He has BPD... but I am triggered

[gah]

I'm a non and I have serious trust, jealousy and abandonment issues.  That part of me sounds like textbook BPD but I do not have any other traits.  I am trying to work on this with a therapist.

During an episode, my BPD-bf triggers me. I panic and I'm sure I make it worse.

How do you all deal with your triggers when BPD partner is in an episode?

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Ceruleanblue]

I'm the Non in our relationship, and like you I have some abandonment issues. Not jealousy or trust issues though. Everyone has some issues to deal with, and good for you for working on it. My abandonment issues came about after my husband of 18 years just walked out one day, then over a few years of dating I broke off with some guys, and a couple broke off with me. This all left me with what I like to think of as reality based abandonment issues: I fear it because it's HAPPENED TO ME.   I've learned I'll survive though too.

All you can do is work through the fear, and don't let it cripple you.

In what way does your BPD partner trigger your abandonment or trust issues? Maybe we can offer more specific advice.

[waverider]

Are these issues specifically related to your BPDbf, or do they extend to all aspects of your life and interactions with others?

eg Disorder abandonment issues can be triggered by something simple like a regular Drs appointment being cancelled etc

[formflier]

 

You see your issues and triggers... .so you are way ahead of most.

Two pronged strategy.

1.Work with T to reduce trigger reaction... .cope better.

2. Use boundaries to protect yourself from being triggered.

Do you currently try to use boundaries in your r/s?

FF

[vortex of confusion]

Are these issues specifically related to your BPDbf, or do they extend to all aspects of your life and interactions with others?

That is a very important question to answer. I find that most of my triggers are specifically related to my spouse due to some things that have happened within our relationship. If the triggers occur in all areas of your life, then how you approach it might be very different.

[gah]

I have issues with jealousy in most parts of my life.  In this case it is exacerbated because my bf is BPD and he cheated on his GF when he met me.  (I didn't know) He was suicidal at the time and I had just got out of a year long depression. (clearly missed the red flags ) He is not usually a cheater but he does line someone up when a relationship is ending. Can't be alone.  He was married for 20 years and didn't cheat (I believe this to be true).

I also bought a house with a man who turned out to be a sex addict - 4 year relationship and I had no idea.

My abandonment issues stem from having a really mean best friend who was my friend when I had stuff, another girl's friend when she had stuff, and when she was besties with the other girl they would physically threaten me and she would tell my secrets to everyone.  After a 20 year "friendship" I finally caught on. 

I am super triggered right now because he's in an episode - it's an odd one, no rage, calm but angry and biting.  He worked all night last night, and then went back to where he lived before (2 hours away) and says he's having dinner with his best friend and her husband.  However, his bill was not high enough for three people, and more than one person.  I know he was only there for an hour.  I am a super sleuth, sadly.  I know logically it could mean lot's of things but I have crazy anxiety about it.  His ex wife lives near there and a couple of months ago he met her to clear the air and she still texts him. It was around that time his first episode happened - we also bought a house. 

He knew I had serious trust issues and was great leaving things open for me to see to be able to trust him since we met under nefarious circumstances.  Ever since he's been having episodes he has used that weakness against me, as they do, and think I'm trying to control him.  It is not control - it is fear.  I feel like I can't bring up my thoughts on this issue because he gets triggered and angry that I don't trust him.  To be honest, I am 50/50.

I think this is a very serious issue I have which i'm trying to deal with but my anxiety is through the roof.  I don't know how to address it with him.  If I even can?

[formflier]

I think this is a very serious issue I have which i'm trying to deal with but my anxiety is through the roof.  I don't know how to address it with him.  If I even can?

So... .really good idea to address this with yourself first... .get some solid ground on "your side" before trying to address it with him.

What do you think that could look like?

FF

[waverider]

A lot of controlling behavior is not about actually trying to control someone directly, hence the controller does not believe that is the case. It is driven by a fear of loosing control driven by anxiety. Hence the controller thinks it is defensive behavior rather than aggressive.

