What is it about these mood swings with these BPD people?

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

So, as per a previous post of mine where I got hit with the sledgehammer about the BPDexgf getting marries after meeting a guy 5 or so weeks earlier, I went NC and blocked out all avenues for interaction or potential contact.

I had de-friended and blocked her on Facebook some weeks ago. The latest blow up over the her impending marriage to the new man caused me to block all other means to contact me.

Idiot me... .forgot to block my work mobile so I woke up to endless SMS from her begging me not to block her out. The messages were telling me how much she loved me, how she wasn't getting married, how she was so sorry for saying those things, that she doesn't love the new guy, that she is so confused that she doesn't know how she feels or what she should do.

So, idiot me responded to one of her begging text messages and interacted with her. I was astounded how quickly the mood in the texts changed from being constructive to downright destructive and back to blame for everything that I have ever said and done in the 4 years we were together.

This went on for hours. Yep, I know... .I should have just blocked it but I didn't. I engaged with her over the course of the text message tirade. It did get to the point where I put my foot down and responded quite bluntly that I will no longer be her whipping boy, I will no longer respond to her abuse and that one more b___y and negative text will see me block her on every device and app permanently.

She then backed off. The next SMS was saying that she did not want to fight any more. She then went back to begging me to unblock her on my personal mobile. So, I did that to see what would happen.

She sent a final SMS to my work phone saying that she had sent a separate text to me private mobile. So I checked it. After all the aggression and abuse during the day the latest SMS read this... ."sometimes part of me just wants to run back to you to be safe in your arms again but I wonder if it will go back to how it was"... .

Later that night she wanted to call me. She rang me and spent 2 hours on the phone with her crying mostly. I ride a motor bike and took off last weekend to get away from home and memories of her. Well that brought on more tears and she was carrying on about what if something had happened to me while I was out on the bike. She then said... ."don't you understand how that would make me feel if something happened to you?" I said that I am sure there would be a few people upset, other than you, if I got cleaned up on the bike.

So the conversation was relatively amicable but all over the place to an extent. It was really rambling.

So that was Tuesday night. Since then there have been the usual "how are you" SMS from her to which I basically bunt back with a "yeah good" answer. But these latest exchanges are very dry and devoid of any emotion... .neither positive or negative.

So last night she sent another SMS to me saying she needed to ask me a question. What is it, I responded?

She then asked if I was still closed to the idea of buying a house with her? I was middle of the road in terms of a response but I did get out of her that she will still only work part time, she will not be cutting back on any of her Chanel handbag purchases or overseas holidays or her online shopping addiction and that because I earned a good salary then I would be able to cover the mortgage.

NARCISSISM  on display at its ugliest!

So I asked if she was window shopping to see if it was me or the new guy that she was testing to see who offered the better deal?

That did not go down so well... .but seriously who gives a ch1t!

In the background to all of this is me having a series of medical tests to isolate some problems that were detected as a result of me going to the doctor to get help with the stress she was putting me under as part of this break up.

She has been relentless in her pursuit of me to allow her to come to these tests with me. She thinks that she is the only person who can provide support. What in the hell does she think that for?

So I have politely declined all requests and dealt with the medical stuff myself. I told her I did not want to be an inconvenience on her whilst she is building her new relationship with the replacement.

So, she is on an absolute rollercoaster of emotion and is seriously all over the place. Since I have responded to her request to unblock her I have just played the binary game of yes/no answers and not giving her one piece of information or one sense of any emotion coming back from me towards her.

I have turned my mind to treat her as a stranger in the street... .be polite and keep walking.

Sure it has its moments and I get stung by comments she is making but I do not take the bait.

I have no idea what her game is... .wanting to be in contact, saying she can't live without me in her life, loves me, asking me about buying a house together, wanting to be involved with me in medical issues... .but still hanging out with the new man.

I do not have any idea here about this type of behaviour. I can only imagine that if she is this unstable with me, it must surely have an effect on what the new dude gets to see as well as I do not believe she has the ability to compartmentalise her emotions to this extent.

I haven't seen her for 5 weeks and I have no intention to even though she has asked to have coffee with me.

Team, what in the hell is going on here? Am I playing this the right way especially as the NC was stopped?

Cheers

N i L

[Nextinline]

So, as per a previous post of mine where I got hit with the sledgehammer about the BPDexgf getting marries after meeting a guy 5 or so weeks earlier, I went NC and blocked out all avenues for interaction or potential contact.

I had de-friended and blocked her on Facebook some weeks ago. The latest blow up over the her impending marriage to the new man caused me to block all other means to contact me.

Idiot me... .forgot to block my work mobile so I woke up to endless SMS from her begging me not to block her out. The messages were telling me how much she loved me, how she wasn't getting married, how she was so sorry for saying those things, that she doesn't love the new guy, that she is so confused that she doesn't know how she feels or what she should do.

