What finally got to you, what broke you?

[dagwoodbowser]

The first 9-10 months with my BPDx were wonderful. Other than a cheating incident when we were first getting to know each other, from then on it was pure bliss. After a full 12 months she simply told me she was bored. I was too"chill" and unknowingly I wasn't giving into her wanting to argue with me as I would simply deflect her conflicts and wasnt introducing enough drama. A break-up ensued, she found a replacement and that didnt work out. She reached back out to me 3 months later and we were back on. However, it just wasnt the same. The lying and cheating was blatant but because of my co-dependence I kept letting it slide.

Having realized that I needed to start engaging her in her conflicts it only led to her calling the cops anytime I destroyed her argument with sound logic. Into a year and a half I started to have issues with my blood pressure, bouts of anxiety I never had before followed by tumbling depressive episodes.  A few more B/U's and recycles and my health was deteriorating. Finally the last B/U. It was Valentines Day we had gone to dinner and I asked her for a suggestion thinking she would come up with something romantic. Instead, she wanted me to take her shopping for shoes? I was very disappointed in her response and let her know it was the most unromantic idea I had ever heard.

She demanded that I drop her off at home, she jumped out of the vehicle about 50 yrds before her house while car still moving, ran into the house and had called the cops. I had parked, went to go knock to try and talk and make sure she was ok and before I knew it 2 squad cars were there sorting out how she got the injuries from leaping out of vehicle. I basically lost it and had a TIA(transient ischemic attack) warning stroke.  My left hand, mainly my pinky and ring finger, are getting back to normal now as I can feel more sensation on fingers. I had not checked my phone and was going to text her from hospital to tell her I was alright. Then I saw her text saying she was ":)one" that night she broke up with me. 

For me the straw that broke the camels back was the impact she was having on my health and the relationship was literally killing me. Can anyone else pinpoint what "broke you?"

[Tay25]

That sounds very painful Dagwood, I hope you are recovering well and overcoming your codependency.

What finally broke me was the triangulation she pulled out on me. She would frequently start drama inducing arguments. She would think of anything she could to get some excitement, usually something that happened months ago. At the end she successful triangulated me with her best friend, I got pissed and stood up against her. After this she tried to damage me as much as possible then left, thank god.

[dagwoodbowser]

That sounds very painful Dagwood, I hope you are recovering well and overcoming your codependency.

Thank you Tay. It wasnt actually painful. More terrifying than anything else. I was so amp'd up that when the cops were asking for my I.D. I tried to open car door with my hand and it was as though I hand no hand at all. I'm working on my co-dependency for sure now.

What finally broke me was the triangulation she pulled out on me. She would frequently start drama inducing arguments.

This was common place. Be it her mother, her sister, X's or Orbitors, but for whatever reason it seemed to just slide off my back. There's no way I would allow this again, be it with her or anyone else as i was ignorant of what triangulation was.

[DyingLove]

The first 9-10 months with my BPDx were wonderful. Other than a cheating incident when we were first getting to know each other, from then on it was pure bliss. After a full 12 months she simply told me she was bored. I was too"chill" and unknowingly I wasn't giving into her wanting to argue with me as I would simply deflect her conflicts and wasnt introducing enough drama. A break-up ensued, she found a replacement and that didnt work out. She reached back out to me 3 months later and we were back on. However, it just wasnt the same. The lying and cheating was blatant but because of my co-dependence I kept letting it slide.

Having realized that I needed to start engaging her in her conflicts it only led to her calling the cops anytime I destroyed her argument with sound logic. Into a year and a half I started to have issues with my blood pressure, bouts of anxiety I never had before followed by tumbling depressive episodes.  A few more B/U's and recycles and my health was deteriorating. Finally the last B/U. It was Valentines Day we had gone to dinner and I asked her for a suggestion thinking she would come up with something romantic. Instead, she wanted me to take her shopping for shoes? I was very disappointed in her response and let her know it was the most unromantic idea I had ever heard.

She demanded that I drop her off at home, she jumped out of the vehicle about 50 yrds before her house while car still moving, ran into the house and had called the cops. I had parked, went to go knock to try and talk and make sure she was ok and before I knew it 2 squad cars were there sorting out how she got the injuries from leaping out of vehicle. I basically lost it and had a TIA(transient ischemic attack) warning stroke.  My left hand, mainly my pinky and ring finger, are getting back to normal now as I can feel more sensation on fingers. I had not checked my phone and was going to text her from hospital to tell her I was alright. Then I saw her text saying she was ":)one" that night she broke up with me. 