However, the results are the same whatever the motivation, it leads to trampling over other peoples boundaries for your own needs to be met.

Most people react badly to controlling behavior, and will rebel, even if clandestinely to keep something to themselves. This escalates the the level of mistrust and fear. Add BPD into that mix, and their excessive fear of being controlled, and it becomes explosive and confused.

Of course for the person with the trust issues BPD simply provides a valid reason for their latent mistrust issues.

You are quite correct that dealing with this within yourself is of utmost importance, as that is something you can do. Dealing with a BPD relationship does mean letting go at times and letting the cards fall where they may. We are powerless to affect change in others, the best we can do is create an environment that increases their desire to change themselves

[vortex of confusion]

I also bought a house with a man who turned out to be a sex addict - 4 year relationship and I had no idea.

What kind of help/support did you get for this? Or did you end the relationship and move on without ever really dealing with it?

My husband of 17 years is a sex addict. I am in the process of getting help for that. A book that I am reading that is very helpful is "Your Sexually Addicted Spouse". It is helping a lot of stuff make sense.

[DreamerGirl]

gah I understand, I am the non like you, but I also have the same insecurity as you, I have very limited trust. 

I have been with my BPDbf for just over 3 years and there have been some very hard times and I still struggle with jealousy and trust issues.

I often try and think what it is, outside of our relationship, that is triggering me.  ie:  past relationships with liars who have been caught out, etc.  Childhood without any security so I grew up to never believe anyone... .Then I try to figure out is it my gut/instinct or is this coming from my past issues?  Now, that's the hard one, but with gut instinct, you just know, its a feeling that no matter how hard to try and justify in you mind, it won't go away.

My best advice for myself has been to not show any reaction to my feelings of jealousy or lack of trust.  Just to observe and try and figure out what is going on.  Put the fake smile on, listen to his words, but watch his actions because they usually tell the truth.

Do not give him the power to use your insecurity against you as an excuse for his behavior. 

[gah]

Well it would appear I had a gut feeling after all.  I found he was reaching out to someone on FB, he paid a phone bill for his ex, he met his exwife for dinner and got home at 3am - telling me he was visiting his bestie- all to get back at me for perceived slights, met his ex for coffee... .

He lied to me, looked me right in the face and said he wanted to be alone, not date anyone... .I had already found that stuff.   So I questioned calmly and it was the worst rage ever.  He broke all of his birthday gifts throwing them on the floor, went to our front yard and stomped the plants I just planted, threw them at me, threw my phone 20 feet against a wall, ran up over the curb three times ti intimidate me.

I called my friends, packed up and left.  I am 45 years old, now homeless, I make six figures... .how does this happen?

Worst part... .I still want him.  He says he never slept with them or was only flirting with FB girl.  I'm a mess.

[waverider]

Sorry to hear this

Time to take some space to yourself and don't act on, or react to, anything. You need time to think and get your perspectives back.

Do you have somewhere to stay?

[formflier]

 

Hugs for you!     

Please keep coming back here and posting... .we can help you regain your perspective... .put some order to the confusing thoughts.

We are here for you.

FF

[gah]

You guys are great!

So it's been a couple of weeks.  We had coffee the other day and it was calm.  He said he'll never let anyone in again. I said I was not looking to live with anyone and that I missed him.  I think that alleviated the pressure I think he was feeling.  I told him I accept him for who he is - warts and all.  He feels a lot of guilt and shame.  I really do miss him. He said he didn't think he could live with anyone.  I said I was getting my own place but I'd be interested in dating.  He said no, but proceeds to text me all the time, he said I can sleep in the house (still homeless - move in to a place June 1), do my laundry, while he's at work.  I am here now.  I asked to bike ride this weekend he says no... .  The place I rented is across the street from him (honestly that was not planned) so I sent him the listing and asked how he felt about it and he said fine... .

What is going on?

[formflier]

 

He is saying one thing... .and doing another... .

