.  How else would they react the way they do and continue to go on that way.  

If you're hoping that by telling your mom about BPD something might "click" in the same sense that it clicked (i'm assuming) for you, guess again.  You probably got some sort of solace in finally putting a name to the behavior.  She will only give you a brick wall in response.  

That being said, work on YOU.  It's so great you took the steps to get educated and share your story.  Remember, there are people here that are all ears and know exactly what you're going through. 

Much love

[Ready4Peace]

Welcome! I agree telling them will not make them see the light- instead it will lead to an unleashing of anger towards you. I have found anything I say to address my BPD mothers behavior is either immediately or eventually turned back on me. So if I tell her she has BPD she will immediately or eventually say I have it... .and proceed to tell everyone she knows all about how I have BPD. It's the same thing if I say she is disrespectful, abusive, or any other word to describe her behavior. It's always "I'm not BPD, you are or I'm not disrespectful you are." It just goes round and round- they are not capable of accepting responsibility for anything and will make up the most bizarre scenarios to escape accountability. Good luck and take care of you!

[Leaving]

Hi Danes & Welcome,

It's best to never tell anyone they are mentally ill- especially someone in your family.  For one thing, as others have pointed out, they won't be receptive.  But, in your case, it will only create more problems for you.  Your hoping for 'good' behavior and trust me, telling someone they are mentally ill won't result in good behavior.  You're also not a health professional so, it's a waste of time to tell them because you are not in a position to help them and it only creates more shame and resentments and drama.  I think it's good to talk to other family members about this as long as they understand that they shouldn't confront your mother but it sounds like some of them are not mature enough to trust.  Don't talk to family members who aren't willing to support you and accept that there is a problem.  Those in denial have issues of their own and won't be much support to you and could also turn on you.  Your goal is to create peace, not more drama.  Sorry you have to deal with this.  It's tough!

I had to learn this the hard way with my BPD husband and it's really tough to be in this type of relationship, alone and not feel the need to seek validation from others but be wise about who gives it to you. You don't need validation as much as you need healthy wise support.   After therapy last year, I learned that it was absolutely necessary for me to set boundaries for ME and to enforce them BUT never blame my husband  or tell him he's ill.  Most, if not all, of his illness is rooted in childhood shame so, it does no good to shame him anymore. I'm leaving him and divorcing him and I don't tell him it's because of him.  I tell him it's because of me.   I'm sure deep down under his shell he knows the reasons I'm leaving.  After all, I've been fighting with him for almost 20 years about the same stuff.

You are very justified in not wanting to your children around that kind of drama. Bless you and your daughter. If No Contact is necessary, then so be it and please don't feel guilty for doing so.   As a child of a mother with NPD and BPD, I can tell you that the violence and drama is very harmful. That's why I ended up with BPD/NPD husband. You do what you believe is right for you and your own family.  Set  boundaries and decide how you're going to handle things from now on.  You need a plan and a plan B for every family occasion.

I don't have kids but if I did, I know that I would not allow my children around my mother. My brother has two daughters and what he does is arrange for short visits with mom that include public places like eating out or playing some sport outside.   In other words, he keeps the itinerary full of activities so that no one can engage in any 'deep' conversation.  I don't even know that he's aware that he does this but I know he does because he gets so full of anxiety anytime that there is a family get together and he has to make a very specific itinerary. He grilled me one Christmas about what I had planned and made me promise I was going to follow through!  I almost got offended but I knew he was just worried about the girls.

You sound very strong and mostly confident and I believe you will do what is best for you and your daughter.  I know that no contact is drastic but sometimes it's necessary.  I've done it a few times for a few years each time.