So grateful for the support here...

[getting_better]

Filed divorce paperwork on 5/4/14, sent it certified mail to my dPBDw, but she didn't answer the door on 5/6, so the package went to the PO until she picked it up.  I felt confident she wouldn't, but then she did - on my birthday (a week later). Traveling this week on business, but when I return I will submit proof that the petition was delivered to her and then start the clock ticking on her response.  21 days in my state. 

As expected she has become particularly vehement in her texting attacks.  I am still troubled by these types of communications from her, but I feel that I'm slowly awakening from a deep sleep. Almost like I'm becoming aware of exactly what I've been dealing with for the last 20+ years. I find it so interesting that - like the frog in the cool water who is boiled to death as the water slowly heats up - I've just "taken" the abuse from her for so long.  I am beginning to realize the exact nature of what I've been dealing with.  It may be because I've been separated for so long (11 months - haven't laid eyes on her in 6 weeks) that when I get texts that read, ":)on't drag people into this hell you've created in our family" (response to the email to friends and family suggested by Bill Eddy in Splitting .) it feels so shocking. 

Sometimes I think to myself, ":)id I really just roll over and take this all these years?"

[whirlpoollife]

I feel that I'm slowly awakening from a deep sleep. Almost like I'm becoming aware of exactly what I've been dealing with for the last 20+ years. I find it so interesting that - like the frog in the cool water who is boiled to death as the water slowly heats up - I've just "taken" the abuse from her for so long.  I am beginning to realize the exact nature of what I've been dealing with. 

Sometimes I think to myself, ":)id I really just roll over and take this all these years?"

I relate to these thoughts too getting_better. I was married 27yrs, divorce took three years .   But after xh  moved out and I was away from him, it was like waking up to myself as I was before I met him. My identity was in coma state as he slowly took it away over the years.

... .they are like weeds springing up in the sunshine, invading the garden, spreading everywhere, overtaking the flowers, getting a foothold even in the rocks.

But when the gardener rips them out by the roots, the garden doesn't miss them one bit... .

[ugghh]

Between my therapist and this site, my life was saved.  I was in a similar situation.  Moved out of the house, uBPDw continued to send the normal vile text and email messages hoping to grab my attention.  At first I would angrily type out a response but not usually send it.  Over time it became easier to just completely ignore them.

[ForeverDad]

That we are not alone, that we have been experiencing a known blanket pattern of poor or even abusive behaviors, "what a relief it is".

The other's "response to the email to friends and family" is not a surprise.  How dare you tell others about our private affairs?  Yes, although in relationships there are certain things to be held confidential, hiding the facts perpetuated and even enabled the poor and abusive behaviors.

Going forward, weigh carefully whom you inform.  Those 'friends', especially mutual friends, may not turn out to be trusted friends (and family).  Some may be manipulated, conned and side with your ex-spouse, Bill Eddy describes them as Negative Advocates.  Others, even some in your family, may understandably pull away in an attempt to avoid getting exposed to and getting drawn into the heightened conflict.  I recall the week I separated that I got a visit from my sibling who had previously been driven away by my spouse's behaviors.

[livednlearned]

I am still troubled by these types of communications from her, but I feel that I'm slowly awakening from a deep sleep.

Not a very restful, deep, peaceful sleep probably 

You don't have to take it anymore! You want to pinch yourself to see if you're dreaming or awake. The abusive messages can take a toll over time. Do you have an idea how best to respond to her (or whether to respond to her at all)? Bill Eddy says there are generally three different PD types:

*Generally cooperative. The way you talk can make a difference

*Pretty uncooperative, but not dangerous. Best to avoid f2f discussions.

*Uncooperative, also dangerous: DV, significant substance abuse, child abuse, extreme alienation, other mental illnesses. In these cases, you are probably not going to want to interact F2F. Or, if you do, keep it to an absolute minimum.

Which one applies for your situation?

[getting_better]

*Pretty uncooperative, but not dangerous. Best to avoid f2f discussions.

Which one applies for your situation?[/quote]
I'd say this one applies - she's uncooperative, but I don't think she's dangerous.  She has had a history of substance abuse (prescription painkiller addiction), but she's never been violent.  I do worry that she's getting pushed further than she's ever been before, but I think she's holding it together for our 15-year old son.  He's living with me, but he stays with here when I travel every other month or so, and she gets him to and from school every day.