Another epiphany about BPD

[StarOfTheSea]

Wow, this weekend has been an insightful one for me.

I was thinking earlier of the r/s and its highs and lows and this thought clicked in my head. When my exBPDbf liked himself or was happy with himself he liked me. When he hated himself, he hated me too. (I know I broke that down into very simple elements.)

When things were going well between us it was when he had money, his job was going well and there was little family strife. When things imploded between us he was having serious financial problems, hated his job and was stressed.  So I guess as much as he hated himself at that point, he couldn't 'get rid of' himself... .so he got rid of me.

Ugh, what a nightmare of a human.

[confusedinWI]

Star,

I'm sorry you went through that, how do you feel after that realization?

Your realization just helped me reach one of my own. When I lost my job this past January, my exgf was there for me at the beginning. But after two weeks is when she decided to do something that she knew would blow up the relationship completely.

I've had other people say that it was like she knew the attention was going to be taken away from her, she tried to play the supportive girlfriend role at first, but it threatened her whole world.

It makes sense that my replacement then is a person without kids, without child support obligation, that way he has more money to spend on her.

Chin up Star! Together we will get through this.

[Turkish]

Projection can be a hard thing for anyone to endure. My ex left me in part because I was a trigger fo her shame about herself. My T said, "she's emotionally limited." For me, it's hard to accept that someone I once loved is "emotionally limited."

[confusedinWI]

Projection can be a hard thing for anyone to endure. My ex left me in part because I was a trigger fo her shame about herself. My T said, "she's emotionally limited." For me, it's hard to accept that someone I once loved is "emotionally limited."

The more I reflect the more I agree with that Turkish; my ex gf would show examples of being a child, especially when arguing, throwing temper tantrums (she once stormed out of Wal-Mart while we were buying a gift for my daughter, and got made at me when I didn't chase her down.). It's hard to accept that we once loved that person, but for me being the typical nice guy it's hard to walk away from that person. To realize their happiness is not now, and never was my responsibility. That's tough but it's what we have to do.

[SWLSR]

Star

U r right on.  but i wonder do they ever really like themselves since they really dont we r destined to always fail here.

[Turkish]

Projection can be a hard thing for anyone to endure. My ex left me in part because I was a trigger fo her shame about herself. My T said, "she's emotionally limited." For me, it's hard to accept that someone I once loved is "emotionally limited."

The more I reflect the more I agree with that Turkish; my ex gf would show examples of being a child, especially when arguing, throwing temper tantrums (she once stormed out of Wal-Mart while we were buying a gift for my daughter, and got made at me when I didn't chase her down.). It's hard to accept that we once loved that person, but for me being the typical nice guy it's hard to walk away from that person. To realize their happiness is not now, and never was my responsibility. That's tough but it's what we have to do.

Christine Lawson says, "love the waif without rescuing them." It's very tough while in a r/s. I've done it with my BPD mom. I told this to my Ex today when she asked about my mom, "it's not my responsibility to make everything better." She took this well, probably thinking about her own family. It's very hard for us Nice Guys and Gals to realize this. What are they responsible for, and what are we responsible for?

[StarOfTheSea]

Star,

I'm sorry you went through that, how do you feel after that realization?

Your realization just helped me reach one of my own. When I lost my job this past January, my exgf was there for me at the beginning. But after two weeks is when she decided to do something that she knew would blow up the relationship completely.

I've had other people say that it was like she knew the attention was going to be taken away from her, she tried to play the supportive girlfriend role at first, but it threatened her whole world.

It makes sense that my replacement then is a person without kids, without child support obligation, that way he has more money to spend on her.

Chin up Star! Together we will get through this.

I guess  it really  reinforced  the fact  that there's  nothing  wrong  with me, that this  r/s scenario  will be played out over and over again in his life. It also hit me that the r/s wasn't  sustainable  no matter  how hard I tried.

[ReclaimingMyLife]

I guess  it really  reinforced  the fact  that there's  nothing  wrong  with me, that this  r/s scenario  will be played out over and over again in his life. It also hit me that the r/s wasn't  sustainable  no matter  how hard I tried.

Love your epiphany,  Star.   When I read your quote above,  it hit me:

The bad news is "it was never about me."  (not abt my needs,  wants,  desires)

The good news is “it was never about me."  (not abt my shortcomings,  inadequacies,  imperfections)

[ReclaimingMyLife]

Addendum:

The bad news is "it was never about me."  (not abt my needs,  wants,  desires)

The bad news is "it was never about me."  (not abt my greatness,  beauty,  soul-mate-ness)

The good news is “it was never about me."  (not abt my shortcomings,  inadequacies,  imperfections)

It was never about us.  Which helps me detach from the idealizations.  And detach from the betrayal.   

[blue917]

wow, it amazing reading these posts and everything is exactly the same as what happened to me , what I have been thinking and feeling and how i keep going over and over in my head if I did something wrong

I guess all relationships fail for them.

i just found some posts on pick up artist forums of him looking for winman to meet women.

i found 3 years of posts from 2011 to 2013 and in 2014 he had me to use for sex i guess so there are no posts... .then there is apost of him pretending to be 24 when he was 44 looking for a wingman to meet women.

UGH

Why do i still love the ass... .and why do i feel bad for him.