When they insist they knew how you felt and when. What to do.

[mssalty]

I'm guessing most of us have had the experience of having a person with BPD tendencies in our life defining our thoughts, the reasons behind our actions, or some other thing as "fact" that they cannot know, and that defining is either based in fiction, or simplifies what's really going on.   

For instance, "I can tell you were angry at me".   

"It's obvious from your tone of voice you think I'm wrong." 

"You think I'm stupid."

"You think you're better than me." 

"You don't support me."

Is there any way to get to your truth and have your feelings validated?   

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[Jessica84]

I wish I knew the answer to this myself. My pwBPD always thinks he "knows" what I'm thinking or feeling. He rarely gets it right. It's annoying to be told how you feel. I'm not sure if it's even possible to get them to validate what we're actually feeling.

[pressonetohold]

I would say that a lot of the time it is more an expression of what they fear you feel, or what they think you should feel, for various quite unfathomable reasons. Apart from that this can be thoroughly frustrating to the nonBPD, it messes quite a lot with your mind if you are not aware of it.

A solution I found, is to doubt myself less. Most of the time, when my partner has some sort of beef, worry, fear, or whatever emotion, about me, I first try to make sure that I really understand what is going on in her mind. What, exactly, (does she think) is going on. Then I try to correct her. Choosing my words carefully, but expressing how I think it is. A lot of the time I am not directly believed, or accused of lying, (frustrating) but in time, sometimes she gets it, or it helps her forget her minds' schemes.

I do not think her tendency to do this will disappear anytime soon, but I do think it can become manageable. I have to add here that my partner is acknowledging that she has BPD, and gets fed up with herself at times. That way, with some time, she tends to listed to my side of the story when she has cooled down somewhat. Which sometimes takes a half an hour, sometimes days.

I think 'do not let it get to you' is the best advice I can give you.

[vortex of confusion]

I tend to take a bit of a different approach. I think some it has to do with a lack of filter between what they think and what they say. All of the phrases that have been given as examples of things that might be said are things that I have thought on more than one occasion. Before I found out about BPD and learned some of the tools on this site, I was just as prone to say some of these things as my husband was.

Now, I keep a lot of those types of thoughts to myself because I realize that they are an attempt at mind reading. And, when my husband says those kinds of things to me, I try to check myself and make sure that my actions, the tone of my voice, etc. are not projecting those things.

And sometimes, it helps to turn it into a question such as,

"I can tell you were angry at me".   I can respond with, ":)o you think I should be angry at you?"

"It's obvious from your tone of voice you think I'm wrong."  I can respond with, "I didn't realize that I had that tone. I don't have enough information to know if I think you are wrong or not." OR "Is it necessary to agree on everything? I don't think your are wrong. I have a different opinion than you."

"You think I'm stupid." A response to that might be: "Is there a reason that I should think that you are stupid?"

"You think you're better than me."  Possible response: "Really, what reason do I have to think that?"

"You don't support me." This is something that I have said and felt repeatedly over the years. I find that I really like it when my husband (or anybody really) responds with, "What can I do to support you?" and then actually listens and follows through with whatever it is.

And then, there are times when I have to be careful not to get sarcastic and simply agree with whatever it is that is being said. That rarely works and tends to escalate things.

Lately, I have made enough progress that I can flat out tell him, "Um, sorry dude, stop trying to tell me what I think or feel. If you want to know what I am thinking or feeling, ask me and then give me a chance to respond." At one time, me saying that would have escalated the situation.

As far as getting my feelings validated goes, that is touch and go. Most of the time, I come here, talk to friends, or find ways to validate myself.

[enlighten me]

With pwBPD feelings equal facts so if they feel your angry at them then you are. The fact that your angry about something else that has nothing to do with them doesnt matter.

Ive read how good pwBPD are at facial recognition. I had a friend who did psycology at university. One of her class mates she thought was BPD. What she found interesting is they did a facial recognition test. This is where they show a number of photos. These photos show varying stages of emotion. So 1 has nothing showing by 10 you hav a smile or a frown etc. The normal level people correctly identify the expression is around 6. This girl was picking it up at 2 or 3.

If you consider this then your pwBPD will pick up on things you dont know your showing. The fact that they put 2 and 2 together and get 3 is where the probkems arise.

[Jessica84]

I like your responses Vortex. How does your husband respond now with the "stop telling me how I feel... .ask me" thing?

I can never seem to get this point across. He mostly TELLS me how I'm feeling/thinking when he is dysregulating and completely convinces himself he KNOWS my feelings/thoughts. Nothing I say convinces him otherwise. When he's calm, he doesn't do this and doesn't remember doing it, so bringing it up later doesn't work either. I would let it go but it's hard - when he thinks I'm mad (when I'm not) his false conclusions spiral him into unnecessary fits of anger at me. I get yelled at for having thoughts or feelings that aren't even real.

[maryy16]

Wow. I can so relate to this. I recently told my BPDH to "stop telling everyone what YOU think they feel."

For instance, he'll say "I'd like to go to xyz restaurant, but I know you don't want to go." when, in fact, he has no reason to believe that I don't want to go. If I tell him that I really do want to go to xyz restaurant, he'll reply "No, you don't. You're just saying that. We're not going there."

Or sometimes I've glanced in his direction and he thinks I'm looking at him. If I tell him I wasn't, he'll say, "Yes, you were. You know that you were."

I know he reacts this way when he's feeling insecure, so I try to let it go as much as I can, sort of picking my battles, but it is difficult to deal with because it does become his truth. It's a situation where I used to JADE because I didn't want him believing his fantasy about me, but of course that just made things worse and led to more arguing. Now I try to just simply let him know my true feelings and let it go.

[vortex of confusion]

I like your responses Vortex. How does your husband respond now with the "stop telling me how I feel... .ask me" thing?

It depends. Before saying something that straight forward, I try to gauge the situation. I can say it with moderate success now.

Part of the reason that I am better able to say things like that is because my husband's sponsor told him that he needed to back off and let me have my feelings. There are slips but it is much, much better than it used to be. I used to not be able to say anything without starting an argument.

[Oooohm]

With pwBPD feelings equal facts so if they feel your angry at them then you are. The fact that your angry about something else that has nothing to do with them doesnt matter.

Ive read how good pwBPD are at facial recognition. I had a friend who did psycology at university. One of her class mates she thought was BPD. What she found interesting is they did a facial recognition test. This is where they show a number of photos. These photos show varying stages of emotion. So 1 has nothing showing by 10 you hav a smile or a frown etc. The normal level people correctly identify the expression is around 6. This girl was picking it up at 2 or 3.

If you consider this then your pwBPD will pick up on things you dont know your showing. The fact that they put 2 and 2 together and get 3 is where the probkems arise.

This is real interesting. My uBPDw has always claimed to be an empath... .but her ability to "correctly" identify the underlying thoughts, emotion, or reason behind the micro expressions portrayed by people is always comically wrong. Even thou she insists she "Knows for a fact !"

So maybe 2 plus 2 does equal 3 for a pwBPD.

[enlighten me]

I think they are quite astute at reading the emotion I think the problem lies with the context.

For instance if I was worried about money she could tell I was worried but would jump to the wrong conclusion and usual something to do with her.

Her conclusions were driven by paranoia or how she was feeling at that moment in time.