For me the straw that broke the camels back was the impact she was having on my health and the relationship was literally killing me. Can anyone else pinpoint what "broke you?"

A ways back, probably in 2012/2013 we had an argument. Don't really recall what it was because I didn't give too much thought or attention to her issues compared to around the end.  She said something and I said something and the ball went back and forth.  She is definitely codependent with her family members and her brother in particular.  I sure the argument involved her brother because my remark to her is what she has been hanging over my head forever.  The remark I made was something to the effect of her sleeping with her brother "oh well, what did you sleep with your brother?" (maybe something like that.  Believe me I was provoked into it.  So she called her brother, I said "I don't give a F*** go ahead and tell him" so she did.  So her brother, who has not liked me from day one, had this over my head too.  Well the argument on the day of breakup involved her brother (believe me he's instrumental in all this) and that's that.  Her mother used to say that our age difference was going to ruin us.  She obviously wanted us to fail, she ALWAYS ALWAY had a comment about our displays of affection.  And the ex was fearful of her mothers reactions to things.  Mother was a controller.  The ex was the first to say how her mother tramped around in her younger days.  Boy, lots and lots of stuff here.  The ex also said what a dick her brother could be, but I guess compared to actual family, I didn't rank very high.  So it stands that crap she was holding over my head became the straws that broke the camels back.

Funny, I cry over her and she did that to me. She never took my side, she was always siding with others before me.  I gave her every friggin' thing. BUT her brother gave her tickets to disney world to go two days before I left Florida.  I can't wait till REAL love enters my life.  I wanna smile and love and know what it feels like to not be duped.

[valet]

The triangulation was what broke my trust in her. She would start an argument, then turn away and message her 'bestie' on Facebook about something completely unrelated. Exhibited completely normal behavior to the orbiters. It absolutely wrecked my confidence in her, as well as my own self-confidence.

That, and also her inability to acknowledge or validate my anxieties, which I couldn't find any reason for other than her behavior, which I was too afraid to mention.

The whole time, I remained committed. I felt like it would destroy her if I left. The FOG.

I will make better choices in the future, thanks to her, but mostly thanks to myself and the community here.

[dagwoodbowser]

Funny, I cry over her and she did that to me. She never took my side, she was always siding with others before me.  I gave her every friggin' thing. BUT her brother gave her tickets to disney world to go two days before I left Florida.  I can't wait till REAL love enters my life.  I wanna smile and love and know what it feels like to not be duped.

I'm sorry to hear about that DyingLove. I felt the same way many times but like so many other things let it slide. I dint get to congratulate you on your 60 days! Awesome Brother... .

The triangulation was what broke my trust in her. She would start an argument, then turn away and message her 'bestie' on Facebook about something completely unrelated. Exhibited completely normal behavior to the orbiters. It absolutely wrecked my confidence in her, as well as my own self-confidence.

So far Triangulation seems to be a biggie. I def expereinced, but for whatever reason I was better at brushing that off. I guess cause the cheating was a bigger issue.

[valet]

So far Triangulation seems to be a biggie. I def expereinced, but for whatever reason I was better at brushing that off. I guess cause the cheating was a bigger issue.

Triangulation is a massive boundary to bust. Any healthy relationship that I have witnessed (even my own, when it was good), has failed to exhibit it.

As far as I am concerned: relationship = trust.

From my perspective at the time, cheating on me would have hurt less than the triangulation, because there was certainty in that. That was something that would have forced me into a decision. My ex didn't cheat on me. I did a lot of snooping, which I am not proud of, and am almost certain of it. I still have my doubts sometimes, but if she were to come out with it today it would not bother me. I have already forgiven her.

The triangulation, on the other hand, lead to this constant suspicious paranoia that she was indeed cheating on me. There was no certainty—no truth to the matter. She only triangulated with people that were very far away, distance wise. But it drove me crazy. Made me feel like I was on the brink of absolute insanity. The sad thing is, I blamed this on myself. I made excuses for her behavior.

