BPD mom - stuck in the middle

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I think my mom has BPD. I guess there were some things growing up that ring true, after I read The Borderline Mother. But it's been really bad since I left for college. And then after I got married. The last two years have been horrible. My mom wrongly charged my Dad with domestic violence. She lied about all sorts of things and had him put in jail. I was asked to testify in court as to whether my mom is "truthful." I sat there in court and said she "has a tendency to distort the truth." Which was the most accurate way I could think to explain it. I couldn't really call her a liar. And I certainly couldn't do it sitting there with her in the court room. I cried through my whole testimony. It was the worst day of my life. Then my parents' divorce proceedings began. Thank God my Dad was found not guilty of all criminal charges she pressed. But he hasn't been able to return to their house and she has EVERYTHING under her control. All of their lifelong possessions under her roof. Meanwhile he doesn't even have a house to live in. Or health insurance. Not a single one of his possessions. It makes me so angry. I don't understand how she can get away with this. In an effort to help my Dad get a new start on life, I agreed to testify in the divorce settlement. I expected I would be asked about when they acquired certain items -- since she claimed he had no pre-marital property whatsoever. But instead I was asked, again, whether my mom is "truthful." After my testimony I felt like I didn't say enough to defend my Dad. I felt like I didn't make it clear to the judge just how manipulative and cruel my mom can be. But I also couldn't testify those horrible words when I knew she would hear them. I still love her. I wish she would get help. Instead she emailed me that she wants a diamond ring back that she gave me for my birthday. It belonged to her mother. She gave it to me nearly 10 years ago. And now she vehemently wants it returned. Along with any other "childhood photos or memorabilia" of hers that I have. I have nothing else of hers. In fact, she still has ALL of my childhood memorabilia in her house. I would love to have some of my baby pictures and childhood toys, now that I have kids of my own. But I have resolved I will never see them again. Now she is threatening legal action against me for "slander" and for being in possession of "her items." I checked the law -- my testimony is protected against lawsuit for slander. But I am shaken. Scared. Heartbroken. Frustrated. At a loss. I had been doing okay handling things with her over the past 5 years. But this is hard. Today I am just so sad.

[LBCAK]

I think my mom has BPD. I guess there were some things growing up that ring true, after I read The Borderline Mother. But it's been really bad since I left for college. And then after I got married. The last two years have been horrible. My mom wrongly charged my Dad with domestic violence. She lied about all sorts of things and had him put in jail. I was asked to testify in court as to whether my mom is "truthful." I sat there in court and said she "has a tendency to distort the truth." Which was the most accurate way I could think to explain it. I couldn't really call her a liar. And I certainly couldn't do it sitting there with her in the court room. I cried through my whole testimony. It was the worst day of my life. Then my parents' divorce proceedings began. Thank God my Dad was found not guilty of all criminal charges she pressed. But he hasn't been able to return to their house and she has EVERYTHING under her control. All of their lifelong possessions under her roof. Meanwhile he doesn't even have a house to live in. Or health insurance. Not a single one of his possessions. It makes me so angry. I don't understand how she can get away with this. In an effort to help my Dad get a new start on life, I agreed to testify in the divorce settlement. I expected I would be asked about when they acquired certain items -- since she claimed he had no pre-marital property whatsoever. But instead I was asked, again, whether my mom is "truthful." After my testimony I felt like I didn't say enough to defend my Dad. I felt like I didn't make it clear to the judge just how manipulative and cruel my mom can be. But I also couldn't testify those horrible words when I knew she would hear them. I still love her. I wish she would get help. Instead she emailed me that she wants a diamond ring back that she gave me for my birthday. It belonged to her mother. She gave it to me nearly 10 years ago. And now she vehemently wants it returned. Along with any other "childhood photos or memorabilia" of hers that I have. I have nothing else of hers. In fact, she still has ALL of my childhood memorabilia in her house. I would love to have some of my baby pictures and childhood toys, now that I have kids of my own. But I have resolved I will never see them again. Now she is threatening legal action against me for "slander" and for being in possession of "her items." I checked the law -- my testimony is protected against lawsuit for slander. But I am shaken. Scared. Heartbroken. Frustrated. At a loss. I had been doing okay handling things with her over the past 5 years. But this is hard. Today I am just so sad.

[Turkish]

Hello LBCAK,

That sounds like it was incredibly stressful emotionally to have to testify in court. I'm not a lawyer, but it sounds like the language you used was legally accurate and descriptive. It also sounds like it helped your dear dad.

It must be so hard to see someone you love target someone else you love with so much abuse. Which mother type or types do you think your mom represents from Lawson's book? Do you think her advice can help here?

All in all, you sound like a very good daughter standing up for your dad as you did, and probably still are. It's good that you found that her legal threats are empty. As for the ring and your childhood memorabilia, have you thought about posing it like a trade? Since she's threatening legal action, as empty as it is now, you may benefit from only written communication regarding this. We have a tool here which may help:

TOOLS: Responding to hostile email

Other than your dad, who is a similar target of her rage, do you have others in your life for support?

Turkish