So, idiot me responded to one of her begging text messages and interacted with her. I was astounded how quickly the mood in the texts changed from being constructive to downright destructive and back to blame for everything that I have ever said and done in the 4 years we were together.

This went on for hours. Yep, I know... .I should have just blocked it but I didn't. I engaged with her over the course of the text message tirade. It did get to the point where I put my foot down and responded quite bluntly that I will no longer be her whipping boy, I will no longer respond to her abuse and that one more b___y and negative text will see me block her on every device and app permanently.

She then backed off. The next SMS was saying that she did not want to fight any more. She then went back to begging me to unblock her on my personal mobile. So, I did that to see what would happen.

She sent a final SMS to my work phone saying that she had sent a separate text to me private mobile. So I checked it. After all the aggression and abuse during the day the latest SMS read this... ."sometimes part of me just wants to run back to you to be safe in your arms again but I wonder if it will go back to how it was"... .

Later that night she wanted to call me. She rang me and spent 2 hours on the phone with her crying mostly. I ride a motor bike and took off last weekend to get away from home and memories of her. Well that brought on more tears and she was carrying on about what if something had happened to me while I was out on the bike. She then said... ."don't you understand how that would make me feel if something happened to you?" I said that I am sure there would be a few people upset, other than you, if I got cleaned up on the bike.

So the conversation was relatively amicable but all over the place to an extent. It was really rambling.

So that was Tuesday night. Since then there have been the usual "how are you" SMS from her to which I basically bunt back with a "yeah good" answer. But these latest exchanges are very dry and devoid of any emotion... .neither positive or negative.

So last night she sent another SMS to me saying she needed to ask me a question. What is it, I responded?

She then asked if I was still closed to the idea of buying a house with her? I was middle of the road in terms of a response but I did get out of her that she will still only work part time, she will not be cutting back on any of her Chanel handbag purchases or overseas holidays or her online shopping addiction and that because I earned a good salary then I would be able to cover the mortgage.

NARCISSISM  on display at its ugliest!

So I asked if she was window shopping to see if it was me or the new guy that she was testing to see who offered the better deal?

That did not go down so well... .but seriously who gives a ch1t!

In the background to all of this is me having a series of medical tests to isolate some problems that were detected as a result of me going to the doctor to get help with the stress she was putting me under as part of this break up.

She has been relentless in her pursuit of me to allow her to come to these tests with me. She thinks that she is the only person who can provide support. What in the hell does she think that for?

So I have politely declined all requests and dealt with the medical stuff myself. I told her I did not want to be an inconvenience on her whilst she is building her new relationship with the replacement.

So, she is on an absolute rollercoaster of emotion and is seriously all over the place. Since I have responded to her request to unblock her I have just played the binary game of yes/no answers and not giving her one piece of information or one sense of any emotion coming back from me towards her.

I have turned my mind to treat her as a stranger in the street... .be polite and keep walking.

Sure it has its moments and I get stung by comments she is making but I do not take the bait.

I have no idea what her game is... .wanting to be in contact, saying she can't live without me in her life, loves me, asking me about buying a house together, wanting to be involved with me in medical issues... .but still hanging out with the new man.

I do not have any idea here about this type of behaviour. I can only imagine that if she is this unstable with me, it must surely have an effect on what the new dude gets to see as well as I do not believe she has the ability to compartmentalise her emotions to this extent.

I haven't seen her for 5 weeks and I have no intention to even though she has asked to have coffee with me.

Team, what in the hell is going on here? Am I playing this the right way especially as the NC was stopped?

Cheers

N i L

[mitatsu]

Its a pre loaded file in their corrupt boot file... .ive just made the mistake of allowing ExW to engauge me and in 7 days the destruction she caused aftet starting so nice was mind blowing... .take it as a lesson as to why we stay NC be strong and keep moving forward friend 

[LonelyChild]

Consider a toddler.

When mom is around, the toddler wants to explore the world. Mom is not interesting. She is there. The toddler knows it. So he sets out to explore the surroundings, play, act independent, act like he doesn't need mom . If mom comes after him, the toddler might become upset. "Stop, I can manage this on my own! Go away mom!"

The toddler plays and explores for a bit, then turns his head around. Mom is no longer there. She's gone. The toddler becomes upset, full of anxiety, starts crying. Goes into "look-for-mom"-mode. The only thing that matters now is finding mom again. He will keep searching for mom until she is found. Nothing else matters right now. Where's mom?

So mom shows up again. "Ahh, there's mom!" says the toddler to himself in relief. Mom is no longer interesting. The toddler feels safe in knowing that she is there. It is now time to set out and explore the world.