My boundaries were not strong. I did not have a clear sense of what I expected in a relationship. When I started to explore these thoughts more, my healing accelerated exponentially. I even see her every couple of weeks, and have actually began to defend and enforce my expectations.

This, ironically, has made her seem more desperate to communicate and see me.

That's the way she goes, eh?

[dagwoodbowser]

Triangulation is a massive boundary to bust. Any healthy relationship that I have witnessed (even my own, when it was good), failed to exhibit it.

I think I was simply blind to the Triangulation issue. Ignorant of what it was and what she was doing, be it intentional or not. There are actually many behaviors and issues that I am now reading about that I now see and understand about that were going over my head. I'm so glad I found this place.

[Madison66]

Great thread!  What finally got to me was a combination of things.  The emotional abuse was just beating me down and finally in the last four weeks of the r/s (3+ years total), my uBPD/NPD got physical with me twice.  Once when she was going into a rage and I attempted leave the room, she pushed her way through my bathroom door hitting me in the head.  She said she was right to do it.  A few weeks later, same rage situation and I asked her to leave and I attempted to again leave the room.  She pushed her way through the door and pushed me against a wall.  I kicked her out of my house and out of my life at that point.  My bigger picture answer is that I was working on myself for the second half of the r/s and I finally built up the strength to walk away from the r/s and chaos/abuse.  In other words, I finally listened to my gut... .

[dagwoodbowser]

Great thread!  What finally got to me was a combination of things.  The emotional abuse was just beating me down and finally in the last four weeks of the r/s (3+ years total), my uBPD/NPD got physical with me twice.  Once when she was going into a rage and I attempted leave the room, she pushed her way through my bathroom door hitting me in the head.  She said she was right to do it.  A few weeks later, same rage situation and I asked her to leave and I attempted to again leave the room.  She pushed her way through the door and pushed me against a wall.  I kicked her out of my house and out of my life at that point.  My bigger picture answer is that I was working on myself for the second half of the r/s and I finally built up the strength to walk away from the r/s and chaos/abuse.  In other words, I finally listened to my gut... .

Wow! My X would go into rage mode but thankfully was never at me. She was Waif like and would do passive-aggressive stuff. The only time I ever saw her fly off handle was Christmas Eve. Christmas Eve triggers her. She doesnt remember what it is but she was throwing stuff, kicking, cussing and was headed for the tree to grab presents and I grabbed her and held her... .she broke down and sobbed for over 30 minutes. Was very impressionable on me.

[apollotech]

Like many here, I put up with a lot of crazy for far too long. Although my relationship with my BPDexgf only lasted 8 months, it sure felt like it was a lot longer.

About 6 months in I realized that she had me triangulated with an exbf. I expressed my concerns about said situation and asked her to resolve her issue(s) with him. Mind you, I had no idea what BPD was/is; likewise, I had no understanding of her attachment issues.

She assured me that she would handle the situation. Of course, she did not get rid of the ex. Her excuse was that she saw no problem with keeping the exbf around; I, naturally, was just trying to control her. Her behavior was completely okay according to her. At that point I started to collect myself and withdraw. Her behavior with the ex eroded my trust regarding her.

I was grocery shopping one night when she called me. She didn't say hello, ask how I was, no greeting whatsoever, nothing; instead, she flew into a rage over the phone about a very trivial matter (The rage was not about me nor directed at me.).

For some reason, clarity struck. I don't know where it came from, but it hit me like a train. I said two things to myself: I do not want to be with this woman. There will never be peace with this woman. That was it; I was done. I still was madly in love with her, still wanted her, still was deeply emotionally attached to her... .but at that moment I finally accepted that we'd never make it. I accepted that she couldn't provide the very basic fundamental things (honesty, empathy, companionship, selfless love, friendship, etc.) that I expected in a relationship. A few weeks later I terminated all contact with her (that was in early Feb.). I wish that I knew how to detach, but I simply am not there. I think about her daily and about what we lost.

[Beach_Babe]

Him telling the mutual friend he would never see or talk to me again after I purchased 6 plane tickets to see him this year. 6 trips he would not allow to happen.  

Finding out he coordinated his trip here last year to see his buddy not me.

Hearing how he told mutual friends I was crazy and took/sold illegal drugs. Also that he begged people not to see or hang out with me, that I only use people for money.