He is most likely trying to protect himself... .yet move closer... .

FF

[gah]

@Formflier what do you mean?

[DreamerGirl]

gah, I can't speak for FF, but I think what he is saying is that his actions are not matching his words... .

He says no to dating, yet continues to text you all the time.  You have found a place to live, very close by him, he seems content about that.

He may say it is over but his actions are saying he wants you in his life.

[gah]

Thanks for the clarification.  I hoped that's what was meant.

I've been staying in the house for a few nights while he's at work (he asked).  Nice to be home, but I'm anxious.  We had a nice hug yesterday.  I'm trying to let him go at his own pace, and not ask any explosive questions (I was a reporter - so it's hard!), he says that he trusted me the most out of anyone but doesn't think he can again.  He thinks I'm messy so I'm trying to show him I am working on it. It seems like maybe he's trying to see if he can trust me.  When I ask to do stuff together he says no.  So I'm going to stop asking.  I said I'd like to be friends for awhile so we can build trust.  He seems to like that idea.

However, my jealous monster wants to ask if he's dating or planning on it.  I am fearful that we will get close and he'll have found someone else.  His exwife is hovering - they seperated twice and are divorced (two years ago).  They text all the time after not speaking for two years.  My last straw before leaving was he lied about having dinner with her "to ask her for an extension on the money he still owed after the divorce" - he got home at 330 am and their dinner ended at 8pm.  They lived two seperate lives when they were married, she didn't work and he supported her financially.  I realize they had 20 years but I don't like it.  They could just be friends but with my jealousy issues, it's hard to know what is gut and what is my crazy.  I still have good friendships with exes.  He is working hard on the house, working overtime shifts, and going to the gym.  He deleted the history on his computer yesterday - either bc he hates that I snoop or... . 

He sent me a cute pic of him yesterday ... .

I'm thinking if I can just shut up for awhile until more time has passed and his dysregulation seems to be more lucid, give him space, no pressure maybe we can get back on track?

Am I nuts?

[SweetCharlotte]

His exwife is hovering - they seperated twice and are divorced (two years ago).  They text all the time after not speaking for two years.  My last straw before leaving was he lied about having dinner with her "to ask her for an extension on the money he still owed after the divorce" - he got home at 330 am and their dinner ended at 8pm.  They lived two seperate lives when they were married, she didn't work and he supported her financially.  I realize they had 20 years but I don't like it.  They could just be friends but with my jealousy issues, it's hard to know what is gut and what is my crazy.  I still have good friendships with exes.  He is working hard on the house, working overtime shifts, and going to the gym.  He deleted the history on his computer yesterday - either bc he hates that I snoop or... . 

Am I nuts?

From what you describe, your suspicions are well founded. This is all classic cheating behavior. Nobody needs to come home at three in the morning from a platonic "dinner." Going to the gym and erasing the computer history by themselves are not proof, but they add to the picture.

As the saying goes, "Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean people AREN'T out to get you." You may in fact attract the type of partner who is bound to confirm your worst fears. Since you two are no longer officially "together," you should take care to keep it that way; it's the only way to protect yourself. You're in a dependent situation by living in his residence while you wait for a place of your own. This can lead to Stockholm Syndrome, which makes you willing to interpret anything he does toward you as benevolence. But it sounds like he is manipulating you and exploring new options at the same time. Long-term you should continue to work on your trust and abandonment issues. Eventually you will no longer find yourself involved with people who not only trigger you but hurt you.

[nomoremommyfood]

As the saying goes, "Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean people AREN'T out to get you." 

Nirvana, "Territorial Pissings", right? Sorry, I can't resist a Nirvana reference!

Anyway, the issue with triggers really spoke to me - I'd posted something nearly identical a few weeks back, and jealousy is the number one thing that sets me off. I was hoping to maybe give some advice on handling triggers but, unfortunately, it sounds like your suspicions aren't unfounded, so I'm not sure if this is relevant anymore.

