Physical Appearance and Devaluation

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

So with the devaluation with my exgf she would become verbally abusive, emotionally abusive, always bring up issues with the ex wife, the kids, things along that nature.

I've read from others that their devaluation often included being derided about their physical appearance.

Upfront I'll say I have co-dependent traits, and my self esteem was never really high. At the beginning of the relationship with my ex gf I felt pretty confident about myself, my appearance, etc. I worked out, stayed in shape (still do, I'm ten pounds lighter now). I've had people tell me looks wise I'm probably at a 7 (but with my personality traits it bumps it up). My ex gf would be right around that same ball park, although now that I'm struggling with the detachment I probably have her looks up there more than they really are.

Anyways, back to my point. My ex gf would always tell me how I was the most attractive man she was ever with, her family members even commented on my looks, etc. It felt nice at first because in my failed marriage I didn't hear anything like that the last five years of my marriage. I've always felt a disconnect with how I think I look compared to how others view me.

My ex gf building me up was amazing, and her actions also showed it. All throughout the relationship she was very affectionate, kissing, hugging, grabbing butt, holding hands, etc. Sex life was consistent, never withheld it. She would constantly say how she feels so lucky because when she walks into a room she felt like she always had the most attractive, sexy and handsome man. She said she would sometimes pinch herself to make sure it's real.

Look I don't have a six pack abs, I have a small belly but if I suck it in you can't even tell 

We went hiking one time and she encouraged me to hike with my shirt off, that felt good to have someone tell me that. When we lived together she always wanted me to walk around semi naked or just in my boxers. I know that is part of the idealization, but I also think she just found me so attractive.

It is interesting to me because I've seen pictures of her new man and he is probably about 60 lbs heavier than me.

I've read on other posts that for BPD women (and men) it's not necessarily about the looks as it is about the ability to control the person. If my ex gf never devalued me looks wise, does that mean she always found me attractive? Heck even a week or so after she broke up with me she was mentioning how attractive I am.

I know it shouldn't matter, but this is one area that I really still struggle with, her validation of my looks. I've had females friends tell me I will not have a problem. I have to be more confident overall because apparently mooping around is not attractive? Who knew .

I still sometimes wear shirts, and then will remember this was one of her favorite shirts and I get a little sad when I won't get that "oh wow look at how your arms look in that shirt."

It's stupid I know but we are human, and I liked it. I also know I have to just realize that I am attractive, be confident in who I am, not need the validation.

I'm also jealous of new guy because right now she's building him up. I guess I just wanted to be special.

Just needed to rant I guess. Thanks for taking the time to read this.

[confusedinWI]

So with the devaluation with my exgf she would become verbally abusive, emotionally abusive, always bring up issues with the ex wife, the kids, things along that nature.

I've read from others that their devaluation often included being derided about their physical appearance.

Upfront I'll say I have co-dependent traits, and my self esteem was never really high. At the beginning of the relationship with my ex gf I felt pretty confident about myself, my appearance, etc. I worked out, stayed in shape (still do, I'm ten pounds lighter now). I've had people tell me looks wise I'm probably at a 7 (but with my personality traits it bumps it up). My ex gf would be right around that same ball park, although now that I'm struggling with the detachment I probably have her looks up there more than they really are.

Anyways, back to my point. My ex gf would always tell me how I was the most attractive man she was ever with, her family members even commented on my looks, etc. It felt nice at first because in my failed marriage I didn't hear anything like that the last five years of my marriage. I've always felt a disconnect with how I think I look compared to how others view me.

My ex gf building me up was amazing, and her actions also showed it. All throughout the relationship she was very affectionate, kissing, hugging, grabbing butt, holding hands, etc. Sex life was consistent, never withheld it. She would constantly say how she feels so lucky because when she walks into a room she felt like she always had the most attractive, sexy and handsome man. She said she would sometimes pinch herself to make sure it's real.

Look I don't have a six pack abs, I have a small belly but if I suck it in you can't even tell 

We went hiking one time and she encouraged me to hike with my shirt off, that felt good to have someone tell me that. When we lived together she always wanted me to walk around semi naked or just in my boxers. I know that is part of the idealization, but I also think she just found me so attractive.

It is interesting to me because I've seen pictures of her new man and he is probably about 60 lbs heavier than me.

I've read on other posts that for BPD women (and men) it's not necessarily about the looks as it is about the ability to control the person. If my ex gf never devalued me looks wise, does that mean she always found me attractive? Heck even a week or so after she broke up with me she was mentioning how attractive I am.

I know it shouldn't matter, but this is one area that I really still struggle with, her validation of my looks. I've had females friends tell me I will not have a problem. I have to be more confident overall because apparently mooping around is not attractive? Who knew .

I still sometimes wear shirts, and then will remember this was one of her favorite shirts and I get a little sad when I won't get that "oh wow look at how your arms look in that shirt."

It's stupid I know but we are human, and I liked it. I also know I have to just realize that I am attractive, be confident in who I am, not need the validation.

I'm also jealous of new guy because right now she's building him up. I guess I just wanted to be special.

Just needed to rant I guess. Thanks for taking the time to read this.

[Turkish]

Do you think it was control, or just how she felt while with you?

I always felt that my Ex was way prettier than me, so were her bfs before, and the one after who's 18 years younger than me. So could it have been conscious manipulation? Love and attraction (for whatever reason)?

It's tough to seperate out what was real and what was not. For a pwBPD, emotions and feelngs are fleeting, and hard to control (I.e., Wisemind).

You were special for a time, and now somebody else is, as painful as it may be. Is this more about us, or more about our Ex's?

[confusedinWI]

Do you think it was control, or just how she felt while with you?

I do think it was about how she felt about me. Their were times that I just caught her glancing at my butt, or happy in a smile after she saw a photo, or just general things that, at least I believe, were real.

Now at the end, maybe she used it as a control, I got the line "Best sex ever" like everyone else does I'm sure. She knew what I wanted to hear.

And you are right it is about us, and not our exes. I want to get to a point where I find myself attractive, where I don't take rejection too personally, realize that I'm not everyone's cup of tea, just like they won't be mine. That doesn't diminish either of us.

To be honest, I think a lot of it is that I've been replaced so quickly. I've wondered if she was single right now, maybe this feeling wouldn't bother me as much. I would not doubt what she said. But the way I was replaced so quickly, from the dramatic break up, the threatening of the suicide, to the moving on in less than two weeks makes me question everything.

I also triggered because a bit ago I was cleaning out some stuff in my room and I came across a list of ideas I had for her birthday last year; I had my ideas and then I saw her writing with her idea "me, naked with a bow wrapped around me."

That triggered me hard. I think it was Fanny B in a previous post that said in a normal relationship in the future I might not experience those highs again of how someone views me in my physical appearance, but the payoff is I won't experience the bone crushing lows.

Maybe I'm just too scared of letting go of that idealization?

[Turkish]

Being attached to an unhealthy person, we come to realize at the end, may be like a slap in the face. That she moved on so quickly telegraphs unhealthiness. That my Ex wrote to the OM only a few months after meeting him, "every day that goes by is one day closer that we can be together forever," definitely signaled to me a distorted world-view. Less than two ears before, I was "The One."