Exploding with rage on me in front of our friends. Calling me pig, wh**e, s**t, and wishing me dead.

Threatening the police if I did not leave him alone when I made it clear I was doing just that. All I asked was a kind peaceful closure.

[jhkbuzz]

Repeated infidelities.

[dagwoodbowser]

About 6 months in I realized that she had me triangulated with an exbf

Sorry to hear Apollo. Seems Triangulation once again is raw nerve. Guess you're near like close to 90 days B/U? N/C? Good thing you were able to walk. Too me several boots till I got it.

Him telling the mutual friend he would never see or talk to me again after I purchased 6 plane tickets to see him this year. 6 trips he would not allow to happen. 

Finding out he coordinated his trip here last year to see his buddy not me.

Hearing how he told mutual friends I was crazy and took/sold illegal drugs. Also that he begged people not to see or hang out with me, that I only use people for money.

Exploding with rage on me in front of our friends. Calling me pig, wh**e, s**t, and wishing me dead.

Threatening the police if I did not leave him alone when I made it clear I was doing just that. All I asked was a kind peaceful closure.

BB: Lot's of unfortunate events and acts here. Any specific one that stung most and gave you realization and clarity that it was more than you could bear?

[michel71]

For me it was last weekend, mother's day weekend, where I took my not so lovely BPDw and her daughter on a weekend away. Money is kinda tight for us so it was a big deal ( at least for me). Most of my vacations with "the family" have sucked so I should have known better. Anyway, she had one of those toddler moments where I said some off hand comment, totally innocuous, that she personalized as an affront to her. She DEMANDED an apology like the Queen that she views herself. This time, I refused. After the dinner, she vanished leaving her daughter and I to make our way back to the hotel. Something just snapped in me. I knew at that time that I could no longer and would no longer put up with the constant vilifying of me, the constant misinterpretations on her part in the effort to make me her emotional spitoon and to control me. On the drive home there were some sarcastic remarks on her part which only fueled my resolve that I have finally had enough. It's been 5 nights of sleeping apart, little conversation and a whole lot of peace for me. And I like that.

I can honestly say that she has been breaking me down little by little since the day we met and a whole hell of a lot in the last year.

[Olivia_D]

A quote from my initial post: ":)uring the first week of January was his birthday, I got him a birthday present that I actually had shipped from Italy.  When I gave it to him his first response was "oh great, now I have to get you something for your birthday."  I was heartbroken.  I said, well, I am giving you this gift for your birthday but it isn't with strings -- it is simply a kind gesture with no agenda.  During the "day" of his birthday, I took the day off of work, took lunch over to his apartment (with his favorite foods), and it was fairly light.  After lunch, he embraced my shoulders and literally steered me into his bedroom as if he was driving a car.  I should have said, what the heck is that approach but I didn't.  Immediately after having sex, he started with the nervous behavior and acting as-if I needed to leave as he was having dinner with his "mother."  He has a very, very close relationship with his mother.  At one point, he confessed that he had always been his mother's "surrogate spouse."  I got the ick when he said it but I have witnessed it.  Anyway, he was having birthday dinner with his mother so I needed to leave.  So, I left.  My birthday was 5 days later.  I didn't get so much as a text message about my birthday.  While I didn't need some big celebration, this complete disregard for my birthday was one of the biggest turning points for me as it hit me as completely insensitive.  2 days later he came to my office as-if nothing had happened.

By the time that I hit the beginning of January, I had already been through enough of the mind swirl and the events surrounding my birthday gave me that "my give a damn is now busted" feeling in my gut.  Why on earth I spun around in it for another 2-1/2 months is beyond me as it had become abundantly clear that unless it was about him, it didn't matter or even exist in his mind.  Totally self-absorbed.

[dagwoodbowser]

For me it was last weekend, mother's day weekend, where I took my not so lovely BPDw and her daughter on a weekend away. Money is kinda tight for us so it was a big deal ( at least for me). Most of my vacations with "the family" have sucked so I should have known better. Anyway, she had one of those toddler moments where I said some off hand comment, totally innocuous, that she personalized as an affront to her. She DEMANDED an apology like the Queen that she views herself. This time, I refused. After the dinner, she vanished leaving her daughter and I to make our way back to the hotel. Something just snapped in me. I knew at that time that I could no longer and would no longer put up with the constant vilifying of me, the constant misinterpretations on her part in the effort to make me her emotional spitoon and to control me. On the drive home there were some sarcastic remarks on her part which only fueled my resolve that I have finally had enough. It's been 5 nights of sleeping apart, little conversation and a whole lot of peace for me. And I like that.

