4.13 | Dealing with trauma: PTSD, C-PTSD and emotional flashbacks

[Kwamina]

Hi nowitmakessense

Working through these things can definitely be very difficult. I am glad you are taking these steps to heal and are able to be there for your inner child. A lot of what you've said corresponds with things that were said earlier in this thread about managing emotional flashbacks. Thanks for sharing this story of how this looks like in real life. I hope you continue you to heal and move forward

[nowitmakessense]

Thank you so much Kwamina   you are very kind and I appreciate it. 

[Newrites]

What a fascinating conversation.

I think maybe I experience this. I didn't know what it was. Overhearing people argue or having someone give me the 'silent treatment' gives me a very strange physical/anxiety type reaction. I don't do this nearly as much as I used to... .I believe I'm mentally healthier than I was in my 20s. But yes, there's a real, palpable, heart-racing, anger-inducing, face flushing thing that has happened to me under certain circumstances. I didn't know there was a name for it.

[Kwamina]

Hi Newrites

I agree with you, it is a fascinating discussion!  Thanks for sharing your thoughts.

Overhearing people argue or having someone give me the 'silent treatment' gives me a very strange physical/anxiety type reaction.

To me it makes sense that these things would trigger you. In one of your other posts you mention coming home from your first year of college to a silent mother. This continued for 4 days after which you confronted her which resulted in even more extreme behavior from your mother. Considering these kinds of experiences, I can imagine how certain things could now trigger very strong emotions in you.

I know from your own thread that you've just been diagnosed with PTSD. This is a serious disorder, but you now at least know what you are dealing with it and can get targeted help.

You will be starting treatment soon. Take care and good luck on your continued journey towards further healing

[nenarox2]

I think I live in Emotional Flashbacks. Let me explain. I have not really been posting since I had started setting boundaries with my BPDm. These past several years have been hard but with boundaries, we have had a pretty strong relationship built. That was, until I went home this past May to visit. She is abusing my niece like she abused me and I was horrified to see her behavior.

Here is the gist. I basically wake up every morning in a terrible mood. I think only negative thoughts and I focus on what a terrible human that I am. Even while at the gym, I keep thinking bad and negative thoughts. I am just so grumpy and cannot communicate. Even after years of Therapy.

When I was visiting in May, my mom woke up and found everything wrong in her home and then went straight to my nieces room and started calling her "stupid, fat, a effing loser, no wonder her mother abandoned her, she is a stupid, fat, ugly loser"  It was like I was reliving my childhood again.

I came home and have been realizing that I am not a grump in the morning, not naturally, I was conditioned to fear and hate mornings because of the verbal abuse. Anywho, great read and I am so grateful that Harri directed me to this message board.

[Kwamina]

Hi nenarox2

Thanks for joining the discussion and welcome back to the boards

It sounds like you unfortunately have very much internalized your mother's negative critical voice. Since your mother's behavior in the morning was quite problematic and difficult to handle, it makes sense that mornings in a way would now be triggers for you.

Seeing your niece being treated this way is also very triggering, considering that you experienced the exact same thing when you were growing up. Also, even if you hadn't experienced it too when you were younger, just seeing your young niece being treated this way is by itself also quite disturbing.

When you wake up in such a bad mood, how long does it usually take to get in a better mood? Have you perhaps found certain activities or exercises that help you improve your mood?

It is great that you are now starting to realize that these negative thoughts you have are more than likely a result of the way your mother treated you. This insight is an important step forward

The Board Parrot

[nenarox2]

Well, today I started a new anti-anxiety med and I woke up without any of the talk. It eventually kicked in about 40 minutes after waking, but the talk still tried to rear its ugly head. On normal days without meds, it takes me from 5 am until 8:30 am to overcome the negativity. Exercise makes the feelings go away faster, but in truth, I did internalize it and it is now impacting my ability to be a leader. I just have such low SE. I want to work on it and I think with meds and more talk therapy, I can get to a place where I know what my inner critic is saying... .Who knows? What I do know, is that what happened to me as a child, I might never overcome it. But I want to think that I will.

Nen

[Kwamina]

Hi again nenarox2

I think with meds and more talk therapy, I can get to a place where I know what my inner critic is saying

Pete Walker is often mentioned in this thread and he has a specific resource aimed at dealing with the inner critic which might also be helpful to you:
Shrinking the Inner Critic in Complex PTSD

[Woolspinner2000]

Kwamina,

Thank you for bringing this topic back up for us to all review. It's always worthwhile. Even after all the time I've spent on the board, I still have those occasional trips back to trauma land. Bet you didn't know it had a name! Well I decided to give it one. 

I had a particularly rough past week, and I knew I was out of sorts, doing the negative self talk with the busy inner critic as our author speaks of. I began doubting myself, wondered what was going on with my kids who keep calling me and unloading their frustrations on my. Lots of anger in one of them, not directed at me, but I still hear it. The other is depressed. What gives? I wondered if I was feeling things inside me, but the confusion and inability to hear what's going on inside trumps all, and on I struggle.

My T pointed out something to me that I had lost a hold of through the week. I was quite bothered by the anger I heard coming from one child and the depression coming from another.  I couldn't stop it or fix it. Part of that is being a mom, but the other part is that I was revisiting the trauma from my childhood. The anger was/is a reminder of the anger I couldn't escape as a child. It was all around me; it was trauma. How quickly I go back to that time, albeit subconsciously, and I traveled this road so often that it was familiar. I did not pick up on the fact that I was there once again until my T pointed it out. There was a certain relief and comfort to know that there is a reason why I reacted the way I did. He said that the way I responded is normal for a trauma survivor. Just knowing this helps to stop the feelings of craziness circling in my head.

So trauma can come and go, but the good news is that I don't live in the trauma of my past anymore, and as an adult, I can remind myself that I am free of the trauma from long ago, allowing myself to become grounded in the present, thus changing the present. It takes a lot of continual self talk and reminding to not automatically default to the patterns of the past. This is how we change things though.

 
Wools

[ForeverDad]

This was news to me.  I like the analogy of our life choices...

Fight, Flight, Fear, Fawn

I have to admit I'm the FAWN type, a people pleaser.  I think that describes so many here.  Why did we stay in our relationships as long as we did, when so many others bailed long ago?  We are like fawns, trying to hide in place from prowling dangers.