What to do when they trigger YOU and dealing with familiar fights

[nomoremommyfood]

The last time I wrote on here, I was having serious issues with my DBPDbf of 8 years who had moved back in his with parents and would pick all-night fights every time he visited me. I'm happy to report he's moved back to the city and is currently living with a roommate. Overall, he's dramatically improved since gaining a sense of independence. Of course, it's not perfect - it never will be - but fighting has decreased and he seems in better spirits.

I don't know if anyone else does this but I've been able to use these forums to track the frequency of his meltdowns and what sets them off. We seem to get into a gigantic, end-the-relationship fight about every other year along with a major fight about every three months, proceeded by him being particularly amorous. Still, it's frustrating to hear him claim that he's only stayed with me for eight years because I force him to stay. This is a guy so indecisive and stubborn he once disappeared for days to avoid meeting my parents and refuses to let me reserve concert tickets in advance.

As of last night, I'm again "dumped", he's "never speaking to me" and can finally "find someone good enough for him." A few hours prior, I was his "beautiful girlfriend" whom he "deeply loved and cared for." It always freaks me out when he pulls this "it's over" thing - I never know if he's serious and, lately, he's been spending a lot of time socializing with his new (male) roommate - in fact, I hadn't seen him for a while and I think the anticipation (and intimacy) made everything worse.

I'm not going to go into details because it's the same old song and dance: we hang out, have sex, everything's great, something sets him off, he refuses to drop the fight, I'm weeping and he's storming off telling me "we're done, don't call me when you're in the mental institution". The "mental institution" reference is what's upsetting me.

He knows there are a few topics that really upset me and uses them into infinity. Specifically, jealousy, weight issues, and medication. I gained a lot of weight last year which brought on a bunch of accusations of being "obsessed with food" and "binge-eating." Though I've lost it and am quite thin, he still "innocently suggests" that I skip meals and when I explain I haven't eaten enough that day, I'm "addicted to food and can't talk about anything else." Controlling someone's food intake really disturbs me - and I worked really hard to lose so much weight so fast. I know I'm not supposed to "justify or defend" but how am I supposed to react when he asks me questions about something, then searches for something to criticize in the answers? And then calls me abusive for talking about that upsets him - even if he brought it up!

The number one triggering issue for me is medication. The fact that I take it has been an ongoing source of discord. He'll call me a "drug addict" and act that I'm behaving like I'm on drugs or that I got high in the bathroom; I'm a recovering addict so this drives me up the wall. The final straw: I was recently diagnosed with Bipolar I after a nightmarish 3-month manic episode and have to take lithium nightly. I took my pill last night, he called me a "drug addict," and I flipped out. I admit I was pretty hysterical but it was so unfair! He cannot ever understand what it's like to spend months physically shaking, unable to sit down, and too afraid to leave your apartment - but he think I shouldn't take it if I want to be "clear-headed" - or worse, I shouldn't take medication if I "care about him."

The medication fight has been going on for years. It makes me so mad that he thinks taking medication to stop debilitating symptoms is an excuse to call me names. I know the consequences of not taking medication - he was with me during part of the episode! - and it's brutally painful to hear someone who's supposed to care for your well-being call you "psychotic" or "a drugged out zombie". I don't know how to calm myself down when he objects to me taking medication to, well, calm myself down! Fighting and the resulting days of depression and anxiety are bad enough - I don't want him to see me freaking out and give him more ammunition!

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[nomoremommyfood]

And he blocked me on Facebook. He's never done that, before. Guess I was wrong about it being the same old fight and I won't need those coping skills, after all. [insert non-existent heartbroken icon].

[an0ught]

Hi nomoremommyfood,

this is deliberate invalidation to get your emotions up. He may well sense that it is triggering to you - he most likely senses that he gets a big bang for the buck in terms of pained reaction from you.

Some PwBPD lash out when they are hurting. The more hurt the more lashing out (there is also the kind that leans towards self destruction but I digress). This has little to do with your medication. He also still seems to be super angry and when you are not around he continues by FaceBook games   .

In these times usually the best you can do is take a step back and care for yourself  .

[nomoremommyfood]

Thank you for your reply!

Unfortunately, it's now almost a week without any contact. I haven't reached out to him since last Sunday, mostly because I'm afraid of discovering if he's blocked my phone number, too. I'm in full-blown silent treatment, suspect he's serious about ending the relationship, and not coping well at all.

Since my original post didn't take into account the now very real possibility of being totally discarded, I'll start a new (hopefully, less lengthy, thread).