I have ridiculous panic attacks around the subject of jealousy and a pretty intense anxiety disorder on top of it. Though I may be a little late to the game, when my free-floating anxiety is better controlled, I'm less likely to hit the roof. As others mentioned, working with a therapist helps. And, I know it's controversial, but medications help, too. A lot.

I'm not sure if your pwBPD is the type that will intentionally trigger you but I've found the slightest reassurance from the person to make a huge difference. Of course, it only works when their calm and willing to calm you down, but hearing him say, "You have nothing to worry about. Everything is fine" makes a big difference. If it's an instance where he's not calm or willing, a friend's reassurance can help, too. With anxiety and triggering topics, you tend to get stuck in your head and having someone talk you down just be bringing you back to reality can make a big difference. Even if you have reasons to be suspicious, having someone put things in perspective and describe the worst case thing that can happen and the most likely thing that will happen can help.

BTW, I'm a little "jealous" of your career in journalism! I've been wanting to enter the field for years and it's quite difficult, so give yourself props for that!

[gah]

Damned if you do... .damned if you don't?

I want to ask but if I do it will blow-up and he's looked me in the face before and lied . That's why I leftt. The rages I can handle. The uncertainty and the lies I can't. 

I'm wondering if he's just lonely and messed-up. He has no real friends and no family in the country. So he's now talking to the one "family" he has.

My friends are all saying I have no real evidence to say either way - they said to just take it slow and see what happens. They know me aand my jealousy well and there have more times I've been wrong than right.

He told me he may stay in the city he works in today, but he came back - that would have been a good opportunity to see the ex. And it's about the same distance from his work home and to her place.

Today, he came home and went straight to bed - seemed annoyed I was there. I asked if I could stay to get some work done earlier. He said not ideal but ok, you get your new place tomorrow. Then I remembered it's a trigger for him if I'm on my computer for any length of time. So I texted him, told him I was going out and asked if my dog could sleep with him (she's old). He said sure.

I think I've pieced together what happened before I left. I think he stomped on everry one of my boundaries to make me leave.  It's interesting tthat as soon as we got the house the first episode appeared. The house is a century home runined by a family of addicts and didn't even have one glass window pain in it - overwhelmed... .  (my T says - irony... .you bought a house to fix-up that was ruined by addiction. This is the first man in a decade that isn't an addict). He kept bringing up the times I dumped him previously (due to his lies about the past).  So I think he pushed me away and by me moving close, by me saying I accept him and want to be firends, I have not abandoned him? 

Yesterday a male friend was supposed to help me deal with my storage. My ex messages me at 5pm and says I didn't lock the fridge you need to check it. (My dog ate choc the day before). Then 20 min later my ex texts - how long is that guy there?  I said he's not here today.  He was jealous! Usually he hides that stuff.

Also... .he asked me to download some breakdancing movies!  I asked if he was going to practice for our dance-off. He said the meanest ex took all of his movies and he just wanted to replace them. He's also back in to fine wine again. Anyone know what is going on? When we moved in together he had 2 boxes of "sentimental stuff" and that's about all!  My jealous brain is... .must be someone new... .but I think it could be deeper than that?

[SweetCharlotte]

As the saying goes, "Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean people AREN'T out to get you."  

Nirvana, "Territorial Pissings", right? Sorry, I can't resist a Nirvana reference!

Yes, but Kurt Cobain got it from Joseph Heller's novel CATCH-22. Their wording is slightly different from mine.

[waverider]

To do this you need to decide what the boundaries are for you, and stick to them regardless of what he wants.

There is a real danger of being reactive to his needs, and this will lead to being taken for granted. His own indecision will confuse him, and he will project the blame for being "flaky" on to you

Stop trying to figure out what he wants and find out what you want and get on with your life. Decide which doors are left open and which are not. Otherwise he will walk from one door to the next constantly opening them, peeking inside then shutting them again. All you will experience is the sound of opening and shutting doors with no decisive result.