Repeat... .(This becomes even more apparent in a romantic love r/s because a romantic partner loses interest when the toddler/pwBPD shows no interest, so the romantic partner starts drifting away... .this is when the pwBPD becomes upset and starts the pull again (you are everything to them)... .until you are close... .then it's push (you are nothing to them))

[Nextinline]

Consider a toddler.

When mom is around, the toddler wants to explore the world. Mom is not interesting. She is there. The toddler knows it. So he sets out to explore the surroundings, play, act independent, act like he doesn't need mom . If mom comes after him, the toddler might become upset. "Stop, I can manage this on my own! Go away mom!"

The toddler plays and explores for a bit, then turns his head around. Mom is no longer there. She's gone. The toddler becomes upset, full of anxiety, starts crying. Goes into "look-for-mom"-mode. The only thing that matters now is finding mom again. He will keep searching for mom until she is found. Nothing else matters right now. Where's mom?

So mom shows up again. "Ahh, there's mom!" says the toddler to himself in relief. Mom is no longer interesting. The toddler feels safe in knowing that she is there. It is now time to set out and explore the world.

Repeat... .(This becomes even more apparent in a romantic love r/s because a romantic partner loses interest when the toddler/pwBPD shows no interest, so the romantic partner starts drifting away... .this is when the pwBPD becomes upset and starts the pull again (you are everything to them)... .until you are close... .then it's push (you are nothing to them))

LonelyChild

You are a genius. I have never seen it like that before. That is the best analogy I could have ever been given to explain the behavior.

Me, being the nasty, get even kind of guy I am, seems to think that I should use that to dangle the bait in front of her and then pull it away just as she gets close to it. So she can see it, smell it, taste it but can never get it.

I know that sounds cruel but I have been to hell and back for this woman and given her the world just to have her trash it and degrade my contributions.  

This is a psychological game to try and be one step ahead of their behaviours. It seems to me that it is a wash, rinse, spin, repeat cycle with these BPD women.

Have I misunderstood this and I should just walk away or should I use some of the little bit of personal strength I have left to try and get my point across?

Put me in my place here team.

Thanks

[LonelyChild]

Me, being the nasty, get even kind of guy I am, seems to think that I should use that to dangle the bait in front of her and then pull it away just as she gets close to it. So she can see it, smell it, taste it but can never get it.

Sure, you could exploit the dynamic and do that. Where would that get you though? Her life would be as miserable either way. Your life will probably not go forward as long as you're doing that. This seems like some subconscious need for omnipotence or such. I don't blame you though - I'm thinking the exact same thoughts. Maybe I should stay around my uBPDxgf just to torture her. But that makes me as lousy as she is. At the same time, I can't detach. Because whenever I do, she turns into a sweet little angel, fully functioning normal girl. I fall for it, give her what she wants, and she turns into satan again, hitting me, attacking me verbally, making me out to be a monster. So again, I move away from her. And there's the little angel again.

I know that sounds cruel but I have been to hell and back for this woman and given her the world just to have her trash it and degrade my contributions.

Look, knowing what I know about my ex, and kinda projecting that onto your situation, I wouldn't judge you even if you decided to kill her. That's not how society deals with this though. In all fairness, considering the amount of pain and suffering they are in, and considering the amount of pain and suffering they inflict on EVERYONE AROUND THEM, they should probably all just kill themselves. But they won't. They always find a rescuer.

Maybe we will come to a point when we can point and laugh at the next rescuer. Completely detached, thinking "wow, look at that silly loser, he has NO IDEA what's coming." I'm not there yet though.

This is a psychological game to try and be one step ahead of their behaviours. It seems to me that it is a wash, rinse, spin, repeat cycle with these BPD women.

Yes. The cycle will never end. What kind of r/s is that, trying to outsmart the one who's supposed to be the person closest to your heart?

It's a very difficult dynamic. I hate and love my xgf at the same time.

Have I misunderstood this and I should just walk away or should I use some of the little bit of personal strength I have left to try and get my point across?

Put me in my place here team.

Thanks

If you CAN walk away, please do it for your own good. I have not detached enough to be able to. My life becomes void if I do not stay in contact with her. I go into a horrible depression, I get all sorts of anxiety, my immune system shuts down, I get physical aches, heart aches etc. I have no idea what to do. I think, to be completely honest, I kinda of wish she would just end her own life (after 30+ failed attemps now) so this comes to an end. Even her own family of origin cannot stand her anymore.

[Nextinline]

LC

I have just read your measured and powerful responses to my posts, most likely from the other side of the world.

You write with such passion, dignity and grace that I write back to you feeling very humble that you took the time to read and understand my pain and to share yours with me.

Thank you my friend.

I will take your advice. I will step back from this. I will not play with an already unhappy person. I will let go of my pain. I will work hard to find some peace and reason in all that I have been through.

And yes, it kills me every minute to know that I have lost the love of my life to some other man who, in his innocence, does not know what will happen to him while he is with her.

Thanks mate.