I can honestly say that she has been breaking me down little by little since the day we met and a whole hell of a lot in the last year.

michel71: I'm sure you realize There is a fifth dimension beyond that which is known to man. It is a dimension as vast as space and as timeless as infinity. It is the middle ground between light and shadow, between science and superstition, and it lies between the pit of man's fears and the summit of his knowledge. This is the dimension of imagination. It is an area which we call the BPD Zone. We are all here to support you and your resolve.

By the time that I hit the beginning of January, I had already been through enough of the mind swirl and the events surrounding my birthday gave me that "my give a damn is now busted" feeling in my gut.  Why on earth I spun around in it for another 2-1/2 months is beyond me as it had become abundantly clear that unless it was about him, it didn't matter or even exist in his mind.  Totally self-absorbed.

Olivia: The whole Mom thing is creepy. My BPDx didnt even call me or text me on my BDay in early Jan and it stung cause I always made her day a Parade. Amazing the total lack of empathy. I understand how this was the beginning of the end for you.

[Olivia_D]

Dagwood,

"The whole Mom thing is creepy."Exactly, "Yes, Mother" and "No more wire hangers" comes to mind.  What, what, what, WHAT the heck was I doing . . .

[apollotech]

dagwood,

Yeah, it's been about 90 days now since I have had any communication with her, from my end. She was texting me up until April 10th, attempting to re-engage. She has a replacement, or so she says. Triangulation again? Who knows? Regardless of what she was attempting to do, I haven't responded to anything.

Yes, I had to walk. The relationship was toxic to both of us. We were destroying one another. Her push/pull behavior was ripping me apart emotionally. She physically couldn't be around me as she became totally engulfed in me. When intimacy occurred between us she would come apart at the seams the next day. (She fought herself very hard to keep us together, but she couldn't overcome the BPD.) Of course, I didn't understand what was happening at the time of these occurances, but I do now. So, ultimately, I am as bad (toxic) for her as she is for me. What choice was there but to walk away?

[Beach_Babe]

Dagwood: telling a "trusted" third party (but of course not me)  he would never see or speak to me again (after I bought 6 plane tickets in a 6 month period because I was so desperate to see him.) All that, and to realize it would never come to fruiton. Wow. He told mutual friend it was because all I did was "pick fights". Talk about projection. I  hope the ice cream truck he frequents loses a wheel and stops coming. Maybe he will finally deal-a-meal.

Olivia:You went to all that trouble to make his birthday special and THATS how he treated you? That is so awful. Good god.    Nothing not even a card?

[Olivia_D]

Dagwood: telling a "trusted" third party (but of course not me)  he would never see or speak to me again (after I bought 6 plane tickets in a 6 month period because I was so desperate to see him.) All that, and to realize it would never come to fruiton. Wow. He told mutual friend it was because all I did was "pick fights". Talk about projection. I  hope the ice cream truck he frequents loses a wheel and stops coming. Maybe he will finally deal-a-meal.

Olivia:You went to all that trouble to make his birthday special and THATS how he treated you? That is so awful. Good god.    Nothing not even a card?

NOT EVEN A CASUAL MENTION.  VERY SELF-ABSORBED

[zundertowz]

Over the last 6 to 8 months of our 3 year live in relationship there was a pattern of her stone walling me for a week were I would not know how to get out her out of it... .if I tried to hug her or talk to her she would freak out, if I was pissed at her same... .by the end of the week she would start getting so furious she would triangulate with family, friends, and other guys on FB, threaten if I didnt leave she would call cops, then she would attack me mentally and physically... .all while knowing I had know where to go and would be homeless.  Then she would calm down and want me to come back... . This happened 3 times the third time I left and haven't looked back.  Two months later I find this behaviour a gift... .it was so dispicable and nasty that it makes n/c very easy.

[Beach_Babe]

Olivia: mine was the same way, except when I almost died and was hospitalized. But I was expected to show compassion for his hangnail. So sorry hun