You could end up blaming yourself, and feeling not worthy.

Remember this is his Disorder don't make it yours.

[gah]

Waverider, you made some good points.  If I read correctly, you're very eloquently saying to grow a spine?  If this is the case... .I can say this... .I left because he walked all over me, walked over my boundaries.  I do not regret leaving.  I had to leave.  Devalued was awful. 

Now, I think I'm not devalued because I am back to "me".  When he met me I had my own life, my own place and a good career.  I was unemployed for 6 months before and during the house and since I've always been independent, could not not take money from him for "entertainment".  I sat home a lot.  When he met me I was out all the time (having coffee with friends, dinner, an athletic activity).  All that changed when I became unemployed for the first time.  I went from making six figures to almost nothing.  It was hard.  I luckily got back in to my career a week before I left.  So I'm back on my feet - move into my new place tomorrow, can do what I want... .I think he finds that part attractive.  I think that the pressure is off.  I have to admit that I feel better, that I am looking forward to living on my own again (I have attachment issues myself).

That said, I'm open to any advice of how to proceed without getting my boundaries stomped on.  I do love him, I do think he's a good person with an illness.  I just don't know what the right thing is to do.  Normally, I'd go NC and let someone chase me, but I don't think that's right in this case.  I don't want to seem needy (I feel needy). How do I address my feelings of insecurity, my issues with his ex when he says we're not together and he thinks I controlled him.  It feels like it's going somewhere now... .what to do?

[SweetCharlotte]

I luckily got back in to my career a week before I left.  So I'm back on my feet - move into my new place tomorrow, can do what I want... .I think he finds that part attractive.

That said, I'm open to any advice of how to proceed without getting my boundaries stomped on.  I do love him, I do think he's a good person with an illness.  I just don't know what the right thing is to do.  Normally, I'd go NC and let someone chase me, but I don't think that's right in this case.  I don't want to seem needy (I feel needy). How do I address my feelings of insecurity, my issues with his ex when he says we're not together and he thinks I controlled him.  It feels like it's going somewhere now... .what to do?

He has been pretty clear in stating that you two aren't together anymore. He is free to play the field, which can include rebounding with his ex. None of this is a concern of yours. The most you could obtain at this point is a sort of friends-with-benefits arrangement, and that would make your recovery longer and more painful. It's good that you are actively involved in your career again and feeling more independent. Do it for yourself, not because he will find it attractive. Healthier men will also find it attractive.

I'm glad that you are moving out of his place tomorrow. That will make your recovery from this sticky situation much easier. NC is not a bad idea but if you cannot keep to it, at least try not to see him in person. This will be easier once you are not part of his habitat.

[waverider]

Waverider, you made some good points.  If I read correctly, you're very eloquently saying to grow a spine? 

The important thing is that once you have done this is to be consistent and dont let it be taken away from you. Your values and boundaries need to remain the same whether times are good or bad, with him or with anyone, as they are your boundaries and are about you and not dependent on how anyone else reacts to them.

Having a third party, either real or perceived, drifting into it can cause us to modify our boundaries at times in order to adapt, or compete. Introducing someone else is also a common tool used to get someone to compromise on their boundaries.

[formflier]

gah, I can't speak for FF, but I think what he is saying is that his actions are not matching his words... .

Yep... .exactly.  Many pwBPD traits are not comfortable having words and actions matching.  Hint... .watch what they do... .not what they say... .actions are more important.

FF

[formflier]

Waverider, you made some good points.  If I read correctly, you're very eloquently saying to grow a spine?  

You already have a spine... .you use it from time to time.  Consistency is key.

Consistency is key.

I am grateful that some other senior members "got to me" early on and I learned this lesson... .it paid great dividends.

This may mean that you delay enforcing a boundary until you are sure you can do it consistently.

Better to get it right... .than to hurry.  Especially if you are considering being a long term stayer... .this is a marathon... .not a sprint.

FF