uBPDexgf I work with has found a replacement - trying to process

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hi All,

60 days out of a 7 month r/s with my uBPDexgf that I work with. You may remember my story.  After the bu she came to my area a lot when she really didn't need to wearing her happy mask.  That went back and forth with ignoring for several weeks.  A couple weeks ago she approached me for personal conversation so I let her know by personal email that I wanted to discuss work matters only.  Since then she has acted very sad.  If I see her in the hall and say hi she whispers hi with her head down almost like a child that has been punished.

So last night we had our annual awards banquet and she showed up with a replacement.  It didn't really sting because I knew to expect it some day.  Or maybe I just suppressed the feeling.  

One of the weird things I saw was her acting really different than she had acted with me. With me she was very happy and outgoing but at the same time kind of relaxed - content I would say.  With this guy she was like an over the top southern belle you would see in the movies.  You know the kind that would say "Helloo govna."

I have learned to do a really good job of not looking at her unless we are actually working on something together but I did look a few times because I was curious what the guy looked like (who wouldn't look, right?)  Anyway the other thing that was strange is that she was staring at me A LOT.  And she was sitting way across a the big banquet room.  At first I thought I might be imaging it but later after the dinner my 16 year old daughter said the same thing and said it was creepy.  I wonder how that made her date feel.

So now I have this other feeling/situation to add to the mix.  Unless I am deluding myself, I feel like it helped me not desire her nearly as much and I feel like I would never recycle.  I don't feel jealous though.  I feel some relief. The one feeling I don't like is that even though I want her less now I still want her to want me.  I guess I'm looking for some return on investment for all I put into the relationship.  And she hurt me and my kids BAD like many have experienced.

So I'm curious how those of you who are or have been in a similar position felt.  I hope I am not fooling myself into thinking this helped me and have it come back to bite me later.  Time will tell I guess.

Thanks so much.

[simpleman]

Hi All,

60 days out of a 7 month r/s with my uBPDexgf that I work with. You may remember my story.  After the bu she came to my area a lot when she really didn't need to wearing her happy mask.  That went back and forth with ignoring for several weeks.  A couple weeks ago she approached me for personal conversation so I let her know by personal email that I wanted to discuss work matters only.  Since then she has acted very sad.  If I see her in the hall and say hi she whispers hi with her head down almost like a child that has been punished.

So last night we had our annual awards banquet and she showed up with a replacement.  It didn't really sting because I knew to expect it some day.  Or maybe I just suppressed the feeling.  

One of the weird things I saw was her acting really different than she had acted with me. With me she was very happy and outgoing but at the same time kind of relaxed - content I would say.  With this guy she was like an over the top southern belle you would see in the movies.  You know the kind that would say "Helloo govna."

I have learned to do a really good job of not looking at her unless we are actually working on something together but I did look a few times because I was curious what the guy looked like (who wouldn't look, right?)  Anyway the other thing that was strange is that she was staring at me A LOT.  And she was sitting way across a the big banquet room.  At first I thought I might be imaging it but later after the dinner my 16 year old daughter said the same thing and said it was creepy.  I wonder how that made her date feel.

So now I have this other feeling/situation to add to the mix.  Unless I am deluding myself, I feel like it helped me not desire her nearly as much and I feel like I would never recycle.  I don't feel jealous though.  I feel some relief. The one feeling I don't like is that even though I want her less now I still want her to want me.  I guess I'm looking for some return on investment for all I put into the relationship.  And she hurt me and my kids BAD like many have experienced.

So I'm curious how those of you who are or have been in a similar position felt.  I hope I am not fooling myself into thinking this helped me and have it come back to bite me later.  Time will tell I guess.

Thanks so much.

[ZeusRLX]

I think its normal even outside of BPD. I have dated some non BPDs which I have rejected, then they find someone else and it bothers me on some strange level.

It doesnt make sense but it happens. I think it has to do with pure physical attraction, remnants of that... .That would be my best guess.

But in my latest bps breakups I am actually thrilled if I see them with someone else... .Relief is the only thing I feel anymore.

But the very first time it bothered me too, yes.

[cosmonaut]

I think any of us would be effected by news that our ex has found someone new.  No matter how much we have worked to detach, there is still a certain emotion to finding that out.  It's very normal.  For certain, I would feel it.  Still, I'm sorry that you are going through this right now.  These are hard breakups.

How do you feel that you are doing on detaching?  Do you see your ex often?  How are you doing on the days that you don't see her?

[simpleman]

Thanks Zues and Cosmo.

How do you feel that you are doing on detaching?

**I would have to say for only being 60 days out and having to see her every day at work I am doing well.  I did bottom out pretty bad on 5/6.  Bad enough that my T wanted to admit me to the hospital right then and there.  I refused and she brought me out of it before the appointment was over.  She is awesome.  After I left the relationship I was a complete wreck.  She immediately started me on 2 x week visits.  Since bottoming out I have made a steady climb.

As of right now it actually helped me to see the replacement.  The feeling of betrayal (even though the relationship is technically over) makes me desire her much less.  It also helped that my 16 year old daughter said "He aint got nothin on you dad"


Do you see your ex often?

**I see her every work day since we work in the same building.

How are you doing on the days that you don't see her?

**I would LOVE the option of true NC.  I don't see her on weekends and that is the hardest.  I miss her because there was always a lot of action.  But I don't miss the drama, jealously, raging, etc.  It's the whole battle between the head and the heart.

[ReclaimingMyLife]

Unless I am deluding myself, I feel like it helped me not desire her nearly as much and I feel like I would never recycle.  I don't feel jealous though. I feel some relief.

I don't think you are deluding yourself. I can totally believe that this could help you better see her for who she is and that would help you desire her less.  I say trust yourself on this.  And remind yourself of this when you think you miss her. 

The one feeling I don't like is that even though I want her less now I still want her to want me.  I guess I'm looking for some return on investment for all I put into the relationship.  And she hurt me and my kids BAD like many have experienced.

I can totally relate to this.  My EGO totally wanted him to want me.  It still does.  Despite the horrid things he did and the enormously detrimental effect he's had on my kids specifically.  I just try to acknowledge it, respect it for what it is, know what it is, and KNOW that I do NOT want it choosing for me.

My sister said she was reading someone's take on the Bhagavad-Gita. The gist was that "mangoes smell... .that is what they do."  So why be frustrated or not like the mango doing what a mango does?  It does what it does.  Likewise, why be upset with our ego's feelings/wants/desires?  The ego is just doing what egos do.  We simply choose to not let it make our decisions. 

I think you are KICKING BUTT, Simpleman!  I am so glad to hear your progress and good news.  Your daughter is right.  The replacement ain't got nothing on you! 

[apollotech]

SM,

He may not be a replacement. He may have only been a date. It's good to hear that you're okay. The most delicate thing in a male/female relationship is the male ego.

[simpleman]

Thank you Reclaiming, you are such a great cheerleader for all of us here!

Thanks Apollo good points.