Mixed Signals

[imnotgivingup]

My boyfriend and I have been dating for a year now, and things have been amazing and horrible. Lately, for the past month he's been having uncontrollable anger at any little thing that I say, and doesn't show remorse until much later. But when he does show remorse, he seems truly genuine, and sometimes he even does get better. He acts like he hates me one moment, and then never wants to let go of me again. I don't know how to diffuse the fights and tolerate the anger, and I fear it's breaking me emotionally.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Ceruleanblue]

Welcome!

Does he display any other BPD traits? What led you here? I've been around a lot of angry people in my life, and it is so hard to deal with. As you stated, after a while it does break you down, especially if you continue on without help. Can you see a counselor or therapist for YOU? Getting help dealing with this would likely help a lot. Know that it isn't you fault. His anger, is his, not yours.

The push/pull you describe is a classic BPD trait, as many here will tell you. Even if your BF isn't BPD, the push/pull behavior, and anger is tough to live with, and will erode your relationship. Get help for you, and would it be possible to address his anger at a time when he is calm? He's likely had this anger his whole life. My BPD husband didn't display his anger until AFTER we were married, and then it became very intense.

You can't force him to get help, but you can set boundaries, and get yourself in a better place. The tools on the right of this page are of great help too.

[vortex of confusion]

 

I want to join Ceruleanblue in welcoming you to the forums.

Your description of what is going on with your partner reminded me of the book, "I hate you, don't leave me". I have seen that recommended by several people.

I would recommend starting with some of the lessons that you can find on the right side of the forum. You might want to be sure to read the lesson about surviving confrontation and disrespect. There might be some ideas in there to help you. Most importantly, take some time to read and ask questions. This stuff is difficult to get a grip on because it makes so little sense. When I first found these forums, somebody described it to me as trying to find the predictable in the unpredictable.

Do you have any specific questions? When your partner has a fit of anger, are you ever in danger of being hurt? When dealing with raging, the first question to consider is: Are you physically safe? Is there a chance that he would hit your? If so, do you have a safety plan? I know it is scary to think about those possibilities. It is necessary to think about it so you can take steps to protect yourself.